notes:
* why am i only being notified these last three episodes were the Morphic Trilogy THIS MORNING!!?
* yes, from now on, i'm gonna call Dr. Mrs. The Monarch Sheila, too. thanks, AV Club!
* two words: Anna Baldavitch......we know she has a great ass and she's an iron lady, but who is she? what is her face? the mother?
* Vendata: more Data than Lore. unless he's gaslit.
* okay, everyone put down your acid, this episode is a little squirrelly visually. lots of silvery streaks going everywhere
* member? Jackson Publick eating Pepperidge Farm remembers.
* Don Hell, he's like the goth Bowie, right?................apparently Bowie by himself was already goth, why do you think Trent Reznor loved him so much? check out Trent's latest EP, it's basically Bowie.
* so this is all Brock's fault? see? the only muscle which really matters is the scientific muscle. in one's head. the brain, other head. but why was Brock so scared these past episodes? it's like he saw a ghost......i'm thinking girl trouble, it's always girl trouble. two words...
Jackson: you're right, sorry. a little of my Venture Bros fanfic that i do on the side at the site seeped into the actual script. y'know it takes so long that sometimes i can't tell the difference between my fanfic and my real writing.
* gotta love it when you get to see the third episode from the other point of view...
* Vendata: Jonas, this is gonna be the most chidori-electric Naruto-ing of one man's finger up another man's butt in human and machine history. do not prepare your anus.
Jonas Venture: Naruto? what a silly boy. not like my Rusty. i forbid this stupid cartoon channel in my house!
* Don Fitzcarraldo: what? i like butterflies.
* Blue Monarch: but why did you impregnate my wife? you ruined my morality. were those two women on the orange carpet porn stars?
Jonas: *sipping something* it's the '50s so they're referred to as leading ladies. but they are the two most-desired ones this decade.
* Jonas: if it ever gets out that i'm infertile, my career is over. my movie-star good-looks remain but my career in science is over. quick, Blue Morpho! go to the press and say i couldn't spell a kid's word and got in an argument over a kid's potato and mashed the potato with my loafer and made them fries which i ate, or that i'm against the Murphy Brown revival on moral grounds or something. distract with your version of the truth. wear your good stamping boot. this is my final essentialest essentialist command.
* Don: OH GOD! (i believe in a robot god) the horror! i am not a depraved sick twisted sex freak pervert like you. i have morals (which is saying something). you made me take my shorts down in front of you and do the icky cookie Bob Crane-style?
Jonas: that wasn't an icky cookie. it was a miniatured-down version of the gong from The Gong Show. i invented a ray gun that shoots mini rays. kinda like your penis.
* Don: what are you doing to me!? haven't you helped enough?
Jonas: consider yourself a get-out-of-jail-free card, my friend. you're lucky i'm really into Voltron presently. prepare to be a robot the rest of your unnaturally-long life.
* Dr. Z: hi, so i'm the mad scientist who seems to be in the middle of all the commotion on this show. i know, i look like the guy from Minoriteam. i think i was supposed to be a hero in that but ended up looking like the villain. hey, in this day and age i'm not complaining, representation is a thorny issue better left to convenience-store clerks. yes i'm gonna go see that rich Asian movie to add to its till, what of it?
* Jonas: it was you who pulled the plug and killed all those space-station people, buddy.
Don: no, it was you.
Jonas: no, it was you, YOU!!!...............that Magic Man said waving around my fingers crazily like this over your head would work the Jedi voodoo on you.
* all this carnage cos you guys couldn't decide on Cocoon or *batteries not included for Movie Night?
Red Death: i would have preferred The Neverending Story.
Anna: make mine Legend. Tom Cruise or Hardy it matters not. as long as i get to name my firstbourne Gump.
Jonas: it's gonna be Rusty, dear.
* Venturion: I AM VENTURION!!! MY HEAD WAS THE HOUSE THAT FILMATION BUILT!!
* so it's Suicide Squad without the suicide. and Ocean's 11 but no ocean. the ocean of space granted.
* Council of 13: can we be called Council of Baker's Dozen? more cuddly and Meg Ryan-y. we want to continue working after the current administration is over.
* Gary: why we gotta break into VenTech?
Monarch: technically it's not breaking in. Dr. Venture is my distant cousin or something. we're related is what i'm saying. and please don't talk anymore, my bug ears can't take the reverb!
* Monarch: daddy?!! it's been so long! where have you been?
Jonas: i was a head for the longest.
Blue Morpho: son, can i borrow your yellow butterfly suit? mine got ripped to tatters flying through the air.
* New York city cop: sure i like the donuts, but notice i'm not wearing a bushy brown mustache full of bits and glaze shards. progress. get yous out of here, the Power Rangers balloon---which is continually the largest balloon ever tended by man---is ready for its closeup. can never tell if it's a boy or girl.
* Dean: i missed the VMAs for this? drat!
Hank: watch the language, bro. who do you think you are, Teenage Groot?
Dean: the Macy's balloons are giving us the middle finger, blow them some more, Hank, you're the one with the strong lungs in the family.
Hank: nah, they're just giving us the fingerguns. like Cuphead's fingerguns. harmless.
* i noticed. did you notice? at the end, everyone is gathered in groups of 3...
* confused? no idea what's going on? connect the dots? exposition dump? too many threads? always get the pillows with the most thread count, never buy the extended warranty. not knowing what is a dream and what is reality? humans have that problem, too, living their daily lives. it's okay if you don't get everything, take it from me and my experience, it's better when just the author knows what's going on...
* Brock: now you know why i was scared. i'm going back to college.
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Monday, August 20, 2018
Monday, August 13, 2018
The Venture Bros. "The Rorqual Affair"
notes:
* The Rorqual Affair, that must be the most beautiful title ever. yes it must. it's a delectable blend the likes of esteemed early turn-of-the-century British spy novels and novelia. like the very first James Bond manuscript, not so much all the Bond flicks which came out of the fun-lovin' '60s, those titles are rather forgettable porn titles.
* ah, much better. it runs smoother when you have the wikipedia on your hip and can look up the names of all these people
* Orpheus, Order of the Triad: Magician?
Rusty Venture: sorry. how about a rusty trombone? you can't be so bombastic all the time, play it cool, be like that guy Criss Angel who always seems serene no matter what hairy predicament he's in.
Orpheus: i want the Triad to be mobastic. that Angel man has tons of hair on his chest yet when he bare-chests it onstage his chest is like a baby's bottom.
Rusty: magic.
Orpheus: *stage voice* IS THIS CALM ENOUGH? i don't know what a microphone looks like.
Rusty: hey are you coming back this season?
Orpheus: we talk not of such matters, that makes my voice raise.
* Sirena: so that's you name now?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: yeah.
Sirena: you got married? it's been so long i don't remember.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: yeah......JFK was irreplaceable......that was back when arching had consequences......he was taken out by a fellow named Deep State.
* Gary: hi there. i'm that guy with the EXTREMELY annoying voice who was given a bigger platform than I ever deserved. i continue in this role to do the most annoying things and justify them with my most annoying voice cos i'm the "real nerd" of this group or something, the true believer in the bunch. i'm the only one in the cast who's a bad guy for the right reasons. just imagine if the writer's girlfriend hadn't broken up with him? Orpheus's daughter would be right now where i stand. she'd be the one knee-deep in long devleloping character arcs and action.
* Gary: wow. i overslept. reminded me of my college days. yeah my college days when my best friend wasn't dead and we lived as roommates, when we still felt the morning sun on our faces before math lecture at the hall. we were gonna be somebodies in this society, not have to rely on wearing costumes the rest of our lives. we were studying to be lepidopterologists.
* Wide Wale: i never knew you had red hair, Monarch.
Blue Morpho: i am the Blue Morpho!
Monarch: hey, stop hitting yourself! i mean stop hitting me! haven't you heard of concussions!? how ironic can this get for me? i'm gonna die of a sports concussion and i never reaped the benefits of playing sports!
* Wide Wale: so my origin story is as follows: it's the Hulk plus my older brother i looked up to more than our father was The Incredible Mr. Limpet until he became an invalid rorqual in a wheelchair cos as we all know rorquals can't swim, they're just faking it out there. ironically Dory from Finding Nemo fell in love with my brother's full lips when he was younger---it wasn't a liability for him---but my brother Dr. Dodongo's lips eventually fell off from talking too much. btw did they ever say if Nemo was a boy or girl?
Monarch: how iconic can this get?
* Wide Wale: sometimes i can be like a bear or a volcano. but no matter how i've looked through the years i've always been a used-car salesman from Thirty-Fourth Street.
Razor Ramon: i hate those guys who affect French accents to get le pussy.
Monarch: i know. that is such a pussy move. literally. shit.
Razor Ramon: what?
Monarch: chatte.
* Council members chattering.
Invisible Guy: how are we all gonna earn a living? we can't validate our existence validating parking! for some of us this isn't a game, take me for example. i'm actually invisible, not psychologically so like the rest of you.
* Red Death: i'll get you the head of Blue Morpho. i hate the color blue. i want a seat at the Council. i want to sit down and cool off my burning ass, it hurts like the motherfucking dickens.
* Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: how could you do that? how could you be this dumb?
Gary: i went to college for a week...
* Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: i push all your daddy's coworkers' buttons.
Red Death: *hot cocoa sweater* and i push your button, your belly button!
Red Death's daughter: silly daddy, i don't have a belly button, remember? you ate it. why do you keep calling me Benjamin Button?
Red Death: ask your mother, dear.
* Red Death: time for my searing Sam Shepard monologue. you wouldn't understand, kid, times were different back then, it was a meaningful age full of poets and playwrights.
Gary: i think i do tho. you're like the old guy at the end of The Dude movie. i could have just completed college and become that Scottish moth guy on Instagram. i feel strangely comfortable here at this dummy corporation.
* Red Death: the bay doors opened up......and we knew it wasn't a movie anymore......Jonas Venture had become......that black oily Spider-Man thing......
* Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: sweetie? oh no, The Venture Bros. is a post-MeToo show now, we ain't going back, the era of the nice jerk is over, no more hiding pills in my pillbox hat.
* Wide Wale: just point and click, son, that's what all you millennials like to do, eh?
Hank: *shaking* but i got a non-Duck Hunt gun in my hand this time. a gun i got from a nun. and i think that's my uncle or something. you should see me, i'm shaking like a wet leaf over here, i'm twittering up a storm!
Wide Wale: one shot and my daughter is all yours.
Hank: thank you, sir, i refer to your daughter as my Ong Bong because like her it's illegal, i want it, but i don't know how to use it.
The Monarch: if you're gonna kill me remove that ridiculous costume! i shall NOT be further humiliated! i will not suffer the indignity of being felled by the less-cool Latino in the room. at least have Razor Ramon do it.
* Sirena: *hands on heart* oh hi, hey, strange shriveled-up old whale. hey pops! why do i look human but my whole family looks like whales! it's starting to freak me out!
Wide Wale: you should thank me, you ungrateful teenager! i birthed you, that's how you got that nice ass you have. the phat ass of a whale.
* Sirena: Nintendo? what's that?
Razor Ramon: i'm gonna tie you up to your bed till you learn some respect for your history. you can't leave till you beat Zelda's Second Quest without any online help like we all had to do.
Sirena: you got the toothbrush this time? those toothpicks in your mouth ain't cuttin' it.
* Red Death: *crashing windows* ANYONE NEED THEIR PARKING VALIDATED???
* Wide Wale: but how?
Dr. Dugong: i survived cos there's a starfish on my face. i followed the instructions that nice white rapper from Limp Bizkit always sang to me: don't get excited during sex, have a bored expression on your face, remain unmoved. that's how i survived all these years.
Sirena: i instantly like you better than my father. my father wants me to do work-study, which doesn't exist.
* Dr. Dugong: why didn't you forward any of Ma's cat videos?
Wide Wale: i thought she was dead and that was a bot.
* Razor Ramon: see that flying car out there, Sirena? that's how big Nintendo consoles used to be.
Monarch: that's the Morpho Mobile! I'M CLEARED!!!
Red Death: no, sir, i'm afraid that's your car. you didn't get your parking validated and they towed it.
* The Rorqual Affair, that must be the most beautiful title ever. yes it must. it's a delectable blend the likes of esteemed early turn-of-the-century British spy novels and novelia. like the very first James Bond manuscript, not so much all the Bond flicks which came out of the fun-lovin' '60s, those titles are rather forgettable porn titles.
* ah, much better. it runs smoother when you have the wikipedia on your hip and can look up the names of all these people
* Orpheus, Order of the Triad: Magician?
Rusty Venture: sorry. how about a rusty trombone? you can't be so bombastic all the time, play it cool, be like that guy Criss Angel who always seems serene no matter what hairy predicament he's in.
Orpheus: i want the Triad to be mobastic. that Angel man has tons of hair on his chest yet when he bare-chests it onstage his chest is like a baby's bottom.
Rusty: magic.
Orpheus: *stage voice* IS THIS CALM ENOUGH? i don't know what a microphone looks like.
Rusty: hey are you coming back this season?
Orpheus: we talk not of such matters, that makes my voice raise.
* Sirena: so that's you name now?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: yeah.
Sirena: you got married? it's been so long i don't remember.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: yeah......JFK was irreplaceable......that was back when arching had consequences......he was taken out by a fellow named Deep State.
* Gary: hi there. i'm that guy with the EXTREMELY annoying voice who was given a bigger platform than I ever deserved. i continue in this role to do the most annoying things and justify them with my most annoying voice cos i'm the "real nerd" of this group or something, the true believer in the bunch. i'm the only one in the cast who's a bad guy for the right reasons. just imagine if the writer's girlfriend hadn't broken up with him? Orpheus's daughter would be right now where i stand. she'd be the one knee-deep in long devleloping character arcs and action.
* Gary: wow. i overslept. reminded me of my college days. yeah my college days when my best friend wasn't dead and we lived as roommates, when we still felt the morning sun on our faces before math lecture at the hall. we were gonna be somebodies in this society, not have to rely on wearing costumes the rest of our lives. we were studying to be lepidopterologists.
* Wide Wale: i never knew you had red hair, Monarch.
Blue Morpho: i am the Blue Morpho!
Monarch: hey, stop hitting yourself! i mean stop hitting me! haven't you heard of concussions!? how ironic can this get for me? i'm gonna die of a sports concussion and i never reaped the benefits of playing sports!
* Wide Wale: so my origin story is as follows: it's the Hulk plus my older brother i looked up to more than our father was The Incredible Mr. Limpet until he became an invalid rorqual in a wheelchair cos as we all know rorquals can't swim, they're just faking it out there. ironically Dory from Finding Nemo fell in love with my brother's full lips when he was younger---it wasn't a liability for him---but my brother Dr. Dodongo's lips eventually fell off from talking too much. btw did they ever say if Nemo was a boy or girl?
Monarch: how iconic can this get?
* Wide Wale: sometimes i can be like a bear or a volcano. but no matter how i've looked through the years i've always been a used-car salesman from Thirty-Fourth Street.
Razor Ramon: i hate those guys who affect French accents to get le pussy.
Monarch: i know. that is such a pussy move. literally. shit.
Razor Ramon: what?
Monarch: chatte.
* Council members chattering.
Invisible Guy: how are we all gonna earn a living? we can't validate our existence validating parking! for some of us this isn't a game, take me for example. i'm actually invisible, not psychologically so like the rest of you.
* Red Death: i'll get you the head of Blue Morpho. i hate the color blue. i want a seat at the Council. i want to sit down and cool off my burning ass, it hurts like the motherfucking dickens.
* Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: how could you do that? how could you be this dumb?
Gary: i went to college for a week...
* Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: i push all your daddy's coworkers' buttons.
Red Death: *hot cocoa sweater* and i push your button, your belly button!
Red Death's daughter: silly daddy, i don't have a belly button, remember? you ate it. why do you keep calling me Benjamin Button?
Red Death: ask your mother, dear.
* Red Death: time for my searing Sam Shepard monologue. you wouldn't understand, kid, times were different back then, it was a meaningful age full of poets and playwrights.
Gary: i think i do tho. you're like the old guy at the end of The Dude movie. i could have just completed college and become that Scottish moth guy on Instagram. i feel strangely comfortable here at this dummy corporation.
* Red Death: the bay doors opened up......and we knew it wasn't a movie anymore......Jonas Venture had become......that black oily Spider-Man thing......
* Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: sweetie? oh no, The Venture Bros. is a post-MeToo show now, we ain't going back, the era of the nice jerk is over, no more hiding pills in my pillbox hat.
* Wide Wale: just point and click, son, that's what all you millennials like to do, eh?
Hank: *shaking* but i got a non-Duck Hunt gun in my hand this time. a gun i got from a nun. and i think that's my uncle or something. you should see me, i'm shaking like a wet leaf over here, i'm twittering up a storm!
Wide Wale: one shot and my daughter is all yours.
Hank: thank you, sir, i refer to your daughter as my Ong Bong because like her it's illegal, i want it, but i don't know how to use it.
The Monarch: if you're gonna kill me remove that ridiculous costume! i shall NOT be further humiliated! i will not suffer the indignity of being felled by the less-cool Latino in the room. at least have Razor Ramon do it.
* Sirena: *hands on heart* oh hi, hey, strange shriveled-up old whale. hey pops! why do i look human but my whole family looks like whales! it's starting to freak me out!
Wide Wale: you should thank me, you ungrateful teenager! i birthed you, that's how you got that nice ass you have. the phat ass of a whale.
* Sirena: Nintendo? what's that?
Razor Ramon: i'm gonna tie you up to your bed till you learn some respect for your history. you can't leave till you beat Zelda's Second Quest without any online help like we all had to do.
Sirena: you got the toothbrush this time? those toothpicks in your mouth ain't cuttin' it.
* Red Death: *crashing windows* ANYONE NEED THEIR PARKING VALIDATED???
* Wide Wale: but how?
Dr. Dugong: i survived cos there's a starfish on my face. i followed the instructions that nice white rapper from Limp Bizkit always sang to me: don't get excited during sex, have a bored expression on your face, remain unmoved. that's how i survived all these years.
Sirena: i instantly like you better than my father. my father wants me to do work-study, which doesn't exist.
* Dr. Dugong: why didn't you forward any of Ma's cat videos?
Wide Wale: i thought she was dead and that was a bot.
* Razor Ramon: see that flying car out there, Sirena? that's how big Nintendo consoles used to be.
Monarch: that's the Morpho Mobile! I'M CLEARED!!!
Red Death: no, sir, i'm afraid that's your car. you didn't get your parking validated and they towed it.
Monday, August 6, 2018
The Venture Bros. "The Venture Bros. & The Curse of the Haunted Problem"
notes:
* *dusts off centuries of dust from my manufactured tech hiatus-stick a.k.a. dongle*
* whenever a new season finally hits i always think i could have waited 10 more years, that's how loyal i am to this show. of course who knows if i would live that long. quality comes at a price.
* okay, first impression, flash impression, it's a bit comfortable with itself now. i would never advocate and suggest and call for a scheduling-management program...but...maybe a writing staff?...just kidding, you guys, i love you, never change. as Steve Martin says, "i learned comedy from comedy teams, duos"
* science vs. magic, that's what The Flight of Dragons tackles.
* is this the final season? if not, the whole Monarch-is-your-brother thing came WAY too early.
* Dr. Venture thinks it's a computer glitch, Dean knows better, Dean's listened to progrock.
* the muscley dude Brock is not scared of ghosts. he is only scared of one thing: his shadow. and Philip K. Dick, who's a dick as a ghost. and his red-headed Russian ginger girlfriend. Jackson and Doc predicted Butina before anyone else, check reddit.
* Ben Edlund: so i'm the new guy! FINALLY you get some help in the writing department.
Jackson and Doc: and you are?......
Ben Edlund: The Tick.
J&D: there aren't any ancient tweets we need to be concerned about, right?..................right?
* Vincenzo: *kissing his thumb* i'm a-sorry, Hank, but you a-betray me! i think of yous as my own flesh and blood!
Hank: what happened, Vinnie sir? i did as i was told. i'm a loyal soldier to you. i make the pizza sauce exactly as you've instructed, three parts yellow tomatoes, one part my own blood.
Vincenzo: the hat, Hank, you wouldn't wear the hat!
Hank: that red hat is stupid! makes me look like a dork!
* EPISODE HIGHLIGHT, best part of the episode: the hacking. how real hacking is not Hollywood-dramatic, it's just typing on a keyboard.
Butina with the eyepatch: i hacked your pathetic Election with one eye closed. and one hand tied behind my back. you Americans are dumb.
scientists: cos you were concealing your famous rapier you like to lick with your tongue?
Butina: no, Brock Samson tied me up, i like it.
scientists: now that's dramatic.
* Hank: i am Don Flamenco, the boxer from Mike Tyson's Punch Out who you think will be some European pushover with the flourish poetry and the dainty bullfighter's gait and the romantic bed of roses i wear over my shoulder, but is actually a lot stronger than he looks. i am here to fuck your daughter. hey, are you the boyfriend? you look like Madonna's Italian boyfriend street-tough thug from the "Papa Don't Preach" video.
* early prediction: Sirena is Jackie O's long lost daughter, they do look alike, right? the Girlfriend with the Man Voice started smoking at an early age when she was pressured to have an abortion but didn't and secretly gave birth in an alley. the Brown Widow aka Brown Spider-Man spirited young Sirena away under cover of night, making sure not to be spotted for he was brown in this world...
* Sirena: jeezus, DAD! you want me to marry in the family?! like you want me to actually marry family!? incest? like you want me to marry Cousin Sal!!?
Wide Wale: yeah, sures, why not. Trump does it, right? if it's okay with the President...
* Dr. Venture: come on, Dean, just one strip of bacon...here comes the choo-choo plane!...
Dean: no. don't wanna. it looks like a dick. like my dick.
* Dr. Venture: hey Magician, why must you be so dramatic in your pronouncements when you're casting spells? and even when you're talking in your normal speaking voice?
Magician: i am obviously a failed Shakespearean actor.
Dr. Venture: want a ham sandwich?
Magician: and a failed attorney, wow, you really know how to twist the knife i scored higher than Birdman on the written exam.
Dr. Venture: what happened to your daughter? we don't see her anymore. like it's been 8 years or so.
Jackson and Doc: we've been over this. she reminds me too much of my ex-girlfriend...who i hear is happily engaged to a lesbian couple she met upstate at college so i wish her all the best. it wasn't like our relationship turned her or anything.
* wimpy toadstool guy: i never knew Jennifer Beals was half-black.
Shaft: come on, man, didn't you see that dance scene in Flashdance? "Maniac"? the butt?
wimpy toadstool guy: don't call me a butt. some of my best friends are maniacs.
* Dr. Venture: so i was half-right, i mean there are such things as scientific ghosts. haven't you seen Ghostbusters? or Danny Phantom?
Magician: my daughter took me to see the lesbian Ghostbusters.
Dr. Venture: so what, does this make us Green Lanterns now?
Magician: the Green Lanterns are a race of sin and will be judged on the Day. all of their decoder rings are used to see inside the women's bathrooms of quaint lesbian colleges located deep inside Maryland farmland.
* Dr. Venture: whoa, so my father was in the building this whole time? he looks like the Terminator. or that creepy ghost robot metalman from the Scooby-Doo opening. you know the one, looks like he came from a progrock Queen cover? Dad was connected to all the wires and pipes?
Dean: no wonder the toilets never flushed.
Magician: who rented you this apartment?
Dr. Venture: i'd rather not say. okay the President.
Magician: there's a rumor Fred is buried in one of the Trump buildings. i'll get my best man Phantom Limb on it. he can faze through walls.
* me, Phoenix: i'm sure the ending ties up some longstanding loose-end strings nicely in the overall arching plot, paves over plot holes like a Domino's Pizza steamroller, but it's been so very long i've forgotten every last detail of this show.
* the ending theme and titles are always the most dramatic part of the show. not Manafort Trial-dramatic with the dramatic developments and everything mind yous, but stills plenty dramatic after all these here years.
* *dusts off centuries of dust from my manufactured tech hiatus-stick a.k.a. dongle*
* whenever a new season finally hits i always think i could have waited 10 more years, that's how loyal i am to this show. of course who knows if i would live that long. quality comes at a price.
* okay, first impression, flash impression, it's a bit comfortable with itself now. i would never advocate and suggest and call for a scheduling-management program...but...maybe a writing staff?...just kidding, you guys, i love you, never change. as Steve Martin says, "i learned comedy from comedy teams, duos"
* science vs. magic, that's what The Flight of Dragons tackles.
* is this the final season? if not, the whole Monarch-is-your-brother thing came WAY too early.
* Dr. Venture thinks it's a computer glitch, Dean knows better, Dean's listened to progrock.
* the muscley dude Brock is not scared of ghosts. he is only scared of one thing: his shadow. and Philip K. Dick, who's a dick as a ghost. and his red-headed Russian ginger girlfriend. Jackson and Doc predicted Butina before anyone else, check reddit.
* Ben Edlund: so i'm the new guy! FINALLY you get some help in the writing department.
Jackson and Doc: and you are?......
Ben Edlund: The Tick.
J&D: there aren't any ancient tweets we need to be concerned about, right?..................right?
* Vincenzo: *kissing his thumb* i'm a-sorry, Hank, but you a-betray me! i think of yous as my own flesh and blood!
Hank: what happened, Vinnie sir? i did as i was told. i'm a loyal soldier to you. i make the pizza sauce exactly as you've instructed, three parts yellow tomatoes, one part my own blood.
Vincenzo: the hat, Hank, you wouldn't wear the hat!
Hank: that red hat is stupid! makes me look like a dork!
* EPISODE HIGHLIGHT, best part of the episode: the hacking. how real hacking is not Hollywood-dramatic, it's just typing on a keyboard.
Butina with the eyepatch: i hacked your pathetic Election with one eye closed. and one hand tied behind my back. you Americans are dumb.
scientists: cos you were concealing your famous rapier you like to lick with your tongue?
Butina: no, Brock Samson tied me up, i like it.
scientists: now that's dramatic.
* Hank: i am Don Flamenco, the boxer from Mike Tyson's Punch Out who you think will be some European pushover with the flourish poetry and the dainty bullfighter's gait and the romantic bed of roses i wear over my shoulder, but is actually a lot stronger than he looks. i am here to fuck your daughter. hey, are you the boyfriend? you look like Madonna's Italian boyfriend street-tough thug from the "Papa Don't Preach" video.
* early prediction: Sirena is Jackie O's long lost daughter, they do look alike, right? the Girlfriend with the Man Voice started smoking at an early age when she was pressured to have an abortion but didn't and secretly gave birth in an alley. the Brown Widow aka Brown Spider-Man spirited young Sirena away under cover of night, making sure not to be spotted for he was brown in this world...
* Sirena: jeezus, DAD! you want me to marry in the family?! like you want me to actually marry family!? incest? like you want me to marry Cousin Sal!!?
Wide Wale: yeah, sures, why not. Trump does it, right? if it's okay with the President...
* Dr. Venture: come on, Dean, just one strip of bacon...here comes the choo-choo plane!...
Dean: no. don't wanna. it looks like a dick. like my dick.
* Dr. Venture: hey Magician, why must you be so dramatic in your pronouncements when you're casting spells? and even when you're talking in your normal speaking voice?
Magician: i am obviously a failed Shakespearean actor.
Dr. Venture: want a ham sandwich?
Magician: and a failed attorney, wow, you really know how to twist the knife i scored higher than Birdman on the written exam.
Dr. Venture: what happened to your daughter? we don't see her anymore. like it's been 8 years or so.
Jackson and Doc: we've been over this. she reminds me too much of my ex-girlfriend...who i hear is happily engaged to a lesbian couple she met upstate at college so i wish her all the best. it wasn't like our relationship turned her or anything.
* wimpy toadstool guy: i never knew Jennifer Beals was half-black.
Shaft: come on, man, didn't you see that dance scene in Flashdance? "Maniac"? the butt?
wimpy toadstool guy: don't call me a butt. some of my best friends are maniacs.
* Dr. Venture: so i was half-right, i mean there are such things as scientific ghosts. haven't you seen Ghostbusters? or Danny Phantom?
Magician: my daughter took me to see the lesbian Ghostbusters.
Dr. Venture: so what, does this make us Green Lanterns now?
Magician: the Green Lanterns are a race of sin and will be judged on the Day. all of their decoder rings are used to see inside the women's bathrooms of quaint lesbian colleges located deep inside Maryland farmland.
* Dr. Venture: whoa, so my father was in the building this whole time? he looks like the Terminator. or that creepy ghost robot metalman from the Scooby-Doo opening. you know the one, looks like he came from a progrock Queen cover? Dad was connected to all the wires and pipes?
Dean: no wonder the toilets never flushed.
Magician: who rented you this apartment?
Dr. Venture: i'd rather not say. okay the President.
Magician: there's a rumor Fred is buried in one of the Trump buildings. i'll get my best man Phantom Limb on it. he can faze through walls.
* me, Phoenix: i'm sure the ending ties up some longstanding loose-end strings nicely in the overall arching plot, paves over plot holes like a Domino's Pizza steamroller, but it's been so very long i've forgotten every last detail of this show.
* the ending theme and titles are always the most dramatic part of the show. not Manafort Trial-dramatic with the dramatic developments and everything mind yous, but stills plenty dramatic after all these here years.
Saturday, May 5, 2018
Justice League Action "She Wore Red Velvet"
notes:
* don't wanna!
* as i look at the changing-color star and all the heroes and villains in the intro with the triumphant trumpets, i can oly imagine the characters who were never used, the ones who could have been fleshed out more, and maybe a little less of that fire guy
* Booster Gold: Code 10, Batman, CODE 10!!!
Batman: Code Brown?
* Booster: *muttering under his breath* fucking Comic Con crowds, think they know it all, think they know everything about every continuity detail, think they can demand what the author writes, at least get naked. guys, too.
* Booster: strange, right? Batman's too busy for books, he's still crying over that letter. the radical thing about this gold book here is that it's a real gold brick you can melt down if you don't want to read it. you'll shit brix!
attractive woman: i thought you were Animal Man.
Booster: those British authors think they're so superior. i don't need no monkey. meet me after the show, miss. why are all the male Batman fans always fat schlubs in masks that don't fit their fat heads? and why do all of you look like the Scooby Gang?
* Booster: whoa. is your ass spongy like that cake?
Red Velvet: not Red Lantern. you were a terrible husband.
Booster: i was close with the Red.
geek: Elseworlds?
Red Velvet: they only did that Elseworlds imprint for the porn potential. down with the patriarchy!
* Booster Gold: don't take this the wrong way, it's coming from an attention whore, but you're looking for attention.
* Batman: sorry i'm late. oh...............there's a better library in my Batcave anyway.
* Wonder Woman: why haven't we ever heard of this Red Velvet before?
lowly writer: cos i just invented her. that's my singular accomplishment to all of pop culture, this is a completely original character not seen before in any DC media. wouldn't have happened were it not for this show. you're welcome.
* Green Arrow: Goldie, it is vital you divulge this information to the team. i'm asking this from you as a friend, do you pay for sex?
* Wonder Woman: philanthropist?
Booster: don't mock my religion. which is money.
Green Arrow: you'd think we'd get a better security system.
Krypto: get that SunSetter.
* Wonder Woman: it's Sunday. mail doesn't get delivered anymore thanks to the President. on any day.
Red Velvet: Lex Luthor?
Wonder Woman: sure if you want to be blind.
Booster: MJ? nobody's called me MJ since my music career. basketball career? anyway i prefer to be called Carter like that rapper.
Wonder Woman: i'm Carter.
* Booster: it's not Earth-shattering. it's just a volcano. okay, bad time i know but that computer voice is cute, is she seeing anyone?
* Wonder Woman: wait wait WAIT till i get in front of the plane!...
Green Arrow charges the boosters and incinerates Wonder Woman.
* Batman: this would be the time when the Tower would get destroyed swallowed up by the lava of the volcano and that's how the season would end on a cliffhanger...
* Wonder Woman: TAKE OFF MY ROBE!!! DIDN'T YOU SEE THE WW?!!
Booster: wonderful watchtower. i've never seen what i look like without my suit, i thought i had blond hair. you didn't read the books i sent you for Christmas!?
Wonder Woman: Christmas is stupid. start talking or i get my lariat.
Booster: *silence*
* Booster: there were still those awkwatd green trash bins in the year 2462. and then she strolled into my life. regular toilets were big in those days cos everyone was using the upside-down toilets. you couldn't miss her. you couldn't miss those tits! and she was carrying a signed copy of my book!
* Booster: i was a broke-ass who stole money from my mom. i robbed the very museum i worked at, there was no money cos it was a museum. the minister was a robot cos by then computers were the new god, not New God.
Red Velvet: much like the justice ministers of today.
* Booster: i'm not leaving you at the altar, this is a Jon Secada video!
Red Velvet: or Guns N Roses if i prefer.
* Wonder Woman: that's why you're a con artist.
Booster: no i'm that other kind of artist, the one who picks up chicks.
Green Arrow: are you proud of this little cartoon we made?
Booster: *sobbing inconsolably*
* Booster: you don't understand time-travel mechanics.
Wonder Woman: i understand the female mind.
* Green Arrow: dude, getting jilted at the altar is the worst pain a woman can ever suffer in life.
Wonder Woman: even more than my daughter.
Booster: what daughter?
Wonder Woman: exactly.
* Red Velvet: forget your suit! come out here naked. like you told those Con-goers. fair is fair.
Booster: your tits are like howitzer shells. they point true-north. can i be your pencil sharpener?
* *ding* Booster: my microwave cat casserole is done!
* Booster: pumpkin!
Red Velvet: where'd you go?
Booster: gonna have pumpkin pie instead of a wedding cake is that okay?
* Batman: i was Moriarty this whole time...
* Batman: i object to this wedding! i object to marriage as a general concept! hashtag swinglife
* Booster: come on, man. fellow man. don't we have rights, too?
* Booster: let's go down the list. property on Pluto the dog. we'd be the size of fleas. nuclear BBQ to prevent nuclear war. self-zipping pants are like chastity belts for superheroes.
* Red Velvet: he goes bald. and he's a lumberjack. a Monty Python lumberjack.
Booster: i'm allergic to rogaine.
Booster: oh yeah? well the superhero you was more shapely.
bride: you never told me you were into fat chicks.
* Booster: so the lesson is: true love doesn't exist. in fact it never existed.
Green Arrow: we should have built the Tower in space. myspace.
Batman: i checked. Red Velvet is gone. well she's not online she could still be alive.
Booster: who would ever voluntarily be off-the-grid? how could you be alive and not want to use a computer?
* Booster: you got Giganta's digits?
Batman: i think she's seeing someone.
Booster: get it? cos her hands are big. i'm into that sort of thing.
Lana from Archer: can i move in here? my show's on a sinking plane.
* i don't know how to feel. on the one hand it did get a nice full 52-episode run. on the other hand there are a BILLION other stories which could have been told. new characters. besides the cabbie. the wedding of Wonder Woman and Superman to solidify the fans' rage. Batman's Nobel Prize scuttled after accusations by Catwoman. and the GOTG crossover where Groot fucks Poison Ivy and finally says another phrase.
* i'll leave it at that. i won't ragequit. i love you all.
* don't wanna!
* as i look at the changing-color star and all the heroes and villains in the intro with the triumphant trumpets, i can oly imagine the characters who were never used, the ones who could have been fleshed out more, and maybe a little less of that fire guy
* Booster Gold: Code 10, Batman, CODE 10!!!
Batman: Code Brown?
* Booster: *muttering under his breath* fucking Comic Con crowds, think they know it all, think they know everything about every continuity detail, think they can demand what the author writes, at least get naked. guys, too.
* Booster: strange, right? Batman's too busy for books, he's still crying over that letter. the radical thing about this gold book here is that it's a real gold brick you can melt down if you don't want to read it. you'll shit brix!
attractive woman: i thought you were Animal Man.
Booster: those British authors think they're so superior. i don't need no monkey. meet me after the show, miss. why are all the male Batman fans always fat schlubs in masks that don't fit their fat heads? and why do all of you look like the Scooby Gang?
* Booster: whoa. is your ass spongy like that cake?
Red Velvet: not Red Lantern. you were a terrible husband.
Booster: i was close with the Red.
geek: Elseworlds?
Red Velvet: they only did that Elseworlds imprint for the porn potential. down with the patriarchy!
* Booster Gold: don't take this the wrong way, it's coming from an attention whore, but you're looking for attention.
* Batman: sorry i'm late. oh...............there's a better library in my Batcave anyway.
* Wonder Woman: why haven't we ever heard of this Red Velvet before?
lowly writer: cos i just invented her. that's my singular accomplishment to all of pop culture, this is a completely original character not seen before in any DC media. wouldn't have happened were it not for this show. you're welcome.
* Green Arrow: Goldie, it is vital you divulge this information to the team. i'm asking this from you as a friend, do you pay for sex?
* Wonder Woman: philanthropist?
Booster: don't mock my religion. which is money.
Green Arrow: you'd think we'd get a better security system.
Krypto: get that SunSetter.
* Wonder Woman: it's Sunday. mail doesn't get delivered anymore thanks to the President. on any day.
Red Velvet: Lex Luthor?
Wonder Woman: sure if you want to be blind.
Booster: MJ? nobody's called me MJ since my music career. basketball career? anyway i prefer to be called Carter like that rapper.
Wonder Woman: i'm Carter.
* Booster: it's not Earth-shattering. it's just a volcano. okay, bad time i know but that computer voice is cute, is she seeing anyone?
* Wonder Woman: wait wait WAIT till i get in front of the plane!...
Green Arrow charges the boosters and incinerates Wonder Woman.
* Batman: this would be the time when the Tower would get destroyed swallowed up by the lava of the volcano and that's how the season would end on a cliffhanger...
* Wonder Woman: TAKE OFF MY ROBE!!! DIDN'T YOU SEE THE WW?!!
Booster: wonderful watchtower. i've never seen what i look like without my suit, i thought i had blond hair. you didn't read the books i sent you for Christmas!?
Wonder Woman: Christmas is stupid. start talking or i get my lariat.
Booster: *silence*
* Booster: there were still those awkwatd green trash bins in the year 2462. and then she strolled into my life. regular toilets were big in those days cos everyone was using the upside-down toilets. you couldn't miss her. you couldn't miss those tits! and she was carrying a signed copy of my book!
* Booster: i was a broke-ass who stole money from my mom. i robbed the very museum i worked at, there was no money cos it was a museum. the minister was a robot cos by then computers were the new god, not New God.
Red Velvet: much like the justice ministers of today.
* Booster: i'm not leaving you at the altar, this is a Jon Secada video!
Red Velvet: or Guns N Roses if i prefer.
* Wonder Woman: that's why you're a con artist.
Booster: no i'm that other kind of artist, the one who picks up chicks.
Green Arrow: are you proud of this little cartoon we made?
Booster: *sobbing inconsolably*
* Booster: you don't understand time-travel mechanics.
Wonder Woman: i understand the female mind.
* Green Arrow: dude, getting jilted at the altar is the worst pain a woman can ever suffer in life.
Wonder Woman: even more than my daughter.
Booster: what daughter?
Wonder Woman: exactly.
* Red Velvet: forget your suit! come out here naked. like you told those Con-goers. fair is fair.
Booster: your tits are like howitzer shells. they point true-north. can i be your pencil sharpener?
* *ding* Booster: my microwave cat casserole is done!
* Booster: pumpkin!
Red Velvet: where'd you go?
Booster: gonna have pumpkin pie instead of a wedding cake is that okay?
* Batman: i was Moriarty this whole time...
* Batman: i object to this wedding! i object to marriage as a general concept! hashtag swinglife
* Booster: come on, man. fellow man. don't we have rights, too?
* Booster: let's go down the list. property on Pluto the dog. we'd be the size of fleas. nuclear BBQ to prevent nuclear war. self-zipping pants are like chastity belts for superheroes.
* Red Velvet: he goes bald. and he's a lumberjack. a Monty Python lumberjack.
Booster: i'm allergic to rogaine.
Booster: oh yeah? well the superhero you was more shapely.
bride: you never told me you were into fat chicks.
* Booster: so the lesson is: true love doesn't exist. in fact it never existed.
Green Arrow: we should have built the Tower in space. myspace.
Batman: i checked. Red Velvet is gone. well she's not online she could still be alive.
Booster: who would ever voluntarily be off-the-grid? how could you be alive and not want to use a computer?
* Booster: you got Giganta's digits?
Batman: i think she's seeing someone.
Booster: get it? cos her hands are big. i'm into that sort of thing.
Lana from Archer: can i move in here? my show's on a sinking plane.
* i don't know how to feel. on the one hand it did get a nice full 52-episode run. on the other hand there are a BILLION other stories which could have been told. new characters. besides the cabbie. the wedding of Wonder Woman and Superman to solidify the fans' rage. Batman's Nobel Prize scuttled after accusations by Catwoman. and the GOTG crossover where Groot fucks Poison Ivy and finally says another phrase.
* i'll leave it at that. i won't ragequit. i love you all.
Friday, May 4, 2018
Justice League Action "Unleashed"
learned:
* Supergirl again! she's been bringing the thunder lately.
* cute pet episode. but don't skip here, only one left.
* Supergirl: i love these group outings! they're like what church picnics would be for us if the Justice League didn't worship themselves.
* Booster Gold: is it my turn or...?
Plastic Man: it's my turn.
Booster: thanks, buddy, i owe you one.
* Plastic Man: YIPPPPEEEE! i have the whole Tower to myself?!! i can masturbate in peace! when i masturbate the cum turns plastic and ricochets back into my eyes. i'm the only man who has ever given himself a facial. can Supergirl stay and watch just for verification?
* Batman: the computer outranks you. the dog outranks you. your own mother outranks you.
Plastic Man: i'm a ball on another show on this network. like i'm literally just a ball that talks.
* Superman: is that a Halloween mask of you or you as a Halloween mask? of you?
* Plastic Man: showoff. if you were gonna laser your poo all along, why did i need to being this baggie?
Krypto the Superdog: for the pot, man. happy 420!
Plastic Man: you smoke pot?
Krypto: yeah, man, that's why they cancelled my PBS show.
Plastic Man: am i stoned right now or are you talking?
Krypto: naw, man, i can talk, you're not crazy. you're crazy cos you think you can stretch into weird shapes.
* Krypto: there's a cat out there stranded at sea.
Plastic Man: forget it.
* Plastic Man: i don't know how i'm doing this! i can turn my hands into blowdryers but i can't blowdry my own hair, as you can see from my inimitable coif. it's like the can't-give-yourself-a-facial thing.
* cat: couldn't get the GrumpyCat rights. i'm blue but i'm not sad.
Plastic Man: i'm jealous, you're a bigger ball than me.
* cat: you're not my uncle. i serve only Lord Dio. and Donald Duck.
Plastic Man: here, you can have the elevator all to yourself, i can't ride the elevator cos i'm Jewish.
* soldier: my most loyal lieutenant, good kitty. WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ME!!?
Dex-Starr: red light, us cats can't resist them. shoulda gone with the blue light to curry my favor.
solider: do not use your power ring.
Dex-Starr: then don't put it on a string!
* all the animators have cats, huh. you can tell from these episodes.
* Plastic Man: i got Streaky's old litterbox. i'm gonna pretend Streaky goes missing and then magically swoop in to save the day and return Streaky to Supergirl thus ensuring she'll stay and watch.
* Plastic Man: in this episode i'm stupid and cruel to animals. i hope they burn the tapes before Batman sees.
* Plastic Man: this book is useless. i'm looking for a recipe.
* Dex-Starr: you know overeating is the number-one cause of death amongst us villains, not anything you do-gooders do to us. we're eating our feelings. major pressure on the women in our group to stay slim, they gotta be at least hot if they're gonna be evil.
Plastic Man: i can't keep anything down, all the food turns to plastic...
* Dex-Starr: get that fish out my face, who do you think i am? Heathcliff? you humans think meatloaf is disgusting so why would you think cats would enjoy it? cats don't eat cake where did you conceive of such a notion?
* Dex-Starr: why you scatting?
Plastic: cos you catting. wanna smoke a bowl? this bowl i turned into?
* Plastic Man: now remember. soap operas are the hardest things for television writers to write. they become stale quickly. and they're never cancelled.
Dex-Starr: i gotta take like the biggest shit of all time right now.
* Plastic Man: i suppose i could make you a lasgana. but it'll take three hours homemade.
Dex-Starr: who do you think i am, Gar.....? i mean go right ahead.
* Plastic Man: real men watch Bravo.
* Dex-Starr: *holding up paw* you have the most beautiful face, Krypto.
Plastic Man: this flower is mixed-in to show i love you.
Plastic Man: you know i'm mad when i use abbreviations! don't worry, it's one of those SunSetter awnings you see on tv where the family just wants to be comfortable watching the Oakland Raiders.
* Plastic Man: now remember. using the sauna does not count as your shower.
* Plastic Man: i used fake candles that stay lit after you blow them. sorry.
* Plastic Man: when my jaw drops, my jaw literally drops.
Krypto: luckily my master got me this hello-i've-fallen-and-i-can't-get-up device for Christmas.
* Streaky: it's a sound only cats can hear but not dogs. it's a complicated sound.
* Dex-Starr: this giant spatula is for all that shit you made me eat!
* non-sexual catfight
* are my eyes deceiving me or did they just erase all the JusticeLeagueAction and replace it with Mighty Magiswords?
* Krypto: boxing is dead. and so are you.
* bad guys: so our entire army was felled by a cat.................let's go back to the breakroom and eat some more.
* Plastic Man: you ate my shit, i ate your shit. fair is fair.
* Supergirl: all's fair in love and war. you brought back my cat, i'm ready to kiss you on the lips now.
Plastic Man: my lips smell like sewage. can you kiss me on my butt?
* Superman: you saved the world.
Plastic Man: sigh. no. the cat and dog saved the world. i was useless. time for me to take off my sunglasses, cut my hair, and get a real job.
* Plastic Man: duty. with a t. i've enlisted in the volunteer army.
* Supergirl again! she's been bringing the thunder lately.
* cute pet episode. but don't skip here, only one left.
* Supergirl: i love these group outings! they're like what church picnics would be for us if the Justice League didn't worship themselves.
* Booster Gold: is it my turn or...?
Plastic Man: it's my turn.
Booster: thanks, buddy, i owe you one.
* Plastic Man: YIPPPPEEEE! i have the whole Tower to myself?!! i can masturbate in peace! when i masturbate the cum turns plastic and ricochets back into my eyes. i'm the only man who has ever given himself a facial. can Supergirl stay and watch just for verification?
* Batman: the computer outranks you. the dog outranks you. your own mother outranks you.
Plastic Man: i'm a ball on another show on this network. like i'm literally just a ball that talks.
* Superman: is that a Halloween mask of you or you as a Halloween mask? of you?
* Plastic Man: showoff. if you were gonna laser your poo all along, why did i need to being this baggie?
Krypto the Superdog: for the pot, man. happy 420!
Plastic Man: you smoke pot?
Krypto: yeah, man, that's why they cancelled my PBS show.
Plastic Man: am i stoned right now or are you talking?
Krypto: naw, man, i can talk, you're not crazy. you're crazy cos you think you can stretch into weird shapes.
* Krypto: there's a cat out there stranded at sea.
Plastic Man: forget it.
* Plastic Man: i don't know how i'm doing this! i can turn my hands into blowdryers but i can't blowdry my own hair, as you can see from my inimitable coif. it's like the can't-give-yourself-a-facial thing.
* cat: couldn't get the GrumpyCat rights. i'm blue but i'm not sad.
Plastic Man: i'm jealous, you're a bigger ball than me.
* cat: you're not my uncle. i serve only Lord Dio. and Donald Duck.
Plastic Man: here, you can have the elevator all to yourself, i can't ride the elevator cos i'm Jewish.
* soldier: my most loyal lieutenant, good kitty. WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ME!!?
Dex-Starr: red light, us cats can't resist them. shoulda gone with the blue light to curry my favor.
solider: do not use your power ring.
Dex-Starr: then don't put it on a string!
* all the animators have cats, huh. you can tell from these episodes.
* Plastic Man: i got Streaky's old litterbox. i'm gonna pretend Streaky goes missing and then magically swoop in to save the day and return Streaky to Supergirl thus ensuring she'll stay and watch.
* Plastic Man: in this episode i'm stupid and cruel to animals. i hope they burn the tapes before Batman sees.
* Plastic Man: this book is useless. i'm looking for a recipe.
* Dex-Starr: you know overeating is the number-one cause of death amongst us villains, not anything you do-gooders do to us. we're eating our feelings. major pressure on the women in our group to stay slim, they gotta be at least hot if they're gonna be evil.
Plastic Man: i can't keep anything down, all the food turns to plastic...
* Dex-Starr: get that fish out my face, who do you think i am? Heathcliff? you humans think meatloaf is disgusting so why would you think cats would enjoy it? cats don't eat cake where did you conceive of such a notion?
* Dex-Starr: why you scatting?
Plastic: cos you catting. wanna smoke a bowl? this bowl i turned into?
* Plastic Man: now remember. soap operas are the hardest things for television writers to write. they become stale quickly. and they're never cancelled.
Dex-Starr: i gotta take like the biggest shit of all time right now.
* Plastic Man: i suppose i could make you a lasgana. but it'll take three hours homemade.
Dex-Starr: who do you think i am, Gar.....? i mean go right ahead.
* Plastic Man: real men watch Bravo.
* Dex-Starr: *holding up paw* you have the most beautiful face, Krypto.
Plastic Man: this flower is mixed-in to show i love you.
Plastic Man: you know i'm mad when i use abbreviations! don't worry, it's one of those SunSetter awnings you see on tv where the family just wants to be comfortable watching the Oakland Raiders.
* Plastic Man: now remember. using the sauna does not count as your shower.
* Plastic Man: i used fake candles that stay lit after you blow them. sorry.
* Plastic Man: when my jaw drops, my jaw literally drops.
Krypto: luckily my master got me this hello-i've-fallen-and-i-can't-get-up device for Christmas.
* Streaky: it's a sound only cats can hear but not dogs. it's a complicated sound.
* Dex-Starr: this giant spatula is for all that shit you made me eat!
* non-sexual catfight
* are my eyes deceiving me or did they just erase all the JusticeLeagueAction and replace it with Mighty Magiswords?
* Krypto: boxing is dead. and so are you.
* bad guys: so our entire army was felled by a cat.................let's go back to the breakroom and eat some more.
* Plastic Man: you ate my shit, i ate your shit. fair is fair.
* Supergirl: all's fair in love and war. you brought back my cat, i'm ready to kiss you on the lips now.
Plastic Man: my lips smell like sewage. can you kiss me on my butt?
* Superman: you saved the world.
Plastic Man: sigh. no. the cat and dog saved the world. i was useless. time for me to take off my sunglasses, cut my hair, and get a real job.
* Plastic Man: duty. with a t. i've enlisted in the volunteer army.
Justice League Action "Keeping Up with the Kryptonians"
learned:
* hey!
* yes!
* okay, finally we reach the new stuff. ain't gonna lie, this was the one that intrigued me from the remaining when i peeped the list. you get a fuzzy feeling inside, you know this is gonna be comedy. and reality. i will get through this without mentioning Seacrest (damn) and mentioning Jenner (yeah)
* sepia-tone makes the war more digestible
* happy 50th, Supes! you were originally designed to be an Earth-destroying villain! like Goku in reverse. Goku Black. Kasnia once held the Winter Olympics...
* Bryan: my name is Bryan Oceanmist. i used to be an Olympic hero but now I don't give a fuck what you think of me. i can take it.
i admire her. i really honestly do.
* you know i was thinking Supergirl had been on here before but i think i was confusing her with that other bubbly blonde in the stars n stripes suit. i didn't recognize the voice actress, or maybe just forgot. Joanne Spracklen, aye? she looks the part. MMA fighter, too! sprechen sie Deutsch, it's still weird to me that Deutsch is german for german instead of german for dutch.
* Miley started the whole show-your-tongue thing. i suppose it could have been worse and another bodypart. in a couple millions of little girls will watch the Royal Wedding and aspire to be someone other than a selfie queen: a real Queen!
* i can't even..................finish this review...............but i must power through..........like Supergirl's blues
* i've been so busy these years i had no idea i was missing all this time the only revival which matters: That's So Raven.
* Kara: i've never had a Valley Girl accent till now, but whatevs. skin-care line? the animators always make my skin flawless, i'm lucky.
* girl: Supergirl, help me! i know i look like a stalker with this drab overcoat but...
* full disclosure: i actually did think the short agent was really a new character who really was an agent and who just happened to be voiced by Mr. M. silly me.
* agent: real Holywood agents actually say "doll". i think. 20% of nothing is still 20%.
* Superman Black: i plant flag and is country mine. i put my dirty underwear on pole this morning after i came...
* Morty: when she takes off her hoop earrings, you know she's serious.
Kara: stop thinking about blowjobs.
* Superman Black: i hang up banner cos i recently see John Hurt's performance in 1984. he was so Hurt and so hurt he make me cry.
Kara crashes her stomping high-inch heels in.
Superman Black: i want to fuck you. fuck you up i mean.
* Booster Gold: i stole this apple from that villain from Legend of the Seeker. that guy's a hunk i mean he's competition.
* Kara: are you tired yet?
Superman Black: yes. the K on my chest is for Vitamin K which doesn't exist.
Kara: you have a nice banana. what we did was either fighting or really rough sex.
* Booster: thanks, little buddy, you prevented me from littering.
agent Morty Mr. M: i'm short so i have a bad attitude! caves aren't supposed to stink!
Booster: mine did. Daryl Hannah was in it. she was preparing her famous fish. that was some damn good fish.
Mr. M: by the fire?
Booster shakes his head.
* Booster: i switched to eating caterpillars. i killed the time paradox before it had a chance to spread its wings.
Mr. M: of course not! what idiot would buy a purple car!
* in Fresno, the turf wars were decided by turkeys. the semi-pros ruled the lanes...
* Superman Black: strong lady is cousin? so it's still legal in Kansas?
Booster: Kasnia, buddy, Kasnia.
* Superman: i just had a devastating thought. my wind-blowing power from my mouth caused all these tornadoes.
* Superman: that silver silo looks like my dick. ignore it.
Supergirl: is that blueberry pie i smell?
Superman: Ma Kent's blueberry pie.
Supergirl: i thought Ma Kent was dead. quick pit stop to Henderson's dairy...........oh wait i think i killed Henderson accidentally, collateral damage on one of my jaunts.
* Supergirl: i can burp louder than you. that's sad. i'm not on a show so i can eat like a normal human. you ever wonder how different our lives would have been if we hadn't grown up in Smallville?
Superman: you wouldn't have joined a cult.
* Superman: Ma didn't allow tv in the house, that's why Pa divorced her.
* strange transition to Twilight Zone, cos Twilight Zone will always be in demand (and on demand). thanks, Jordan Peele.
* Mr. M: i could have done all this with a snap of my fingers but it's more fun to do the voice, i rarely get to voice with my butterscotch voice. i submitted for your approval and you haven't gotten back to me.
* Mr. M: original design for Kara, looked like Harley Quinn. i was raised by a backbone of DNA, that explains a lot.
* Mr. M: Rod Serling is alive, trust me, i know where he is. i tried to make the Earth flat but the Earth just wasn't having it. peacetime Kasnia is actually quite nice. the swimming pools in Hollywood are quite shallow cos there's no elevation.
* Superman Black: cheap trick. favorite band. golden oat bread. favorite bread. also favorite band.
* Kara: we're superheroes, science fiction is ridiculous.
Booster: agreed. but a show's a show. i'm a selfie king, i don't know how to memorize lines.
* Superman Black: simple clown died noble death. this is his golden bra.
* Mr. M: okay listen. i need help. i think i need to start just not talking anymore. if i can stop talking i can really think about the name thing.
* Supergirl: *hug* i love you.
Superman: in the Kansas way?
* Superman: did you eat all our blueberry pie?
Booster: that wasn't blueberries, THAT WAS MR. M!
* Supergirl: did you hear about that new SyFy show about our home planet?
Superman: SyFy, so stupid.
* hey!
* yes!
* okay, finally we reach the new stuff. ain't gonna lie, this was the one that intrigued me from the remaining when i peeped the list. you get a fuzzy feeling inside, you know this is gonna be comedy. and reality. i will get through this without mentioning Seacrest (damn) and mentioning Jenner (yeah)
* sepia-tone makes the war more digestible
* happy 50th, Supes! you were originally designed to be an Earth-destroying villain! like Goku in reverse. Goku Black. Kasnia once held the Winter Olympics...
* Bryan: my name is Bryan Oceanmist. i used to be an Olympic hero but now I don't give a fuck what you think of me. i can take it.
i admire her. i really honestly do.
* you know i was thinking Supergirl had been on here before but i think i was confusing her with that other bubbly blonde in the stars n stripes suit. i didn't recognize the voice actress, or maybe just forgot. Joanne Spracklen, aye? she looks the part. MMA fighter, too! sprechen sie Deutsch, it's still weird to me that Deutsch is german for german instead of german for dutch.
* Miley started the whole show-your-tongue thing. i suppose it could have been worse and another bodypart. in a couple millions of little girls will watch the Royal Wedding and aspire to be someone other than a selfie queen: a real Queen!
* i can't even..................finish this review...............but i must power through..........like Supergirl's blues
* i've been so busy these years i had no idea i was missing all this time the only revival which matters: That's So Raven.
* Kara: i've never had a Valley Girl accent till now, but whatevs. skin-care line? the animators always make my skin flawless, i'm lucky.
* girl: Supergirl, help me! i know i look like a stalker with this drab overcoat but...
* full disclosure: i actually did think the short agent was really a new character who really was an agent and who just happened to be voiced by Mr. M. silly me.
* agent: real Holywood agents actually say "doll". i think. 20% of nothing is still 20%.
* Superman Black: i plant flag and is country mine. i put my dirty underwear on pole this morning after i came...
* Morty: when she takes off her hoop earrings, you know she's serious.
Kara: stop thinking about blowjobs.
* Superman Black: i hang up banner cos i recently see John Hurt's performance in 1984. he was so Hurt and so hurt he make me cry.
Kara crashes her stomping high-inch heels in.
Superman Black: i want to fuck you. fuck you up i mean.
* Booster Gold: i stole this apple from that villain from Legend of the Seeker. that guy's a hunk i mean he's competition.
* Kara: are you tired yet?
Superman Black: yes. the K on my chest is for Vitamin K which doesn't exist.
Kara: you have a nice banana. what we did was either fighting or really rough sex.
* Booster: thanks, little buddy, you prevented me from littering.
agent Morty Mr. M: i'm short so i have a bad attitude! caves aren't supposed to stink!
Booster: mine did. Daryl Hannah was in it. she was preparing her famous fish. that was some damn good fish.
Mr. M: by the fire?
Booster shakes his head.
* Booster: i switched to eating caterpillars. i killed the time paradox before it had a chance to spread its wings.
Mr. M: of course not! what idiot would buy a purple car!
* in Fresno, the turf wars were decided by turkeys. the semi-pros ruled the lanes...
* Superman Black: strong lady is cousin? so it's still legal in Kansas?
Booster: Kasnia, buddy, Kasnia.
* Superman: i just had a devastating thought. my wind-blowing power from my mouth caused all these tornadoes.
* Superman: that silver silo looks like my dick. ignore it.
Supergirl: is that blueberry pie i smell?
Superman: Ma Kent's blueberry pie.
Supergirl: i thought Ma Kent was dead. quick pit stop to Henderson's dairy...........oh wait i think i killed Henderson accidentally, collateral damage on one of my jaunts.
* Supergirl: i can burp louder than you. that's sad. i'm not on a show so i can eat like a normal human. you ever wonder how different our lives would have been if we hadn't grown up in Smallville?
Superman: you wouldn't have joined a cult.
* Superman: Ma didn't allow tv in the house, that's why Pa divorced her.
* strange transition to Twilight Zone, cos Twilight Zone will always be in demand (and on demand). thanks, Jordan Peele.
* Mr. M: i could have done all this with a snap of my fingers but it's more fun to do the voice, i rarely get to voice with my butterscotch voice. i submitted for your approval and you haven't gotten back to me.
* Mr. M: original design for Kara, looked like Harley Quinn. i was raised by a backbone of DNA, that explains a lot.
* Mr. M: Rod Serling is alive, trust me, i know where he is. i tried to make the Earth flat but the Earth just wasn't having it. peacetime Kasnia is actually quite nice. the swimming pools in Hollywood are quite shallow cos there's no elevation.
* Superman Black: cheap trick. favorite band. golden oat bread. favorite bread. also favorite band.
* Kara: we're superheroes, science fiction is ridiculous.
Booster: agreed. but a show's a show. i'm a selfie king, i don't know how to memorize lines.
* Superman Black: simple clown died noble death. this is his golden bra.
* Mr. M: okay listen. i need help. i think i need to start just not talking anymore. if i can stop talking i can really think about the name thing.
* Supergirl: *hug* i love you.
Superman: in the Kansas way?
* Superman: did you eat all our blueberry pie?
Booster: that wasn't blueberries, THAT WAS MR. M!
* Supergirl: did you hear about that new SyFy show about our home planet?
Superman: SyFy, so stupid.
Thursday, May 3, 2018
Justice League Action "Captain Bamboozle"
learned:
* i need to watch that '70s Shazam live-action show. everyone needs to binge at least one live-action superhero show from the '70s, trust me, it'll make you feel fuzzy inside.
* that brown-haired animator running past was hot
* Mr. M: just call me Mr. M. even my mother can't get the name right.
* dude in purple robes: see i REALLY wanted to work at Medieval Times. then i REALLY wanted to work at Round Table Pizza...
* purple man: spear up some dolphin...
Flying Knight: CRASH
purple man: WAIT. dolphin-safe tuna. and some hot sauce.
Flying Knight: alls i got is queso. and that Britney Spears pussy pic. those are the images which hit up from the search. i'm a computer.
* Mr. M: look at pops over there!
Dudley: dude shut up. is this how you treat your legends? i'm Addams. you're a whiny jew.
* Shazam: rusty can opener...
purple man: i don't have sex so i don't know sex euphemisms. oh yeah, Felix. Felix is such a nonthreatening name. it's a cat name.
* Dudley: get 'em tiger. boy ate his Frosted Flakes this morning.
* Felix Faust: with my magic i will turn this hoverboard into a real hoverboard!
* Dudley: pretty girl tells me to abandon son so i abandon son. i'm Dudely H. Dudley. Dudley can be a male and female name.
* Dudley: i obviously stole this RV from Ben 10's old man. that was a tough armwrestling match at the city park public restroom.
Shazam: CLEAN THE FUCKING DISHES, GRANDPA
Dudley: *covering hairy ears* stop yelling at me!
Shazam: sorry. i stopped chewing my vitamins that i use to get big and strong.
Dudley: those aren't vitamins.
* Dudley: i'll be fine. i'm a tough old coot. i was the first one to volunteer for the XFL. i'm not your uncle, i'm your biological father. i fucked your mom.
Shazam: WHAT STUPID FUCKING COOKIES ARE THESE/ the ones with the large gooey centers of strawberry jam which stick to my fingers? i hate those!
Dudley *covering his hairy ears* no, they're chocolate chip, the chocolate chips are just huge!
Shazam: sorry.
* Shazam: i'll see you down at the diner. down on the street. i'm a kid but i'll pay for the both of us.
* Dudley: glowing toilet. my spleen. normal Thursday.
* Dudley: you can't say holy guacamole anymore.
Wizard: in the 80s it wasn't called stalking.
Dudley: also, Merlin was probably a black Moor.
* Dudley: you mean "shazam"?
Wizard: that's a pussy word. your word shall be "Mustache Ride". we've already been cancelled.
* Dudley: have you noticed tortilla chips don't taste good unless they're triangular?
* bird: that's unnatural, dude.
Dudley: thanks. hey girl, your cat has pink eyes, you should check that out.
girl: thanks. my father's a cop.
Dudley: cops are obsolete.
* Dudley: it's not perverted if a superhero does it.
naked babe poolside: justice?
Dudley: it's not against the law if a superhero does it. btw, money is obsolete.
* Dudley: don't leave me hanging, kid. high-five............okay low-five...
* Dudley: that's the problem with you new-school animators. reliant too much on your precious tablets.
Batman: i can't draw good
* Dudley: told ya about the cat.
Wonder Woman: she's a prettier pussy than mine.
* Mr. M: ...than when i gave Superman chickenhead...
* driver: i look like Patrick from that Anatomy show. i'm gonna die a fan-disapproved death.
* Shazam: i've always wanted to get eaten by a pussy.
* driver: in all fairness, that garbage truck does look like a giant kitty litter.
* Batman: i blinded myself when i looked at my red Batsignal light too long. that's why i wear this cowl. i just wanted to see.
Wonder Woman: the light also works on penguins.
* Mr. M: so here's the thing. i know my enemies are always gonna try to trick me into saying the name. i should be on guard for that. instead i suffer from lack of impulse control or something. i'm always exasperated when i speak and can't think clearly, i'm distracted and lose focus and my mind is racing all the time.
Shazam: here, take my pills, i don't need them.
* Dudley: Mustache Ride!
Wonder Woman: that worked. let's go back to my place. the girls won't mind.
Dudley: *winks at the camera* still got it.
Wonder Woman: but you don't have a mustache. goodbye.
* i need to watch that '70s Shazam live-action show. everyone needs to binge at least one live-action superhero show from the '70s, trust me, it'll make you feel fuzzy inside.
* that brown-haired animator running past was hot
* Mr. M: just call me Mr. M. even my mother can't get the name right.
* dude in purple robes: see i REALLY wanted to work at Medieval Times. then i REALLY wanted to work at Round Table Pizza...
* purple man: spear up some dolphin...
Flying Knight: CRASH
purple man: WAIT. dolphin-safe tuna. and some hot sauce.
Flying Knight: alls i got is queso. and that Britney Spears pussy pic. those are the images which hit up from the search. i'm a computer.
* Mr. M: look at pops over there!
Dudley: dude shut up. is this how you treat your legends? i'm Addams. you're a whiny jew.
* Shazam: rusty can opener...
purple man: i don't have sex so i don't know sex euphemisms. oh yeah, Felix. Felix is such a nonthreatening name. it's a cat name.
* Dudley: get 'em tiger. boy ate his Frosted Flakes this morning.
* Felix Faust: with my magic i will turn this hoverboard into a real hoverboard!
* Dudley: pretty girl tells me to abandon son so i abandon son. i'm Dudely H. Dudley. Dudley can be a male and female name.
* Dudley: i obviously stole this RV from Ben 10's old man. that was a tough armwrestling match at the city park public restroom.
Shazam: CLEAN THE FUCKING DISHES, GRANDPA
Dudley: *covering hairy ears* stop yelling at me!
Shazam: sorry. i stopped chewing my vitamins that i use to get big and strong.
Dudley: those aren't vitamins.
* Dudley: i'll be fine. i'm a tough old coot. i was the first one to volunteer for the XFL. i'm not your uncle, i'm your biological father. i fucked your mom.
Shazam: WHAT STUPID FUCKING COOKIES ARE THESE/ the ones with the large gooey centers of strawberry jam which stick to my fingers? i hate those!
Dudley *covering his hairy ears* no, they're chocolate chip, the chocolate chips are just huge!
Shazam: sorry.
* Shazam: i'll see you down at the diner. down on the street. i'm a kid but i'll pay for the both of us.
* Dudley: glowing toilet. my spleen. normal Thursday.
* Dudley: you can't say holy guacamole anymore.
Wizard: in the 80s it wasn't called stalking.
Dudley: also, Merlin was probably a black Moor.
* Dudley: you mean "shazam"?
Wizard: that's a pussy word. your word shall be "Mustache Ride". we've already been cancelled.
* Dudley: have you noticed tortilla chips don't taste good unless they're triangular?
* bird: that's unnatural, dude.
Dudley: thanks. hey girl, your cat has pink eyes, you should check that out.
girl: thanks. my father's a cop.
Dudley: cops are obsolete.
* Dudley: it's not perverted if a superhero does it.
naked babe poolside: justice?
Dudley: it's not against the law if a superhero does it. btw, money is obsolete.
* Dudley: don't leave me hanging, kid. high-five............okay low-five...
* Dudley: that's the problem with you new-school animators. reliant too much on your precious tablets.
Batman: i can't draw good
* Dudley: told ya about the cat.
Wonder Woman: she's a prettier pussy than mine.
* Mr. M: ...than when i gave Superman chickenhead...
* driver: i look like Patrick from that Anatomy show. i'm gonna die a fan-disapproved death.
* Shazam: i've always wanted to get eaten by a pussy.
* driver: in all fairness, that garbage truck does look like a giant kitty litter.
* Batman: i blinded myself when i looked at my red Batsignal light too long. that's why i wear this cowl. i just wanted to see.
Wonder Woman: the light also works on penguins.
* Mr. M: so here's the thing. i know my enemies are always gonna try to trick me into saying the name. i should be on guard for that. instead i suffer from lack of impulse control or something. i'm always exasperated when i speak and can't think clearly, i'm distracted and lose focus and my mind is racing all the time.
Shazam: here, take my pills, i don't need them.
* Dudley: Mustache Ride!
Wonder Woman: that worked. let's go back to my place. the girls won't mind.
Dudley: *winks at the camera* still got it.
Wonder Woman: but you don't have a mustache. goodbye.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)