Doctor Who "Knock Knock"

learned:

* global warming or no global warming there should still be Frost Fairs.

* didn't do the "Who's there?" joke

* Bill: so it's ethnic Scooby Doo. but we still have a Shaggy.

* Bill: okay, dad, you can leave now. you're embarrassing me.
the Doctor: but this isn't your first day of college. you sell chips at the university. and i'm not your dad.
Bill: well this is true.

* Paul: i wish i could have gotten the Tower.
Bill: brooding moody loner artist?
Paul: no, i got a body up there.

* Bill: it's just the house settling.
Felicity: no, those sounds were my sex screams. i've already done the whole group except you.

* the Landlord: you children smell and touch so good. can i taste you?
Felicity: i'm into it. but i still don't do rats.
the Doctor: Chinese food? i've never had Chinese food. i was hungry right after i ate it.
Felicity: look i told you i was nervous with you.

* the Doctor: excuse me, sir, who's the Prime Minister?
the Landlord: Viva Le Pen!!!!!!!!!!.................oh shit, really?...

* the Landlord: you don't recognize me cos you've only heard me with a French accent.

* the Doctor: which is the stupider weapon we carry around with us, the screwdriver or the tuning fork?

* Paul: that was my hand dragging me away.
the Landlord: no it was my hand.
Paul: is that the same hand you fap with?
the Landlord: i've never left this house.

* Bill: i'm more into girls.
Paul: so you're saying there's a chance?
Bill: yes but you're not my type.

* Bill: you fancy Paul?
Shireen: i want to shag him, i don't fancy him.

* Scooby kids: why is the mansion being shuttered?
the Doctor: all castles get cold. relax it's just the SunSetter.
the Landlord: don't make me watch that commercial one more time! that's real horror!

* Felicity: i made it outside, Doctor, what now?
the Doctor: get the Chinese food and the Cidre. don't forget anyone. see? i'm cool.

* Shireen: where's Pavel?
Bill: i'm not bi. no threesome.
Shireen: i loved his love of classical music.
Bill: yeah Bieber's first album is the gold standard.
the Doctor: i get Pavel's mini-corns.

* Harry: i'm scared.
the Doctor: don't be useless. that wasn't a slur.
Harry: Doctor i found some old contracts and old pics.
the Doctor: ah the '70s. when i still had a social life. this show has sucked me dry. back then that was my nurse's job. you know why they named it shag carpeting?
Harry: Doctor i don't want to die.
the Doctor: you're just gonna get eaten by lice. and why are you suddenly my Companion?

* the Doctor: i'm gonna call them Dryads. i've done my research.
Harry: on wikipedia?
the Doctor: aren't you dead? you wanted to call them lice.
Harry: then you could have conquered them with special Doctor Shampoo. can i take a shower with you?
the Doctor: pardon?
Harry: no, i'm a superfan, i just want to see if you still have that tattoo.

* Bill: um, you have something in your teeth.
Eliza: am i still beautiful even though i am wood?
Bill: you are so beautiful. in the flashbacks.

* the Landlord: oh Eliza, i love you so.
the Doctor: ew.

* the Doctor: i, the Doctor, have solved the case! you are the son, not the father.
the Landlord: i, Hercule Poirot, have solved the case!............damn it! this sucks!

* the Landlord: but mother, i did this all for you.
Eliza: i never asked you to murder anyone! where did you get that bloodlust from?
the Landlord: my father?
Eliza: your father was ax-wielding Paul Bunyan. he left me for a blue ox who was reportedly quite the babe.

* Bill: i don't get it, like were the bugs covered in chocolate? why show her bugs?

* the Landlord: *crying* you would do the same.
the Doctor: i think my mom was Missy.

* Eliza: *tears staining the wood* my child, it is my time. but you must see the world. go outside. look out the window.
the Landlord: fireworks? no, no, Katy Perry is too much to bear. take me with you! lice me!

* the Doctor: what do you do in your spare time?
Nardole: male model.

* the Doctor: knock knock.
Vault: Who's there.
the Doctor: no we're not doing that. that's pretty piano music, what is it?
Vault: early Bieber.
the Doctor: what do you want to eat?
Vault: i only feed on Doctors.
the Doctor: if this is what it takes to get out of my contract...