Doctor Who "The Lie of the Land"

learned:

* Pearl Mackie is cool! i don't want her to go! i just realized Pearl is a cool name for a girl. Pearl Jam was named after Eddie's grandmother who was the Crystal Gem Pearl. Pearl was always salty and possessive of little Eddie. and Mackie is like "Return of the Mack", the song, not the Burger King Mac n' Cheetos thing.

* that promotional image was a little too realistic if you know what i mean

* wait, where's John Hurt? and that woman with the natural bush?

* it's not 1984 anymore, it's our real-life future...

* Bill narrates this episode cos Pearl Mackie is auditioning for her next job, voiceover work on guided meditation tapes.

* Monks: we have always been here.
the Doctor: feels like it. this is your, what, THIRD episode in a row?! enough already, we're sick of you.

* Bill: Mom, is that really you? i'm not crazy?
Mom: yes you are crazy. but the world is crazy so it evens out.

* Bill: Nardole?! where have you been all this time?!
Nardole: i told you, sleeping.

* aboard the prison hulk.
commando: PAPERS, PAPERS
Bill: everyone knows Voter I.D. is a fraud.

* the Doctor on the big screen: hello, citizens. keep calm and carry on. the terrorists are on our side. the Monks are benevolent dictators who are praying for us. they said i was too old and had to be called Big Father. that's ageism in Hollywood...

* the Monks thought Winston Churchill was arrogant...

* the Doctor: the Romans saved more people than they killed.
Nardole: not the lions tho. why didn't that empire work out anyway? free sex and all, seems like paradise.
the Doctor: they finally elected an insane ruler to office...

* Bill: i'm gonna shoot you now, Doctor.
the Doctor: please, remember the show bible, no guns.

* the Doctor: was the Regeneration too much?
Nardole: classic feint. who's gonna be the Thirteenth?
the Doctor: the show's been cancelled.
Nardole: still joking?

* Missy: i like when you smile, Doctor, and show your creepy teeth.
the Doctor: statues, the answer is statues!
Missy: very good. even the Michael Jordan statue.
the Doctor: oh no, that's where i draw the line! i don't care about Earth but i care about Michael Jordan. he plays sick like me.

* Missy: i pushed that little girl into the volcano.
the Doctor: terrible.
Missy: but i saved billions of lives for one life. it makes sense. you'll see my cold logic wins out over your emotion.
the Doctor: what you didn't foresee is that one of those billion lives you saved was John Simm...

* Bill: i must die to save the world.
the Doctor: you have a death wish or something?
Bill: nah, i just really hate my job.

* commando: no, not my Hooked on Phonics tape!!!

* Nardole: Vulcan death pinch.
the Doctor: we good? we still own TNG?

* the Doctor: ONE monk controls all the broadcasts?
Monk: hello, i am Brother Jobs. cos i provide the only reliable jobs in this world. tech jobs.

* the Doctor: this is all fake news.
Bill: yes but favoring which party?

* Nardole: i saw the Spice Girls i saw the Spice Girls!

* the Doctor: think of your mother, Bill, the Monks can't control personal memories.
Bill: it's not working.
the Doctor: i wonder why not.
Bill: the mother pictured up there is not my mother. i need Pearl Mackie's mother.
the Doctor: f***king Method actors.

* back on campus.
the Doctor: hey nobody college student, what is this statue?
student: Michael Jordan?
the Doctor: very good. see? university isn't a waste of time and money.
Bill: why do you do it, Doctor? why do you continue helping us lowly Earthlings?
the Doctor: cos in the morass of billions of nobodies, there's one worth saving.
Bill beams a wide grin.
the Doctor: i was referring to Michael Jordan.

* Bill: want some chips?
the Doctor: potato chips or french fries?