Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "Butter"

learned:

* the brilliance lies in the conceit of Tim & Eric being sugary-sweet southern lesbians and the other characters don't bat an eyelash. it's taken at face value and no questions are asked. they blend seamlessly into the quaint country landscape.

* in other words, this is way more filmic than Bosom Buddies.

* Tim: the name of the Rhea Perlman character was Maureeen.
Eric: my DVR never subtitled a name for her. not even "woman".

* Eric: i was on Master of None.
Tim: i'm still more popular than you.

* this is the story of that other plot of desert land Walt Disney wanted to fill with his dreams...

* Mongo: why are we running, mama?
Belle: i'm taking you away from the bad man, honey. though it's unclear which situation is worse for you. you're fucked either way.

* the Butter Barn...it's not a club...

* we love helping kids........at the same time you have to get a little fiscally creative when all you sell is butter...

* not exploitative at all..............is it exploitative or exploitive?...........closed Sunday for desert-caravan Worship...

* Bonnie: not now, Mongo, mama's churning the butter.
Mongo: i never see you work.

* Mongo: you know, i know i'm from Mongolia, but you could have called me Jim.

* Mongo: i had a bad dream: i was on this show.
Tim & Eric: we had a long talk with your mom, kid. she's a toots. i know. i know. this is weird. just say your lines and get paid, that's how you survive Hollywood.

* Belle: that's not how you churn butter!
Mongo: but today's special is chunky butter.
Belle: oh. i never get the damn memo. *clapping loud* come on, Mei-Ling!
Mei-Ling: please, just send me back to my mother. she lives in Reseda.

* man and other man in black caravan: *flashing their badges* Scully. Mulder.
Belle & Bonnie: you betta get betta next year, X Files. progressive is the first step. that miniseries-cliffhanger trick was bullshit.

* Belle: *clapping happy* oh and you look like Jackson Browne, too!

* Jackson: what's you name, partner?
Juan Carlos: Nadal.
Jackson: when i say partner i really mean it. you are literally my meal ticket.
Juan Carlos: can i get a meal now?

* Belle: we're his mamas, we're overprotective.
Jackson: ain't that goddang not interesting. say hello, Buck.
Buck: hello, ladies. i'm attracted to you. and i know you're not ladies.

* Jackson: i made a killing in Silicon Valley and got bored. there is nothing worse than being bored.
Bonnie: you're doing Satan's work, sir.
Belle: the rich are evil.
Jackson: i'm like that collector from Star Trek: The Next Generation who had to have one of every endangered species.
Belle: i look at Star Trek: Discovery and weep buckets for the next generation.

* Bonnie: Magabishu...
Belle: can't say maga

* Jackson: we've had a hard time locating kid actors from Mongolia willing to come on this show...

* Bonnie: his parents were Sherpas.
Belle: they never made it to the top of Everest. they were almost there but then mysteriously disappeared. we took the credit when we made it second.

* Jackson: put on these VR headsets, they'll explain everything.
Jackson waits for them to put on the headsets then slowly walks out the door holding Mongo's hand.
Bonnie: like a drunk daisy!
Belle: it's like a Tool video!

* Jackson: it's all on the up-and-up. you'll be my recruiter. like college basketball.

* Buck: you like how i snap my bills? no i don't actually want the butter.

* Belle: where are you?
Bonnie: right here.
Belle: let me stick this vibrator in your vag.
Bonnie: that's not a vibrator, that's the butter-churning pole!

* Bonnie: isn't Dmitri the sweetest and your real favorite boy?
Belle: not if he's Russian. this is the South!

* Belle: i can't see the ipad. too much glare.
Jackson: this was filmed before Kindle but after all the Samsung explosions.

* Belle: with my finger?
Buck: like voting in a third-world country.

* Belle: remember his favorite chicken nuggets.
Mongo: i was vegan this whole time. burn rubber, rich stranger man!

* Bonnie: careful with that butter candle. it melts.
Belle: i'm cutting butter with a butter knife i'm so mad and distracted.

* Belle: you just do what you gon do.
Bonnie: where are you?
Belle: right here.
Bonnie: what are you doing?
Tim: going for my first Dramatic Emmy nomination. i just want to see if i can do this.
Eric: you're a good actor.

* Bonnie: my goodness look at this mansion view!
Belle: this officially has turned into a Tennessee Williams play.
Bonnie: too Spanish for my tastes. but i do love the shrubbery.

* Jackson: sorry for the delay, ladies, takes time to dip children in wax.
Belle & Bonnie: we want to be your ex-wives with custody.

* Belle: what's that sound?
Jackson: the children laughing and playing their video games with the ominous music.

* Jackson: this is Chun. she is what keeps the Chinese government off my back.

* Buck: i stuffed Mongo with cotton.
Belle & Bonnie: like a rightly southern gentleman. now if you'll excuse us this is too horrifying and we're gonna faint from the shock. like fragile-glass southern belles.

* Bonnie: what's wrong with you?
Belle: the vapors. you like it when i call you bitch?
Eric: in real life?

* Belle: *running frantically* don't look back, Mongo, keep running! what's that bright light tailing us?
Mongo: the spotlight on the set.

* Belle: who wants to play Pictionary?!!
Juan Carlos: i said no, pendejo! i told you i want to crayon!

* Bonnie: watch it with that butter paint. it crackles the skin.
Mongo: in all honesty i liked the cotton more.

* best representation of a loving couple on tv this year. 30 minutes. waiting on the feature film. it'll be like if Rod Serling wrote Billion Dollar Movie...