The X-Files "Home Again"

learned:

* http://youtube.com/watch?v=pebJN-4qnLw

* this episode proves you can't go home again...

* did anyone else think this script was like the fourth draft when it needed to be the twentieth draft? i mean what's the point of filming if it's not at least the twentieth draft?

* the city hoses down its homeless.
Gaeta: hey, at least it's not gonna smell as bad around here anymore.

* i miss BSG.

* Gaeta: who are you? what are you doing?
Trashman: i'm the Trashman. i take out the trash. sorry.
Gaeta: what's with the bandage on your nose?
Trashman: PLEASE don't call me by my given name!

* Mulder: didn't even have the decency to put it in the right recycling bin.
FBI: Mulder, right? i thought you did the spooky cases. why are you joking around?
Mulder: have you not seen this show? we were around for a long time.
FBI: new viewer. you're gonna have to win me over. i won't fall for your nostalgia.

* Scully (on the phone): okay. i understand.
Mulder: is it your mother?
Scully: no, it's my motherfucking brother.

* Scully (by her mother's bedside): please don't go home again.
dying mother: but i love our house.
Scully: i mean to Heaven. we're religious scientists, remember?
dying mother: daughter i have a confession to make: i'm an alien.
Scully: that explains so much. Chris Carter thanks you.

* Mulder: i'm here. wanna play World of Warcraft? i'm a dark wizard.

* Scully: Mulder, i know you're the brooding big-question beefcake, but all i want right now are answers to the small questions.
Mulder: like what's your favorite color. what is your favorite color, Scully?
Scully: pepperoni.
Mulder: oh................i had some other questions for you but nevermind.

* Scully: why did you estrange yourself from the family?
estranged brother: i was the only human one. all you guys had been anally probed, i felt left out.

* art thief: yeah i'm gonna name this one Fart Collector, haha.
Trashman gorily kills the art thief.
art thief: Banksy, what happened to you? why so mad?
Trashman: i realized i was doing all this street art for free. i'm not me when i'm hungry.

* councilwoman: but why are you going after me? i was trying to help you folk. i just want my daughter to be safe.
Trashman: sorry but i really love "Downtown", hits me right in the nostalgia. art is pain.

* Scully falls cryingly into Mulder's chest.
Scully: i saw my mother being covered up with a tarp!
Mulder: it's okay, it wasn't your mother's corpse, it was mine *X-Files theme*

* Tim Armstrong: okay so it's my golem. in my defense, i'm a pretty good artist, right?
Mulder: i'm more Nirvana.
Tim Armstrong: that's a dirty word in our household. we say enlightenment.

* Scully: Trashman is your responsibility, he's your psychopath child.
Tim Armstrong: in my defense, the garbage trucks run on time.

* Mulder: this guy is a robotic murderer.
Tim Armstrong: in my defense, he's an avenging angel.
Mulder: yeah, i suppose. okay, i guess we'll drop it. file this under case closed. or something. i gotta go to the beach with my ginger lady.

* Scully: above all, Fox, i hope we didn't treat William like trash.
Mulder: not the right time i know, but would you mind doing a paternity test?

The X-Files "Mulder & Scully Meet the Were-Monster"

learned:

* don't know if laughing cos it's superbly silly or as a defense mechanism against the utter darkness.

* Scully: don't throw pencils at MY poster.
Mulder: this isn't your poster, i have a real poster of you i use i mean i have at my place.
Scully: you're looking dour, Fox. and you're sounding more and more like me. this isn't gonna work. well okay for 6 episodes maybe it can work.
Mulder: it's just that everything i thought were monsters turned out to be green glass. and i hate Perrier.

* Mulder: so we're looking for a were-lizard reptile humanoid with two eyes and human teeth.
Mulder breaks the fourth wall, looks directly at the camera and audience at home, and gives the Jenna Marbles Face.

* Kumail Nanjiani: what's wrong with your phone app? it keeps flashing.
Mulder: it's that Pokemon seizure thing all over again!
Kumail: Pokemon are the real monsters.

* Mulder: why is it that the only witnesses to these monsters are always potheads, crackheads, and...
motel clerk: peeping toms.
transgender woman: crackups like you, FBI man.
Scully: what's with all the animal masks? furry?
motel clerk: no, i just really love animals.

* psychologist: everything can be reduced to psychology. everything can be cured with a pill. everything is a delusion, the truth is eternal nothingness.
Mulder: what are you taking pills for there, doc?
psychologist: i'm under the delusion that everything i say is right.

* Mulder: the Lizard Man is either a lizard who became a human or a human who became a lizard.
Scully: what's the difference?
Mulder: one is evolution, one is just weird.

* drivethru woman: sir, you have to be in your car to use the drivethru. otherwise you must step inside.
Lizard Man: what if i pedal my bicycle inside?

* Lizard Man: i hated my job at the smartphone shoppe. i was just babbling nonsense to customers.
Mulder: so you were the Trump of the place.
Lizard Man: i really wanted it to be Hillary vs. Carly, those debates would have been a pleasure to watch alone in my motel room.

* Scully: there's something wrong with my phone, you haven't sent me your dick pics yet.
Lizard Man: so that's what a penis is for. and that's what the internet is for. i thought the penis was for urination. i thought the internet was for seeing the world and research.
Mulder: is that what Scully is really like? i wouldn't know, we have a platonic relationship. i sent that sperm donation to her out of pure love. i'm either asexual or a workaholic.

* Lizard Man: there's more in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophies.
Mulder: but i'm from Mars.

* Kumail Nanjiani: okay i'm the killer. but let me explain. i had a rough childhood.
Mulder: don't care.
Kumail: no wait! see i'm this intergalactic being named Prismo. turns out my boss is this guy named Finn who started the Mushroom War and created a giant gaping hole in the globe...

The X-Files "Founder's Mutation" Episode Discussion

learned:

* worker: i keep hearing weird sounds in my ear.
coworker: stick a Q-tip all the way into your ear, works every time.

* worker: none of you at the table hear that?
Edgar Allan Poe: that's your conscience, buddy.
a murder of crows lands all across the lawn outside.
Edgar Allan Poe: *creepy smile* they follow me everywhere.

* Scully: he killed himself with a letter opener.
Mulder: people still write letters? it could be that condition where some people can hear sounds others can't.
Scully: like when you never answer my texts?
Mulder: i got my pager on silent, the CIA is spying on me.

* victim's brother: please be gentle with me, it's my first time.
Mulder: same with me. wait, are we talking about the same thing? on the count of 3, let's both blurt out what we're talking about. 1, 2, 3...
victim's brother: gay sex.
Mulder: gay sex.
Mulder: okay, just making sure. oh, please don't tell Scully about this, she's religious.

* Scully: i had to break the victim's fingers to get at the message on his palm.
Mulder: it reads "Baba Booey".

* hot doctor's-assistant struts her stuff, has one line, and will be the key to everything come "My Struggle II".

* one child in the lab has an enormous mouth.
child: hey, didn't your mother teach you not to stare at someone eating?

* Scully: where are your parents?
another child with a head/cap deformity: what are parents?
Scully: would you like to come home with me and wait for your new brother William?
child: only if i get a cool name like Gibson Praise.

* young mother pregnant with child: help me, i need to get out of this asylum.
Mulder: why?
Nurse Ratched: sex is the devil's plaything.
Scully: i see what you mean.
young mother: yeah, that's my mom. she's jealous of me. in fairness, i did steal her boyfriend. this was supposed to be her baby.

* Mulder: you don't like cats?
doctor's wife: sorry. too many cat videos, that's why i'm locked up in here.
Scully: Mrs. Doctor, can you tell us about the time you saw your daughter breathing underwater?
doctor's wife: i was shocked at first. but then it made sense. too many viewings of The Little Mermaid.

* the fetus breaks out of the doctor's wife's womb like cracking an eggshell, sticks its hand out to remove itself out into the open and casually walks away from the mother.
Mulder: okay so NOW can the debate be closed on when a fetus becomes a living thing?

* Scully: do you ever think of William?
Mulder: yeah, he's great as Cigarette-Smoking Man.

* Mulder: did you know everyone in Europe is descended from just three men who lived in the Bronze Age?
Scully: yeah, their names were Moe, Larry, and Curly.
Mulder: i was descended from Shemp.

* Scully points her gun at the young man who can cause people to suicide.
Scully: stop whatever it is you're doing.
young man: it's nothing to be ashamed of, masturbation is perfectly natural and healthy.
the young man's palms start to grow hair.

* young man: that's not my sister.
Mulder: no, that's MY sister!!! where the hell have you been?!!
Mulder's sister: New Jersey.

* Skinner: okay, i'm here at the crime scene as usual cleaning up your two's mess.
Mulder and Scully: we really appreciate it all these years, boss.
Skinner lights up a cigarette.
Skinner: oh shit, you two weren't supposed to see that!

* William: Mom, where do babies come from?
Scully: when a mommy human and daddy alien love each other very much...
Mulder: "we go to the moon because it is hahd. like pahking the cah in the yahd."
William: Dad, what does the Monolith mean?
Mulder: nobody really knows for sure. you'll find out when you get abducted.

The X-Files "My Struggle" Episode Discussion

learned:

* nothing to do with Hitler.

* this isn't really a community discussion, more a one-man review *X-Files theme plays*

* chills. goosebumps. thick pink nostalgic goggles. but you know, as always, it isn't just the show itself, it's the time i was alive when the show was in its heyday. i look back at how stressfree, how pre-internet, how blogless my life was back then, an innocent babe enjoying the Canadian wilderness of that first season. i want to live in the Canadian wilderness. with Wolverine.

* scientist: can i get off the bus, Gus? i don't feel safe without a seatbelt.

* Mulder: my name is Fox Mulder. i was huge in the '90s. we got canceled in the 2000s. little did anyone know back then that the 2000s would be so godawful. nothing has changed since, it's only gotten worse. this isn't '90s nostalgia, folks, it's a cry for quality writing on tv. the first conspiracy came when music fans the world over anticipated what would come after Nirvana and were shocked and dismayed to learn it was the Backstreet Boys.

* Mulder: Scully, Obama's making fun of me on Fallon. i voted for him. thanks.

* scientist: why did you shoot that alien in the butt?!!!

* conspirator on tv: 9/11 was false flag! we're already fighting World War III! somehow, mysteriously, McDonald's is a viable stock again!
Mulder: why do you have bulletproof glass on your limo?
conspirator: for bullets.
Mulder: won't protect against single bullets.

* Mulder: Sveta is the key to everything.
Sveta: they took my babies!
Mulder: i can help with that.......so, where can i meet you alone late at night? is your depression endogenous, too?
Sveta: reactive.
Mulder: damn. what's your favorite color? mine's black.
Sveta: i don't see color.
Mulder: that's an enlightened answer.

* conspirator: wanna go on a date?
Scully: you're not gonna end up being the son Mulder and i have together, right? cos that would be weird.

* Mulder: how is it that you look exactly the same 14 years later?
Skinner: see all those pencils stuck up there on the ceiling? great for pull-ups.

* Mulder: this alien ship runs on the energy of the universe? how?
secret scientist: New Age.
the ship disappears.
Mulder: how did this ship disappear into thin air?
secret scientist: Klingon technology.
government soldiers barge into the warehouse and explode the ship.
secret scientist: don't worry, we can get a new ship, there's an Illuminati store nearby. take a right at the McDonald's and you're there.

* Scully: they are doing God's work with those poor souls born with no ears. next patient!
Simon Cowell: what am i doing here?! my ears work fine...
Scully: Fox is bringing back all their hits.

* Mulder: Tuskegee, Henrietta Lacks, Blair Walsh missing that field goal.
conspirator: Russian invasion, consumerism, Gostkowski missing that extra point.
Scully: her tests came back negative, cold, altitude. anything else?
Mulder: why is your face all weird, Scully?
conspirator: yeah. botox?
Scully: i am a woman, the greatest mystery in the universe.

* scientist as an old man: i know everything. but i can't tell you anything. the world fits nicely into one venal conspiracy theory. i mean the universe couldn't possibly be a cold, godless random void, could it?
Mulder: when will i finally learn all the secrets?! i've been kinda spinning my wheels for 14 years.
scientist as an old man: only when you get as old as me.
Mulder: something tells me i'm not gonna make it to your age.

* Sveta's car gets exploded by the alien spacecraft just as her radio tunes to "I Want It That Way."

* Scully: i suppose we have no choice but to go after those SOBs.
Mulder: Super Omniscient Beings?

* the Cigarette-Smoking Man gets help from a hot nurse to smoke his cigarette through the hole in his neck.
Cigarette-Smoking Man: cigarettes couldn't kill me. what chance did missiles have?

Mike Tyson Mysteries "Ogopogo" Episode Discussion

learned:

* i'm happy and sad this is over, ya feel me?

* Mike: why didn't you tell me the mystery slip was from Pigeon's wife?
Marquess: you explicitly made it clear you would never have time for bird sex.

* the gang waits for the porn to finish.
Pigeon: always finishes the same way...and yet i come back to it time and time again.

* Pigeon: God is dead. and no one cares. if there is a Hell i'll see you there...

* Pigeon in the carryall.
Marquess: you're giving me the silent treatment...it's so nice. i just ate the key to that carryall.
the key goes through Marquess.
Marquess: dammit.

* the Indian: OGOPOGO!
Mike: you scared the shit outta me! how'd you know i'm afraid of pogo sticks? that's some indian-magic shit going on there.
the Indian: come on, man, that's a hurtful stereotype.
the Indian begins to cry like Iron Eyes Cody.
the Indian: damn this show.

* Pigeon flies over and shits on his wife.
Pigeon's wife: just like our honeymoon.

* Pigeon's wife: drink?
Mike: think about it, ma'am. think about me for a moment. think about me sober and then think about me drunk.

* the gang looks through the photo album.
Yung: holy fuck Pigeon is a hot human! right?
Marquess: not as hot as me.
Mike: he looks cold to me. look at those nipples.

* Pigeon and his wife have sex upstairs.
Pigeon: this isn't technically bestiality, okay?
Pigeon's wife: i don't mind.
Pigeon: now i get it...

* Marquess: what were you doing in there for so long? masturbating?
Yung turns red.
Yung: no, threeway with Pigeon and his wife.
Mike: that's good, masturbation is a sin.

* God transforms Pigeon's wife into a pigeon.
God: that's for earlier. you guys never learn. remember what happened to Nietzsche?

Mike Tyson Mysteries "Greece is the Word" Episode Discussion

learned:

* at the council meeting:
councilman: in order to be fair, we need an independent investigation.
Trump: you're not a very good councilman. life's not fair, look what happened to Clemson.
councilman: i'll get the Scooby Gang on the case.
other councilman: who?
Trump: i smoked pot with Shaggy in college. i bought the pot, Shaggy let me stroke his hair.

* Marquess: is that the pizza?
Mike: it's some guys in suits. quick, before they zap me and i forget everything...
Yung: i love you, dad.
Mike: ...no, REMEMBER THE HOT WINGS!

* the doorbell plays Fur Elise.........and Under Pressure.

* Apple genius: it says here you forgot to take a shit.
Mike: yeah, well, i don't give a shit! i take one. where's your bathroom?

* Pigeon: i said i was sohry.
Yung: ah HA! you outed yourself! you're a Degrassi fan!

* Mike: are you God? is this Heaven?
Atlantis guy (after drawn-out demonic laughter): this is better than Heaven...
Mike: thank you, God! i finally get to fight without rules. i've always wanted to do MMA.

* Atlantis guy: i will now give you a tour of my Greek heritage. step over any pile of stereotype you see. there's me with my gold chain and exposed hairy chest, there's us throwing and breaking plates and saying opa!, there's the goat pissing in the fountain, there's me saying "baby", the disturbing armless statues, hitting bottles on tables, the tinny folk music that always plays that one song, and the doors that never open.
Mike: can i have some soup?
Atlantis guy: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Yung: doors that never open?
Atlantis guy: yeah, after the whole Pandora's box debacle...
Pigeon: i loved Pandora's open box...

* Atlantis guy: wanna dance?
Mike punches him in the jaw.
Mike: i float and sting motherfucka. that's for the soup.

* Mike: no van? i hate when that happens. i guess i'll hail a taxi.
taxi pulls up. the Atlantis guy is the driver.
Atlantis guy:...here's me being a taxi driver...

Mike Tyson Mysteries "Tent Revival" Episode Discussion

learned:

* wait, where's that Atlantis guy who sounds like that Seinfeld guy?

* Mike: come on, Marquess, you can fly up there, i've seen you naked, you're ripped.

* Mike: is that a termite?
exterminator: no, cooking splatter.
Mike: grease is even more dangerous for you.
Dr. Steve Brule: for your health.
exterminator: i know what i'm talking about, i'm a Satanist.

* Mike: i won't get into what you did with Oscar Wilde in your college years.
Marquess: that bastard stole all my best quotes.

* this isn't another rip, this is serious: seeing Mike in his black boxer shorts knocked me out with nostalgia. there needs to be one episode of this glorious show before it gets canceled that has cameos from all of the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! boxers. and Little Mac. and Doc Louis. not Referee Mario. only Mike can understand what Bald Bull is saying. Soda Popinski and Marquess are drinking buddies. Yung loses her virginity-by-choice to Little Mac. and Pigeon of course steals Little Mac's bike from Doc.

* *naked Yung*
Marquess: here, Yung dear, take my shirt.
Pigeon: *episode title* pardon my gawking, but i am only human. i am the voice of the audience.
Yung: no, you're the voice of the animators.