SNL Reese Witherspoon / Florence + the Machine Episode Discussion

learned:

* Mom Montage Monologue: best monologue the show has ever done and i didn't laugh once. i am concerned that Cecily so readily gave up "cocaine" at age 13.

* Picture Perfect Draw The Clue Pictionary game show thing: not funny, not funny at all, this is serious.

* High School Theatre Show: see this isn't funny so much as it is needed. listen, take it from me, being a high-school theatre geek is the last time you're gonna have the opportunity to be earnest about the serious issues of our world without being laughed off the stage. i say go for it.

* Southern Ladies: they should have started with the robbery and the tweest at the end is that they're all angels.

* Water Slide: Kyle and Beck, this is for you, you two alone: i love you guys, but this is your first out-and-out dud. it bombed. so let's all bomb together, let's hold hands and cannonball into the water. see, wasn't that refreshing?

* Whiskers R We: you have to really go in there and caress her tit. sorry, but you have to commit to the comedy bit.

* Florence + the Machine: the coolest ginger this side of Karen Gillan. her stage presence, her electric voice, the vibrato of it all, the sneaky guitar. the stool. imagine if she had actually gotten out of that stool. she wanted to, she wanted to breakdance but Lorne said no.

* Mr. Westerberg: not funny, not funny at all, only funny if you're a fan of dark humor.

* Goodnights: don't thank Lorne, moms are all that matter.

Law & Order SVU "Perverted Justice" Episode Discussion

learned:

* now this is what i'm talkin bout. much much better, i mean we actually had an episode that wasn't a soap opera. it wasn't about gambling debts or ex-wives or babies. it was a case. how refreshing. we were introduced to a new family and the show focused on that family, not the squad. and, gasp, there was a MYSTERY here! there was a messy ending. it was left to the viewer to decide. what is this, the first season of the mothership show?

* the biggest star of this episode turned out to be someone no one was expecting: frickin' Wilson is back! but he's turned into an asshole lawyer. House would love him now!

* Carisi: hey boss, i didn't know yous was Unitarian.
Liv: i'm not but it's good for my son to have something to hang onto.
Carisi: something to rebel against when he gets older.
Liv: what are you, Carisi?
Carisi: i believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. nah just bustin' ya chops, but i do love spaghetti.

* Pembleton: oh my god what i would have done if i was out on the streets of Baltimore during that one day of riots...

* Liv: those kids are so cute! so Captain, how are you and Mel Harris?
Cragen: i'm not with her anymore, i'm with Nicole Wallace.
Amaro: come on Captain.
Cragen: i know, i know, but she's hot.
Amaro: the station's fallen apart without you, Captain.
Cragen: i know, this show basically died when Stabler left.

* Rollins: Captain!
Cragen: hello blondie, do i know you? sorry it's just i'm getting older and every blonde i see now registers in my brain as Nicole Wallace.
Carisi: hello, Captain.
Cragen: hello, sonnyboy.
Carisi: that's exactly right, sir, that's exactly my name.

* spaced-out former lawyer: i used to practice law till they disbarred me. is it a crime to have 1723 hand puppets in one's apartment? got any weed? it's legal now, right?
Amaro: ma'am do you know anything about a certain letter?
spaced-out former lawyer: E is my favorite letter. i watch Sesame Street everyday. on E.
Rollins: thank you ma'am, goodbye. so Nick, wanna fuck somewhere before lunch?

* cranky judge: step away, counselor, i read the paperwork, i'm prepared.
Pembleton: what really happened to the sympathetic judge i wanted?
cranky judge: i stole her paperwork and locked her in my office. happy?

* at the bar.
Pembleton: i'll have what she's having.
Liv: i'm having prune juice.

SNL Scarlett Johansson / Wiz Khalifa Episode Discussion

first, some housekeeping:

* after this weekend i really miss Mike Tyson...in the ring anyway, and in classic video games, and on awesome 11-minute adult swim shows.

* Romain Dauriac: from all of us here and around the world, we salute you, sir.

learned:

* i'm about to be wilding...but there are only two more left. will i survive? stay tuned.

* cold open: more exciting than the actual fight, less exciting than the Kentucky Derby. i would pay for the SNL version of the fight. no i wouldn't. i would never pay for boxing, that's insane.

* monologue: MILF: Mother who's been In a Lot of Films. but what kind of films? is the question.

* Marvel knows girls. do you see all those nerds flooding all those Marvel cons all the time? well they all had to have come from somewhere.

* Bruce Jenner.

* Virgin Flight: there is no such thing as malfunctioning babe robots.

* Wiz Khalifa: i love that dude's high angelic voice. no, the other dude, not Wiz Khalifa. i love Wiz Khalifa, Wiz Khalifa is a tall, skinny dude like me. Wiz Khalifa is the happiest rapper i've ever seen.

* Orioles game: sad though it was, i have to say the first-ever empty-stadium MLB game was a historic sight to behold and it got to me. it was weird and haunting and you could hear a pin drop Anubis-style. and i kinda want to keep it this way, let's have all the games like this from now on, it's the only way i'll ever be interested in boring-as-the-dirt-they-play-on baseball ever again. except of course when my Giants win a tense, thrilling last game of the World Series and stuff.

* Blazer: what would happen to Jack Bauer in real life. if he were racist.

* goodnights: damn girl, come on ScarJo, spoilers! i'm glad i didn't pay for the fight and just followed it on Skip Bayless's twitter...so Manny won, right?

Law & Order SVU "Daydream Believer" Episode Discussion

learned:

* thanks, now that song is ruined forever. sorry Sleepy Jean, maybe we'll go to the homecoming dance together next year when we're both fifth-year seniors.

* okay i just got here at 10, i have no idea what's going on.

* Lewis did it better.

* random stranger: oh you were kidding.
psychopath: yeah, you'll find that psychopaths like me are quite funny. if we weren't psychopaths we'd kill it on the comedy circuit. sorry, kill, yeah i know, sorry.

* psychopath: who is this little guy blocking the road?
Willow: Willow Ufgood at your service.
psychopath: what?
Willow: sorry, i thought you were Val Kilmer.
Rollins: yeah i think i ran into him on the street but i didn't have a description yet, i offered to come knock on his door.
Amaro: the fuck you talkin' bout, blondie?
Rollins: i thought he was Jack Tripper. at any rate the lure still worked, he thought i was hot and is gonna meet me along with his wife at his home soon.

* psychopath's wife: i thought he took all that time away from me cos he hated me.
Amaro: no, that's a horrible reason he gave you, but it's worse than that. you should consider yourself lucky that he didn't want to spend any time with you.

* psychopath: i want to represent myself, Your Honor.
judge: okay, dude, easy, nice and easy, whatever you want, whatever you want to do, you control the show, just don't kill any more people.
psychopath's lawyer: do i still have to be here?
judge: you're right, counselor, you're hot, for your own safety i'm ordering you to get the hell out of here right now!

* Jason Beghe: he's not clever, he's scum.
Liv: what?
Jason Beghe: GRUMBLE GRUMBLE
Liv: Zelda? Noah's been teaching me, that's the reference, right?
Jason Beghe: GRUMBLE GRUMBLE

* psychopath: oh shit, how did you get here?
Jason Beghe: GRUMBLE GRUMBLE
psychopath: what?
Jason Beghe: i mean i'm everywhere, i'm a ghost, the next time you pee think of me because i'm gonna be right there next to you, right by your shoulder, crowding your personal space, not letting you breathe as i watch you pee.

* i know what the psychopath did was torture, but THIS EPISODE was torture to watch. next week's two returning stars can't come soon enough.

SNL Taraji P. Henson / Mumford & Sons Episode Discussion

learned:

* Hillary Clinton will be our first Queen.

* monologue of song: i want to make it, i wonder what that feels like. it's like you have a personal assistant who does all your shopping for you, gets you your gold Apple Watch and writes all of your blog posts. and he has another blog that he uses to rip you a new one everyday and spill all your secrets. he doesn't tell you what the url for that blog is.

* Sesame Street: Taraji P. Jim Henson yes relation: Snuffy's packin' but Big Bird doesn't do too bad for himself in that department, he is BIG Bird after all. Cookie Monster wants Cookie's cookie. if they get a felt puppet Anaconda, that's when you know the skit has gone on too long.

* Mumford & Sons: okay but the question on everyone's lips is: who's the mother? Maury? SNL scared me with that first title card of the band that had eight or ten people on it, but it was the four members and they just doubled and tripled the picture. photoshop is scary, i thought there were many more Sons nobody knew about. i want to know if the band is breeding, i want notifications on my gold Apple Watch.

* A League of Their Own: there's no crying in baseball, but there's revenge...

* Teacher Trial: the whole time i was all to Cecily, "notice me, senpai."

* QVC: Molly Shannon should get her leg kicks insured.

* Power Rangers is a Voltron ripoff whereas Connectatron is more a loving tribute to Tron, Connect Four, and Empire.

* shortest ever? yes. i'm Spiethless.

Law & Order SVU "Granting Immunity" Episode Discussion

learned:

* if this show were as good as its episode titles, this would be another Seinfeld for NBC.

* Amaro: that's what a rainbow party is? back in my day, a rainbow party meant a couple of fellas over for a sleepover and Trix cereal. i also walked five miles a day in the snow to get to school but it was a little easier cos i always had my Air Jordans nice and pumped up.

* student: i ain't giving you my passwords! i don't want the cops reading my blog!
Fin: why? afraid we'll read it?
student: please do, my blog only gets 1 hit a day and that's from me checking daily to see how many hits my blog got that day, it's embarrassing.

* anti-vaxxer milf: remember Principal, i know where you live.
Liv: wow, threat much? what's that all about?
Principal: oh, we're seeing each other. i mean look at her.
Liv: you don't see the conflict of interest here?
Principal: all i see are three hot milfs.
Liv: wait, three? oh. not this again. goodbye.

* infected girl: that boy is a loser, we were just having some fun, if only he hadn't broadcast it everywhere we'd be okay *measles are all over her face and nose*

* Rollins: have you been vaccinated, Carisi?
Carisi: yep. the school took one look at my disheveled mook ass and decided not to take any chances.
Rollins: MMR?
Carisi: yep, i like mocha, mint, and raspberry, those are my favorite ice cream flavors.

* Amaro's son: dad, i don't want to go! i don't want to be away from you!
Amaro: don't worry, son, i just have to stay in New York a little bit longer. there's this ridiculously-gorgeous blonde i work with and i'm hoping the writers write a scene for her and me as the last scene in the season finale, a motel-bedroom scene or something, give the fans something to talk about all summer.

* Amaro and Rollins: do you know about this doctor that this anti-vaxxers group all went to?
doctor: went to medical school with him. he jumped out a first-story window in the middle of freshman finals and we never heard from him again. he turned up years later with a small practice where he performed operations on people only using the internet. he accepts all religious-conviction exemptions cos he believes he is God. last name Frankenstein.

SNL Michael Keaton / Carly Rae Jepsen Episode Discussion

learned:

* let's discuss!

* cold open: Bobby should have been Coach K. Carly Rae Jepsen looks more like Coach K than Taran does.

* monologue song: if The Rock is franchise viagra, the original Batman is just viagra. with apologies to Adam West of course who's now, sadly, only known as an insane mayor, not a caped crusader. still want to see a live-action Kevin Conroy Batman movie.

* Smart Home: love you guys but this is just Adult Swim's "Smart Pipe". Adult Swim should have their own Saturday-night show to compete, their stuff is fresher. wait, what am i saying? okay, i got it, put the anime on at a reasonable hour weekday nights, like 8PM. see? win win.

* Scientology: okay, but if it meant a chance to be a better you, wouldn't you go missing?

* some very nice pointed i-got-your-back-Jesus moments: He Is Risen, and all the Jews and unleavened bread can do is look up at the scoreboard.

* Carly Rae Jepsen:

after the first song i say to Carly: i really really really really really really really really really really really really really like you.

after the second song i say to Carly: oh, so you're friendzoning me? okay, that's okay, i still like you.

* CNN graphics: i feel bad for Wolf Blitzer, i really do. he's everyone's favorite uncle just trying to give us the news without bias. cut him some slack but don't you ever shave that beard, Wolf, that would be weird.

* always call your grandparents whenever possible, they're the only ones who will tell you the truth, they're old enough that they don't give a fuck about cliques anymore. your friends won't tell you that the badboy you're dating is bad news, they are all Resident Young Persons who will say anything you want to hear to keep their place at your boyfriend's pot circle.

* Easter cocaine: remember, the most dangerous nut is the one who doesn't think he's a nut.