The Venture Bros. "The Rorqual Affair"

notes:

* The Rorqual Affair, that must be the most beautiful title ever. yes it must. it's a delectable blend the likes of esteemed early turn-of-the-century British spy novels and novelia. like the very first James Bond manuscript, not so much all the Bond flicks which came out of the fun-lovin' '60s, those titles are rather forgettable porn titles.

* ah, much better. it runs smoother when you have the wikipedia on your hip and can look up the names of all these people

* Orpheus, Order of the Triad: Magician?
Rusty Venture: sorry. how about a rusty trombone? you can't be so bombastic all the time, play it cool, be like that guy Criss Angel who always seems serene no matter what hairy predicament he's in.
Orpheus: i want the Triad to be mobastic. that Angel man has tons of hair on his chest yet when he bare-chests it onstage his chest is like a baby's bottom.
Rusty: magic.
Orpheus: *stage voice* IS THIS CALM ENOUGH? i don't know what a microphone looks like.
Rusty: hey are you coming back this season?
Orpheus: we talk not of such matters, that makes my voice raise.

* Sirena: so that's you name now?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: yeah.
Sirena: you got married? it's been so long i don't remember.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: yeah......JFK was irreplaceable......that was back when arching had consequences......he was taken out by a fellow named Deep State.

* Gary: hi there. i'm that guy with the EXTREMELY annoying voice who was given a bigger platform than I ever deserved. i continue in this role to do the most annoying things and justify them with my most annoying voice cos i'm the "real nerd" of this group or something, the true believer in the bunch. i'm the only one in the cast who's a bad guy for the right reasons. just imagine if the writer's girlfriend hadn't broken up with him? Orpheus's daughter would be right now where i stand. she'd be the one knee-deep in long devleloping character arcs and action.

* Gary: wow. i overslept. reminded me of my college days. yeah my college days when my best friend wasn't dead and we lived as roommates, when we still felt the morning sun on our faces before math lecture at the hall. we were gonna be somebodies in this society, not have to rely on wearing costumes the rest of our lives. we were studying to be lepidopterologists.

* Wide Wale: i never knew you had red hair, Monarch.
Blue Morpho: i am the Blue Morpho!
Monarch: hey, stop hitting yourself! i mean stop hitting me! haven't you heard of concussions!? how ironic can this get for me? i'm gonna die of a sports concussion and i never reaped the benefits of playing sports!

* Wide Wale: so my origin story is as follows: it's the Hulk plus my older brother i looked up to more than our father was The Incredible Mr. Limpet until he became an invalid rorqual in a wheelchair cos as we all know rorquals can't swim, they're just faking it out there. ironically Dory from Finding Nemo fell in love with my brother's full lips when he was younger---it wasn't a liability for him---but my brother Dr. Dodongo's lips eventually fell off from talking too much. btw did they ever say if Nemo was a boy or girl?
Monarch: how iconic can this get?

* Wide Wale: sometimes i can be like a bear or a volcano. but no matter how i've looked through the years i've always been a used-car salesman from Thirty-Fourth Street.
Razor Ramon: i hate those guys who affect French accents to get le pussy.
Monarch: i know. that is such a pussy move. literally. shit.
Razor Ramon: what?
Monarch: chatte.

* Council members chattering.
Invisible Guy: how are we all gonna earn a living? we can't validate our existence validating parking! for some of us this isn't a game, take me for example. i'm actually invisible, not psychologically so like the rest of you.

* Red Death: i'll get you the head of Blue Morpho. i hate the color blue. i want a seat at the Council. i want to sit down and cool off my burning ass, it hurts like the motherfucking dickens.

* Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: how could you do that? how could you be this dumb?
Gary: i went to college for a week...

* Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: i push all your daddy's coworkers' buttons.
Red Death: *hot cocoa sweater* and i push your button, your belly button!
Red Death's daughter: silly daddy, i don't have a belly button, remember? you ate it. why do you keep calling me Benjamin Button?
Red Death: ask your mother, dear.

* Red Death: time for my searing Sam Shepard monologue. you wouldn't understand, kid, times were different back then, it was a meaningful age full of poets and playwrights.
Gary: i think i do tho. you're like the old guy at the end of The Dude movie. i could have just completed college and become that Scottish moth guy on Instagram. i feel strangely comfortable here at this dummy corporation.

* Red Death: the bay doors opened up......and we knew it wasn't a movie anymore......Jonas Venture had become......that black oily Spider-Man thing......

* Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: sweetie? oh no, The Venture Bros. is a post-MeToo show now, we ain't going back, the era of the nice jerk is over, no more hiding pills in my pillbox hat.

* Wide Wale: just point and click, son, that's what all you millennials like to do, eh?
Hank: *shaking* but i got a non-Duck Hunt gun in my hand this time. a gun i got from a nun. and i think that's my uncle or something. you should see me, i'm shaking like a wet leaf over here, i'm twittering up a storm!
Wide Wale: one shot and my daughter is all yours.
Hank: thank you, sir, i refer to your daughter as my Ong Bong because like her it's illegal, i want it, but i don't know how to use it.
The Monarch: if you're gonna kill me remove that ridiculous costume! i shall NOT be further humiliated! i will not suffer the indignity of being felled by the less-cool Latino in the room. at least have Razor Ramon do it.

* Sirena: *hands on heart* oh hi, hey, strange shriveled-up old whale. hey pops! why do i look human but my whole family looks like whales! it's starting to freak me out!
Wide Wale: you should thank me, you ungrateful teenager! i birthed you, that's how you got that nice ass you have. the phat ass of a whale.

* Sirena: Nintendo? what's that?
Razor Ramon: i'm gonna tie you up to your bed till you learn some respect for your history. you can't leave till you beat Zelda's Second Quest without any online help like we all had to do.
Sirena: you got the toothbrush this time? those toothpicks in your mouth ain't cuttin' it.

* Red Death: *crashing windows* ANYONE NEED THEIR PARKING VALIDATED???

* Wide Wale: but how?
Dr. Dugong: i survived cos there's a starfish on my face. i followed the instructions that nice white rapper from Limp Bizkit always sang to me: don't get excited during sex, have a bored expression on your face, remain unmoved. that's how i survived all these years.
Sirena: i instantly like you better than my father. my father wants me to do work-study, which doesn't exist.

* Dr. Dugong: why didn't you forward any of Ma's cat videos?
Wide Wale: i thought she was dead and that was a bot.

* Razor Ramon: see that flying car out there, Sirena? that's how big Nintendo consoles used to be.
Monarch: that's the Morpho Mobile! I'M CLEARED!!!
Red Death: no, sir, i'm afraid that's your car. you didn't get your parking validated and they towed it.