The X-Files "Mulder & Scully Meet the Were-Monster"

learned:

* don't know if laughing cos it's superbly silly or as a defense mechanism against the utter darkness.

* Scully: don't throw pencils at MY poster.
Mulder: this isn't your poster, i have a real poster of you i use i mean i have at my place.
Scully: you're looking dour, Fox. and you're sounding more and more like me. this isn't gonna work. well okay for 6 episodes maybe it can work.
Mulder: it's just that everything i thought were monsters turned out to be green glass. and i hate Perrier.

* Mulder: so we're looking for a were-lizard reptile humanoid with two eyes and human teeth.
Mulder breaks the fourth wall, looks directly at the camera and audience at home, and gives the Jenna Marbles Face.

* Kumail Nanjiani: what's wrong with your phone app? it keeps flashing.
Mulder: it's that Pokemon seizure thing all over again!
Kumail: Pokemon are the real monsters.

* Mulder: why is it that the only witnesses to these monsters are always potheads, crackheads, and...
motel clerk: peeping toms.
transgender woman: crackups like you, FBI man.
Scully: what's with all the animal masks? furry?
motel clerk: no, i just really love animals.

* psychologist: everything can be reduced to psychology. everything can be cured with a pill. everything is a delusion, the truth is eternal nothingness.
Mulder: what are you taking pills for there, doc?
psychologist: i'm under the delusion that everything i say is right.

* Mulder: the Lizard Man is either a lizard who became a human or a human who became a lizard.
Scully: what's the difference?
Mulder: one is evolution, one is just weird.

* drivethru woman: sir, you have to be in your car to use the drivethru. otherwise you must step inside.
Lizard Man: what if i pedal my bicycle inside?

* Lizard Man: i hated my job at the smartphone shoppe. i was just babbling nonsense to customers.
Mulder: so you were the Trump of the place.
Lizard Man: i really wanted it to be Hillary vs. Carly, those debates would have been a pleasure to watch alone in my motel room.

* Scully: there's something wrong with my phone, you haven't sent me your dick pics yet.
Lizard Man: so that's what a penis is for. and that's what the internet is for. i thought the penis was for urination. i thought the internet was for seeing the world and research.
Mulder: is that what Scully is really like? i wouldn't know, we have a platonic relationship. i sent that sperm donation to her out of pure love. i'm either asexual or a workaholic.

* Lizard Man: there's more in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophies.
Mulder: but i'm from Mars.

* Kumail Nanjiani: okay i'm the killer. but let me explain. i had a rough childhood.
Mulder: don't care.
Kumail: no wait! see i'm this intergalactic being named Prismo. turns out my boss is this guy named Finn who started the Mushroom War and created a giant gaping hole in the globe...