learned:
* the best flower
* this episode was pure fluff, having no bearing on the main storyline, but it was also the most purely entertaining episode of the series thus far.
* wait, i just realized, does this show even have an arc? it's a comedy!
* Firestorm: my excuse is i started a forest fire.
Professor: you're smoking again, Ronald?
* Firestorm: wow. this place is like Disneyland on a Wednesday.
* Prof: all their comm-links are offline.
Ronald: orgy?
* Firestorm: Clark Kent is Superman? maybe if he wore sunglasses i'd have noticed.
* Firestorm: you don't have to wash this window i phased into ever again. baseball and a tractor, what are you, simple?
* Professor: now i know something's wrong.
Firestorm: goofy mug.
Professor: mild-mannered people never announce that they're mild-mannered.
Firestorm: yep yep, only sociopaths do.
* cheapskates still can't afford a Lois voice. i wonder what Arleen Sorkin is doing right now.
* Firestorm: i got this Japanese idol at a con. in Kansas.
* Firestorm: i'm not gay but i need to look at your barrel chest.
Superman: i got a steel plate in there.
Firestorm: you sure do.
Superman: from my heart operation.
* OMG, it's true. revelation. revelation. all this time, all this time, the costumes of all your favorite superheroes were soaked...
* Superman: thanks for the mirror. i see now. i'm a vampire.
* Firestorm: Clark, i'm gonna drop you now. if you live, we're still on Cartoon Network. if you die, we move to HBO.
* Bruce Wayne: and you are?...
Wonder Woman: not interested.
Bruce Wayne: but i have money.
Wonder Woman: Superman's cuter.
Bruce Wayne: we look exactly the same!
* Superman: this is a phone? i can use this instead of a typewriter?
* Superman: i'll prove it to you. watch me Wile E. Coyote this water.
* Firestorm: hold on, let me blast you with my lasers.
Trinity: you're gonna kill us?
Superman: either my penis is small or i'm just big.
Wonder Woman: who designed my costume? a perv?
Batman: capes have always been hazards. if i trip i'm calling my lawyer.
Firestorm: who's your lawyer?
Batman: aren't i a lawyer?
* Batman: i am Batman.
Firestorm: rasp lower with your voice.
Batman: kid, i'm Kevin Fucking Conroy. you played a fat kid on Nickelodeon.
* reporter: he shoulda went to Jared.
* Felix Faust: how do i not fall off this scooter? its a good thing my muumuu doesn't have a cape.
* Felix Faust: tuna?
stone golem: marbled rye.
Felix: nice one.
stone golem: AND HIS NAME IS.................................STONE COLD.......
Felix: close enough.
* Felix: if anyone asks, i'm the Burger King. without sponsorship there's no hope for Season 2.
stone golem: stop spitting on me.
* Felix: the finest Tibetan robes in all the lettuce...
* Firestorm: are you thirsty? cos i got the punch! i got that from Nickelodeon.
* Batman: i don't actually do anything. yet i'm wildly popular. i'm Seinfeld.
* Batman: i've always wanted a boomerang. aw, it didn't come back.
* Felix: sandwiches are no laughing matter. millions starve to death. food is more valuable than gold. seriously.
* Firestorm: sands of Set?
Felix: i play a lot of video games.
* Felix: oh, i get it, you are of two minds.
Prof: one sane mind.
Ronald: yeah but you have no body. how are you able to talk with no heart blood?
* Wonder Woman: what's wrong, Batman?
Batman: looking for my keys.
* Wonder Woman: i can throw cars. but i'm keeping this Porsche.
* Professor: i'm a vampire?
Firestorm: we're all vampires in this cruel, dog-eat-dog world.
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Monday, September 25, 2017
Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "Squat"
learned:
* i hate having to do the second one first. is your xfinity box like that, too?
* we all have eyebrow mites.
* she isn't real. there are no women on the internet.
* Forrest: the plastic bag says HAVE A NICE DAY. irony.
* Forrest literally eats salad the way i do. with those embarrassing slivers of plastic cups of sauce.
* and the plastic spork everyone tosses in the trash cos it's too light to hold anything
* hot female jogger in spandex: didn't anyone ever tell you to eat with your mouth closed?
Forrest: everyone has mothers but not everyone has a mother. so that's why i can't get a date.
* Forrest: i do IT at the business park of serviced offices over there.
woman: Tinder tip: no woman cares about what a stranger does.
* woman: see ya.
Forrest: you're not gonna see me ever again.
woman: actually i am.
* Tim: hi. tonight's episode brings up a real serious issue facing our society today. i still feel bad that i got rid of that hatemonger Sam Hyde. well there's a microscopic twinge of guilt in me anyway. i'm glad Cartoon Network is rid of that filth but i still am for free artistic expression. so therefore i wrote this bitchy woman character for you guys to hate. have at it, you lame weakwilled impotent MDEers.
* Forrest: i was gonna check out your gym anyway, you don't have to be rude. i was thinking of bettering myself just now.
* computer: you're 70 pounds overweight.
Forrest: how do you know this isn't my ideal natural weight?
computer: the world runs on money, not compassion.
Forrest: it's hard to go without. the food makes up for all that i go without. like love and stuff.
* Forrest: credit cards are scams, huh?
computer: of course. pretty easy one. didn't your mother ever tell you you were more than a number, you were a flesh-and-blood person?
* computer: you have your choice of trainer. but you must choose Eric.
* Forrest: i need someone to remove this fatsuit from my belly.
* Trent: this is like those Peloton commercials but with less snooty glass mansions, feel me, brah?
Forrest: what's the tube for?
Trent: glass microphone. sing into it. with your penis. welcome to the revamped American Idol!
* Trent: low-quality ham...
Forrest: i had a pierogi.
* Trent: it's called trick squat for a reason.
Forrest: can Dude Perfect come in here and do this?
Trent: no that's typosquatting. that's how adult swim survives with no business model.
* Forrest: THE SPIKE!
Trent: you knew PEDs would be involved, we told you upfront.
Forrest: you tortured me in there!
Trent: sure, yes, but at least you had sex of a sort.
* Pierogi Jones: mozzarella is Italian for lice.
* Forrest: what do you serve here?
Pierogi Jones: Italian lice.
Forrest: i love Italian ice.
* black guy: what proof do you have that you're really alive?
Forrest: i would never choose to do this.
* Forrest: so emotions are just glitches in the system? then i better yell more and not be so mild-mannered so they hear me.
* the Hamiltonization of all art
* woman: your breath is very real.
Forrest: that's a compliment in this virtual world.
* i hate having to do the second one first. is your xfinity box like that, too?
* we all have eyebrow mites.
* she isn't real. there are no women on the internet.
* Forrest: the plastic bag says HAVE A NICE DAY. irony.
* Forrest literally eats salad the way i do. with those embarrassing slivers of plastic cups of sauce.
* and the plastic spork everyone tosses in the trash cos it's too light to hold anything
* hot female jogger in spandex: didn't anyone ever tell you to eat with your mouth closed?
Forrest: everyone has mothers but not everyone has a mother. so that's why i can't get a date.
* Forrest: i do IT at the business park of serviced offices over there.
woman: Tinder tip: no woman cares about what a stranger does.
* woman: see ya.
Forrest: you're not gonna see me ever again.
woman: actually i am.
* Tim: hi. tonight's episode brings up a real serious issue facing our society today. i still feel bad that i got rid of that hatemonger Sam Hyde. well there's a microscopic twinge of guilt in me anyway. i'm glad Cartoon Network is rid of that filth but i still am for free artistic expression. so therefore i wrote this bitchy woman character for you guys to hate. have at it, you lame weakwilled impotent MDEers.
* Forrest: i was gonna check out your gym anyway, you don't have to be rude. i was thinking of bettering myself just now.
* computer: you're 70 pounds overweight.
Forrest: how do you know this isn't my ideal natural weight?
computer: the world runs on money, not compassion.
Forrest: it's hard to go without. the food makes up for all that i go without. like love and stuff.
* Forrest: credit cards are scams, huh?
computer: of course. pretty easy one. didn't your mother ever tell you you were more than a number, you were a flesh-and-blood person?
* computer: you have your choice of trainer. but you must choose Eric.
* Forrest: i need someone to remove this fatsuit from my belly.
* Trent: this is like those Peloton commercials but with less snooty glass mansions, feel me, brah?
Forrest: what's the tube for?
Trent: glass microphone. sing into it. with your penis. welcome to the revamped American Idol!
* Trent: low-quality ham...
Forrest: i had a pierogi.
* Trent: it's called trick squat for a reason.
Forrest: can Dude Perfect come in here and do this?
Trent: no that's typosquatting. that's how adult swim survives with no business model.
* Forrest: THE SPIKE!
Trent: you knew PEDs would be involved, we told you upfront.
Forrest: you tortured me in there!
Trent: sure, yes, but at least you had sex of a sort.
* Pierogi Jones: mozzarella is Italian for lice.
* Forrest: what do you serve here?
Pierogi Jones: Italian lice.
Forrest: i love Italian ice.
* black guy: what proof do you have that you're really alive?
Forrest: i would never choose to do this.
* Forrest: so emotions are just glitches in the system? then i better yell more and not be so mild-mannered so they hear me.
* the Hamiltonization of all art
* woman: your breath is very real.
Forrest: that's a compliment in this virtual world.
Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "The Demotion"
learned:
* money problems. pray for us.
* Will Forte can't play calm, even if he tries to.
* suggestive clouds
* Will: i'm a mass murderer.
Dan: don't worry, those weren't real planes. CG. but the lives you took were real.
Will: why do you keep me around, boss?
Dan: only because i am able to resurrect those lives.
* Dan: you need a sleep therapist.
Will: WHAT THE FUCK
Dan: that's a strange overreaction.
Will: that's all i know how to act.
Dan: get some Zs.
Will: i hate pizza.
* Will: *on the toilet* *doorbell rings* shit. i'm shitting.
* Will: i'm coming.
Jason: you will be.
* Jason: hi i'm Jason. i'm a Swede and thus disarming. you will do whatever i say.
Will: your soothing voice is what hypnotizes. clever.
* Will: don't shake my hand, i got shit on it.
Jason: we all do, my friend. doo on our hands. we are human. Ikea means poo in Swedish.
* Will: is it gonna make that black noise all night?
Jason: hoboy. you've got a lot of problems, my brother.
* Dana: are you okay? are you getting enough sleep?
Will: what are you, my mother!? just get me that glass sugar dispenser for me to drink, bitch!
Dana: no, we're done with the MDE apologists. just stick to the regular script.
Will: oh. sorry. can i say cropduster or is that a dog-whistle for vagina?
Dana: just to make super sure better not say cropduster.
* Jason: let me ask you, Willy, do you have any sexual frustrations?
Will: i'm on adult swim what do you think? masturbation is annoying for me.
Jason: any illegal office romances?
Will: Dana. she's cute. but she's out of my league.
Jason: don't sell yourself short, my friend.
Will: but she's Jack Bauer's daughter.
* Jason: if you were choking on food, would you refuse the Heimlich?
Will: but in this case you're offering to do the choking.
* Will: Tim, timeout, Tim. this is Will. not Will from the script, the real Will Forte the living, breathing actor. hi. remember we rehearsed this? we said you wouldn't actually make me cum...
* Will: where'd you get the mask?
Jason: mask?
* Will: 5-Hour Energy is our sponsor?
Dana: i thought it was It. these episodes should have aired in the Halloween month.
* Dana: maybe you should find another expensive therapist?
Will: like who? Eric?
Dana: i hear he's insane. but he's free.
* Will: what are you? right-wing nutjob? furry?
Eric: nuzzle that trash, boy.
Will: you hate doing your chores?
* Dana: i got a thing for the pirate look. most girls don't but i do.
* Will: so no more big boys with my one eye?
Dan: find another way to ask me that.
* Dana: would you mind slipping into this pegleg before we make love?
Will: i already have a silver tooth, what more do you want, woman?
* money problems. pray for us.
* Will Forte can't play calm, even if he tries to.
* suggestive clouds
* Will: i'm a mass murderer.
Dan: don't worry, those weren't real planes. CG. but the lives you took were real.
Will: why do you keep me around, boss?
Dan: only because i am able to resurrect those lives.
* Dan: you need a sleep therapist.
Will: WHAT THE FUCK
Dan: that's a strange overreaction.
Will: that's all i know how to act.
Dan: get some Zs.
Will: i hate pizza.
* Will: *on the toilet* *doorbell rings* shit. i'm shitting.
* Will: i'm coming.
Jason: you will be.
* Jason: hi i'm Jason. i'm a Swede and thus disarming. you will do whatever i say.
Will: your soothing voice is what hypnotizes. clever.
* Will: don't shake my hand, i got shit on it.
Jason: we all do, my friend. doo on our hands. we are human. Ikea means poo in Swedish.
* Will: is it gonna make that black noise all night?
Jason: hoboy. you've got a lot of problems, my brother.
* Dana: are you okay? are you getting enough sleep?
Will: what are you, my mother!? just get me that glass sugar dispenser for me to drink, bitch!
Dana: no, we're done with the MDE apologists. just stick to the regular script.
Will: oh. sorry. can i say cropduster or is that a dog-whistle for vagina?
Dana: just to make super sure better not say cropduster.
* Jason: let me ask you, Willy, do you have any sexual frustrations?
Will: i'm on adult swim what do you think? masturbation is annoying for me.
Jason: any illegal office romances?
Will: Dana. she's cute. but she's out of my league.
Jason: don't sell yourself short, my friend.
Will: but she's Jack Bauer's daughter.
* Jason: if you were choking on food, would you refuse the Heimlich?
Will: but in this case you're offering to do the choking.
* Will: Tim, timeout, Tim. this is Will. not Will from the script, the real Will Forte the living, breathing actor. hi. remember we rehearsed this? we said you wouldn't actually make me cum...
* Will: where'd you get the mask?
Jason: mask?
* Will: 5-Hour Energy is our sponsor?
Dana: i thought it was It. these episodes should have aired in the Halloween month.
* Dana: maybe you should find another expensive therapist?
Will: like who? Eric?
Dana: i hear he's insane. but he's free.
* Will: what are you? right-wing nutjob? furry?
Eric: nuzzle that trash, boy.
Will: you hate doing your chores?
* Dana: i got a thing for the pirate look. most girls don't but i do.
* Will: so no more big boys with my one eye?
Dan: find another way to ask me that.
* Dana: would you mind slipping into this pegleg before we make love?
Will: i already have a silver tooth, what more do you want, woman?
Saturday, September 23, 2017
Power Rangers Ninja Steel "The Royal Rumble"
learned:
* Monty: um, Green Ranger, sorry i mean Princess Viera, what's your name?
Ruby Love: Ruby Love.
Monty: Ruby Love? so the porn rumors are correct.
* previously on Power Rangers.....make sure those suits get steam-cleaned, we don't know where they've been......
* Drillion: can i hit a woman on a kid's show?
Madame Odius: i'm not a woman, i'm a babe. you're thinking of that other show filmed here.
* Madame Odius: i'll help you destroy the Rangers quicker!
Drillion: how do i know i can trust you?
Madame Odius: think of me not as a woman but as your dealer.
* Monty: is this episode the performance-enhancing-drugs lesson?
Victor: no this is just some silly gem which makes stones weightless. think about our jobs, Monty.
Monty: what do you mean?
Victor: we do this. we wake up each morning and we perform these stupid characters. this is what we do.
* Mick: i'm a serious Shakespearean actor. i do not belong on this set for multiple reasons.
* Viera: sex slaves?
Mick: no, but slaves are slaves.
Viera: when did this show get dark?
Chip Lynn: i couldn't take it anymore.
* Victor: can i use the anti-grav crystal to lift up Sarah's skirt?
Monty: women don't wear skirts anymore. Sarah wears skateboard pants.
Victor: drat! that's the price of progress for ya.
* Mick: hey who's been sniffing up all my secret stash?
* Redbot: do you still think of me?
Hayley: no.
Redbot: i'm the real Calvin. your Calvin is a robot.
* Victor: my Monty, my Monty, my kingdom for a Monty!
Monty: married couples do the wheelbarrow race. jus sayin'
* Victor: did you get a flyer?
Sarah: no.
Victor: you're lucky this is a kid's show. all i want to do is impress you, Sarah. what can i do?
Sarah: beat me in a hoverboard race.
Victor: that's a future episode, gotta be.
* Mick: and this is how you make my mama's famous old-fashioned red sauce. my mom drowned in lava on the Lion Galaxy, that's what i was told as a kid, so that's what the red sauce commemorates.
* Dude Perfect is on Nickelodeon. Dude Perfect was the last family-friendly thing on youtube...
* Ruby Love: when that star came out and branded me i got bad flashbacks...
* Princess Viera: so i'm a ninja now?
Mick: previous season, we did that already. can you teach me how to cum?
* Rangers: *singing* I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain never break the chain...
* Rangers: that was an extra-explodey explosion. should we get Michael Bay to direct the next movie?
Drillion: sure. the franchise is already a flop.
* Viera: you've got a strong arm.
Mick: pitched minor-leagues for the Yankees.
Viera: a lot of Australian athletes play professional and college American sports for some reason.
Mick: New Zealand.
Viera: same thing.
Mick: it's the only way to leave the island. i was the only Australian actor in history to ever flunk my Neighbours audition.
* Sarah: i'm worried about you, Brody, you have too much power!
Brody: i feel the Voltron electricity flowing within me! I AM THE REINCARNATION OF SVEN!!!
Sarah: not cool, dude. don't play with people's emotions like that. when do we get together?
Brody: Chip said it's gonna be a Super ship.
* Viera: Mick i have a surprise for you. a video link to your folks.
Mick: you had this the whole time and you were holding out on me, bitch? i should pimpslap your ass...
Sarah and Hayley hold Mick back.
Mick: sorry, some of my Shakepeare leaked out.
* Mick: these are my real parents.
mom and dad: of course we are. how do you think you got the part?
Mick: there are flying cars where you are? we don't have flying cars.
* mom and dad: are you coming home?
Mick: of course i'm coming home! fuck the Power Rangers!
* mom: oh Micklepoo...
Mick: way to ruin it as always, ma! wait, is that a space shuttle i see zooming past in the background? we don't have space exploration anymore, NASA went bankrupt to build a wall.
* Mick: can i give you a hug?
Ruby Love: no touching of the talent.
Mick: this L sign is Lion Galaxy, not loser.
* Mick: will Victor break the weightlifting record? we shall all soon clap and see!
Principal: get back to work, janitor, this isn't for you.
* Victor coughs on the white powder he claps.
* student: hi, i'm the black girl on the show.
* Monty: um, Green Ranger, sorry i mean Princess Viera, what's your name?
Ruby Love: Ruby Love.
Monty: Ruby Love? so the porn rumors are correct.
* previously on Power Rangers.....make sure those suits get steam-cleaned, we don't know where they've been......
* Drillion: can i hit a woman on a kid's show?
Madame Odius: i'm not a woman, i'm a babe. you're thinking of that other show filmed here.
* Madame Odius: i'll help you destroy the Rangers quicker!
Drillion: how do i know i can trust you?
Madame Odius: think of me not as a woman but as your dealer.
* Monty: is this episode the performance-enhancing-drugs lesson?
Victor: no this is just some silly gem which makes stones weightless. think about our jobs, Monty.
Monty: what do you mean?
Victor: we do this. we wake up each morning and we perform these stupid characters. this is what we do.
* Mick: i'm a serious Shakespearean actor. i do not belong on this set for multiple reasons.
* Viera: sex slaves?
Mick: no, but slaves are slaves.
Viera: when did this show get dark?
Chip Lynn: i couldn't take it anymore.
* Victor: can i use the anti-grav crystal to lift up Sarah's skirt?
Monty: women don't wear skirts anymore. Sarah wears skateboard pants.
Victor: drat! that's the price of progress for ya.
* Mick: hey who's been sniffing up all my secret stash?
* Redbot: do you still think of me?
Hayley: no.
Redbot: i'm the real Calvin. your Calvin is a robot.
* Victor: my Monty, my Monty, my kingdom for a Monty!
Monty: married couples do the wheelbarrow race. jus sayin'
* Victor: did you get a flyer?
Sarah: no.
Victor: you're lucky this is a kid's show. all i want to do is impress you, Sarah. what can i do?
Sarah: beat me in a hoverboard race.
Victor: that's a future episode, gotta be.
* Mick: and this is how you make my mama's famous old-fashioned red sauce. my mom drowned in lava on the Lion Galaxy, that's what i was told as a kid, so that's what the red sauce commemorates.
* Dude Perfect is on Nickelodeon. Dude Perfect was the last family-friendly thing on youtube...
* Ruby Love: when that star came out and branded me i got bad flashbacks...
* Princess Viera: so i'm a ninja now?
Mick: previous season, we did that already. can you teach me how to cum?
* Rangers: *singing* I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain never break the chain...
* Rangers: that was an extra-explodey explosion. should we get Michael Bay to direct the next movie?
Drillion: sure. the franchise is already a flop.
* Viera: you've got a strong arm.
Mick: pitched minor-leagues for the Yankees.
Viera: a lot of Australian athletes play professional and college American sports for some reason.
Mick: New Zealand.
Viera: same thing.
Mick: it's the only way to leave the island. i was the only Australian actor in history to ever flunk my Neighbours audition.
* Sarah: i'm worried about you, Brody, you have too much power!
Brody: i feel the Voltron electricity flowing within me! I AM THE REINCARNATION OF SVEN!!!
Sarah: not cool, dude. don't play with people's emotions like that. when do we get together?
Brody: Chip said it's gonna be a Super ship.
* Viera: Mick i have a surprise for you. a video link to your folks.
Mick: you had this the whole time and you were holding out on me, bitch? i should pimpslap your ass...
Sarah and Hayley hold Mick back.
Mick: sorry, some of my Shakepeare leaked out.
* Mick: these are my real parents.
mom and dad: of course we are. how do you think you got the part?
Mick: there are flying cars where you are? we don't have flying cars.
* mom and dad: are you coming home?
Mick: of course i'm coming home! fuck the Power Rangers!
* mom: oh Micklepoo...
Mick: way to ruin it as always, ma! wait, is that a space shuttle i see zooming past in the background? we don't have space exploration anymore, NASA went bankrupt to build a wall.
* Mick: can i give you a hug?
Ruby Love: no touching of the talent.
Mick: this L sign is Lion Galaxy, not loser.
* Mick: will Victor break the weightlifting record? we shall all soon clap and see!
Principal: get back to work, janitor, this isn't for you.
* Victor coughs on the white powder he claps.
* student: hi, i'm the black girl on the show.
Justice League Action "The Ringer"
learned:
* Sinestro: prudence has never been your strong suit.
Green Lantern: who likes prunes?
* Wonder Woman: Justice One here. why didn't we take my invisible jet?
Superman: it looks weird driving around in that thing.
* Sinestro: what you got, Jordan bum?
Green Lantern: abs so good you could wash your clothes on them.
Wonder Woman: that's true. they are. i've washed my star panties on them.
* Wonder Woman: Voltron Force! because i'm a woman i have to cross my arms like this or i won't be taken seriously.
* Wonder Woman: is this the gas pedal? nice mace, Sinestro, do you keep yours in your purse, too?
* Atom: here's your drugs, GL...
Green Lantern: ...
Atom: why doesn't Sinestro need a lamp?
Green Lantern: he freebases.
* Atom: just let me get inside him.
Green Lantern: that sounds not quite right.
* Atom: my safe place. *attaches pin*
* Wonder Woman points at Atom's tighty whities and laughs.
Atom: i'm not small like that! i just took a meteor shower!
* Atom: damn you, Sinestro, taking advantage of my love for Paranoia Agent like that.
* Atom: this memory hurts more. my own dog didn't recognize me.
* Sinestro: you had a treehouse? if i had a treehouse as a kid i wouldn't have turned evil.
* Atom: Old Man Frank Miller...
Puddles the dog: Frank Miller is old...
Atom: you can talk, Puddles?
Puddles: i can sing, too. *sings "Rocket Man"*
Atom: that's a silo.
* Atom: here, boy, catch!
Sinestro: never played catch as a kid...
* Green Lantern: what's going on, bud?
Atom: i've never gone this small. sub sub sub-atomic. it looks like those drugs you're so fond of.
Green Lantern: relax, man, it's just a trip. you need to calm yourself. you know yoga?
Atom: only the smell of yoga pants.
* GL: that's Despotellis! that's sick!
Atom: you just made that up right now. or you looked it up.
GL: you're sick!
Atom: i know, i have this despot virus in me.
* Atom: he's squishing me like a bug!
GL: why didn't you Gigantify?
* Sinestro: i will now use my secret weapon:...............EASTERN RELIGION!
* Atom: you need to lay down for a bit?
Despotellis: it's lie.
Atom: liar!
* Atom: feels like i got hit by a train. i need a Trane to lay down.
Wonder Woman: i know some girls.
Atom: Trane mattress. i'm married. i think.
* Atom: it was nightmarish in there. my worst fear came true. there was this excellent Green Lantern cartoon i used to watch every Saturday morn that was cancelled by Cartoon Network.
GL: why do you think i burn?
* Atom: mind shooting me some oxygen in space?
GL: i only breathe pot smoke. we're in space?
* GL: looks like a shroom.
Wonder Woman: looks like the crabs i got last week.
Superman looks away.
* Sinestro: prudence has never been your strong suit.
Green Lantern: who likes prunes?
* Wonder Woman: Justice One here. why didn't we take my invisible jet?
Superman: it looks weird driving around in that thing.
* Sinestro: what you got, Jordan bum?
Green Lantern: abs so good you could wash your clothes on them.
Wonder Woman: that's true. they are. i've washed my star panties on them.
* Wonder Woman: Voltron Force! because i'm a woman i have to cross my arms like this or i won't be taken seriously.
* Wonder Woman: is this the gas pedal? nice mace, Sinestro, do you keep yours in your purse, too?
* Atom: here's your drugs, GL...
Green Lantern: ...
Atom: why doesn't Sinestro need a lamp?
Green Lantern: he freebases.
* Atom: just let me get inside him.
Green Lantern: that sounds not quite right.
* Atom: my safe place. *attaches pin*
* Wonder Woman points at Atom's tighty whities and laughs.
Atom: i'm not small like that! i just took a meteor shower!
* Atom: damn you, Sinestro, taking advantage of my love for Paranoia Agent like that.
* Atom: this memory hurts more. my own dog didn't recognize me.
* Sinestro: you had a treehouse? if i had a treehouse as a kid i wouldn't have turned evil.
* Atom: Old Man Frank Miller...
Puddles the dog: Frank Miller is old...
Atom: you can talk, Puddles?
Puddles: i can sing, too. *sings "Rocket Man"*
Atom: that's a silo.
* Atom: here, boy, catch!
Sinestro: never played catch as a kid...
* Green Lantern: what's going on, bud?
Atom: i've never gone this small. sub sub sub-atomic. it looks like those drugs you're so fond of.
Green Lantern: relax, man, it's just a trip. you need to calm yourself. you know yoga?
Atom: only the smell of yoga pants.
* GL: that's Despotellis! that's sick!
Atom: you just made that up right now. or you looked it up.
GL: you're sick!
Atom: i know, i have this despot virus in me.
* Atom: he's squishing me like a bug!
GL: why didn't you Gigantify?
* Sinestro: i will now use my secret weapon:...............EASTERN RELIGION!
* Atom: you need to lay down for a bit?
Despotellis: it's lie.
Atom: liar!
* Atom: feels like i got hit by a train. i need a Trane to lay down.
Wonder Woman: i know some girls.
Atom: Trane mattress. i'm married. i think.
* Atom: it was nightmarish in there. my worst fear came true. there was this excellent Green Lantern cartoon i used to watch every Saturday morn that was cancelled by Cartoon Network.
GL: why do you think i burn?
* Atom: mind shooting me some oxygen in space?
GL: i only breathe pot smoke. we're in space?
* GL: looks like a shroom.
Wonder Woman: looks like the crabs i got last week.
Superman looks away.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "Angel Man"
learned:
* can you believe it's been 3 years?
* he's not gonna jump, that would be too easy.
* when i said i was going to a place with four walls and men in white robes, i didn't mean the monastery.
* screams of joy
* Dr. Quan: there is no hope for you.
Dimmler: Dr. Con? you just want to keep me walled-up in here. my misery pays your bills.
Dr. Quan: hey i didn't vote for Trumpcare.
* but that would be DIME-ler
* Dr. Quan: this is the choice all men must make: would you rather keep your troubled emotions or become an emotionless, humanless blank-eyed shell?
Eric: i just want to keep my odd sense of humor.
* the thing is, these kinds of lifetime state-run institutions which perform lobotomies don't actually exist anymore.
* Isaiah: you ain't a bad person, Mr. Dimmler, you just got a one-track mind. like me for Nurse Ratched.
Dimmler: i'm just a man. this is The Handmanservant's Tale.
Isaiah: don't ask me, i'm just the butler. you ain't a bad person, just got bad brains. and i'm not saying that cos they're the only black metal band.
* Dimmler: is this running water supposed to calm me or make me go pee?
* Dimmler: whatcha got in the brown bag, black man?
Isaiah: it ain't a 40 or McDonald's. go see your boy for the last time. all this Scotty business is bullshit.
Dimmler: scotch-tape my brains together after they scoop them, woulda Isaiah?
Isaiah: i don't frequent these type of clubs. my cousin got me this mini-flyer.
* Isaiah: in this bag is a change of clothes, a hunting knife, and a getaway car. you stick Tough Tommy the night guard's fat tummy like this, pfft!
Dimmler: Tough Tommy is Nurse Ratched's husband isn't he?
Isaiah: YEAH, SO!!! no, he's my night-guard for my teeth when i sleep.
* Jack: a little intro lights and...
Scotty: fine, Mr. Nicholson. but i got new songs...
Jack: nobody goes to the Smashing Squashes to hear "Being Beige".
* Jack: it was supposed to be Dog's Cabaret. the painter was nervous. everyone has frayed nerves these days. wanna diaper?
Dimmler: and i'm supposed to be the crazy one.
Jack: spray bottle?
Dimmler: what kind of show is this?
Jack: a dog-and-pony one.
* Scotty: remember, the music doesn't matter. just my affect.
patron: sing the low notes!
Dimmler: sing the high notes!
Jack: sing at all!
* Scotty: my low notes cause you to loosen your bowels to such an extent that you will never go poo again. fiber is a government scam!
* Dimmler: gotta keep my boy dry. only spray him if that's hair spray.
* hippie patron: make me brown, baby!
Dimmler: damn hippies.
* Dimmler: that's a coincidence that you happen to be here. are you a patron here?
Isaiah: you have a destiny, Mr. Dimmler.
Dimmler: are you that black guy from Lost? just give me the lobot.
Isaiah: that ridiculous Star Wars villain with the metal Leia buns?
* Scotty: thank you for choosing the Champagne Room love is a government lie how may i help you?
Dimmler: it's the Red Room.
Scotty: i thought they put you away.
Dimmler: they can't take away my dreams!........................y'know i just realized this would make for a dynamite modern noir. us meeting at a smoky red-lit strip club and i don't want you seeing other men so i scoop you away from here and try to buy your permanent love.
Scotty: yeah.
* Scotty: my new experimental stuff?
Dimmler: i go to Radiohead concerts hoping to hear "A Wolf at the Door".
* Dimmler: i'll hit you three times with my high beams.
Scotty: where are your tits? you have no tits.
* Dimmler: some are obsessed with illegal hockey gambling rings, some join Al Qaeda, no biggie.
Scotty: Al Qaeda?
Dimmler: i'm a late bloomer.
Scotty: wanna go back to my place?
Dimmler: i can't enter any room or i start to feel locked-up again.
* Dimmler: girlfriend? that's the most disturbing part.
Scotty: like my new sound, Mr. Dimmler?
Dimmler: this is fruitless. even i wouldn't go to a Radiohead concert hoping to hear "Burn the Witch".
* Dimmler: *driving* your new music sucks, Scotty!..........sorry, i know this is serious, but i cracked myself up there.
* Scotty: do it.
Isaiah: do it.
Dimmler: but if i jump there won't be an "Angel Grandpa".
Isaiah: yeah don't do it. Tim's a millionaire but personally i need there to be a third.
* the banality of suicide...
* can you believe it's been 3 years?
* he's not gonna jump, that would be too easy.
* when i said i was going to a place with four walls and men in white robes, i didn't mean the monastery.
* screams of joy
* Dr. Quan: there is no hope for you.
Dimmler: Dr. Con? you just want to keep me walled-up in here. my misery pays your bills.
Dr. Quan: hey i didn't vote for Trumpcare.
* but that would be DIME-ler
* Dr. Quan: this is the choice all men must make: would you rather keep your troubled emotions or become an emotionless, humanless blank-eyed shell?
Eric: i just want to keep my odd sense of humor.
* the thing is, these kinds of lifetime state-run institutions which perform lobotomies don't actually exist anymore.
* Isaiah: you ain't a bad person, Mr. Dimmler, you just got a one-track mind. like me for Nurse Ratched.
Dimmler: i'm just a man. this is The Handmanservant's Tale.
Isaiah: don't ask me, i'm just the butler. you ain't a bad person, just got bad brains. and i'm not saying that cos they're the only black metal band.
* Dimmler: is this running water supposed to calm me or make me go pee?
* Dimmler: whatcha got in the brown bag, black man?
Isaiah: it ain't a 40 or McDonald's. go see your boy for the last time. all this Scotty business is bullshit.
Dimmler: scotch-tape my brains together after they scoop them, woulda Isaiah?
Isaiah: i don't frequent these type of clubs. my cousin got me this mini-flyer.
* Isaiah: in this bag is a change of clothes, a hunting knife, and a getaway car. you stick Tough Tommy the night guard's fat tummy like this, pfft!
Dimmler: Tough Tommy is Nurse Ratched's husband isn't he?
Isaiah: YEAH, SO!!! no, he's my night-guard for my teeth when i sleep.
* Jack: a little intro lights and...
Scotty: fine, Mr. Nicholson. but i got new songs...
Jack: nobody goes to the Smashing Squashes to hear "Being Beige".
* Jack: it was supposed to be Dog's Cabaret. the painter was nervous. everyone has frayed nerves these days. wanna diaper?
Dimmler: and i'm supposed to be the crazy one.
Jack: spray bottle?
Dimmler: what kind of show is this?
Jack: a dog-and-pony one.
* Scotty: remember, the music doesn't matter. just my affect.
patron: sing the low notes!
Dimmler: sing the high notes!
Jack: sing at all!
* Scotty: my low notes cause you to loosen your bowels to such an extent that you will never go poo again. fiber is a government scam!
* Dimmler: gotta keep my boy dry. only spray him if that's hair spray.
* hippie patron: make me brown, baby!
Dimmler: damn hippies.
* Dimmler: that's a coincidence that you happen to be here. are you a patron here?
Isaiah: you have a destiny, Mr. Dimmler.
Dimmler: are you that black guy from Lost? just give me the lobot.
Isaiah: that ridiculous Star Wars villain with the metal Leia buns?
* Scotty: thank you for choosing the Champagne Room love is a government lie how may i help you?
Dimmler: it's the Red Room.
Scotty: i thought they put you away.
Dimmler: they can't take away my dreams!........................y'know i just realized this would make for a dynamite modern noir. us meeting at a smoky red-lit strip club and i don't want you seeing other men so i scoop you away from here and try to buy your permanent love.
Scotty: yeah.
* Scotty: my new experimental stuff?
Dimmler: i go to Radiohead concerts hoping to hear "A Wolf at the Door".
* Dimmler: i'll hit you three times with my high beams.
Scotty: where are your tits? you have no tits.
* Dimmler: some are obsessed with illegal hockey gambling rings, some join Al Qaeda, no biggie.
Scotty: Al Qaeda?
Dimmler: i'm a late bloomer.
Scotty: wanna go back to my place?
Dimmler: i can't enter any room or i start to feel locked-up again.
* Dimmler: girlfriend? that's the most disturbing part.
Scotty: like my new sound, Mr. Dimmler?
Dimmler: this is fruitless. even i wouldn't go to a Radiohead concert hoping to hear "Burn the Witch".
* Dimmler: *driving* your new music sucks, Scotty!..........sorry, i know this is serious, but i cracked myself up there.
* Scotty: do it.
Isaiah: do it.
Dimmler: but if i jump there won't be an "Angel Grandpa".
Isaiah: yeah don't do it. Tim's a millionaire but personally i need there to be a third.
* the banality of suicide...
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Power Rangers Ninja Steel "The Royal Rival"
learned:
* spoilers: 7th Ranger
* or the royal AR-rival
* Levi: wait that means it's imbalanced. there won't be even couples.
Preston: i always thought you and i, cowboy...
Redbot: i saw him first! when he was a boy! we were locked in the ship boiler-room together.
* Sarah: you can eat any cookie you want. except mine.
* Victor: i never had a mom who got mad at me. i never had a mom. that's why i'm the school bully.
Monty: i'll be your mom, Victor.
Victor: i never had my mom's cookie.
* Victor: give me your lunch, Monty. without the money.
Monty: my mom made it.
Victor: don't rub it in. let's see how you do with fish, broocoli, and liver.
Monty: that's a dead fish.
Victor: that's what your cellmate's gonna call you in prison. we go to prison this episode.
* teacher: and where's YOUR business proposal?
Victor: if i'm good do i get an A?
* Cosmo: the Voltron Lion Galaxy!...sorry...
* monster crowd: is it Princess Diana?
Cosmo: no.
monster crowd: not interested.
* Princess Viera: i thought i would be wearing a flowing dress. you really can't tell what this show is just from reading the script.
* Sarah: carrot and chicken cookie?
girl: pregnant.
* Victor: how does this cow work? do i tickle its butt?
Monty: that's not how you make milk. i'm typing "milk" in the searchbox.
Victor: careful with some of those sites.
Victor gets doused with milk.
Victor: please tell me this is milk.
cop: nope. that's leftover cum from the porn we film on these same sets at night.
* Preston: i'll use my magic to cut the carrots faster.
Mick: lazy foreigner! you're not supposed to use your Ranger powers for evil.
* Drillion: I AM DRILLION!
Sarah: forget it, dude.
* Sarah: oh no! that person's falling. for five minutes.
after the commercial break
Sarah: good thing i had these bad CGI vines up my sleeve.
* whoa. Carmelo's got a shirt with LeBron James. Russell Brand, and Thom Yorke on it.
* Galvanax: look, Drillion, when Princess Foofoo here is done deliberating in a thoughtful measured way and opts for a non-violent response, it's time for a real leader to take command if you catch my drift.
Drillion: i hate politics.
Galvanax: perfect. more Trump, less Clinton.
* Sarah: you hot in street clothes. got that goth thing going on.
Viera: i'm not a lesbian but can i just say.................i mean the ass................your ass is alien.
Sarah: thanks for being my one billionth Instagram follower.
* why the thief have to be brown?...
* Viera: MIGHT IS RIGHT
Sarah: you a Whitehead, too?
Viera: i'm nothing like those racist monsters.
Sarah: no, T.H. White, The Once and Future King
* Billy: i had to drop out of school to feed my kid. my kid sis.
Sarah: here's my cookie cart.
Billy: so i don't have to go back to school?
Sarah: nah, school's a waste of time. just become a Power Ranger and you're set for life.
* Viera: keep fighting as long as you can, i have an idea. i stole the Voltron Torso after Princess Allura dumped me. we had a lot in common.
* Madame Odius: keep a lookout for Princess Viera. she's trying to steal my woman power on the show.
* Drillion: i'm like WAY stronger than anything you've ever faced! i better not be a one-shot! i better come back!
* Viera: there were always hushed rumors about Power Rangers just being a Voltron ripoff. now those rumors are confirmed!
* Viera: you can't destroy the Lion Ship.
Lion Ship crashes and explodes.
* Billy: i even reenrolled in school.
Sarah: why?
teacher: S&P said we had to for a kid's show. if Nickelodeon cancels us, we literally have nowhere else to go. this show is poison. security, get this brown kid off the school grounds!
* Law & Order: Victor & Monty
Victor: well hello Mariska Hargitay, why is your fine ass on this set?
Mariska: Dick Wolf's a dick. this is the only way we can continue with SVU. SVU has been going on for so long everyone hates it now. even me. the show is poison.
* spoilers: 7th Ranger
* or the royal AR-rival
* Levi: wait that means it's imbalanced. there won't be even couples.
Preston: i always thought you and i, cowboy...
Redbot: i saw him first! when he was a boy! we were locked in the ship boiler-room together.
* Sarah: you can eat any cookie you want. except mine.
* Victor: i never had a mom who got mad at me. i never had a mom. that's why i'm the school bully.
Monty: i'll be your mom, Victor.
Victor: i never had my mom's cookie.
* Victor: give me your lunch, Monty. without the money.
Monty: my mom made it.
Victor: don't rub it in. let's see how you do with fish, broocoli, and liver.
Monty: that's a dead fish.
Victor: that's what your cellmate's gonna call you in prison. we go to prison this episode.
* teacher: and where's YOUR business proposal?
Victor: if i'm good do i get an A?
* Cosmo: the Voltron Lion Galaxy!...sorry...
* monster crowd: is it Princess Diana?
Cosmo: no.
monster crowd: not interested.
* Princess Viera: i thought i would be wearing a flowing dress. you really can't tell what this show is just from reading the script.
* Sarah: carrot and chicken cookie?
girl: pregnant.
* Victor: how does this cow work? do i tickle its butt?
Monty: that's not how you make milk. i'm typing "milk" in the searchbox.
Victor: careful with some of those sites.
Victor gets doused with milk.
Victor: please tell me this is milk.
cop: nope. that's leftover cum from the porn we film on these same sets at night.
* Preston: i'll use my magic to cut the carrots faster.
Mick: lazy foreigner! you're not supposed to use your Ranger powers for evil.
* Drillion: I AM DRILLION!
Sarah: forget it, dude.
* Sarah: oh no! that person's falling. for five minutes.
after the commercial break
Sarah: good thing i had these bad CGI vines up my sleeve.
* whoa. Carmelo's got a shirt with LeBron James. Russell Brand, and Thom Yorke on it.
* Galvanax: look, Drillion, when Princess Foofoo here is done deliberating in a thoughtful measured way and opts for a non-violent response, it's time for a real leader to take command if you catch my drift.
Drillion: i hate politics.
Galvanax: perfect. more Trump, less Clinton.
* Sarah: you hot in street clothes. got that goth thing going on.
Viera: i'm not a lesbian but can i just say.................i mean the ass................your ass is alien.
Sarah: thanks for being my one billionth Instagram follower.
* why the thief have to be brown?...
* Viera: MIGHT IS RIGHT
Sarah: you a Whitehead, too?
Viera: i'm nothing like those racist monsters.
Sarah: no, T.H. White, The Once and Future King
* Billy: i had to drop out of school to feed my kid. my kid sis.
Sarah: here's my cookie cart.
Billy: so i don't have to go back to school?
Sarah: nah, school's a waste of time. just become a Power Ranger and you're set for life.
* Viera: keep fighting as long as you can, i have an idea. i stole the Voltron Torso after Princess Allura dumped me. we had a lot in common.
* Madame Odius: keep a lookout for Princess Viera. she's trying to steal my woman power on the show.
* Drillion: i'm like WAY stronger than anything you've ever faced! i better not be a one-shot! i better come back!
* Viera: there were always hushed rumors about Power Rangers just being a Voltron ripoff. now those rumors are confirmed!
* Viera: you can't destroy the Lion Ship.
Lion Ship crashes and explodes.
* Billy: i even reenrolled in school.
Sarah: why?
teacher: S&P said we had to for a kid's show. if Nickelodeon cancels us, we literally have nowhere else to go. this show is poison. security, get this brown kid off the school grounds!
* Law & Order: Victor & Monty
Victor: well hello Mariska Hargitay, why is your fine ass on this set?
Mariska: Dick Wolf's a dick. this is the only way we can continue with SVU. SVU has been going on for so long everyone hates it now. even me. the show is poison.
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