Doctor Who "The Eaters of Light"

learned:

* bridge the gap, Rona!

* darn, i was gonna write a story about the Ninth Legion and what really happened to them...

* the Doctor: kaw is the name of the brave warrior girl, not the crows mucking about.
Bill: i still get paid if we don't do this episode. i signed a year-long contract.
Nardole: you are cruel, Doctor, you could at least warn us like your wife.
the Doctor: i'm from Scotland. i'm dreary and gloomy like Scotland. i'm a Time Lord, i already know everything.

* Bill: before we start, i'm gay.
Roman soldier: that's very limited. Claudius was considered strange for only liking women.
Bill: cheers.
Roman solider: we're all black as well.
Bill: i guess Roman times were more progressive.
Roman soldier: only if you weren't a Christian. you're obviously a lion.
Bill: what?
Roman soldier: your hair. it's a mane, right?

* Bill: so the TARDIS is like a universal translator, like Star Trek.
the Doctor: we still got the rights?

* Bill: light-eating locust?
Roman soldier: i know, that's racist. and orientationist.

* Nardole: i'll win them over with popcorn.
the Doctor: look at these boneless corpses.
Nardole: that's brilliant, Doctor! boneless wings, that's better!

* the Doctor: you know how Pictish stone were made?...................
Nardole: i haven't the faintest
the Doctor: crop circles.

* the Doctor: who are you?
Kar: Kar.
the Doctor: it should be Kaw. where is my Maisie?
Kar: filming the last dying dregs of Game of Thrones.

* the Doctor: the cairn is a wormhole. it's two days later.
Pict: we don't understand.
the Doctor: think Narnia and the closet.
Pict: we are all out of the closet.

* the Doctor: i love you more than the sun and the stars.
Kar: excuse me?
the Doctor: wouldn't you like to hear those words directed at you one day? from a man. or a woman. well you won't get the chance if the Eater of Light escapes.

* Bill: this is insane. kids killing kids.
Pict and Romans: does it get better in the future?
Bill: no. the only difference is the kids have more expensive toys.

* the Doctor: here's my plan for this episode. we use mirrors to reflect the daylight back at the monster.
Pict and Romans: mirrors? we don't have those. we don't care how we look. our appearance doesn't matter. we love one another.
the Doctor: how brave. i hate brave. well we need mirrors. and we need those that are willing to sacrifice their lives to guard the thing till the sun explodes. i'd nominate myself but Bill beat the shit out of me just now.
Pict and Romans: we'll go. we will make the ultimate sacrifice. as we've stated, we've already fucked each other. there's no one left to fuck in our groups, so our lives are complete. the orgy is done, and so are we.

* Missy: i can be good. *tearily lurches forward*
the Doctor: *pulling away* that's the thing with hope. it's intoxicating.
Missy: hold my hand, Doctor. let's fuck.
the Doctor: it's tempting, but i have to keep reminding myself you're really Simm. and i'm not Roman in that regard.