Law & Order SVU "December Solstice" Episode Discussion

learned:

* i think this is one of those rare episodes of this particular show where i can really be funny in my review without feeling icky afterwards. no pressure.

* critic: remember me? i'm the one critic who consistently wrote in all the papers that all of your books are shit.
author: that can't be right, i'm fucking Marcia Cross.

* Carisi: Boss, these women wanted to speak to someone in authority. i tried speaking with them myself but they weren't havin' it. i don't get it, i went to Fordham.

* the author looks at Rollins hornily.
Rollins (pats herself on the back, literally): still got it.
Carisi: so sir, you are willingly having sex with your wife?
author: of course, look at her!
Carisi: so, like, anal or?
Rollins: Carisi!
Carisi: just making sure, thorough police work.

* Carisi: why did you let his wife pull the plug?
doctor: i didn't.
Carisi: pull out all the plugs, excuse me.
doctor: i mean it's Marcia Cross, y'know? huge Desperate Housewives fangirl here.
Carisi: can't talk about anything non-NBC.

* Amaro: didn't this guy throw one of his many ex-wives through a plate glass window?
Carisi: hey, nobody's perfect. you can hate the man but you must respect his brilliant work.
Amaro: sounds like a Cosby thing.
Carisi: no, this is the Casey Kasem episode, but one of these days we're gonna have to do the Cosby episode straight-up.

* opposing lawyer: i will not lose to you, Barba! i will not lose to a man who leaves the house dressed like that!
Barba: my tacky suits are my business. and...yeah, well...you have poodle hair! and you're ugly!

* medical examiner: electroejaculation...
Amaro: i'm out.
Rollins: like what they do to those poor elephants?
Amaro: i don't want to hear anymore. (covers ears) earmuffs, lalalalalalalala. i hope whoever on this good green Earth is doing this procedure gets rectally probed by aliens.

* Barba's gran: yeah, just send me to prison. nursing homes suck. yeah, you have to go, huh? just go and help someone else.
Barba: thanks for the guilt trip, Abuelita. i'm quitting my job and caring for you full time. all that's important in this life is family, work will never satisfy me. i'll miss the suits but everyone in the familia must make sacrifices.

* everyone in the courtroom gets a video message on their phones.
courtroom in unison: what's this message?
it's an old episode of Seinfeld.
courtoom in unison: ah, remember back in the day when NBC was running on all cylinders? can't ever happen again, landscape's changed and everything.

* daughter: fuck you, dad. my writing isn't horrible.
lucid author: but it will never be at my genius level. women just don't make good writers.
daughter: you said the same thing when i tried out to be a stand-up comic.
author in control of his faculties: i read your adaptation. i thought it was trash. rule number one, don't adapt my work! adapt Shakespeare instead. or come up with your own ideas.
daughter: okay, that was bad. but what did you think of my second work, an original script i'm calling "December Solstice"?

* Barba: madam, you left your dying husband in an airplane, this is proof of guilt of something.
wife: he was totally coherent and lucid, though. he wanted this. why, during the flight he even threw a closed bag of macadamia nuts at the flight attendant.

* Barba: where will you be when you're 85?
Liv: probably dead.
Barba: yeah, me, too.

* author's daughter: here's a rare copy of of one of my father's books. i thought you should have it, you being a big fanboy and all.
Carisi (smiles): thanks.
daughter: that's a cute, weirdly-shaped smile you beamed right there. would you like to go out some time?
Carisi: nah, gotta go home to my lonely apartment and read this book i was just gifted. reading is FUNdamental.