Doctor Who "The Husbands of River Song" Episode Discussion

learned:

* i laughed, i cried...........mostly i cried

* the Doctor: is there anything on my head?
Nardole: please tell me that's hair gel.
the Doctor: hehe, that Cleopatra...

* the Doctor: RIVER!
River Song: oh. where's David Tennant? is David Tennant busy? can David Tennant come back?

* King Hydroflax: oh dahlin, i love when we make love.
River: yes dahlin, you give good head.
Hydroflax: you, surgeon, fix me now!
the Doctor: okay but i'm a proctologist.
the crowds on the screens cheer.
the Doctor: oh come on, those aren't real people, this is the youtube era, man!

* River: an archaeologist is just a thief who's patient.
the Doctor: i'm a proctologist. i'm the opposite. when you gotta go, you gotta go.
River: this stolen diamond is but a pittance as recompense for all of the blood on your, um, head.
Hydroflax: but dahlin, that diamond was to be your engagement ring.
River: how come you never got me a fat shiny rock like this?
the Doctor: diamonds bring back bad bad memories for me.

* River: hold this head in a bag. it's just like the time we went bowling together.
the Doctor: we never went bowling together.
River: you never take me anywhere! hello, Ramone, give mama some sugar.
River and Ramone kiss.
the Doctor: excuse me, buddy, i'm her husband.
Ramone: i know.
River and Ramone kiss again.
the Doctor: so that thing where you mush faces together, that's a thing? oh look, honey, you dropped your wallet. hey all of the other Doctor pics are here, even the War Doctor, but not me?!
River: this was during the time before you were announced. Steven Moffat was considering playing Twelve.
the Doctor: i've had enough of all you thirsty people. i'm going back to meditating with Bors. at least i know Bors isn't thirsty. we have water over there.

* Scratch: do you have the item?
River: do you have the money? and stop whispering, it reminds me of a library.
Scratch cuts open his head.
Scratch: OH SHIT! i cut vertical when i should have cut horizontal! help me get my fucking face back together!
River: you don't have to shout. this is a restaurant, not a Taylor Swift concert.
Scratch: lady don't screw me.
River: but this is a screwball comedy.
Hydroflax enters.
Scratch: ALL HAIL BAYMAX

* the Doctor: i realize that joke about the poor economy was in bad taste but it was better than the one i considered about Trump being America's first dictator.

* the Doctor: kid, you should build a restaurant here.
Alphonse: no money.
the Doctor: take this diamond.
Alphonse: so we're married now?

* at the restaurant a few years later...
River: how do i look?
the Doctor: your breasts are quite handsome.
River: lucky for you i'm a Smashing Pumpkins fan. is that a gift for me? omg i'm fangirling over here. what is it?! it's...it's...your sonic sunglasses? you damn regifter!
the Doctor: PLEASE let me unload them on you, i've been trying to get rid of those things for the longest but no one in the entire universe wants them.

* the Doctor and River stare eternally at the stardrenched Singing Towers of Darillium. the Towers sing their trademark song with their beautiful female operatic voices.
River: let us spend the remaining time we have together together forever.
the Doctor: yes, dear. i love you, sweetie. no one knows exactly what the song means but it has something to do with perseverance.
the first song ends and the second song starts. the second song is "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift.
River: so, uh, see you around?
the Doctor: yep, bye bye.