The X-Files "Nothing Lasts Forever"

learned:

* last time:
Mulder: hands up! not me, you. whoa, is that the first time i've actually discharged my gun on this show? i usually solve crimes with my mind.

* i'm gonna miss this show. writing reviews of this show maybe not so much...

* come on, i was eating

* Karen Nielsen: i feel happy but it's tinged wth sadness. yes i missed Women's Day but i'm still a woman. no i'm not part of that hair-metal band with the two blond boys that's Nelson. no i'm not a spy for the Nielsen Ratings i'm actually a good writer who earned this!
Chris Carter: sorry, but this interview is standard procedure now. the times we live in.

* from the trailer i honestly thought this was gonna be about a video-game character combination of Lara Croft and Ezio who leaps out of an arcade cabinet and starts kicking ass for real with her bow and arrows and Renaissance hatchet going around causing medieval mayhem. like what would happen if video games were played on real-life streets. and it wasn't a cosplay thing or a game show or awkward real-life crimefighting in a cape.

* Wednesday Night Splatterfest! like cutting open and harvesting? X Files SVU on the menu!!!

* it's the Bronx, it's New York, the liberal bastion, there are no laws.

* secret surgeon: i thought pancreas was shorthand for pan with cream cheese and asiago...

* Juliet: i'm an Avenging Angel of God so it's okay. sorry for putting my fruit cups in there with the organs in the cooler, i was late for soccer practice. i will repay. how much do i owe you for the transport fee?

* CSM: *wry smile* Catholic scientist, just like i programmed her.

* FBI agents: they're doing the spinoff with us! i'm the ethnic agent he's the white agent it's gonna be like a blue-collar crime/white-collar crime thing.

* Mulder puts on his glasses.
Scully: nerd.
Mulder: why are you still Catholic?
Scully: those inside-birdbaths never stop being cool.

* agents: it's a Russian organ-theft ring.
Mulder & Scully: hey we know Bob Mueller!

* Mulder: a crime has been committed here. this church gate is missing three prongs.

* Scully: find anything on the dark web?
Mulder: i accidentally traced back where my porn comes from.

* priest: Juliet, the Bible is not meant to be taken literally...

* Mulder: though i'm the atheist i'm the one with the BELIEVE poster. if i had had a dog growing up i would have been a Christian.
Scully: don't talk about your sister that way.

* Scully: that's a famous Psalm.
Mulder: oh yeah, Pulp Fiction! Samuel L Jackson the vengeance speech.
Scully: *does her button* can't talk about Tarantino anymore.
Mulder: it's alright the church is for quiet anyway.

* Juliet's madre: looking back, maybe getting you into my religion wasn't the best idea.
Juliet: this must be what it feels like to be inside a novela.

* Juliet: yeah my sister joined a cult. i envy her, she got out of this one-horse town and is now free to enjoy her freedom. now if you'll excuse me i have video games to play. *slam*

* Barbara Beaumont: i'm like Samantha from Bewitched if Marsha Brady really did hit my head with a baseball.

* Barbara: i did it all for the IMDB. BRING BACK THE MESSAGEBOARDS!!!

* dinnie, what the hell was that?!

* that's why brownstones have stoops. so the neighbors can all come out and talk.

* Barbara: i may have histrionic-personality disorder. or i may just be an actress.

* Luvenis: i mean there's GOTTA be a better way to do this that doesn't involve back stitches. like a simple blood transfusion? it doesn't have to be all human caterpillar.

* y'know this is basically the Chimera Saga of Hunter x Hunter. now you don't have to do another forced live-action version that has to show in Japanese theatres.

* young man: i volunteer to be yours, Queen.
Barbara: you will be my eternal cabana boy.
young man: i'm a young man. who just wants to have sex with an older woman. can we leave out the stabbing?

* the only good thing about cults is the ritualistic sex.

* Scully: you're the landlord? are you sure you're not supposed to be on SVU?
landlord: i heard of lazy Susans but this is a little TOO lazy.

* cult: look we don't like housekeeping but i think it's time to reevaluate.
Barbara: okay i'll get a maid and spruce up the place.
cult: no we want to return to our former housekeeping jobs!

* Luvenis: i know groceries in New York are expensive but this is ridiculous.

* Luvenis: why did you get rid of Kayla? i liked Kayla.
Barbara: i saw how she looked at you. you were cheating on me with her.
Luvenis: you could literally see the both of us at any time! she can't look at me she's in the back of me!

* Luvenis: you were on that show?
Barbara: see how they laugh at my jokes.
Luvenis: that's the laugh track, dear.

* Barbara: if only they had cast me as the sister on Diff'rent Strokes none of this would have to happen. i'm like the dark side of what happened to Suzanne Somers after she left Chrissy and started a health program.

* Barbara: this version of the song would have won me American Idol.
Scully: that's actually probably true. thank god we didn't have to contend with that show much schedule-wise.
Barbara: i'm better than Cher or Charo, i always got those two confused.

* Luvenis: i'm performing surgery on myself. in a manner of speaking.

* Barbara: i keep the lights dim cos i have glaucoma, i'm an old woman remember. honey i can see your wrinkles.
Scully: that's just your glaucoma.
Barbara: alright take your selfie and mosey on out.
Scully: you don't know what a selfie is do you.
Barbara: no.

* Juliet: okay fine. community college is expensive. this is the only way i can work on my masonry sculpting.

* Luvenis: ageing is a disease.
Mulder: i feel ya, buddy, we've all been there. we guys have all gotten that bad batch of Lancôme cream in the mail. you know you would have been a better match for Scully than i am.

* Olivia: what are you doing here?
Juliet: you still owe me that five dollars.

* Juliet: do i get one Get Out Of Jail Free card? whaddayasay? a fuck for freedom?
Mulder: i thought you were a guy. the hair and everything.

* the wheel of Mexican-novela tears...

* Chris Carter: guys the elevator-shaft scene may be a little too Star Wars trash-compactor, i'm gonna have to clear it with Disney.
Scully: you just want to see Pablo Hidalgo again.

* Scully: my candle won't light. it's a sign.
Mulder: don't worry i'm always here to light your fire. we can't have sex without candlewax.
Scully: are we in a relationship, Mulder?
Mulder: i think we're like divorced or something. but we're trying to make it work for William.
Scully: let's go find our son.
Mulder: yeah we should have been doing that from the start.
Scully: are you God, Mulder?
Mulder: i only believe in one thing: the Taco Bell Belluminati.

* Mulder: stop spitting in my ear.