Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Drive to Survive"

learned:

* fart jokes. move along.

* Calvin: i can't drive.
Hayley: i can't be with you anymore. Calvin's still a cool name but it's over.

* did you see that? one of the girls at the school was wearing the exact same Pink Ranger street-clothes getup with the pink top and jeans. i mean, come on. is she the understudy? fills in when the Pink Ranger gets sick? next season's Pink Ranger is already cast?

* it's not bad acting, it's natural acting.

* Redbot: i believe in you.
Calvin: yeah but you're a robot.

* Hayley: i believe in you.
Calvin: is it weird we've been together for 5 years and haven't kissed?

* Mick: that's a cool bike, Calvin.
Calvin: yeah she's alright.
Mick: not Hayley, the motorcycle. i can soup it up for you. we'll sell a million toys!
Calvin: how? one of these bikes is like a million dollars. kids don't have that kind of money.

* monster: i just wanted a meal.
Sarah: you're not gonna eat us Rangers!
monster: please? i'll comb my hair.

* Calvin: i've learned my lesson. even when i'm deathly nervous i have to push through and just do it and save the day. i'm gonna call my agent and audition for the next Scorsese film. i will land the lead!

* Calvin: i love you guys.......except Sarah.

* Victor and Monty are flying in a fart bubble over the school.
the Rangers laugh.
Sarah: still not as cool as my hoverboard.
the fart bubble catches on the flagpole, bursts, and sends Victor and Monty flying all around the sky.
the Rangers laugh.
Victor and Monty die.

* Madame Odius: here's the toilet brush. scrub! we had beans for dinner!
Galvanax: yeah but they were green beans.
Madame Odius: oh for fuck sake. i can't wait till i'm in charge of you morons.
Galvanax: do you know Madame the puppet?
Madame Odius: i am Madame the puppet.

Justice League Action "Under a Red Sun"

learned:

* Batman: why do they call you Big Barda?
Big Barda: cos i got a big ****
Superman: that hurt my virgin ears.

* parademons: we parademons aren't dumb, we just speak a different language. it comes out as gobbledygook to you.
Batman: poor dumb animals.
parademons: hey! oh yeah?! well, you're grown men and you use little yellow crying smiley faces when you're sad.

* Big Barda: so i guess i'm the Wonder Woman for this little adventure.

* Big Barda: i'm winning the count.
Batman: can i let you in on a little secret? i never learned to count. was too busy kicking ass.

* Steppenwolf: i'm back!
Superman: are you the band or the novel?
Steppenwolf: i'm the one who bought a sun.
Superman: how much was it?
Steppenwolf: free. energy is free.

* Steppenwolf: under this red sun you are powerless against me.
Superman: A-HA!!! that red is just a filter. the actual sun here is yellow like a yellow emoticon. now who's the baby manchild?!
the red sun of the planet is now a huge yellow smileyface.

* baron?: hello i am zis german or something baron generic villain who guards Apokolips for Darkseid. do you have any questions?
Batman: how long will that forcefield you got there hold up under sustained heavy pressure that's not punches or kicks?
the bubble cube bursts under the weight of the huge statue head.
baron: what zis happened?
Batman: Hitler was an painter, not a scientist.

* Steppenwolf: how does it feel to have a broken leg?
Superman: it hurts like fuck. how does it feel to have a broken heart?
Steppenwolf: what do you mean?
Superman: i'm doing your mom.
Steppenwolf begins to cry.
Superman: hey she called me about a cat in a tree...

* Big Barda: i win the count.
Superman: can i let you in on a little secret? i can't count.
Big Barda: you, too?
Batman: superheroing takes sacrifice.

* Big Barda: job well done, boys. wanna fuck?
Batman: i have a boyfriend.
Superman: me, too. hopefully he brings me some soup for my leg when we get home.
Batman: you like chicken noodle, right?

Justice League Action "Time Share"

learned:

* thank you for this, show. it's not a time machine but it's something.

* Chronos: this isn't just a thermos, it's a Rocky Mountain Tumbler!

* Batman: shit, those words will bite me in the ass later on this episode. this is why i don't talk.

* Blue Beetle: where do i begin and my Siri ends?
Siri: let's watch Her again after the takedown. i need a break from all this masculinity.

* Batman: y'know when i ascend the wall in a direct vertical line with the rope, i'm really doing it horizontally. it's all a camera trick.
Blue Beetle: i didn't know you were a lifecaster, Batman.

* Batman: the first time i posed the lightning struck me. i forgot all of the '90s.
Blue Beetle: that is a bigger tragedy than your parents.

* Blue Beetle: please tell me you got a shot of that.
Siri nods.
Batman: you could have just asked me for the DVD.
Blue Beetle: what's a DVD?

* Blue Beetle: if we're not careful you could be erased from the timeline.
Batman: at least do it before Batman & Robin comes out.

* Chronos: look at me! i'm doing parkour!
Batman: this is the '90s, that isn't cool yet, it's just trespassing now.

* Falcone: i'm Falcone, the greatest crime mind Gotham has ever known. you mean to tell me some freak in a bat costume will surpass me?
Batman: i'm afraid so. you are clearly smart but we went in another direction. we're tired of generic villains.
Falcone: o why did i have to be born into la famiglia?

* Superman: good job, kid. he never says someone did a good job. can i borrow your phone?
Blue Beetle: sure, Superman. what for?
Superman: Wonder Woman and i are gonna fuck and post our sex videos online. don't tell Batman.

* Blue Beetle: okay, Siri, i'm on the roof waiting for the lightning. ready to take the selfie?
Siri: is it a selfie if i take the picture of you? a selfie should be a picture of me.

Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Presto Chango-O"

learned:

* it should have been titled "Preston Chango" obviously. they really whiffed on that one.

* in this mythology, the zord conforms to your deepest desire. my zord would be a big dildo.

* i love how the giant red robot zord moves by walking fast. prediction: Redbot is somehow this giant red robot zord after all.

* Preston: i'm a fucking Power Ranger but that's not enough for me. i also want to be a magician who pulls rabbits out of hats.

* i like how's there's a Calvin in the group, Calvin's a regal name befitting a Ranger. Mick should have been called Mech. no way would the bully be Victor Vincent and the nerd be Monty, those two should have switched names.

* Brody: you just gotta believe, Preston.
Preston: thanks, Brody. i will surpass my brother Yoshi in handsomeness some day.

* Calvin: i love you, Hayley.
Hayley: i love you, Calvin.
Sarah: awww, you guys are so cute! have you fucked yet?

* Sarah: you like my jeans, girl?
Hayley: those are my jeans, girl.

* Madame Odius: i have a plan, master.
Galvanax: say that again. your voice is so smooth and buttery. pure silk. have you ever considered modeling?

* Sarah: you're a chump!
Galvanax: i've been called worse.
Sarah: chump means something different in Brazilian.

* Monty: help! put my halves back together!
Preston: sorry about that. you're a nerd so you don't matter.
Monty: wait hold on. i look better as this square-shape person. according to my calculations, our ratings just spiked 1000%. the Minecraft audience is watching us now.

* Brody: thanks so much for the brand new range rover! i love you guys!
Sarah: i hope you're satisfied. this thing was so expensive Calvin had to take out a second loan and got into some money issues with Hayley and they broke up.

Justice League Action "Galaxy Jest"

learned:

* i wanted to do that clever nuclear-family one but oh well

* the Joker? again? oh Awesome Joker. Awesome Joker's awesome!

* Batman: why are you always smirking, Diana? it's annoying.

* Superman: i am not familiar with this clown.
Batman: i know but all we can do is wait for the midterms.
Superman: no, the Joker.
Batman: read The Killing Joke.
Superman: grown men shouldn't still be reading comics.

* Joker: it's a good thing i didn't wear a skirt today.
Batman: but you still didn't wear any pants today.

* Mongul: make my men laugh, they are monsters, their lives are so sad all the time.

* Joker: i heard Mongul has trouble going to the bathroom.
Mongul punches Joker.
Joker: what was that for?! it's a roast, man, it's a roast.

* Flash: can we make this fast?
Wonder Woman: very funny.
Flash: i gotta be somewhere.
Wonder Woman: no one is interested in your bedroom conquests.
Flash: no i have to go to the bathroom. number 2 takes a lot of time for me.

* Wonder Woman: is this the part where i kick ass and take down all of Mongul's men by myself?
Mongul's army: we surrender. here, take this pink pussyhat as your reward.
Wonder Woman: wow this is nice! soft to the touch yet durable. fine craftsmanship.
Mongul's army: thank you. we do a little knitting on the side to stave off the unremitting boredom of space.

* Joker: you're too late, Batman! i've set the gas to go off by timer.
Joker looks at his silly Apple watch.
Joker: 3-2-1.........*fart*
Joker farts.
Superman: thank god you're too juvenile to be a real threat.
Batman: it seems you still haven't read The Killing Joke...

Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Live and Learn"

learned: (get it?)

* uh so yeah, sorry bout that. i thought this thing started in February. whoops.

* i'm sure this will all make sense once i see the first two episodes...

* first impressions: ass. and tits.

* i knew it. the aliens are watching us. they knew about reality tv way before we did.

* so this is Degrassi: Next Class huh. i just couldn't keep up and dropped Degrassi from my life. i still regard the ending on TeenNick as the proper finale.

* the scientist helper sidekick dude is like a more mature Ziggy.

* wow, the jock and the nerd are best friends? progressive.

* robots. there's always gotta be robots.

* "that's for me to know and for you to NEVER find out!" you got me, show.

* it's only cheating if you get caught.

* yeah that's the point of tech. to make life so comfortable for us we are lulled into a false sense of security. that's when the robots invade.

* please, you are modern women. take off those white and pink shirts.

* alien: i'm on rollerblades. i'm cool.
Ranger: have you heard of an Earthling called The Most Interesting Man in the World? he thought differently. i'm sure you haven't. he's on Mars now. he's a legend. they replaced him with some skinny punk with a pencil beard.

* jock: so this is what it feels like to get bullied and have it broadcast all over the internet.................how many views?
nerd: more than the Rangers.
jock: how many views when it was remixed?
nerd: it got LESS views after the remix. when will people learn?

Doctor Who "The Return of Doctor Mysterio"

learned:

* do i have to?

* *dusts off blog*

* *can't dust off blog, rusted shut*

* i enjoyed the break, thank you. i really enjoyed the break.

* Mysterio? come on, Moffat.

* when 90 minutes feels like 60 minutes...

* this takes me back to the golden years. the '80s, my introduction to Superman, my introduction to film in general, movie popcorn when the butter was still real, pre-instagram, glorious pre-instagram.

* i never got into comic books tho. found that whole scene creepy.

* back when superheroes realized how corny they were. see everyone was Deadpool back then.

* boy: mom there's a strange man dangling from our roof.
mom: stuff his pie hole full of cookies.
the Doctor: is your mom hot? i mean ho ho ho.
mom: how dare you!
the Doctor: no i was adding the flimsy Christmas theme to this.
mom: forget the cookies, Peter, you need carrots. you're looking a little gaunt.

* Peter: whatever you do, kid, don't swallow this gem which will grant you the power to fly.
the kid swallows the gem.
the kid: i'm a kid.

* Peter: puberty hit yet?
young man: yep. it's embarrassing. i don't want to look at my crush naked.
Peter: so? what you reckon?
young man: you need to work out.

* Grant: i'm a male nanny. got a problem with that?
Peter: no only the part when you slip into that male-escort costume.
Grant: gotta make a buck. superheroing doesn't pay the bills. hey can you lend me some money?
Peter: no i'm getting sick of these bad scripts, i think i'm done after this series.

* Grant, get it?

* Lucy Fletcher. the most British name ever.

* Big Bad: the non-romantic plotline here which no one cares about is that there are brains or something, alien brains with eyes, that i can see out of, and misdirection, false flag, nativism, and i'm gonna take over the world.
Peter: why does everyone want to take over the world? what's the point? haven't you seen Before the Flood?

* Lucy: i'm not a bad mother i just really need a date night.
Grant: have you tried Care.com?
Lucy: so you're seeing someone? i'm jealous, but i don't know why.
Grant: it's the same reason Chi-Chi is attracted to Goku...

* Peter: please, no guns. no guns in Doctor Who. we're like Batman.

* Nardole: hi. i'm Nardole. i look weird. i have a weird face. and a weird bald head. here for comic relief. and wisdom.

* Nardole: you're lonely.
Peter: no i'm not! i follow Maisie on instagram!

* Lucy: i'm intrepid. i know when you're lying, Peter. squeeze.....................no, not there! the squeaky chew toy thingy!

* at their rooftop dinner date:
Lucy: why are you called The Ghost?
Grant: cos my hard-earned cash keeps disappearing...
Lucy: what's your favorite pizza topping?
Grant: super. does that red dress mean you want to have sex?
Lucy: no it's to show that pepperoni is my favorite. Goku was a bad father.
Grant: look i tried my best acting that thing, okay?!

* Peter: so basically if Grant doesn't get a boner before the bomb explodes, he saves the day. but he's with his childhood crush.
Big Bad: ingenious, no?
Peter: hold on i'm getting a tweet from realdonaldtrump saying he thinks this plot is a disaster.

* Peter: i'm over my girlfriend okay. i don't think about River Song anymore. endings are both sad and beautiful.
Grant: cookies?
Peter: i can't eat sweeties anymore.