The X-Files "My Struggle II"

learned:

* still nothing to do with Hitler. i think.

* and i thought LAST week was the strangest hour of television i had ever watched. not good strange, weird bad strange. not so much strange love as the strange.

* Scully: my name is Dana Scully. i wanted to be a doctor. i wanted to be a scientist. i wanted to be Neil deGrasse Tyson. then i got abducted by aliens. now i host my own show on Fox.

* Scully: OMG WHERE'S MULDER????!!!!
Skinner: relax he just went to lunch. i'm glad you aked, you forced Chris Carter to write me a line.
Scully: OMG THERE'S ALIEN POISON IN THOSE FASTFOOD CHEESEBURGERS!!!!

* Scully: the science here is very complicated but basically it comes down to alien DNA. we need as much alien as possible.
Tad O'Malley: so you're saying you're a Bernie supporter? that's the real global pandemic.

* Einstein: is it just me or is the dialogue in this episode off, wonky, and unnatural?
Scully: it is wonky. but you're still overacting.

* Reyes: how did you survive a missile to the face?
Cigarette Smoking Man: i survive worse to my face at the club on Saturday nights.
Reyes: who do you think you are? God?
CSM: i'm the most dangerous being who has ever lived. so yes, God. you're prettier than that other girl who smoked my cigarettes for me.
Reyes: the joke's on you, these are menthols.
CSM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* Scully: so you show up out of the blue after all these years to announce you're a coward?
Reyes: damn you, Chris Carter, i was told i was gonna be in the Darin Morgan episode.

*  Mulder takes off his shirt. the assailant takes off his shirt. the two engage in some rad kung-fu fighting in a log cabin.
assailant: you're pretty good. you got some nice moves. who trained you?
Mulder: Master Splinter.
assailant: yeah i'm just here waiting for this Gronk Boat thing to start.

* Scully: stop! do not loot! do not riot! do not smash iphone-store windows. wait, is that the new iphone? can you get me one of those? yeah, that one, thanks. i wanted to get mine fixed but i ended up having sex with a Lizard Man at the last iphone store i went to.

* Einstein and Scully engage in some hot one-on-one ginger-babe-on-ginger-babe action. even blood is exchanged.

* Miller tries to see where Mulder is headed by tapping into his computer.
Miller (takes a breath): prepare for the weirdest porn you've ever imagined...............wait, all i see are cat pics. and it says on his calendar that Mulder is regularly keeping his weekly appointments with his psychiatrist. it's worse than i thought!

* CSM: did you know that this year was the hottest year on record in all of human history?
Mulder: so that justifies killing everyone?
CSM: have you seen my face when i take off my skin? i chafe easily, this heat's no good for me. genocide is such a dirty word. i like to think of it as a little mass-murder to accelerate the process and get to the New Age quicker. think of it this way: we shudder at suicide but take someone dying of old age more easily. both are deaths, it's just a matter of time. death is death, no matter how long it takes.
Mulder: so you won't mind if i shoot you right here and now and waste no time?
CSM: please, Fox, that's so uncivilized. i'm your father btw. and your son is an alien.
Mulder: fine, i'll karate-chop you then. what alien told you of this grand apocalyptic prophecy?
CSM: it was all foretold by E.T.

* Miller: why did you form this cabal?
CSM: who the hell are you? anyway, i formed it to be close to Madonna. i'm an '80s child through and through.
Mulder: if i can't stop you, someone else will. someone else will save the planet.
Captain Planet flies into the log cabin and kicks CSM's ass.
CSM: see? told ya.

* Tad (on the webcast): folks, this is the end. the end of civilization. it's the end of the world as we know it and i don't feel fine. wait. i'm getting a text. from a doctor? no, it's from my baby mama asking for child support. as i was saying, the hot ginger doctor says we're all gonna be okay...

* the alien spaceship hovers above Scully.
aliens: we are known as the Deus Ex Machina.
Miller: Scully! get out from under that alien ship's beam! you're getting dangerously close to a cliffhanger!
Scully: it's okay, Agent Miller. i'm doing this for all of us. this ensures they will HAVE to make more episodes.
Mulder: our son William is driving that alien ship, huh?
Scully: don't be silly, Fox, William's too young to drive.

* oh, "My Struggle, Too". i just got that.