Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "Squat"

learned:

* i hate having to do the second one first. is your xfinity box like that, too?

* we all have eyebrow mites.

* she isn't real. there are no women on the internet.

* Forrest: the plastic bag says HAVE A NICE DAY. irony.

* Forrest literally eats salad the way i do. with those embarrassing slivers of plastic cups of sauce.

* and the plastic spork everyone tosses in the trash cos it's too light to hold anything

* hot female jogger in spandex: didn't anyone ever tell you to eat with your mouth closed?
Forrest: everyone has mothers but not everyone has a mother. so that's why i can't get a date.

* Forrest: i do IT at the business park of serviced offices over there.
woman: Tinder tip: no woman cares about what a stranger does.

* woman: see ya.
Forrest: you're not gonna see me ever again.
woman: actually i am.

* Tim: hi. tonight's episode brings up a real serious issue facing our society today. i still feel bad that i got rid of that hatemonger Sam Hyde. well there's a microscopic twinge of guilt in me anyway. i'm glad Cartoon Network is rid of that filth but i still am for free artistic expression. so therefore i wrote this bitchy woman character for you guys to hate. have at it, you lame weakwilled impotent MDEers.

* Forrest: i was gonna check out your gym anyway, you don't have to be rude. i was thinking of bettering myself just now.

* computer: you're 70 pounds overweight.
Forrest: how do you know this isn't my ideal natural weight?
computer: the world runs on money, not compassion.
Forrest: it's hard to go without. the food makes up for all that i go without. like love and stuff.

* Forrest: credit cards are scams, huh?
computer: of course. pretty easy one. didn't your mother ever tell you you were more than a number, you were a flesh-and-blood person?

* computer: you have your choice of trainer. but you must choose Eric.

* Forrest: i need someone to remove this fatsuit from my belly.

* Trent: this is like those Peloton commercials but with less snooty glass mansions, feel me, brah?
Forrest: what's the tube for?
Trent: glass microphone. sing into it. with your penis. welcome to the revamped American Idol!

* Trent: low-quality ham...
Forrest: i had a pierogi.

* Trent: it's called trick squat for a reason.
Forrest: can Dude Perfect come in here and do this?
Trent: no that's typosquatting. that's how adult swim survives with no business model.

* Forrest: THE SPIKE!
Trent: you knew PEDs would be involved, we told you upfront.
Forrest: you tortured me in there!
Trent: sure, yes, but at least you had sex of a sort.

* Pierogi Jones: mozzarella is Italian for lice.

* Forrest: what do you serve here?
Pierogi Jones: Italian lice.
Forrest: i love Italian ice.

* black guy: what proof do you have that you're really alive?
Forrest: i would never choose to do this.

* Forrest: so emotions are just glitches in the system? then i better yell more and not be so mild-mannered so they hear me.

* the Hamiltonization of all art

* woman: your breath is very real.
Forrest: that's a compliment in this virtual world.