Doctor Who "Smile"

learned:

* knock-through. thank you.

* i am smiling. this is how i smile.

* YES! does this mean new House of Anubis?!!!

* Nardole: are you sure you don't me to say more lines? i don't have another project.
writer: no it's okay.

* Bill: how much did the TARDIS cost?
the Doctor: 1 bitcoin but it's complicated.

* the Doctor: past or future?
Bill: present.
the Doctor: oh.

* Bill: let me frolic in these wheatfields a bit more.
the Doctor: careful you'll lose your bow.
Bill: nah, tons of hairspray in this fro. it's a wig.

* the Doctor: you damn wet brain!
Bill: that's racist.

* Bill: so in the future, there is no language, only emojis.
the Doctor: you see there was this orange man who sped up the end of the world...

* Bill: i can't see my own emotion?
the Doctor: neither can i. it's like me on dates. i can't read you women. i ended up dating my own daughter.

* the Doctor: like a scale weighing itself...
Bill: i wonder how fat that girl i fed all the chips to is now...

* Bill: i hate jello.
the Doctor: not touching that one.

* Bill: hold up, you have two hearts? you must have horribly high blood pressure.
the Doctor: every time i regenerate, i have a heart attack. it's not funny.

* Bill: where is everybody?
the Doctor: NIN song or Twilight Zone episode?

* Bill: OMG Doctor, skulls! that stuff is farmer fertilizer! fertilizer made of farmers!
the Doctor: i know this is in poor taste but i still had to take a shower, i stunk. it was my soap and i'm sorry about that.

* Bill: EREHWON? what's that?
the Doctor: basically the UN.

* the Doctor: you'll be my map.
Bill: i don't do maps. i have automatic GPS on my phone, it does all the work.
the Doctor: fucking millennials.

* the Doctor: i forget, is it the red wire or the blue wire? i'm getting too old for this shit...

* the Doctor: how does it feel to be onboard a real spaceship?
Bill: it's no Enterprise but it's not nothing. where's Data the robot?
the Doctor: he's not a robot either. um...can we say that name?...BBC America still has the rights to TNG?

* Bill: Doctor, look at this. it's a poor woman as old as my gran.
the Doctor: that's you!
Bill: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
the Doctor: kidding.

* the Doctor: unhappiness is the enemy.
Bill: and Prozac is the cure.
the Doctor: consult your Doctor.

* Bill: sometimes i'm not happy and don't feel like smiling.
the Doctor: that's when you must smile the most.
Bill: that's depressing.

* the Doctor: wait, there are no more books in the future? it's just fucking blocks of shite touchscreens everywhere?!!! i hate my life.
Bill: now you're sounding like me.
the Doctor: fine, i hate my lives.

* the Doctor: you see, the entire building is made of bugs.
Bill: sounds like my first studio apartment in Oakland.
the Doctor: yeah i was there. i was your landlord.
Bill: never saw my landlord in those days. just slipped the rent envelope under the door. back to creepy-stalker Doctor again, eh?

* boy: hello. where am i? who am i? where's my mommy?!!!
Bill: you're supposed to say when am i?

* settler: he killed our people!
the Doctor: please, not the young Hitler analogy again. we did that episode extensively already.
settler: no the robot killed our people.
the Doctor: oh. sorry. i'm getting too old for this shit. my mind is wandering. i'm already thinking about my next project.

* the Doctor: what's the opposite of a massacre?
Bill: an orgy?
the Doctor: no, a lecture. i'm a professor, remember?
Bill: yeah well i'm a pro, too.

* the Doctor: on the subject of sex, look there isn't an easy way to tell you this, but i wanted the ginger for the Companion, not you.
Bill: she has a name you know.
the Doctor: what is it?
Bill: Heather, i looked it up.

* the Doctor: so you see the poor fisherman had to pay for his son's funeral who had come back in a pine box with the gold. he used his last wish to reset everything like it had never happened.
settler: it's like that X-Files episode.
the Doctor: ixnay on the referring to other sci-fi series on this show, it makes us look desperate.
Bill: i'd use the gold to buy instagram followers. of course i don't have a son.

* the Doctor: these sentient beings are the new planet natives. they are your new robot overlords.
Bill: i for one welcome them.
settler: so they're like those Indians who were at the top of the episode? treat them like the Indians?
the Doctor: y'know what forget i said anything.

* settlers: wait THAT's the price of rent around here? fuck that, we're moving to Oakland!!!

* Bill: Doctor, why is there an elephant on the frozen River Thames?
the Doctor: it's gonna strap on ice skates and do a couple of figure 8s. don't you watch cartoons?