notes:
* great, so i have to see Awakenings now? i don't have time for all these bucket lists in summer!
* Archer: so i'm not allowed to reference To Kill A Mockingbird, right?
* Ray: and now i will preside over this court cos this is MY story!
* Archer: what is that behind you? are you the Sun God Ra or is this Flash Gordon?
Ray: i'm a courtesan! not whatever biracial potluck you're dreaming of now.
* Cheryl: wait, holodeck? OHHHHHHH, now i get it, these last three seasons have been on the holodeck!
* Cheryl: sqaush court...
Pam: oh, i thought you said smash court...
* Archer: kangaroo court...
Cyril: haven't you heard? America's a banana republic now.
* Lana: with a magazine...
Cheryl: in my defense, that was the first issue of Omni, priceless on the black market.
* Malory: what? my character was based off Marlene Dietrich.
* Archer: TV's Michael Gray, pathetic, trying to pawn off a Princess Bride quote as your own, i don't know what Marcia Brady ever saw in you...
* Krieger: why is Barry attacking us?!!
Malory: rent's due. i told you.
* Archer: make that growling sound again, Lana.
* Barry: we're not gay, we're just a tightly-knit group of alien baseball players. from Cuba.
* 50-cent blowjobs, otherwise known as an Old Fashioned
* Barry: what the fuck, stud? you killed all my men!
Cyril: told you i was good at video games.
* Archer: why are you doing this, Barry?
Barry: cos you fucked my girlfriend. in her butthole. if it had been her front we'd be cool.
* this montage at the end here makes me sad, it reminds me of that last Anthony Bourdain montage
* Michael Gray: that's me! i really did own a flower shop in real life!
* Adam Reed: yeah, so we really did think this would be the series finale. one episode for us takes 3 years. the Venture Bros crew leave me prank-texts on my Insta DMs all day long.
* Malory: ARCHER! i'm so glad you're finally woke!
Archer: please, Mother.
Malory: i need a drinking partner DESPERATELY. all my ladies left me!
* Archer: you know, the first criminal stalking in history?
black nurse: wha?
Archer: guess you're not a baseball fan.
* Archer: why is all your stuff here?
Malory: the railroad station marble floors are too cold.
Archer: you have only one hobo suitcase?
Malory: all you really need in life is maraschino cherries.
Archer: please don't tell me we're really not rich. if so i'm going back to coma.
* Archer: where's Lana?
Malory: there's time for all that later.
Adam: not for me, i'm gone from this tire fire. why do i get the sinking feeling that Lana's not gonna be on the show next year...
* Malory: you know, the real love story here this decade of shows is really between you and i, mother and son. like i said at Comic Con, Malory loves Archer desperately, but she doesn't know how to show it.
Archer: Season 11 isn't gonna just be online, right?
* Malory: you have to see me as a person, not as your mother. Burt Reynolds gave you that advice.
Archer: Burt Reynolds is dead.
Malory: for reference, watch the Family Ties episode with me with Elyse and Alex P. Keaton your hero on this exact subject. or any of the Sarah Jane Adventures…
Archer: again, dead. fine, but just don't tell me Little Baby Seamus is ours…
* you know, the greatest thing Archer ever did was completely normalize an interracial relationship. right? when you think of Lana and Archer, the LAST thing you think about is that Lana is black and Archer is white. it's the furthest thing from your mind, admit it.
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Thursday, August 1, 2019
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Archer 1999 "Cubert"
notes:
* well that got disturbing and uncomfortable at the end
* other candidates for this episode's title: "Ghost Cube", "Wake Up, Archer"
* not Elisha Cuthbert
* Pam: you're a buzzkill.
Lana: i can cut peaches on my ass. my buttocks is a buzzsaw.
* Cheryl: ambergris?
Archer: no that's that Bob's Burgers episode.
* a ranch tub was first featured on the Eric Andre Show...man do i want the Eric Andre Show to come back...
* Malory: ranch? oh you mean white cocktail sauce.
* Cyril: so this is the cube from that Filter video for "Welcome To the Fold".
Archer: i give you credit you know that.
Cyril: you can tell Adam Reed has a pen in his hand at all times writing these scripts, there is always much dialogue about pens.
Archer: penis?
Cyril: hey did you see the Rick + Morty Season 4 trailer i was in at Comic-Con this San Diego?
Archer: um, we weren't invited back to Comic Con. it's not looking good for Season 11...
* if the mirror smiles back at you, is it a mirror?...
* Krieger: throw a fork at it...okay it only works with a spork...
Cheryl: i'm done...sorry, delayed reaction.
* Cheryl: i have fillings...in my vagina...(i also have feelings in my vagina)
* Cheryl: *muffled* having my head in here reminds me of that San Francisco sex dungeon i went to...
* Lana: Archer...no ideas with Cheryl when she's in this vulnerable position, okay?
* Malory: ghosts or magnets, what doth life?
Malory: the only ghost is me...
* Archer: that's a pretty neato scanner you got there, it can do everything!
Krieger: thanks Obama Picard.
* Ray: so what was it like in there?
Cheryl: *munching down on some Wild Berry Froot Loops* oh yeah, so we're all in Archer's dream right now...
* Cyril: before we all eat, let us give grace to the Rain Replicant…*dove flies in space*...
* Krieger: i need a shitload of sanitizing wipes......i eat a lot of barbecue chicken...Kansas-City-style...
Pam: DIBS ON RIBS!!!
* Cyril: *dismissive laugh* what's with the gun?
Ray: it's a silver pistol, i'm doing my best Errol Flynn impression.
* Archer: want me to push you into this locker, Cyril?
Cyril: no, i'll take the foothole, high-school trauma is too much to bear again. i couldn't sing when the basketball players came over.
Archer: whoa! you're a space whore, Lana!
Lana: what the? i'm just wearing my office clothes!
Archer: i'm starting to see things.
Lana: i told you, Vanquish, not Vicodin.
* Michael Gray: i'm Tv's Michael Gray.
Archer: what's a tv?
Michael Gray: you know, i'm related to Linda Gray, the famed '80s voiceover artist?
Archer: like Care Bears?
Michael Gray: NOW we're communicating!
* Pam: wait, is the monster dreaming of Fat Coke Pam or is it the other way around?
* Lana: damn dude! i never thought this show would get so violent against women in this time! next time, let's just read the nudie magazine together! oh, and we're definitely getting a divorce!
* Adam Reed: let's slip in a couple of "space phrasing" jokes in this intense section to lighten the mood.
Pam: what's the code!!?
Krieger: my birthday! but i don't have a birthday! i'm a clone!
Cheryl: hey, so you're a Ken doll, right? no probs, just grow two penises...
* Pam: this is so sad. under other circumstances, i'd take that tit grab as a marriage proposal from you, Archer.
Archer: *weird eyes*
Pam: how do you like them apples?
Archer: Adam's apples?
* me: now we know this whole time MALORY was the one in charge!
Malory: HBIC...…...i don't even know what that millennial term means…
* spoiler: George Coe has been alive this whole time...
George Coe: spoiler: Archer was really Robert De Niro this whole time...
* well that got disturbing and uncomfortable at the end
* other candidates for this episode's title: "Ghost Cube", "Wake Up, Archer"
* not Elisha Cuthbert
* Pam: you're a buzzkill.
Lana: i can cut peaches on my ass. my buttocks is a buzzsaw.
* Cheryl: ambergris?
Archer: no that's that Bob's Burgers episode.
* a ranch tub was first featured on the Eric Andre Show...man do i want the Eric Andre Show to come back...
* Malory: ranch? oh you mean white cocktail sauce.
* Cyril: so this is the cube from that Filter video for "Welcome To the Fold".
Archer: i give you credit you know that.
Cyril: you can tell Adam Reed has a pen in his hand at all times writing these scripts, there is always much dialogue about pens.
Archer: penis?
Cyril: hey did you see the Rick + Morty Season 4 trailer i was in at Comic-Con this San Diego?
Archer: um, we weren't invited back to Comic Con. it's not looking good for Season 11...
* if the mirror smiles back at you, is it a mirror?...
* Krieger: throw a fork at it...okay it only works with a spork...
Cheryl: i'm done...sorry, delayed reaction.
* Cheryl: i have fillings...in my vagina...(i also have feelings in my vagina)
* Cheryl: *muffled* having my head in here reminds me of that San Francisco sex dungeon i went to...
* Lana: Archer...no ideas with Cheryl when she's in this vulnerable position, okay?
* Malory: ghosts or magnets, what doth life?
Malory: the only ghost is me...
* Archer: that's a pretty neato scanner you got there, it can do everything!
Krieger: thanks Obama Picard.
* Ray: so what was it like in there?
Cheryl: *munching down on some Wild Berry Froot Loops* oh yeah, so we're all in Archer's dream right now...
* Cyril: before we all eat, let us give grace to the Rain Replicant…*dove flies in space*...
* Krieger: i need a shitload of sanitizing wipes......i eat a lot of barbecue chicken...Kansas-City-style...
Pam: DIBS ON RIBS!!!
* Cyril: *dismissive laugh* what's with the gun?
Ray: it's a silver pistol, i'm doing my best Errol Flynn impression.
* Archer: want me to push you into this locker, Cyril?
Cyril: no, i'll take the foothole, high-school trauma is too much to bear again. i couldn't sing when the basketball players came over.
Archer: whoa! you're a space whore, Lana!
Lana: what the? i'm just wearing my office clothes!
Archer: i'm starting to see things.
Lana: i told you, Vanquish, not Vicodin.
* Michael Gray: i'm Tv's Michael Gray.
Archer: what's a tv?
Michael Gray: you know, i'm related to Linda Gray, the famed '80s voiceover artist?
Archer: like Care Bears?
Michael Gray: NOW we're communicating!
* Pam: wait, is the monster dreaming of Fat Coke Pam or is it the other way around?
* Lana: damn dude! i never thought this show would get so violent against women in this time! next time, let's just read the nudie magazine together! oh, and we're definitely getting a divorce!
* Adam Reed: let's slip in a couple of "space phrasing" jokes in this intense section to lighten the mood.
Pam: what's the code!!?
Krieger: my birthday! but i don't have a birthday! i'm a clone!
Cheryl: hey, so you're a Ken doll, right? no probs, just grow two penises...
* Pam: this is so sad. under other circumstances, i'd take that tit grab as a marriage proposal from you, Archer.
Archer: *weird eyes*
Pam: how do you like them apples?
Archer: Adam's apples?
* me: now we know this whole time MALORY was the one in charge!
Malory: HBIC...…...i don't even know what that millennial term means…
* spoiler: George Coe has been alive this whole time...
George Coe: spoiler: Archer was really Robert De Niro this whole time...
Thursday, July 18, 2019
Archer 1999 "Space Pirates"
notes:
* two more left. Adam Reed is giving us August so we can have that last gasp of summer at camp before fucking school starts.
* i know this cos they're reviving Bug Juice on Disney Channel...but now it's just a bunch of babies, none of that tween assault and battery and breaking and entering and illegal entry we had in Season 3...
* the D'in: the alien race should have been called the Suppressing Fire
* btw, have you noticed all alien races on space shows on tv all have that apostrophe in their name?
* Malory: the last time i drank beer, Picard ate pizza...
* Archer: after space travel and exploration, you want to go back to your 9-to-5s?
Lana: yeah, they raised the minimum wage to 15.
Krieger: i almost stopped Apollo 11...
* Archer: everyone on 3, SPACE PIRATES!!!
Pam: what do you think this is, space camp?
* Pam: btw, my tits are retractable.
Lana: i wish i had used that excuse when i was a tween.
* Archer: this group of aliens, are they important?
Cyril: for continuity, no, for the country, apparently not. you see all of this is your dream. you are one HEAVY sleeper.
Adam Reed: why did we even bother to name them?
Archer: so we dress up as them and speak their language. remember, NO ENGLISH.
Cyril: imagine the country as a utopia.
* Lana: please, show, don't turn me into a woman whose only purpose in life is to have babies. i'll even go back to angry black woman if i have to...
* this episode brought to you by Glade
* Cyril: hey, no gender-roles-switching on my watch!
Cheryl: Cheryl and Cyril, why didn't they think of this sooner? why don't you want me sexually-harassing you? look at me, i'm hot. is it cos it's the workplace?
Cyril: no, i'm saving myself for Lana. this show hasn't been a workplace since we had an office. remember when we were a spy show?
* Archer: it's okay, Lana, you can take off your shirt, we'll rub them out in editing.
* okay RAY! RAY FINALLY gets his moment to shine!
* Archer: ugh Ray! that's disgusting! you need to get off Instagram!
Ray: what? that's the first black hole ever photographed in the entire universe. i'm serious!
* Malory: you're breaking up...krrghghhghkekrkkr…
* Cyril: i mean, all they had to do was plug the hole in the Death Star, i could have done it myself.
Cheryl: with your junk? you'd at least need the double-dick of that white alien guy from before July 4th.
* Archer: lowercase a. a person who wields arrows…
* Lana: if a wild animal bites your finger, that means it likes you. no i'm serious, it wants to latch onto you...
* Archer: oh great here we go! the waning years of any sitcom, first you add the cousin from out-of-town, then you add the mascot…
Tom: hey, Toonami was saved by my slug mascot!
* Archer: look, i know this a bad situation, we're in the garbage. but these are French aliens, this is actually a giant bidet, how cool is that?
Cyril: THAT's what they're speaking?
Pam: i speak French, everytime i fuck.
* Archer: oh shit, my pet space ocelot brought backup. never has The Circle of Life been so scary.
Lana: i am NOT gonna sing the Lion King chant.
* writers room: um, how are we gonna maintain continuity with this one? one ocelot fine, but...
Adam Reed: i'm thinking hard reset for Season 11...
* we all know Pam's ex is Robert De Niro...
* two more left. Adam Reed is giving us August so we can have that last gasp of summer at camp before fucking school starts.
* i know this cos they're reviving Bug Juice on Disney Channel...but now it's just a bunch of babies, none of that tween assault and battery and breaking and entering and illegal entry we had in Season 3...
* the D'in: the alien race should have been called the Suppressing Fire
* btw, have you noticed all alien races on space shows on tv all have that apostrophe in their name?
* Malory: the last time i drank beer, Picard ate pizza...
* Archer: after space travel and exploration, you want to go back to your 9-to-5s?
Lana: yeah, they raised the minimum wage to 15.
Krieger: i almost stopped Apollo 11...
* Archer: everyone on 3, SPACE PIRATES!!!
Pam: what do you think this is, space camp?
* Pam: btw, my tits are retractable.
Lana: i wish i had used that excuse when i was a tween.
* Archer: this group of aliens, are they important?
Cyril: for continuity, no, for the country, apparently not. you see all of this is your dream. you are one HEAVY sleeper.
Adam Reed: why did we even bother to name them?
Archer: so we dress up as them and speak their language. remember, NO ENGLISH.
Cyril: imagine the country as a utopia.
* Lana: please, show, don't turn me into a woman whose only purpose in life is to have babies. i'll even go back to angry black woman if i have to...
* this episode brought to you by Glade
* Cyril: hey, no gender-roles-switching on my watch!
Cheryl: Cheryl and Cyril, why didn't they think of this sooner? why don't you want me sexually-harassing you? look at me, i'm hot. is it cos it's the workplace?
Cyril: no, i'm saving myself for Lana. this show hasn't been a workplace since we had an office. remember when we were a spy show?
* Archer: it's okay, Lana, you can take off your shirt, we'll rub them out in editing.
* okay RAY! RAY FINALLY gets his moment to shine!
* Archer: ugh Ray! that's disgusting! you need to get off Instagram!
Ray: what? that's the first black hole ever photographed in the entire universe. i'm serious!
* Malory: you're breaking up...krrghghhghkekrkkr…
* Cyril: i mean, all they had to do was plug the hole in the Death Star, i could have done it myself.
Cheryl: with your junk? you'd at least need the double-dick of that white alien guy from before July 4th.
* Archer: lowercase a. a person who wields arrows…
* Lana: if a wild animal bites your finger, that means it likes you. no i'm serious, it wants to latch onto you...
* Archer: oh great here we go! the waning years of any sitcom, first you add the cousin from out-of-town, then you add the mascot…
Tom: hey, Toonami was saved by my slug mascot!
* Archer: look, i know this a bad situation, we're in the garbage. but these are French aliens, this is actually a giant bidet, how cool is that?
Cyril: THAT's what they're speaking?
Pam: i speak French, everytime i fuck.
* Archer: oh shit, my pet space ocelot brought backup. never has The Circle of Life been so scary.
Lana: i am NOT gonna sing the Lion King chant.
* writers room: um, how are we gonna maintain continuity with this one? one ocelot fine, but...
Adam Reed: i'm thinking hard reset for Season 11...
* we all know Pam's ex is Robert De Niro...
Thursday, July 11, 2019
Archer 1999 "Road Trip"
notes:
* ROAD TRIP!!!
* i'm assuming this will be better than the movie...i never saw the movie...watching the Trapt music video for "Echo" is enough...that was Trapt's best song BY FAR
* spoilers: it is. takes awhile to warm up but it is
* Lana: i'm not angry, you're just dumb.
Archer: maraschino cherries?
Lana: nope. just the McDonald's cherries they put on those nutty sundaes.
* after the crash:
Archer: saved the lemon.
Lana: is that a swipe at my puckered asshole?
* Krieger: good news everyone!...Season 11!
* Krieger: eventually...
Lana: everything's eventually...
* Pam: you're a dick!
Archer: no you're a dick. like, you're a big dick, right?
Pam: no i'm a rock-monster thingee!
* Archer: what's your number?
Lana: my number?
Archer: your sleep number. measuring out our honeymoon suite.
* Ray: want me to freshen up your sour?
Malory: yes, please, dear, you're the sweetest. what flavor is this?
Ray: cake-flavored.
* Cyril: hey, at least i'm not as useless as Ray!
* you know one of the animators was figuring out Archer's hair with the mix-n-match palette and the model came back without hair and Adam Reed's like, "fuck it, i can't choose, just leave him bald..."
* Lana: well well well, we now know the cause of all of Archer's angsty assholery all these years: he's had lice in his hair this whole time!
* Archer: oh no. okay cancel the show then. we are NOT entertaining Beta Archer any longer!
rest of the world (and universe): we want the Beta Archer series! we want to learn poetry!
* Cyril: this is insane. this is impossible. this is illogical.
Krieger: put away your Vulcan ears. it's the multiverse.
Adam Reed: over my dead body will Joss Whedon ever touch this my creation!
* Cyril: hey this is like that Star Trek Final Earth Wars episode...
Archer: the 4400...always such an odd number...
Cyril: the Ood...oh, NOW i get it!
* Krieger: that was more gory than Attack on Titan!
Archer: you knew about the Nazi labor camp next door when you were working in your lab, right, Krieger?
Krieger: no! i swear! i was too self-absorbed to ever look up!
Archer: i believe him.
* Archer: i'm not only the president, i'm also a member.
Pam: member *chuckles*
Lana: this show of all shows, PLEASE don't turn me into the angry black woman!
Cheryl: so i'm gonna fuck my own doppelganger. anyone else? want to watch or join in?
Pam: missed opportunity: i could have seen how my Pam doppelganger looked this season without the rock monster!
* blue dinosaur: yes it's me! from the '80s cartoon you watched! remember? you bought my toy. you flushed my spiked horned helmet down the toilet...mom got so mad…
* The Culling: Wes Cullen, if you're out there, i love you, boy, i still think you can be the next Leo DiCaprio...
* Cheryl: The Culling...also known as the USWNT pee test...
* okay that was novel and cool. using the ship's rocket-fuel-launcher fire blasts to singe and incinerate the poor dinosaur's head off...
* Malory: we're gonna do business with the insurance company the Trump way...
* Archer: wait, that was a CLONE!!? that means Beta Archer is ME!!!
Lana: you have a soft spot, you're just acting in front of the camera. i'm not an idiot, that's why i married you.
Archer: what did you do with our wedding photo album? i need to confirm.
Lana: who keeps photo albums anymore?
* ROAD TRIP!!!
* i'm assuming this will be better than the movie...i never saw the movie...watching the Trapt music video for "Echo" is enough...that was Trapt's best song BY FAR
* spoilers: it is. takes awhile to warm up but it is
* Lana: i'm not angry, you're just dumb.
Archer: maraschino cherries?
Lana: nope. just the McDonald's cherries they put on those nutty sundaes.
* after the crash:
Archer: saved the lemon.
Lana: is that a swipe at my puckered asshole?
* Krieger: good news everyone!...Season 11!
* Krieger: eventually...
Lana: everything's eventually...
* Pam: you're a dick!
Archer: no you're a dick. like, you're a big dick, right?
Pam: no i'm a rock-monster thingee!
* Archer: what's your number?
Lana: my number?
Archer: your sleep number. measuring out our honeymoon suite.
* Ray: want me to freshen up your sour?
Malory: yes, please, dear, you're the sweetest. what flavor is this?
Ray: cake-flavored.
* Cyril: hey, at least i'm not as useless as Ray!
* you know one of the animators was figuring out Archer's hair with the mix-n-match palette and the model came back without hair and Adam Reed's like, "fuck it, i can't choose, just leave him bald..."
* Lana: well well well, we now know the cause of all of Archer's angsty assholery all these years: he's had lice in his hair this whole time!
* Archer: oh no. okay cancel the show then. we are NOT entertaining Beta Archer any longer!
rest of the world (and universe): we want the Beta Archer series! we want to learn poetry!
* Cyril: this is insane. this is impossible. this is illogical.
Krieger: put away your Vulcan ears. it's the multiverse.
Adam Reed: over my dead body will Joss Whedon ever touch this my creation!
* Cyril: hey this is like that Star Trek Final Earth Wars episode...
Archer: the 4400...always such an odd number...
Cyril: the Ood...oh, NOW i get it!
* Krieger: that was more gory than Attack on Titan!
Archer: you knew about the Nazi labor camp next door when you were working in your lab, right, Krieger?
Krieger: no! i swear! i was too self-absorbed to ever look up!
Archer: i believe him.
* Archer: i'm not only the president, i'm also a member.
Pam: member *chuckles*
Lana: this show of all shows, PLEASE don't turn me into the angry black woman!
Cheryl: so i'm gonna fuck my own doppelganger. anyone else? want to watch or join in?
Pam: missed opportunity: i could have seen how my Pam doppelganger looked this season without the rock monster!
* blue dinosaur: yes it's me! from the '80s cartoon you watched! remember? you bought my toy. you flushed my spiked horned helmet down the toilet...mom got so mad…
* The Culling: Wes Cullen, if you're out there, i love you, boy, i still think you can be the next Leo DiCaprio...
* Cheryl: The Culling...also known as the USWNT pee test...
* okay that was novel and cool. using the ship's rocket-fuel-launcher fire blasts to singe and incinerate the poor dinosaur's head off...
* Malory: we're gonna do business with the insurance company the Trump way...
* Archer: wait, that was a CLONE!!? that means Beta Archer is ME!!!
Lana: you have a soft spot, you're just acting in front of the camera. i'm not an idiot, that's why i married you.
Archer: what did you do with our wedding photo album? i need to confirm.
Lana: who keeps photo albums anymore?
Thursday, June 27, 2019
Archer 1999 "Mr. Deadly Goes to Town"
notes:
* okay, at first i thought the title was all wrong, should have been comes to play-on-words with cum or something and all the past 1930s film references, the ones starring Gregory Peck, but THEN i got it: see it takes me awhile to get things. now this is actually one of the most brilliant titles ever.
* Archer: you know i hate black holes! they make me think of Mother's vulva!
Archer: pencil-pusher! *throws pencil at Cyril*
Cyril: hey.
* Lana: IMMINENT DEATH sign...
Malory: relax, it's just one of those universal eternal-gravitation machines you see on the desks of all the heads of Fortune 500 companies, all of the Mad Men i slept with...i remember the florid smell of all their couches...
* Lana: don't do that! don't keep hitting the death-dust snowmen to make snow angels!
Krieger: i'm choking on my own death dust! this is the death-dust of my own clone! what a surreal experience!
* Mr. Deadly: i look like Pinhead without the pins...but i'm a walking pin in a grenade…
* Mr. Deadly: think of me as Deidara...in space.
Pam: you're not fooling anyone, dude, you can't reanimate a dead corpse.
* Adam Reed: turns out, not only didn't i write all the episodes this season, i wrote LESS THAN half of them! i really was like my character Ray this season: i just said fuck you to all the work and i'm eating my cake in my room! ALL the cake!
* Pam: Circuit Dick...
Krieger starts to cry.
Pam: sorry, dude.
Krieger: you just made me think of Circuit City…
* Mr. Deadly: i got bored...
Archer: that's the cause of all the misery in the world...and universe.
* Mr. Deadly: my destiny is to die.
Lana: that's the destiny of everyone.
Cheryl: is anyone else turned on right now?
Ray: wanna borrow my geisha fan?
* Archer: SPAGHETTIFICATION!!! what is it?
Pam: that's when you visit the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Archer: huh, um...…...actually, Pam, that is kinda technically correct.
Archer: TIME DILATION!!!
Pam: relax, dude, i'm not pregnant by you.
* Pam: i just like to eat spaghetti. it's a Jimmy Buffett thing.
* Malory: do androids dreams of electric sheep?
Krieger: only when they're plugged in i mean i'm plugged in.
Malory: what the hell have you been doing all this time in your secret lab??!
Krieger: trying to make Tang taste better. it's a lost cause.
* Krieger: okay, audience, here is the tennis ball i made which will feature as the deus-ex-machina bloody fish thing, i dunno, i fell asleep when they were discussing Hitchcock at Berkeley…
* Archer: if i'm such a loser, why'd you marry me?
Lana: i'm actually secretly in love with your mother. Malory's debasement of my race, ethnicity, and gender really turn me on. it's an ancient primal feeling i can't explain to you.
* Mr. Deadly: the ice cream's good, but do you have it in unicorn flavor? that butterfly had such a salty mouth cos it almost drowned at sea.
space pirates: they fact that we're gay make us MORE manly.
* space pirates: is this a kimono?
Ray: YAAAAAYYYY i'm finally gonna get a plot!
* Mr. Deadly: fine, let's do this. why are you holding up the peace sign? i told you i'm bad with gestures.
Cheryl: no, two cocks.
* Mr. Deadly: so you want to discuss our feelings now?
Cheryl: no, i fuck like a man. let me sleep now, supervisor!
Mr. Deadly: sorry about all the cum, i've been backed-up for like billions of years and it all just came out in one sitting.
Cheryl: tis my frothy morning vanilla shake.
* Mr. Deadly: what's your name?
Cheryl: i'm that mom in those shampoo commercials who butts into all of her neighbors' business. and especially her own daughter's business.
* Mr. Deadly: i can't believe you sacrificed your life to save mine. not all of humanity belongs in the space dump.
Lana: thank you but i kinda hoped Archer would have saved me after i jumped in front of you. oh well *sigh*
* Krieger: quick, Archer, throw the tennis ball!
Archer: i don't play anymore after the whole O.J. thing.
Malory: i'm cancelling your club membership, Sterling.
* Archer: we didn't cause that explosion and the loss of an entire civilization, right?
Krieger: actually, we were all on that space station that just exploded...
Cheryl: YAY the Fourth of July Fireworks came early!!!
* okay, at first i thought the title was all wrong, should have been comes to play-on-words with cum or something and all the past 1930s film references, the ones starring Gregory Peck, but THEN i got it: see it takes me awhile to get things. now this is actually one of the most brilliant titles ever.
* Archer: you know i hate black holes! they make me think of Mother's vulva!
Archer: pencil-pusher! *throws pencil at Cyril*
Cyril: hey.
* Lana: IMMINENT DEATH sign...
Malory: relax, it's just one of those universal eternal-gravitation machines you see on the desks of all the heads of Fortune 500 companies, all of the Mad Men i slept with...i remember the florid smell of all their couches...
* Lana: don't do that! don't keep hitting the death-dust snowmen to make snow angels!
Krieger: i'm choking on my own death dust! this is the death-dust of my own clone! what a surreal experience!
* Mr. Deadly: i look like Pinhead without the pins...but i'm a walking pin in a grenade…
* Mr. Deadly: think of me as Deidara...in space.
Pam: you're not fooling anyone, dude, you can't reanimate a dead corpse.
* Adam Reed: turns out, not only didn't i write all the episodes this season, i wrote LESS THAN half of them! i really was like my character Ray this season: i just said fuck you to all the work and i'm eating my cake in my room! ALL the cake!
* Pam: Circuit Dick...
Krieger starts to cry.
Pam: sorry, dude.
Krieger: you just made me think of Circuit City…
* Mr. Deadly: i got bored...
Archer: that's the cause of all the misery in the world...and universe.
* Mr. Deadly: my destiny is to die.
Lana: that's the destiny of everyone.
Cheryl: is anyone else turned on right now?
Ray: wanna borrow my geisha fan?
* Archer: SPAGHETTIFICATION!!! what is it?
Pam: that's when you visit the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Archer: huh, um...…...actually, Pam, that is kinda technically correct.
Archer: TIME DILATION!!!
Pam: relax, dude, i'm not pregnant by you.
* Pam: i just like to eat spaghetti. it's a Jimmy Buffett thing.
* Malory: do androids dreams of electric sheep?
Krieger: only when they're plugged in i mean i'm plugged in.
Malory: what the hell have you been doing all this time in your secret lab??!
Krieger: trying to make Tang taste better. it's a lost cause.
* Krieger: okay, audience, here is the tennis ball i made which will feature as the deus-ex-machina bloody fish thing, i dunno, i fell asleep when they were discussing Hitchcock at Berkeley…
* Archer: if i'm such a loser, why'd you marry me?
Lana: i'm actually secretly in love with your mother. Malory's debasement of my race, ethnicity, and gender really turn me on. it's an ancient primal feeling i can't explain to you.
* Mr. Deadly: the ice cream's good, but do you have it in unicorn flavor? that butterfly had such a salty mouth cos it almost drowned at sea.
space pirates: they fact that we're gay make us MORE manly.
* space pirates: is this a kimono?
Ray: YAAAAAYYYY i'm finally gonna get a plot!
* Mr. Deadly: fine, let's do this. why are you holding up the peace sign? i told you i'm bad with gestures.
Cheryl: no, two cocks.
* Mr. Deadly: so you want to discuss our feelings now?
Cheryl: no, i fuck like a man. let me sleep now, supervisor!
Mr. Deadly: sorry about all the cum, i've been backed-up for like billions of years and it all just came out in one sitting.
Cheryl: tis my frothy morning vanilla shake.
* Mr. Deadly: what's your name?
Cheryl: i'm that mom in those shampoo commercials who butts into all of her neighbors' business. and especially her own daughter's business.
* Mr. Deadly: i can't believe you sacrificed your life to save mine. not all of humanity belongs in the space dump.
Lana: thank you but i kinda hoped Archer would have saved me after i jumped in front of you. oh well *sigh*
* Krieger: quick, Archer, throw the tennis ball!
Archer: i don't play anymore after the whole O.J. thing.
Malory: i'm cancelling your club membership, Sterling.
* Archer: we didn't cause that explosion and the loss of an entire civilization, right?
Krieger: actually, we were all on that space station that just exploded...
Cheryl: YAY the Fourth of July Fireworks came early!!!
Thursday, June 20, 2019
Archer 1999 "Dining With The Zarglorp"
notes:
* okay Jillian Bell is cool and all, but THAT was Kate Winslet!
* imagine if that really was Kate Winslet providing the voice!
* Adam Reed: why didn't i have guest writers starting in Season 1!!? coulda made my life a WHOLE lot easier
* don't talk to me about the numbers, the numbers are going the wrong way...but then again, it doesn't really matter anymore, right?
* if The AV Club is willing to stick their necks out for this franchise they love more than their mothers and give this episode a C---a C!!!---you KNOW something went terribly wrong here.
* without reading the review, i'm thinking it goes something like this: guest writer tries to copy Adam Reed, it goes unsuccessfully...
* Cheryl: never write your own lyrics to songs. you can interpret the lyrics any way you want, but they must be the actual lyrics. also, if you use a reference, it HAS to be one you got from Wikipedia...
* Krieger: the space monster was here first...
* Cheryl: i left my purse in there! the one that made me Goth Carol!
Pam: when were you Goth Carol?
Cheryl: member? it was, like, way back in Season 2 or something.
Pam: right. when the show was still good and i wasn't a freak.
* Malory: i mean why don't i just fly away and never come back? why exactly do i keep staying with this crew?
Archer: cos you love me.
Malory: is there a drink in my hand?
Archer: no.
Malory: dammit!
Archer: anything can be a mixer...even my own mother's menstrual blood.
Adam Reed: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanddddddd we're canceled.
* Ray: i'm just gonna eat the cake, i don't care anymore, dammit!
Adam: pssst, Ray, come over here. *hushed tones* the cake is a lie...
* Captain Glenda Price: i am Glenda The Good Witch.
Lana: emphasis on witch.
* crew and Pam: you smell like a diaper's coffin.
Price: funny you should say that...
Pam: you're wearing a diaper right now?
Cheryl: i'm coming right over...
Price: my crewmember's diaper actually...in tribute...
* Lana: you're gonna die alone.
Archer: harsh.
Lana: cos you're gonna shoot me dead accidentally one day.
* Lana: don't bomb the Zarglorp like it's Iran.
Archer: too soon...actually, too negative-soon.
Pam: i feel sorry for the big guy in space, he has a tumor, he's dying of cancer anyway.
Archer: so......does that mean we die with it in cancer? or we can escape after he's died of cancer?
* Price: the program lisitng for this episode said i was a life coach.
Cyril: yeah, that didn't really pan out.
Price: what's your life like?
Cyril: in every cartoon i always play the put-upon beta male. but i get rich doing it, so
Price: would you like to kill yourself today?
Cyril: today?
* Krieger: yes, i murdered my own son. but i saved my friends to do it.
Adam: i begged the studio to hold off on this episode till after Father's Day.
Krieger Head: I was the master, YOU'RE the clone! you idiot! you can't replicate me anymore! the dream of The Army of Electric Blood is over!
* Cheryl: pros and cons......all pro athletes are cons...
* Price: what kind of streets do you like?
Cyril: is this for my porn name or...?
Price: no, for the slipknot. something about Disney animals frolicking in the forest. looky here! looks like we got a traitor on our hands onboard! a gorilla in our midsts!
Ray: hey. okay okay i promise to drink the real nonrehydrated milk the next time! it's just i like the powder cos it reminds me of cocaine.
Pam: *cries*
* Price: so, i'm a fraud. all those heroic tales i tell myself are to distract my subconscious from the shattering realization that I was the monster all along, not the Zarglorp. they are like what good-looking was to Ted Bundy.
Archer: it's okay, it's not your fault, you were suffering from space-madness, anybody else would have done the same...………………….can you imagine Dahmer in space?
* Price: i'm currently dead. any chance of the character making a reappearance?
Adam: Kate Winslet's schedule is booked till the Tokyo Olympics.
* Lana: you didn't post her last, dying-wish video? you're an asshole, Archer.
Archer: hey i DID post the video on youtube. it's an unlisted video but it's there.
* Cheryl/Carol: blink.....wait for long pause...fade to black credits…
* okay Jillian Bell is cool and all, but THAT was Kate Winslet!
* imagine if that really was Kate Winslet providing the voice!
* Adam Reed: why didn't i have guest writers starting in Season 1!!? coulda made my life a WHOLE lot easier
* don't talk to me about the numbers, the numbers are going the wrong way...but then again, it doesn't really matter anymore, right?
* if The AV Club is willing to stick their necks out for this franchise they love more than their mothers and give this episode a C---a C!!!---you KNOW something went terribly wrong here.
* without reading the review, i'm thinking it goes something like this: guest writer tries to copy Adam Reed, it goes unsuccessfully...
* Cheryl: never write your own lyrics to songs. you can interpret the lyrics any way you want, but they must be the actual lyrics. also, if you use a reference, it HAS to be one you got from Wikipedia...
* Krieger: the space monster was here first...
* Cheryl: i left my purse in there! the one that made me Goth Carol!
Pam: when were you Goth Carol?
Cheryl: member? it was, like, way back in Season 2 or something.
Pam: right. when the show was still good and i wasn't a freak.
* Malory: i mean why don't i just fly away and never come back? why exactly do i keep staying with this crew?
Archer: cos you love me.
Malory: is there a drink in my hand?
Archer: no.
Malory: dammit!
Archer: anything can be a mixer...even my own mother's menstrual blood.
Adam Reed: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanddddddd we're canceled.
* Ray: i'm just gonna eat the cake, i don't care anymore, dammit!
Adam: pssst, Ray, come over here. *hushed tones* the cake is a lie...
* Captain Glenda Price: i am Glenda The Good Witch.
Lana: emphasis on witch.
* crew and Pam: you smell like a diaper's coffin.
Price: funny you should say that...
Pam: you're wearing a diaper right now?
Cheryl: i'm coming right over...
Price: my crewmember's diaper actually...in tribute...
* Lana: you're gonna die alone.
Archer: harsh.
Lana: cos you're gonna shoot me dead accidentally one day.
* Lana: don't bomb the Zarglorp like it's Iran.
Archer: too soon...actually, too negative-soon.
Pam: i feel sorry for the big guy in space, he has a tumor, he's dying of cancer anyway.
Archer: so......does that mean we die with it in cancer? or we can escape after he's died of cancer?
* Price: the program lisitng for this episode said i was a life coach.
Cyril: yeah, that didn't really pan out.
Price: what's your life like?
Cyril: in every cartoon i always play the put-upon beta male. but i get rich doing it, so
Price: would you like to kill yourself today?
Cyril: today?
* Krieger: yes, i murdered my own son. but i saved my friends to do it.
Adam: i begged the studio to hold off on this episode till after Father's Day.
Krieger Head: I was the master, YOU'RE the clone! you idiot! you can't replicate me anymore! the dream of The Army of Electric Blood is over!
* Cheryl: pros and cons......all pro athletes are cons...
* Price: what kind of streets do you like?
Cyril: is this for my porn name or...?
Price: no, for the slipknot. something about Disney animals frolicking in the forest. looky here! looks like we got a traitor on our hands onboard! a gorilla in our midsts!
Ray: hey. okay okay i promise to drink the real nonrehydrated milk the next time! it's just i like the powder cos it reminds me of cocaine.
Pam: *cries*
* Price: so, i'm a fraud. all those heroic tales i tell myself are to distract my subconscious from the shattering realization that I was the monster all along, not the Zarglorp. they are like what good-looking was to Ted Bundy.
Archer: it's okay, it's not your fault, you were suffering from space-madness, anybody else would have done the same...………………….can you imagine Dahmer in space?
* Price: i'm currently dead. any chance of the character making a reappearance?
Adam: Kate Winslet's schedule is booked till the Tokyo Olympics.
* Lana: you didn't post her last, dying-wish video? you're an asshole, Archer.
Archer: hey i DID post the video on youtube. it's an unlisted video but it's there.
* Cheryl/Carol: blink.....wait for long pause...fade to black credits…
Thursday, June 13, 2019
Archer 1999 "The Leftovers"
notes:
* is this the first Archer episode NOT written by Adam? he did a good job, it was either a very-good imitation of Adam's writing or he did a good job all on his own, it's hard to tell
* Archer: haven't you ever wanted to fly using a jetpack when you were a little boy, Lana?
Lana: no. and that only works in the sky, not in the space sky.
* Cyril: there! there!
Archer: we can't see where you're pointing, dumbass!
Cyril: sure you can, aren't we all watching the same show?
* Archer: WAKE UP, PAM!!!
Pam: no, WAKE UP, ARCHER!!! can we PLEASE get back to the spying now?
* Archer: for sandwiches.
* Archer: why should i change now? i've been going hard and strong for 10 seasons!
Malory: have you seen the ratings? have you seen facebook? everyone hates us now, we aren't funny anymore, people have gotten sick of us.
guest writer: just to be clear, that is all ADAM's fault, i had nothing to do with the writing.
* Archer: i'm naming him Benedict.
Cheryl: cos he's cute like Cumberbatch, right? you want to eat him...or his eggs anyway. whole batch of eggs...i'll turn out to be the Arnold traitor in the end...
* Cyril: call me a party-pooper if you must but, like, you're eating this thing's babies, that's why it's so mad and feral and disgusting, think about it the next time you eat eggs, you're hurting that poor chicken's feelings.
* Krieger: *takes the pile of eggs* i'll FINALLY know what it's like to be a woman...
* Malory: why are you eating all the eggs?
Pam: facebook wants Cocaine Pam back.
* Lana: so you're just formaldehyde?
Malory: look at me. i'm a gilf, right? i'm still hot? i'm hot for my age?
Archer: definitely.
Malory: i haven't eaten anything since i did Follies on Broadway in 1934.
Archer: that's a long time ago cos this is 1999.
* Cyril: Jimmy Buffet's music is good.
Archer: no it is not! it never has been! it's just everybody listens to Jimmy Buffet music while they're drunk!
* Archer: you slept with Cyril?
Lana: yes.
Archer: did he keep his glasses on?
* Lana: we aren't funny anymore so we might as well attract viewers the old-fashioned way: with cartoon porn that is anything but old-fashioned.
guest writer: again, not my fault, i'm new here.
* Cheryl: i want to get eaten...not like that.
Krieger: seriously, what is wrong with you?
Cheryl: nothing. i just want to see the world burn.
Krieger: there won't be an Earth there when we get back home, huh?
Cheryl: you're welcome.
* Archer: it writes itself. "George Train Ran A Train Cos He Was Embarrassed Of His Middle Name Francis", there's your song title.
Ray: nothing writes itself! you know how long it took Lin-Manuel to write Hamilton?
Archer: there's no way that guy wrote that. you take one look at him and you know something stinks. William Shakespeare wrote Hamilton.
* Archer: i can't no more.
Lana: i said i wanted to jump your bones.
Archer: yeah but not literally! my ejaculate is literally dust! i am literally a skeleton! i can't conceive a child anymore! i thought this wasn't possible but you've oversexed me!
Lana: *crying* i'm thinking of Little Baby Seamus. he's still out there somewhere floating in space?
Archer: *crying* yep. and he ain't so little...
* Archer: WHY'D YOU KILL BENEDICT!!?
Cheryl: you said that musical sucked! stop yelling at me, you're not my supervisor!
Lana: Cheryl, you know that isn't your mucus, right? that's rubber cement.
Pam: you can't cook with rubber cement.
Cheryl: *stirring* give it a few minutes, the reduction will be ready in a moment.
* Pam: Patton eat my nuts!
Cyril: your nuts are bigger than mine.
Pam: i have a cloaca, it's just you can't see it cos it's a stone cloaca.
Archer: the best George S was Clinton, she had the stones to be prez.
* Archer: which minor character exploded just now?
Lana: Archer.
Archer: ouch. i'd rather be dead than a beta.
* is this the first Archer episode NOT written by Adam? he did a good job, it was either a very-good imitation of Adam's writing or he did a good job all on his own, it's hard to tell
* Archer: haven't you ever wanted to fly using a jetpack when you were a little boy, Lana?
Lana: no. and that only works in the sky, not in the space sky.
* Cyril: there! there!
Archer: we can't see where you're pointing, dumbass!
Cyril: sure you can, aren't we all watching the same show?
* Archer: WAKE UP, PAM!!!
Pam: no, WAKE UP, ARCHER!!! can we PLEASE get back to the spying now?
* Archer: for sandwiches.
* Archer: why should i change now? i've been going hard and strong for 10 seasons!
Malory: have you seen the ratings? have you seen facebook? everyone hates us now, we aren't funny anymore, people have gotten sick of us.
guest writer: just to be clear, that is all ADAM's fault, i had nothing to do with the writing.
* Archer: i'm naming him Benedict.
Cheryl: cos he's cute like Cumberbatch, right? you want to eat him...or his eggs anyway. whole batch of eggs...i'll turn out to be the Arnold traitor in the end...
* Cyril: call me a party-pooper if you must but, like, you're eating this thing's babies, that's why it's so mad and feral and disgusting, think about it the next time you eat eggs, you're hurting that poor chicken's feelings.
* Krieger: *takes the pile of eggs* i'll FINALLY know what it's like to be a woman...
* Malory: why are you eating all the eggs?
Pam: facebook wants Cocaine Pam back.
* Lana: so you're just formaldehyde?
Malory: look at me. i'm a gilf, right? i'm still hot? i'm hot for my age?
Archer: definitely.
Malory: i haven't eaten anything since i did Follies on Broadway in 1934.
Archer: that's a long time ago cos this is 1999.
* Cyril: Jimmy Buffet's music is good.
Archer: no it is not! it never has been! it's just everybody listens to Jimmy Buffet music while they're drunk!
* Archer: you slept with Cyril?
Lana: yes.
Archer: did he keep his glasses on?
* Lana: we aren't funny anymore so we might as well attract viewers the old-fashioned way: with cartoon porn that is anything but old-fashioned.
guest writer: again, not my fault, i'm new here.
* Cheryl: i want to get eaten...not like that.
Krieger: seriously, what is wrong with you?
Cheryl: nothing. i just want to see the world burn.
Krieger: there won't be an Earth there when we get back home, huh?
Cheryl: you're welcome.
* Archer: it writes itself. "George Train Ran A Train Cos He Was Embarrassed Of His Middle Name Francis", there's your song title.
Ray: nothing writes itself! you know how long it took Lin-Manuel to write Hamilton?
Archer: there's no way that guy wrote that. you take one look at him and you know something stinks. William Shakespeare wrote Hamilton.
* Archer: i can't no more.
Lana: i said i wanted to jump your bones.
Archer: yeah but not literally! my ejaculate is literally dust! i am literally a skeleton! i can't conceive a child anymore! i thought this wasn't possible but you've oversexed me!
Lana: *crying* i'm thinking of Little Baby Seamus. he's still out there somewhere floating in space?
Archer: *crying* yep. and he ain't so little...
* Archer: WHY'D YOU KILL BENEDICT!!?
Cheryl: you said that musical sucked! stop yelling at me, you're not my supervisor!
Lana: Cheryl, you know that isn't your mucus, right? that's rubber cement.
Pam: you can't cook with rubber cement.
Cheryl: *stirring* give it a few minutes, the reduction will be ready in a moment.
* Pam: Patton eat my nuts!
Cyril: your nuts are bigger than mine.
Pam: i have a cloaca, it's just you can't see it cos it's a stone cloaca.
Archer: the best George S was Clinton, she had the stones to be prez.
* Archer: which minor character exploded just now?
Lana: Archer.
Archer: ouch. i'd rather be dead than a beta.
Thursday, June 6, 2019
Archer 1999 "Happy Borthday"
notes:
* Bort: wouldn't it have been less confusing to name it Bortday? my name is Bort, not Borth. i do like broth tho. broth with bones in it. i'd just like to take this time to give a shout-out to all the veterans, D Day stemmed the tide and made it possible for the Earth to eventually conquer my planet. and believe me, my planet deserved it.
* that's a real date but not a real time...
* Pam: like if i had to be a creature, why not those cute Star Wars crystal ewoks or something?
* EMP=electrodance moshing party!
* Barry 6: i have a huge range of many emotions, it's just i was born with the wrong face...
* Archer: holy shitsnacks! IT'S ROBOT CHICKEN!!!
Seth Green: i don't want to talk about recent events.
Archer: Jesus Hannibal Christ.
Barry: wait, Jesus's middle name is Hannibal? that explains so much.
Archer: yeah, the whole Eat the Body of Me thing.
* Barry: wait, who has the nuclear football now?
Archer: someone who never played football...
* Archer: so i have an Oedipus complicated thing with my mom or something, so don't mind all the cum everywhere as i watch this fight.
Malory: quick, Sterling, use the cum to lube your wrists out of the cuffs!
* Archer: why'd you do it, Mother!!?
Malory: you've been peacocking in front of me your whole life, Sterling, it's mama's turn!!!
* Pam: my boner smells. but it makes sense, right? cos it's all about going to the bathroom...
* Barry: lose the armor, too, ladies, let's keep this GOT-realistic, gotta fill the void now.
* Krieger: wow, robot cum tastes like milk! did Philip K. Dick know about this? come to think of it, i look EXACTLY like Philip K. Dick!
Archer: Krieger, eat a bag of a buffet of dicks.
Krieger: yep yep yep. in fact i just may BE Philip K. Dick! who's the clone and who's the master here!!!?
* Barry: weenie roast.
Archer: remember the KROQ Weenie Roast in Los Angeles in the '80s? good times, good times, simpler times, nostalgic times.
Barry: you were alive then?
Archer: sure, i auditioned for Filmation He-Man and got a callback. one callback.
Malory: WAKE UP, ARCHER, YOU'RE DREAMING!!!
* Archer: so, do you teabag?
green alien babe: yes. but you can only do it once.
Archer: congratulations on the Asian representation on tv.
green alien babe: what, just cos i'm green you think i make green tea?
* Archer: it's all in the delivery.
Barry: thanks Jeff Bezos.
Archer: can't blame Jeff Bezos for everything.
* Ray: i better not just be eating cake this season. now i know how it feels to be a female character on any tv show.
* Malory: a mudslide with tits.
Pam: *after crying* wait, is that like a cocktail or something?
* Bort: why do i feel like Ricky Schroder from Silver Spoons in the '80s?
* Barry's subordinate: joke's on you, boss, i can't die.
* Archer: cereal brings people together. worked for the Alien crew after that one dude lost a stomach.
silence
Archer: my mother touched my cock!
stunned silence
Pam: this is like that stunned silence Ricky Gervais elicited when he talked about rape in The Office.
* Pam: you know how at the end of every one of our episodes, there's this strange long pause of, like, 15 seconds? what is that?
* Durant: it's over. sorry, guys.
* Bort: wouldn't it have been less confusing to name it Bortday? my name is Bort, not Borth. i do like broth tho. broth with bones in it. i'd just like to take this time to give a shout-out to all the veterans, D Day stemmed the tide and made it possible for the Earth to eventually conquer my planet. and believe me, my planet deserved it.
* that's a real date but not a real time...
* Pam: like if i had to be a creature, why not those cute Star Wars crystal ewoks or something?
* EMP=electrodance moshing party!
* Barry 6: i have a huge range of many emotions, it's just i was born with the wrong face...
* Archer: holy shitsnacks! IT'S ROBOT CHICKEN!!!
Seth Green: i don't want to talk about recent events.
Archer: Jesus Hannibal Christ.
Barry: wait, Jesus's middle name is Hannibal? that explains so much.
Archer: yeah, the whole Eat the Body of Me thing.
* Barry: wait, who has the nuclear football now?
Archer: someone who never played football...
* Archer: so i have an Oedipus complicated thing with my mom or something, so don't mind all the cum everywhere as i watch this fight.
Malory: quick, Sterling, use the cum to lube your wrists out of the cuffs!
* Archer: why'd you do it, Mother!!?
Malory: you've been peacocking in front of me your whole life, Sterling, it's mama's turn!!!
* Pam: my boner smells. but it makes sense, right? cos it's all about going to the bathroom...
* Barry: lose the armor, too, ladies, let's keep this GOT-realistic, gotta fill the void now.
* Krieger: wow, robot cum tastes like milk! did Philip K. Dick know about this? come to think of it, i look EXACTLY like Philip K. Dick!
Archer: Krieger, eat a bag of a buffet of dicks.
Krieger: yep yep yep. in fact i just may BE Philip K. Dick! who's the clone and who's the master here!!!?
* Barry: weenie roast.
Archer: remember the KROQ Weenie Roast in Los Angeles in the '80s? good times, good times, simpler times, nostalgic times.
Barry: you were alive then?
Archer: sure, i auditioned for Filmation He-Man and got a callback. one callback.
Malory: WAKE UP, ARCHER, YOU'RE DREAMING!!!
* Archer: so, do you teabag?
green alien babe: yes. but you can only do it once.
Archer: congratulations on the Asian representation on tv.
green alien babe: what, just cos i'm green you think i make green tea?
* Archer: it's all in the delivery.
Barry: thanks Jeff Bezos.
Archer: can't blame Jeff Bezos for everything.
* Ray: i better not just be eating cake this season. now i know how it feels to be a female character on any tv show.
* Malory: a mudslide with tits.
Pam: *after crying* wait, is that like a cocktail or something?
* Bort: why do i feel like Ricky Schroder from Silver Spoons in the '80s?
* Barry's subordinate: joke's on you, boss, i can't die.
* Archer: cereal brings people together. worked for the Alien crew after that one dude lost a stomach.
silence
Archer: my mother touched my cock!
stunned silence
Pam: this is like that stunned silence Ricky Gervais elicited when he talked about rape in The Office.
* Pam: you know how at the end of every one of our episodes, there's this strange long pause of, like, 15 seconds? what is that?
* Durant: it's over. sorry, guys.
Thursday, May 30, 2019
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
Doctor Who "Resolution"
notes:
* Chibnall: SEE I TOLD YOU!!! I FUCKING TOLD YOU!!! I'M A GENIUS!!! i done sumpin Steve and that other gay writer who came before never dreamt of, the first Doctor Who New Year's Special. those other blokes were wringing their hands trying to force-fit their brilliant Doctor Who story into a craven Christmas theme and it never worked out cos this show is too dark for all that. now i'm free of that bird box.
Yas: well you did have to include a lot of New Year's stuff like the fireworks...
Chibnall: yeah but that's cos this is new, next year's will just be a straight story.
RTD: not cool, man.
Chibnall: plus i get to have my explosions in a holiday special! you can't have death and destruction at Christmastime!
* narrator: a long time ago...in a galaxy far far away...not a tv ad for Trivago island vacations...
Graham: hey you that annoying Hunter x Hunter narrator bloke everyone hates, get outta here!
* narrator: during the Braveheart years, before everyone knew Mel was a hot mess in the head, the only problems Earth had to deal with was a tiny little Krang too big for his metal britches. this Dalek cried all the time cos his only casing was Pampers diapers. Conan the Barbarian did his part, Aquaman of course did his part, but tiny little Robin Hood was a little too cocky for his britches which were put on too tight by Maid Marian after lovemaking cos she claimed he put on her chastity belt too tight on her, and Robin was felled by his own arrow.
* highway robbers: that's it? you ain't got no gold? are you sure we nabbed the real Robin Hood?
Robin Hood: hi guys, this arrow in me really hurts but i'm trying to act tough to counter my image. i'm Robin Hood but i'm Bryan Adams.
highway robbers: that's the worst Robin Hood! where's the gold?
Bryan Adams: well i punched it into dust to counter my image and i hear it's good as a powder for my acne.
* Lin: before we start, i'm definitely more famous than you in the British soap world or something, i can just tell.
Mitch: …
Lin: your name can't be Mitch, it must be short for a long unpronounceable Indian name.
Mitch: you're incredibly attracted to me simply becauise i'm Indian, right?
Lin: yes. as you can see i'm a boring white girl from the trackie flats, i need dark and swarthy to excite me.
Mitch: so that kiss we had...
Lin: i mean you told me you had something caught in your teeth and wanted me to get it out of your mouth with my tongue cos you said i had a weird smile, completely platonic and scientific. i dunno…
Mitch: think about it. i'm taking off my lab coat now...
Lin: don't, this area is hazardous.
Mitch: no, for the sex. we can only do it here cos i live in the streets. i'm a college student.
Lin: i've never done it with a real college student. i'm a dinosaur fan ever since Barney with no degree, still gotta take the SATs. i live with my mum.
Mitch: i'm an amateur paleontologist, i study the oldness of when Dctor Who was good in the '70s...
* Ryan: oh wow, look at these fireworks!
The Doctor: solar fireworks, space fireworks. everytime you see an explosion light up the barren black of space sky, another centuries-old civilization is gone forever from the outer rim.
Graham: hey Doc, wanna pull my Christmas cracker?...
Yas: where to next, Doctor?
Doctor: Sheffield.
Graham: fuck Sheffield.
* Doctor: word of warning, the TARDIS doesn't do well when we're just traveling in and around Sheffield.
Graham: as the bus driver, i was proud to make the Sheffield streets clogged for generations to come.
Mitch: i'm the romantic in this pairing, you're the Scully.
Lin: you're making me go spare.
Mitch: so you fancy me Prince Harry?
Lin: remove that Hamlet skull form your clutches, you're no actor.
Mitch: holy fuck it's the TARDIS! what up, guys?!!
Doctor: take me to your leader.
Mitch: Lin is my queen.
Doctor: fast learner this one.
* Lin: what are you? you're like, a small harmless Kraken? a Krang?
Dalek: hey, i was slumbering for a billion years when this arrow woke me up. the arrow was my only sexual companion for eons, you know how humiliating that is? i'm a man! i'm a warmonger!
Bryan Adams: right? it's hard to cultivate an image when the public already sees you one way as one thing.
Doctor: hey Dalek, wanna trade vibrators? there's a path to peace. ew, what's with all this goo on my fingers?
Graham: one night with the Doctor in her new form...
* Doctor: good news, we're home. bad news, we're gonna have to land the TARDIS inside your flat. your flat will be destroyed.
Ryan: that's okay, my dad will always buy me another flat.
Doctor: is that the intruder-alert signal?
Graham: the doorbell, love? yeah i suppose it is. it's a Ring Doorbell that allows you to see who the porch pirate is.
Ryan: DAD, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!! *goes to hug his dad*
Graham: wrong number.
Ryan's dad Aaron: yeah it really was a wrong number, lad. i was selling here by mistake. had no idea you lived here.
* Ryan: dad hug me! i can't properly hug cos of my hand.
Aaron: too much masturbation, son?
* Yas: it's complicated.
Doctor: fathers are. i never had a father, i just sort of appeared from thin air one day. now that i'm a girl who am i gonna marry if i don't have a father for my boyfriend to copy?
Yas: you can tell me anything. did your father hurt you?
Doctor: what are you supposed to do when God makes fun of you?
* Ryan: so does anyone know a quiet coffee shop where we can catch up?
Yas: there's a Dave & Buster's around the corner but the Jurassic Park VR interactive video-game game is gone.
Aaron: i once sold a T Rex a pair of those Steven Universe limb enchancers…
* Lin's mom: pet, you want tea? i'm afraid it's only gonna be tea this time, not food.
Lin: it's okay mom, don't bother me in the bathroom, i'm pregnant.
Dalek: i've surrounded your whole body.
Lin: i swear if you unhook my bra i'll punch you in the nose with my screaming fist.
Dalek: i don't have a nose. Doctor Who Nose.
* Doctor: Ryan's dad, you were a bitch at the funeral. for no-showing.
Aaron: what the fuck. why are you so cutthroat without any of the human social lubricants for easing faults to be polite?
Dalek to Lin: resistance is futile!
Doctor: yeah, the Dalek got me inspired, apparently i'm sill learning to be human, i'm like Data with the social foibles and no finesse.
* Lin: it's very hard to drive this way.
Dalek: with me inside your vagina?
Lin: no, i'm driving on the wrong side of the road.
police bobby: love, you know how fast you were driving?
Lin: but it's an F1 race course.
police bobby: unless you're a walk-on girl i'm gonna have to write you up.
Lin: they discontinued that sexist practice in darts a month ago!
bobby's partner: bloody hell, my partner's feet are up getting swallowed by another driver's-seat window again, he just can't keep his grubby fingers off the female rulebreakers!
Lin: i tried to kill the man and have you the female the hero but the Dalek wanted none of that, sorry.
female bobby: it's okay, i still have my heroin. where's a brave cop when you need it? where's Yas?
* Ryan: don't mess this up for me, dad, this will be the finest acting i ever do...possibly ever, who knows if i'll get more scripts after this dismal gig.
Chibnall: FINALLY! no more stupid space timey-wimey stuff, straight Broadchurch drama, my cup of tea!
Aaron: is this how you talk to your dad?
Ryan: you punched me in the hand and gave me dyspraxia.
Aaron: i know, son, but that's the drugs talking. not me. i'm a con man. but what's the best part of that word?: man. i'm a man! who roots for Man! i sold ice to an eskimo. wanna buy a microwave that pops popcorn?
Ryan: dad, no one eats microwave popcorn anymore! everyone goes to the theatre for popcorn, everyone knows that! great! your acting supplanted mine!
Aaron: well of course it did, son, don't you recognize me? i'm Idris Fucking Elba!
* Mitch: it's a running joke between us, she always keeps her phone on, she's an instareplyer.
Yas: so you're saying your new girlfriend is desperate?
Mitch: my girlfriend can't run...
Doctor: i dunno, isn't it better to be that than somone who never answers texts?
Graham: yeah Doc, you've never answered any of my risky texts to you.
* Aaron: what's with this brown cardboard box?
Graham: my attempt at the Bird Box Challenge. look at all these crayon drawings from the '80s.
Aaron: i drew these as a kid?
Graham: no i crayoned all these now. in 2019.
Aaron: but they look like some kid drew them.
* Graham: in English, Doc. i mean in British.
Doctor: psychopathic squishy alien, not cute. let me get help.
operator: hello, this is Janine Melnitz, how may i direct your call?
Doctor: Numbnuts? why is your voice so nasally, is it the connection?
Janine: this is my actual voice, this is how all New Yawk women speak. we all chew gum while we're on the phone, too. can't help you, there's a government shutdown due to Brexit.
me, Phoenix: even as a lowly American bloke i could sense the heavy enormity and force of this joke.
Doctor: hey, we British made fun of Trump in the last one, so...
* Doctor: so...i'm afraid...Brexit…
Graham: but Brexit is impossible.
Doctor: *eyes light up* wait! Brexit is The Impossible Child!
Graham: yeah! the child who can never get its way!
* Dalek Lin: *in vocoder voice* i am a better blacksmith than the Doctor! i don't make vibrators!
blacksmith: oi mate, what are you...
Dalek Lin: Dalek...
blacksmith: there's no Daylight Savings Time in Brexit Britain! why did you kill me!?
Dalek Lin: my scan says you look like Ben Roethlisberger. don't ever do that to a man in practice, what you told Antonio Brown to do was humiliating and cost the Steelers the season. can't you show up people with just your big head? and therefore never send to know for whom the Le'Veon Bell tolls, it tolls for thee.
* Doctor: *does a spin* check me out. you still don't know who i am?
Dalek: scanning......two vaginas...
Doctor: oi mate i am a feminist for sure!
* Dalek: what is this? what have you done to me?
Doctor: it's just a hologram.
Dalek: oh, okay, i thought i was dead. cos when i think of holograms i think of Tupac.
* Dalek: your puny weapons can't injure me! i got the nuclear football!
army: quick! call President Trump! he'll save the world!
Dalek: the code is binary, Trump's only into threesomes. now hold still while i give each of you nice soldiers your X-ray...we've got to see what's wrong with you...
* Doctor: i know your weakness, we used to be friends, remember?
Dalek: …
Doctor: you took me out on a date once on Skaro.
Dalek: okay i confess! i can't resist microwave popcorn!
Doctor: do it, Ryan's dad! save the day!
Dalek: i'm melting! melting without water!
Dalek: i confess! i took the Doctor to go see The Terminator, that's where i learned all my gun-holding moves from!
* Ryan: dad, don't make me say i love you.
Aaron: you just did. i am the best con.
Ryan: hey, pretty good with my dyspraxic hand, you reckon?
Doctor: oh yeah, Ryan, i forgot you had that. your dad is still a putz tho. i got skid marks, the good skid, the sliding kind. my New Year's Resolution is to have more Doctor Who in 2019...
* Ryan: don't worry, pops, the Fam will take good care of me.
Aaron: i have no son, i'm a con man, onto the next. thank u, next. hello, pretty lady, would you like for me to sell you on how to become a man again?
Doctor: uh, no thanks.
Aaron: i'm gonna join UNIT cos i have the biggest unit.
Lin: i was gonna date you but this is Idris Fucking Elba, you know? i'm a white girl.
Mitch: i get it. so, Fam, room in that TARDIS for one more?
Yas: well yes, technically, spatially dimension-wise, but there simply cannot dramatically be a Fourth Companion, right, Chibnall?
Chibnall gives Yas the middle finger.
* Chibnall: what!? where are my ratings for this they should be through the roof! it was a riproaring adventure, it's the best thing i've ever written, i used a Dalek to ENSURE success!
Doctor: yeah this New Year's thing is weird, it's like the stations take THIS WHOLE WEEK off as vacation, everything starts back again Jan 7. everyone is still on vacation, not watching tv, no ratings registered...
* Chibnall: SEE I TOLD YOU!!! I FUCKING TOLD YOU!!! I'M A GENIUS!!! i done sumpin Steve and that other gay writer who came before never dreamt of, the first Doctor Who New Year's Special. those other blokes were wringing their hands trying to force-fit their brilliant Doctor Who story into a craven Christmas theme and it never worked out cos this show is too dark for all that. now i'm free of that bird box.
Yas: well you did have to include a lot of New Year's stuff like the fireworks...
Chibnall: yeah but that's cos this is new, next year's will just be a straight story.
RTD: not cool, man.
Chibnall: plus i get to have my explosions in a holiday special! you can't have death and destruction at Christmastime!
* narrator: a long time ago...in a galaxy far far away...not a tv ad for Trivago island vacations...
Graham: hey you that annoying Hunter x Hunter narrator bloke everyone hates, get outta here!
* narrator: during the Braveheart years, before everyone knew Mel was a hot mess in the head, the only problems Earth had to deal with was a tiny little Krang too big for his metal britches. this Dalek cried all the time cos his only casing was Pampers diapers. Conan the Barbarian did his part, Aquaman of course did his part, but tiny little Robin Hood was a little too cocky for his britches which were put on too tight by Maid Marian after lovemaking cos she claimed he put on her chastity belt too tight on her, and Robin was felled by his own arrow.
* highway robbers: that's it? you ain't got no gold? are you sure we nabbed the real Robin Hood?
Robin Hood: hi guys, this arrow in me really hurts but i'm trying to act tough to counter my image. i'm Robin Hood but i'm Bryan Adams.
highway robbers: that's the worst Robin Hood! where's the gold?
Bryan Adams: well i punched it into dust to counter my image and i hear it's good as a powder for my acne.
* Lin: before we start, i'm definitely more famous than you in the British soap world or something, i can just tell.
Mitch: …
Lin: your name can't be Mitch, it must be short for a long unpronounceable Indian name.
Mitch: you're incredibly attracted to me simply becauise i'm Indian, right?
Lin: yes. as you can see i'm a boring white girl from the trackie flats, i need dark and swarthy to excite me.
Mitch: so that kiss we had...
Lin: i mean you told me you had something caught in your teeth and wanted me to get it out of your mouth with my tongue cos you said i had a weird smile, completely platonic and scientific. i dunno…
Mitch: think about it. i'm taking off my lab coat now...
Lin: don't, this area is hazardous.
Mitch: no, for the sex. we can only do it here cos i live in the streets. i'm a college student.
Lin: i've never done it with a real college student. i'm a dinosaur fan ever since Barney with no degree, still gotta take the SATs. i live with my mum.
Mitch: i'm an amateur paleontologist, i study the oldness of when Dctor Who was good in the '70s...
* Ryan: oh wow, look at these fireworks!
The Doctor: solar fireworks, space fireworks. everytime you see an explosion light up the barren black of space sky, another centuries-old civilization is gone forever from the outer rim.
Graham: hey Doc, wanna pull my Christmas cracker?...
Yas: where to next, Doctor?
Doctor: Sheffield.
Graham: fuck Sheffield.
* Doctor: word of warning, the TARDIS doesn't do well when we're just traveling in and around Sheffield.
Graham: as the bus driver, i was proud to make the Sheffield streets clogged for generations to come.
Mitch: i'm the romantic in this pairing, you're the Scully.
Lin: you're making me go spare.
Mitch: so you fancy me Prince Harry?
Lin: remove that Hamlet skull form your clutches, you're no actor.
Mitch: holy fuck it's the TARDIS! what up, guys?!!
Doctor: take me to your leader.
Mitch: Lin is my queen.
Doctor: fast learner this one.
* Lin: what are you? you're like, a small harmless Kraken? a Krang?
Dalek: hey, i was slumbering for a billion years when this arrow woke me up. the arrow was my only sexual companion for eons, you know how humiliating that is? i'm a man! i'm a warmonger!
Bryan Adams: right? it's hard to cultivate an image when the public already sees you one way as one thing.
Doctor: hey Dalek, wanna trade vibrators? there's a path to peace. ew, what's with all this goo on my fingers?
Graham: one night with the Doctor in her new form...
* Doctor: good news, we're home. bad news, we're gonna have to land the TARDIS inside your flat. your flat will be destroyed.
Ryan: that's okay, my dad will always buy me another flat.
Doctor: is that the intruder-alert signal?
Graham: the doorbell, love? yeah i suppose it is. it's a Ring Doorbell that allows you to see who the porch pirate is.
Ryan: DAD, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!! *goes to hug his dad*
Graham: wrong number.
Ryan's dad Aaron: yeah it really was a wrong number, lad. i was selling here by mistake. had no idea you lived here.
* Ryan: dad hug me! i can't properly hug cos of my hand.
Aaron: too much masturbation, son?
* Yas: it's complicated.
Doctor: fathers are. i never had a father, i just sort of appeared from thin air one day. now that i'm a girl who am i gonna marry if i don't have a father for my boyfriend to copy?
Yas: you can tell me anything. did your father hurt you?
Doctor: what are you supposed to do when God makes fun of you?
* Ryan: so does anyone know a quiet coffee shop where we can catch up?
Yas: there's a Dave & Buster's around the corner but the Jurassic Park VR interactive video-game game is gone.
Aaron: i once sold a T Rex a pair of those Steven Universe limb enchancers…
* Lin's mom: pet, you want tea? i'm afraid it's only gonna be tea this time, not food.
Lin: it's okay mom, don't bother me in the bathroom, i'm pregnant.
Dalek: i've surrounded your whole body.
Lin: i swear if you unhook my bra i'll punch you in the nose with my screaming fist.
Dalek: i don't have a nose. Doctor Who Nose.
* Doctor: Ryan's dad, you were a bitch at the funeral. for no-showing.
Aaron: what the fuck. why are you so cutthroat without any of the human social lubricants for easing faults to be polite?
Dalek to Lin: resistance is futile!
Doctor: yeah, the Dalek got me inspired, apparently i'm sill learning to be human, i'm like Data with the social foibles and no finesse.
* Lin: it's very hard to drive this way.
Dalek: with me inside your vagina?
Lin: no, i'm driving on the wrong side of the road.
police bobby: love, you know how fast you were driving?
Lin: but it's an F1 race course.
police bobby: unless you're a walk-on girl i'm gonna have to write you up.
Lin: they discontinued that sexist practice in darts a month ago!
bobby's partner: bloody hell, my partner's feet are up getting swallowed by another driver's-seat window again, he just can't keep his grubby fingers off the female rulebreakers!
Lin: i tried to kill the man and have you the female the hero but the Dalek wanted none of that, sorry.
female bobby: it's okay, i still have my heroin. where's a brave cop when you need it? where's Yas?
* Ryan: don't mess this up for me, dad, this will be the finest acting i ever do...possibly ever, who knows if i'll get more scripts after this dismal gig.
Chibnall: FINALLY! no more stupid space timey-wimey stuff, straight Broadchurch drama, my cup of tea!
Aaron: is this how you talk to your dad?
Ryan: you punched me in the hand and gave me dyspraxia.
Aaron: i know, son, but that's the drugs talking. not me. i'm a con man. but what's the best part of that word?: man. i'm a man! who roots for Man! i sold ice to an eskimo. wanna buy a microwave that pops popcorn?
Ryan: dad, no one eats microwave popcorn anymore! everyone goes to the theatre for popcorn, everyone knows that! great! your acting supplanted mine!
Aaron: well of course it did, son, don't you recognize me? i'm Idris Fucking Elba!
* Mitch: it's a running joke between us, she always keeps her phone on, she's an instareplyer.
Yas: so you're saying your new girlfriend is desperate?
Mitch: my girlfriend can't run...
Doctor: i dunno, isn't it better to be that than somone who never answers texts?
Graham: yeah Doc, you've never answered any of my risky texts to you.
* Aaron: what's with this brown cardboard box?
Graham: my attempt at the Bird Box Challenge. look at all these crayon drawings from the '80s.
Aaron: i drew these as a kid?
Graham: no i crayoned all these now. in 2019.
Aaron: but they look like some kid drew them.
* Graham: in English, Doc. i mean in British.
Doctor: psychopathic squishy alien, not cute. let me get help.
operator: hello, this is Janine Melnitz, how may i direct your call?
Doctor: Numbnuts? why is your voice so nasally, is it the connection?
Janine: this is my actual voice, this is how all New Yawk women speak. we all chew gum while we're on the phone, too. can't help you, there's a government shutdown due to Brexit.
me, Phoenix: even as a lowly American bloke i could sense the heavy enormity and force of this joke.
Doctor: hey, we British made fun of Trump in the last one, so...
* Doctor: so...i'm afraid...Brexit…
Graham: but Brexit is impossible.
Doctor: *eyes light up* wait! Brexit is The Impossible Child!
Graham: yeah! the child who can never get its way!
* Dalek Lin: *in vocoder voice* i am a better blacksmith than the Doctor! i don't make vibrators!
blacksmith: oi mate, what are you...
Dalek Lin: Dalek...
blacksmith: there's no Daylight Savings Time in Brexit Britain! why did you kill me!?
Dalek Lin: my scan says you look like Ben Roethlisberger. don't ever do that to a man in practice, what you told Antonio Brown to do was humiliating and cost the Steelers the season. can't you show up people with just your big head? and therefore never send to know for whom the Le'Veon Bell tolls, it tolls for thee.
* Doctor: *does a spin* check me out. you still don't know who i am?
Dalek: scanning......two vaginas...
Doctor: oi mate i am a feminist for sure!
* Dalek: what is this? what have you done to me?
Doctor: it's just a hologram.
Dalek: oh, okay, i thought i was dead. cos when i think of holograms i think of Tupac.
* Dalek: your puny weapons can't injure me! i got the nuclear football!
army: quick! call President Trump! he'll save the world!
Dalek: the code is binary, Trump's only into threesomes. now hold still while i give each of you nice soldiers your X-ray...we've got to see what's wrong with you...
* Doctor: i know your weakness, we used to be friends, remember?
Dalek: …
Doctor: you took me out on a date once on Skaro.
Dalek: okay i confess! i can't resist microwave popcorn!
Doctor: do it, Ryan's dad! save the day!
Dalek: i'm melting! melting without water!
Dalek: i confess! i took the Doctor to go see The Terminator, that's where i learned all my gun-holding moves from!
* Ryan: dad, don't make me say i love you.
Aaron: you just did. i am the best con.
Ryan: hey, pretty good with my dyspraxic hand, you reckon?
Doctor: oh yeah, Ryan, i forgot you had that. your dad is still a putz tho. i got skid marks, the good skid, the sliding kind. my New Year's Resolution is to have more Doctor Who in 2019...
* Ryan: don't worry, pops, the Fam will take good care of me.
Aaron: i have no son, i'm a con man, onto the next. thank u, next. hello, pretty lady, would you like for me to sell you on how to become a man again?
Doctor: uh, no thanks.
Aaron: i'm gonna join UNIT cos i have the biggest unit.
Lin: i was gonna date you but this is Idris Fucking Elba, you know? i'm a white girl.
Mitch: i get it. so, Fam, room in that TARDIS for one more?
Yas: well yes, technically, spatially dimension-wise, but there simply cannot dramatically be a Fourth Companion, right, Chibnall?
Chibnall gives Yas the middle finger.
* Chibnall: what!? where are my ratings for this they should be through the roof! it was a riproaring adventure, it's the best thing i've ever written, i used a Dalek to ENSURE success!
Doctor: yeah this New Year's thing is weird, it's like the stations take THIS WHOLE WEEK off as vacation, everything starts back again Jan 7. everyone is still on vacation, not watching tv, no ratings registered...
Monday, December 24, 2018
The Shivering Truth "Tow and Shell"
notes:
* last time: that goth poet continues to really need to be Johnny Weir
* not associated at all with the band Tool except the Claymation part. or sponsored by Big Gas.
* for all those who are bullied…
* Vernon Chatman is really into the recurring theme of service-aid workers on the phone. there seems to be a long history of that with him. i think that's where he first learned that humanity was just another insignificant number waiting to be helped put on hold. i wouldn't be surprised to see suicide-hotline operator on his resume.
* Vernon: everytime you lie a dead cat falls from the sky.
Jim Morrison from his crystal ship: far-out lyrics, man. but as the station head i can't allow that imagery for kidults.
Vernon: okay, falling dead rats?
Jim: better.
Vernon: so what's Farout like?
Jim: it's, like, far-out, man.
* 911: 911 what's your emergency? can you believe we're still cashing in the ratings? what is our rake made of? i mean they were doing this same old shit back when Captain Kirk was riding the ambulance.
father: um, i killed my wife. or my lover i'm confused. i mean i didn't kill them, they broke my heart.
911: sir, without women, your life and life itself is meaningless. you realize this, right?
father: yes. without those two women i can't self-actualize. so what i did was big and dumb.
911: it doesn't matter the women. look out your window, sir, see the neon lights? that fat woman by the window? you like the chubby circus ones, right? we know from your internet history.
father: all i see is a pineapple roasting over a spit. my name is Squidward and i need my comfort clarinet or i'm about to break.
* father: great, now that my son can't hear me i think he's a spazz or something.
lover: you really are Father of the Year.
father: want me to kill you?
lover: aren't you supposed to do that to your wife? so me your lover and you can be free?
father: fine, you do it then.
lover: we all watched the competing Long Island Lolita tv-movies when they came out Christmastime on NBC...
* kid: i have a painfully cute voice which makes my sadness all the more sobering. i borrowed that trick from the South Park gang with Ike and the other little brothers and sisters on that show. you can't resist the voice, instant empathy.
* kid: teacher, i think my shell is magic, i can hear things.
teacher: all shells are magic, you hear the ocean, right?
kid: well i'm hearing streams and torrents...
* lover: don't touch me there, you bad man.
father: oh, you like that, baby?
lover: no, you're seriously a bad man.
father: Krakatoa!
lover: not cool, Squidward.
* kid: teacher, what do you do, where do you go, when your father hates you?
teacher: turn to your class, they'll help you out.
kid: but they're all laughing.
teacher: laughing is our human defense-mechanism against the dark truth of death we cannot face.
kid: can you be my daddy?
teacher: i never wanted kids, that's why i became a teacher.
* teacher: kid, don't hold the shell to your ear. there, better now? you don't hear anything, including your nightmares.
kid: teacher, did you always want to be a teacher?
teacher: i was convinced one day i'd run into a kid i taught who would show me the way, my purpose. you are that beautiful blond boy.
kid: i don't like where this is going, i've heard stories. i'm trying to keep it together, not to cry cos boys don't cry. plus my classmates are all crying for me.
teacher: holy shit that one girl turned into an old woman. an old woman who looks like my old teacher! that's gotta be a sign! i'm either training the next generation or i should leave this profession immediately.
* teacher smashes shell with hammer.
teacher: i can't hear no more!
kid: you smashed your own eardrum! you can't kill nature, you can't kill the ocean! where are you going?
teacher: i found these blue jewels in your cat!
kid: those are the ocean's droppings.
teacher: well at least i can sell this shell. this shell is one big pooka shell, right? as long as it's not the famous Conch...
kid: boys my age are very susceptible...
* kid: i wish that happened reverse, i'd come out of the shell as a cat and you'd be the kid.
cat: *licking himself* kid do you have any idea how complicated my life is?
* operator: you can only get help if you have the Deluxe Plan. you have the Black American Express Card?
Vernon: no, i'm not black. tho everyone mistakes me for black.
operator: congratulations, you're now part of the media elite! are you an ambulance chaser?
Vernon: no.
operator: well you betta learn. you're gonna have to run after the ambulance when it passes by your location. we stop for no man.
father: i don't know if it's more depressing to be Squidward or O.J. Simpson.
* kid: and so i murdered the ocean. what happened to the earth after you ask? it was saved, global warming started to cool again and the ozone was repaired. but i have to keep a daily watch, a steady vigil, with my gun pointed at the sea or it all goes back to the 2030 Countdown Clock again. i have to remain in this position forever. never eating. my elbow hurts.
teacher: no guns allowed in the classroom.
operator: you wanna switch shifts?
* Vernon: what happened to the pig-snout end credits?
Squidward: hey i'm not THAT ugly! yes my nose runs sometimes when i get sick. i'm allergic to the sea...
* last time: that goth poet continues to really need to be Johnny Weir
* not associated at all with the band Tool except the Claymation part. or sponsored by Big Gas.
* for all those who are bullied…
* Vernon Chatman is really into the recurring theme of service-aid workers on the phone. there seems to be a long history of that with him. i think that's where he first learned that humanity was just another insignificant number waiting to be helped put on hold. i wouldn't be surprised to see suicide-hotline operator on his resume.
* Vernon: everytime you lie a dead cat falls from the sky.
Jim Morrison from his crystal ship: far-out lyrics, man. but as the station head i can't allow that imagery for kidults.
Vernon: okay, falling dead rats?
Jim: better.
Vernon: so what's Farout like?
Jim: it's, like, far-out, man.
* 911: 911 what's your emergency? can you believe we're still cashing in the ratings? what is our rake made of? i mean they were doing this same old shit back when Captain Kirk was riding the ambulance.
father: um, i killed my wife. or my lover i'm confused. i mean i didn't kill them, they broke my heart.
911: sir, without women, your life and life itself is meaningless. you realize this, right?
father: yes. without those two women i can't self-actualize. so what i did was big and dumb.
911: it doesn't matter the women. look out your window, sir, see the neon lights? that fat woman by the window? you like the chubby circus ones, right? we know from your internet history.
father: all i see is a pineapple roasting over a spit. my name is Squidward and i need my comfort clarinet or i'm about to break.
* father: great, now that my son can't hear me i think he's a spazz or something.
lover: you really are Father of the Year.
father: want me to kill you?
lover: aren't you supposed to do that to your wife? so me your lover and you can be free?
father: fine, you do it then.
lover: we all watched the competing Long Island Lolita tv-movies when they came out Christmastime on NBC...
* kid: i have a painfully cute voice which makes my sadness all the more sobering. i borrowed that trick from the South Park gang with Ike and the other little brothers and sisters on that show. you can't resist the voice, instant empathy.
* kid: teacher, i think my shell is magic, i can hear things.
teacher: all shells are magic, you hear the ocean, right?
kid: well i'm hearing streams and torrents...
* lover: don't touch me there, you bad man.
father: oh, you like that, baby?
lover: no, you're seriously a bad man.
father: Krakatoa!
lover: not cool, Squidward.
* kid: teacher, what do you do, where do you go, when your father hates you?
teacher: turn to your class, they'll help you out.
kid: but they're all laughing.
teacher: laughing is our human defense-mechanism against the dark truth of death we cannot face.
kid: can you be my daddy?
teacher: i never wanted kids, that's why i became a teacher.
* teacher: kid, don't hold the shell to your ear. there, better now? you don't hear anything, including your nightmares.
kid: teacher, did you always want to be a teacher?
teacher: i was convinced one day i'd run into a kid i taught who would show me the way, my purpose. you are that beautiful blond boy.
kid: i don't like where this is going, i've heard stories. i'm trying to keep it together, not to cry cos boys don't cry. plus my classmates are all crying for me.
teacher: holy shit that one girl turned into an old woman. an old woman who looks like my old teacher! that's gotta be a sign! i'm either training the next generation or i should leave this profession immediately.
* teacher smashes shell with hammer.
teacher: i can't hear no more!
kid: you smashed your own eardrum! you can't kill nature, you can't kill the ocean! where are you going?
teacher: i found these blue jewels in your cat!
kid: those are the ocean's droppings.
teacher: well at least i can sell this shell. this shell is one big pooka shell, right? as long as it's not the famous Conch...
kid: boys my age are very susceptible...
* kid: i wish that happened reverse, i'd come out of the shell as a cat and you'd be the kid.
cat: *licking himself* kid do you have any idea how complicated my life is?
* operator: you can only get help if you have the Deluxe Plan. you have the Black American Express Card?
Vernon: no, i'm not black. tho everyone mistakes me for black.
operator: congratulations, you're now part of the media elite! are you an ambulance chaser?
Vernon: no.
operator: well you betta learn. you're gonna have to run after the ambulance when it passes by your location. we stop for no man.
father: i don't know if it's more depressing to be Squidward or O.J. Simpson.
* kid: and so i murdered the ocean. what happened to the earth after you ask? it was saved, global warming started to cool again and the ozone was repaired. but i have to keep a daily watch, a steady vigil, with my gun pointed at the sea or it all goes back to the 2030 Countdown Clock again. i have to remain in this position forever. never eating. my elbow hurts.
teacher: no guns allowed in the classroom.
operator: you wanna switch shifts?
* Vernon: what happened to the pig-snout end credits?
Squidward: hey i'm not THAT ugly! yes my nose runs sometimes when i get sick. i'm allergic to the sea...
Monday, December 17, 2018
The Shivering Truth "Constadeath"
notes:
* this narrator voiceover is starting to grow on me...
* if Almighty God dies, who writes the inscription on the tomb? how could you possibly encapsulate God in a few words?
God: Love > Death
my boy Orson was the greatest gay man I ever created.
* shoutout to Props Dept.: using those backscratchers for God's long arm and scratchy fingers like the Cryptkeeper's
* slave: don't you dare call me a magic black girl! i'll beat you silly, boy!
boy with sailor hat and tag on hat: please take no offense, sir, you're my idol. as in i think i worship you. if i worship myself. if i love myself. want a lollipop?
slave: call me Magical Girl. anime is the only thing in this world which brings me happiness.
* slave: what shall i dream about to cover up my endless inescapable pain? i know, i'll be white!
slave as sailor boy: my idols were not Popeye or Donald Duck. or Pippi Longstocking's Cap'n father. i honored the men of the sea who were not afraid to skip on a pier.
* boy: don't make me do this. if my rope turns into black licorice, does it still hurt as bad to whip?
* slave: quick! touch me and turn me into grape jelly so i can escape out of my chains!
boy: sorry, sir, it's a hot day and the jelly is more of the hard elastic rope blocks than the Smuckers jelly with the seeds that's more of a paste.
* boy: my parents took turns shivving me, preparing me for being a federal rat. i don't blame them, their mutual actions against me strengthened their marriage. i was never in danger of being a child of divorce.
parents: if we didn't have children, we would have divorced.
boy: thank you. life is better than no life at all.
* you know this was verbatim a doctor's visit Vern endured.
Vern: so Doc, how much longer do i have to live?
doc: once you die, you have no more conception of time.
Vern: if i don't look at the ticking countdown clock, time won't move forward, right? time works like observing atoms, right? after all, time is just time atoms.
doc: i still have my Watchmen watch from my Catholic-school days. that's actually a clock counting down to the next episode of Supermarket Sweep.
* doc: quick, sign here.
Vern: do i really have to sign it? don't you already have me by the balls?
doc: yes, figuratively and literally. think of me as the doctor from the pilot episode. and your agent. your balls smell nice. not sweaty this time of year.
* Vern: so i have the head of a Kraken. or eagle, same symbol.
doc: life is life, right? would you rather be dead or alive as a bird?
Vern: but i would never know i was dead...
* Vern: Lucy, i've got some splaining to do!
Lucy, his wife: honey! surprised to see you at the house! you're, like, never home, you have more paperwork than Naruto.
Vern: have you ever wanted to make love to all the animals at once?
* Lucy: i was a zoology major in college but this is ridiculous.
Verrn: sorry, i have to do this same joke...like five times..each time another year...my background was in standup comedy...
Lucy: you realize i cheated with another version of youself in the interim each year.
Vern: i swear i bought you birthday and Christmas gifts each year---different ones, it's just that it lasts a second so we can't exhange.
Lucy: i exchanged some weird fluids with you. on second thought, i don't want to be a zoo vet.
* Lucy: but where's my REAL husband?
Vern: does a person have to have the same head or the same body to be the same one? i always thought the heart was more important than the brain...
* Vern: did you remember to get the Lemon Pledge? that joke is only funny with the Seth MacFarlane head.
Lucy: thank you, honey, this marriage taught me patience. i'm gonna wait a real long time before i divorce you.
Vern: our family pets will be pets of divorce.
* boy: i see a face. my house. my house has the face! and it's staring at me. ironically this would be less scary at night. i don't like this meme game anymore.
house: trust me, kid, don't go down the path of looking at the internet every five seconds, you'll be a heathier adult.
* boy: i cut myself shaving...thank you for the extra house key, God's Hand, can i see Your body now?...oh i see, my wounds are from my parents when they plunged that knife into me, psychological wounds, so i can't see them even though they appear on my arm...God, i lost the key again, lost it in the grass, next time put it on a visible snake keychain...
* boy: my wounds...this is the frontispiece of the piece...the central theme...when my wounds close up, when they heal, they disappear...so when we die, that's when we're healed...we're healed when we cease to exist...close up all my wounds so they won't be able to speak anymore, that's creepy...make it so i can't speak again so they won't speak again... y'know that cocoa butter stuff is holy water in more ways than one...get the honey-scented cocoa butter...
* boy: oh, i forgot i was a black man, you can arrest me now.
God: being black isn't a crime, being not Me is...
* when i watch this show sober, i get it, when i watch it drunk or high, i don't get it, what does this say about me?
* Vernon, please hurry up and figure out through your work what happens to us after we die, it's driving my mind crazy...
* this narrator voiceover is starting to grow on me...
* if Almighty God dies, who writes the inscription on the tomb? how could you possibly encapsulate God in a few words?
God: Love > Death
my boy Orson was the greatest gay man I ever created.
* shoutout to Props Dept.: using those backscratchers for God's long arm and scratchy fingers like the Cryptkeeper's
* slave: don't you dare call me a magic black girl! i'll beat you silly, boy!
boy with sailor hat and tag on hat: please take no offense, sir, you're my idol. as in i think i worship you. if i worship myself. if i love myself. want a lollipop?
slave: call me Magical Girl. anime is the only thing in this world which brings me happiness.
* slave: what shall i dream about to cover up my endless inescapable pain? i know, i'll be white!
slave as sailor boy: my idols were not Popeye or Donald Duck. or Pippi Longstocking's Cap'n father. i honored the men of the sea who were not afraid to skip on a pier.
* boy: don't make me do this. if my rope turns into black licorice, does it still hurt as bad to whip?
* slave: quick! touch me and turn me into grape jelly so i can escape out of my chains!
boy: sorry, sir, it's a hot day and the jelly is more of the hard elastic rope blocks than the Smuckers jelly with the seeds that's more of a paste.
* boy: my parents took turns shivving me, preparing me for being a federal rat. i don't blame them, their mutual actions against me strengthened their marriage. i was never in danger of being a child of divorce.
parents: if we didn't have children, we would have divorced.
boy: thank you. life is better than no life at all.
* you know this was verbatim a doctor's visit Vern endured.
Vern: so Doc, how much longer do i have to live?
doc: once you die, you have no more conception of time.
Vern: if i don't look at the ticking countdown clock, time won't move forward, right? time works like observing atoms, right? after all, time is just time atoms.
doc: i still have my Watchmen watch from my Catholic-school days. that's actually a clock counting down to the next episode of Supermarket Sweep.
* doc: quick, sign here.
Vern: do i really have to sign it? don't you already have me by the balls?
doc: yes, figuratively and literally. think of me as the doctor from the pilot episode. and your agent. your balls smell nice. not sweaty this time of year.
* Vern: so i have the head of a Kraken. or eagle, same symbol.
doc: life is life, right? would you rather be dead or alive as a bird?
Vern: but i would never know i was dead...
* Vern: Lucy, i've got some splaining to do!
Lucy, his wife: honey! surprised to see you at the house! you're, like, never home, you have more paperwork than Naruto.
Vern: have you ever wanted to make love to all the animals at once?
* Lucy: i was a zoology major in college but this is ridiculous.
Verrn: sorry, i have to do this same joke...like five times..each time another year...my background was in standup comedy...
Lucy: you realize i cheated with another version of youself in the interim each year.
Vern: i swear i bought you birthday and Christmas gifts each year---different ones, it's just that it lasts a second so we can't exhange.
Lucy: i exchanged some weird fluids with you. on second thought, i don't want to be a zoo vet.
* Lucy: but where's my REAL husband?
Vern: does a person have to have the same head or the same body to be the same one? i always thought the heart was more important than the brain...
* Vern: did you remember to get the Lemon Pledge? that joke is only funny with the Seth MacFarlane head.
Lucy: thank you, honey, this marriage taught me patience. i'm gonna wait a real long time before i divorce you.
Vern: our family pets will be pets of divorce.
* boy: i see a face. my house. my house has the face! and it's staring at me. ironically this would be less scary at night. i don't like this meme game anymore.
house: trust me, kid, don't go down the path of looking at the internet every five seconds, you'll be a heathier adult.
* boy: i cut myself shaving...thank you for the extra house key, God's Hand, can i see Your body now?...oh i see, my wounds are from my parents when they plunged that knife into me, psychological wounds, so i can't see them even though they appear on my arm...God, i lost the key again, lost it in the grass, next time put it on a visible snake keychain...
* boy: my wounds...this is the frontispiece of the piece...the central theme...when my wounds close up, when they heal, they disappear...so when we die, that's when we're healed...we're healed when we cease to exist...close up all my wounds so they won't be able to speak anymore, that's creepy...make it so i can't speak again so they won't speak again... y'know that cocoa butter stuff is holy water in more ways than one...get the honey-scented cocoa butter...
* boy: oh, i forgot i was a black man, you can arrest me now.
God: being black isn't a crime, being not Me is...
* when i watch this show sober, i get it, when i watch it drunk or high, i don't get it, what does this say about me?
* Vernon, please hurry up and figure out through your work what happens to us after we die, it's driving my mind crazy...
The Shivering Truth "Ogled Inklings"
notes:
* last time: Bjork's "All Is Full of Love" music video is masturbation taken to the highest artistic level
* last time: it seems like a giant hot dog would be cool...but really it turns out it isn't...
* hey now, don't you go making fun of poetic goths, saw that preview WAY too much this week.
* but it's not inklings, it's clay (and maybe highstrung string and copper wire and hay stuffed in there in the puppets and stuff)
*ohhhhhhhhhhhhh okay NOW i get it, Vernon is imitating the Rod Serling Twilight Zone voice when he narrates. and now that i think back, it was kinda how the Xavier voice was. so this show is basically if Robot Chicken and Xavier: Renegade Angel had a baby. a goofy-looking baby who drank the wrong milk (coyote milk).
* it was a dry heat...the kind where cactus soda makes itself...there was only enough money for ONE prison bars...cos the government had slashed funding to rehabilitation programs and guard pensions...the government wanted a police state where EVERY SINGLE CITIZEN was incarcerated...then there'd be nothing to do but pave the one road to the McDonald's...
* cop 1: see that tumbleweed over there?
cop 2: that's in your head...
cop 1: see that horned cattle skeleton head over there?
cop 2: that's YOUR head, you're dead. and apparently you were Satan this whole time.
cop 1: but i'm from Bone China.
* prisoners: truth is, there isn't much to do in prison. well nothing much to do in the desert. the Breaking Bad winnebago left long ago, Bryan Cranston is back doing comedy, and we can't even do the Carlton Fortnite dance anymore to keep cool. this is the North Korean dream, fear of being jailed so always in march formation. even when there is no prison.
cop 2: but we're all in our own prison, of the mind. and the political affiliation. and the skin color. and the social status. and the how much money you make if you're a public official.
prisoners: can we at least make this interesting? let's play Tic Tac Toe on the prison grate.
cop 1: i'll trade you my water for your water.
* man in bed: i ogled her breasts. sorry but i'm a man, what do you expect?
nurse: toxic masculinity…
man: is it toxic...or is it just masculinity? nobody knows what it means to be a man anymore in this society.
nurse: i'll fetch you your MEL Magazine shortly. can i get you anything?
man: goggles to keep my eyes open...
* man: what? i'm into gilfs.
* nurse: you are the cause of all the hatred and division and scapegoating in the world. who are you?
man: i am Russian Bot. i don't get it, i'm in bed but i don't feel sexy. hey can you splash my face with water as soon as i start to nod off? can i ogle your breasts?
nurse: thank you, that's already the compliment. you need to go outside and smell the fresh fields.
man: but there is no outside, there is only the inside of one's mind. what do i have, nurse?
nurse: constadeath…...that will be explained next episode...
man: nurse why am i so ugly?
nurse: cos you're human.
man: why do you have the face of a Kraken?
nurse: here it's known as the standard nonthreatening metrosexual monoculture face.
man: homoculture? no homo, no bueno. you mean like monoculturalism? THAT is what destroyed the world, not me. no more EuroCups!
nurse: no like monoculture farm fields...that you should be smelling.
* don't look too hard at the abyss, the abyss will stare back at you...with goth raccoon eyes...
* soldier: what's your story, kid?
goth poet: as all kids, abused by the ones who loved me the most...
soldier: the government professes its love for you. the government needs your poetry to stop the end of civilization.
goth poet: but isn't this what we're all aiming for? so there will be no more suffering, no more pain to put on a wax vinyl record. nirvana. not the band.
soldier: i'm only following orders. i don't believe in global warming, poetry is just a waste of paper and natural resources. we fight wars over poetry.
goth poet: i wish i lived in the 17th century. sure the pompadour wigs and everything, but back then, poetry was like what Harry Potter is today. the first sex scene in a book was written by the Bronte Sisters using coded words. like "tree" for "anal". look, i'm just doing this to make enough poem money to buy new black Chuck Taylors, kay?
* PLEASE, the voice of the goth poet MUST be Johnny Weir for it to be perfect.
* soldier: the power of words...
goth poet: unfortunately most of our fellow countrymen don't know how to read.
soldier: hey you started LiveJournal, right?
goth poet: there is no reality. no reality as such, it is simply all in your head, if you create a reality of your own, that is your world, that is how God works. and by God i mean Trent. Dilfer.
soldier: Peace is War. can i use your book as campfire fuel? i've suddenly gotten very cold inside my inside.
goth poet: sure, now you've got it! my loyal pet who'll never leave me is the dude from Skinny Puppy and i'm wearing pale makeup to show it's not a male or female thing, it's a human gaze.
soldier: so you're asexual, which is very boring dramatically.
goth poet: well Nymphomaniac was pretty good till the ending.
soldier: i played with GI Joe toy soldiers as a boy. but i put dresses on them. so what's that make me?
goth poet: see the Earth? it's two giant tits crashing into each other like environmentally-depleted waves. smushing together like an oat PB&J sandwich oath. i can say that cos i'm asexual, not on the spectrum. it's the counter to that Tool video where you saw the Earth's eye at the end looking, this is what the Earth was looking at. two polar opposites. the two poles of the Earth's tits.
soldier: are all men tools?
goth poet: sure, look at us, our penises are giant keys...
* last time: Bjork's "All Is Full of Love" music video is masturbation taken to the highest artistic level
* last time: it seems like a giant hot dog would be cool...but really it turns out it isn't...
* hey now, don't you go making fun of poetic goths, saw that preview WAY too much this week.
* but it's not inklings, it's clay (and maybe highstrung string and copper wire and hay stuffed in there in the puppets and stuff)
*ohhhhhhhhhhhhh okay NOW i get it, Vernon is imitating the Rod Serling Twilight Zone voice when he narrates. and now that i think back, it was kinda how the Xavier voice was. so this show is basically if Robot Chicken and Xavier: Renegade Angel had a baby. a goofy-looking baby who drank the wrong milk (coyote milk).
* it was a dry heat...the kind where cactus soda makes itself...there was only enough money for ONE prison bars...cos the government had slashed funding to rehabilitation programs and guard pensions...the government wanted a police state where EVERY SINGLE CITIZEN was incarcerated...then there'd be nothing to do but pave the one road to the McDonald's...
* cop 1: see that tumbleweed over there?
cop 2: that's in your head...
cop 1: see that horned cattle skeleton head over there?
cop 2: that's YOUR head, you're dead. and apparently you were Satan this whole time.
cop 1: but i'm from Bone China.
* prisoners: truth is, there isn't much to do in prison. well nothing much to do in the desert. the Breaking Bad winnebago left long ago, Bryan Cranston is back doing comedy, and we can't even do the Carlton Fortnite dance anymore to keep cool. this is the North Korean dream, fear of being jailed so always in march formation. even when there is no prison.
cop 2: but we're all in our own prison, of the mind. and the political affiliation. and the skin color. and the social status. and the how much money you make if you're a public official.
prisoners: can we at least make this interesting? let's play Tic Tac Toe on the prison grate.
cop 1: i'll trade you my water for your water.
* man in bed: i ogled her breasts. sorry but i'm a man, what do you expect?
nurse: toxic masculinity…
man: is it toxic...or is it just masculinity? nobody knows what it means to be a man anymore in this society.
nurse: i'll fetch you your MEL Magazine shortly. can i get you anything?
man: goggles to keep my eyes open...
* man: what? i'm into gilfs.
* nurse: you are the cause of all the hatred and division and scapegoating in the world. who are you?
man: i am Russian Bot. i don't get it, i'm in bed but i don't feel sexy. hey can you splash my face with water as soon as i start to nod off? can i ogle your breasts?
nurse: thank you, that's already the compliment. you need to go outside and smell the fresh fields.
man: but there is no outside, there is only the inside of one's mind. what do i have, nurse?
nurse: constadeath…...that will be explained next episode...
man: nurse why am i so ugly?
nurse: cos you're human.
man: why do you have the face of a Kraken?
nurse: here it's known as the standard nonthreatening metrosexual monoculture face.
man: homoculture? no homo, no bueno. you mean like monoculturalism? THAT is what destroyed the world, not me. no more EuroCups!
nurse: no like monoculture farm fields...that you should be smelling.
* don't look too hard at the abyss, the abyss will stare back at you...with goth raccoon eyes...
* soldier: what's your story, kid?
goth poet: as all kids, abused by the ones who loved me the most...
soldier: the government professes its love for you. the government needs your poetry to stop the end of civilization.
goth poet: but isn't this what we're all aiming for? so there will be no more suffering, no more pain to put on a wax vinyl record. nirvana. not the band.
soldier: i'm only following orders. i don't believe in global warming, poetry is just a waste of paper and natural resources. we fight wars over poetry.
goth poet: i wish i lived in the 17th century. sure the pompadour wigs and everything, but back then, poetry was like what Harry Potter is today. the first sex scene in a book was written by the Bronte Sisters using coded words. like "tree" for "anal". look, i'm just doing this to make enough poem money to buy new black Chuck Taylors, kay?
* PLEASE, the voice of the goth poet MUST be Johnny Weir for it to be perfect.
* soldier: the power of words...
goth poet: unfortunately most of our fellow countrymen don't know how to read.
soldier: hey you started LiveJournal, right?
goth poet: there is no reality. no reality as such, it is simply all in your head, if you create a reality of your own, that is your world, that is how God works. and by God i mean Trent. Dilfer.
soldier: Peace is War. can i use your book as campfire fuel? i've suddenly gotten very cold inside my inside.
goth poet: sure, now you've got it! my loyal pet who'll never leave me is the dude from Skinny Puppy and i'm wearing pale makeup to show it's not a male or female thing, it's a human gaze.
soldier: so you're asexual, which is very boring dramatically.
goth poet: well Nymphomaniac was pretty good till the ending.
soldier: i played with GI Joe toy soldiers as a boy. but i put dresses on them. so what's that make me?
goth poet: see the Earth? it's two giant tits crashing into each other like environmentally-depleted waves. smushing together like an oat PB&J sandwich oath. i can say that cos i'm asexual, not on the spectrum. it's the counter to that Tool video where you saw the Earth's eye at the end looking, this is what the Earth was looking at. two polar opposites. the two poles of the Earth's tits.
soldier: are all men tools?
goth poet: sure, look at us, our penises are giant keys...
Monday, December 10, 2018
The Shivering Truth "The Magmafying Past"
notes:
* this is gonna be a two-parter
* every time i see a drill sergeant i think back to how Goren made that show Law & Order: CI.
* reverse psychology, with a bit of mindreading tossed in at the end
* if humans could read minds there would be no wars. and no need for drill sergeants and maggots and yellow vests and psychological case studies of enemies and ourselves
* just because i shave my head and wear glasses doesn't mean i'm a nerd
* Drill Sergeant: who are you, a metamorphosed Kafka?
* Drill Sergeant: why you cryin'?
cadet: i cry whenever i think of maggots, jar of flies, Layne.
* cadet: three hots and a cot. like Cobain.
drill: don't let him see the whites of my eyes, cos that's where my soul shows.
cadet: you're scared you're gonna be found out. you're so insecure you drink your own pee when it comes so it doesn't get into your pants.
drill: i went to war when i was a baby...
cadet: wow that is fucked up. i forgive you, beat the hell outta me i'll understand. think of me as your Human Pincushion, your Human Therapy Doll. hey we're all freaks inside in the end.
* why does my soul mate have to be damaged like me?
* this really gets to the heart of my favorite comfort: scratching. well and spaghetti. scratching and spaghetti are my two comforts.
* i'm gonna start scratching even though it's bad for me. i'm gonna scratch till i grow a new skin, there will be blood everywhere but i will refuse medical service cos this is religion we're talking about. if Jesus can pull His heart out of His chest i can endure a few booboos without a mother's kiss.
* huh, i scratched the surface of myself and formed a new church...
* this is like those Goya Spanish architecture churches. deformed and gothic and free admission cos they're basically museums. and meant for Terminator robots to pray with their children.
* honey, why did you teach our child peek-a-boo?
i thought you did, you're the mother, i was busy drinking beer.
i'm worried sic (sic). i can't find her anywhere!
she's just playing a game with us...hey at least she doesn't get scared when she gets lost from us, she's giggling...hey we could make a fortune off her! if we can ever find her
* priest: why are you here? how do you get outside of this church? the parking meter's running on my Yugo.
parents: Father we are here because…
priest: you wish for Christ's consolation for your missing child.
parents: no, our child is obviously a spawn of Satan and we want to dunk her in a holy-water font or something.
priest: as long as you're hard-left it will be okay.
* cadet: i just want love
no you're just a cadet what do you know about it
cadet: cadets can care, too. i want love
but love is the Universe, love is just atoms, it's not a thing or substance, it's an essence that can never be taken ahold of.
cadet: o why must we be born? why must we catch a glimpse of the Infinite only to have it snatched away from us at death with a scratch before we have a chance to process it?
cos you couldn't process it if you were not human.
cadet: why are there wars?
humans are too stupid to divide the planet's resources fairly. wars are basically a way to avoid overpopulation.
cadet: will i ever find love? will i ever have sex?
sex is purely a biological thing, has nothing to do with emotion. it's a way to increase the chances of overpopulation.
cadet: marriage is just a human invention, right? we were never really meant to do that, right? life was supposed to be like the '60s forever, right man?
* i wish they used the music in the promo at the end of each episode, that haunting theme has bored into my head...
* this is gonna be a two-parter
* every time i see a drill sergeant i think back to how Goren made that show Law & Order: CI.
* reverse psychology, with a bit of mindreading tossed in at the end
* if humans could read minds there would be no wars. and no need for drill sergeants and maggots and yellow vests and psychological case studies of enemies and ourselves
* just because i shave my head and wear glasses doesn't mean i'm a nerd
* Drill Sergeant: who are you, a metamorphosed Kafka?
* Drill Sergeant: why you cryin'?
cadet: i cry whenever i think of maggots, jar of flies, Layne.
* cadet: three hots and a cot. like Cobain.
drill: don't let him see the whites of my eyes, cos that's where my soul shows.
cadet: you're scared you're gonna be found out. you're so insecure you drink your own pee when it comes so it doesn't get into your pants.
drill: i went to war when i was a baby...
cadet: wow that is fucked up. i forgive you, beat the hell outta me i'll understand. think of me as your Human Pincushion, your Human Therapy Doll. hey we're all freaks inside in the end.
* why does my soul mate have to be damaged like me?
* this really gets to the heart of my favorite comfort: scratching. well and spaghetti. scratching and spaghetti are my two comforts.
* i'm gonna start scratching even though it's bad for me. i'm gonna scratch till i grow a new skin, there will be blood everywhere but i will refuse medical service cos this is religion we're talking about. if Jesus can pull His heart out of His chest i can endure a few booboos without a mother's kiss.
* huh, i scratched the surface of myself and formed a new church...
* this is like those Goya Spanish architecture churches. deformed and gothic and free admission cos they're basically museums. and meant for Terminator robots to pray with their children.
* honey, why did you teach our child peek-a-boo?
i thought you did, you're the mother, i was busy drinking beer.
i'm worried sic (sic). i can't find her anywhere!
she's just playing a game with us...hey at least she doesn't get scared when she gets lost from us, she's giggling...hey we could make a fortune off her! if we can ever find her
* priest: why are you here? how do you get outside of this church? the parking meter's running on my Yugo.
parents: Father we are here because…
priest: you wish for Christ's consolation for your missing child.
parents: no, our child is obviously a spawn of Satan and we want to dunk her in a holy-water font or something.
priest: as long as you're hard-left it will be okay.
* cadet: i just want love
no you're just a cadet what do you know about it
cadet: cadets can care, too. i want love
but love is the Universe, love is just atoms, it's not a thing or substance, it's an essence that can never be taken ahold of.
cadet: o why must we be born? why must we catch a glimpse of the Infinite only to have it snatched away from us at death with a scratch before we have a chance to process it?
cos you couldn't process it if you were not human.
cadet: why are there wars?
humans are too stupid to divide the planet's resources fairly. wars are basically a way to avoid overpopulation.
cadet: will i ever find love? will i ever have sex?
sex is purely a biological thing, has nothing to do with emotion. it's a way to increase the chances of overpopulation.
cadet: marriage is just a human invention, right? we were never really meant to do that, right? life was supposed to be like the '60s forever, right man?
* i wish they used the music in the promo at the end of each episode, that haunting theme has bored into my head...
The Shivering Truth "The Nurple Rainbow"
notes:
* so this show is Serious Robot Chicken
* this show is trying for laughs but it won't be like Robot Chicken laughs...
* Claymation is the best (and creepiest) artform until that art style from Into the Spider-Verse came along. that is like some freaky new-human-and-pig-lifeform brand-new animated Claymation a hybrid the likes not seen since Venom himself.
* Beknownst is just another name for Faith
* Vernon Chatman is god to me (maybe that's a bad analogy here) but i actually think the voice of the narrator is a bit off. i'd love to chat with him. if it is indeed Vern talking, it doesn't quite fit the material, like it's too sportscaster-y to swim through this dark matter. if you're gonna get an investigative journalist reporter, get Robert Stack from Unsolved Mysteries from the grave. you gotta get, like, Elvira or Optimus Prime narrating this. well again Elvira would be too campy.
* i never got a purple nurple as a kid. never gave it a second thought, had no idea what they were. i count myself lucky. i guess my chest was too skinny for such measures.
* when the dumb guy turns out to be the smart guy
* pulled out two used long condoms that look like dirty socks. from our heads. we're roommates. and this is us contraceptioning.
* what is the point of the human finger? to touch the forehead of God? to vote? or to push buttons?
* why can't computers crunch the numbers by themselves and leave us to sleep-mode?
* we were all out of jobs before we are even born...there's nothing left to do...it was all done aeons ago...by the Universe...
* kind boss. realizes it's not the employee's fault, he is literally an airhead.
* it's not the giant bore into your skull, it's the koala living inside you. this is the purpose of human existence, to provide homes for koalas. the Koalan Afterlife is just gonna be a bunch of trees and rivers of coconut milk. see? there is a use for the hard scratchy hairy husk shell of a peanut, to play bowling with the koala with to distract it. it's not all about peanut butter you know.
* a little dated with the ISIS drop-the-mic jokes, aren't they gone? you chopped off my head and made me more powerful than you could ever imagine! I AM NOW METROID!!! Vern's influence, the good doctor David Eagleman, looks like a stand-up comic. why is your religion based on hate? cos you hatin'. cos if it was based on love it would be based.
* so that's what goes on in those tv focus groups. they're all in there focusing on the Circle Game hand of the executive's son's pants.
* at the end of the day, your perfect ideal sex partner is yourself. that's why masturbation is so popular.
* the complaints that there should be no comedy here, just nervous nihilism, are interesting and acceptable on paper but see, this is what life is: life is never all dark or all light, it's always a combination of tragedy and comedy. it's always tragicomic and always a black comedy, both at the same time, forever intertwined, inextricably ineffable and stirringly saudade.
* so this show is Serious Robot Chicken
* this show is trying for laughs but it won't be like Robot Chicken laughs...
* Claymation is the best (and creepiest) artform until that art style from Into the Spider-Verse came along. that is like some freaky new-human-and-pig-lifeform brand-new animated Claymation a hybrid the likes not seen since Venom himself.
* Beknownst is just another name for Faith
* Vernon Chatman is god to me (maybe that's a bad analogy here) but i actually think the voice of the narrator is a bit off. i'd love to chat with him. if it is indeed Vern talking, it doesn't quite fit the material, like it's too sportscaster-y to swim through this dark matter. if you're gonna get an investigative journalist reporter, get Robert Stack from Unsolved Mysteries from the grave. you gotta get, like, Elvira or Optimus Prime narrating this. well again Elvira would be too campy.
* i never got a purple nurple as a kid. never gave it a second thought, had no idea what they were. i count myself lucky. i guess my chest was too skinny for such measures.
* when the dumb guy turns out to be the smart guy
* pulled out two used long condoms that look like dirty socks. from our heads. we're roommates. and this is us contraceptioning.
* what is the point of the human finger? to touch the forehead of God? to vote? or to push buttons?
* why can't computers crunch the numbers by themselves and leave us to sleep-mode?
* we were all out of jobs before we are even born...there's nothing left to do...it was all done aeons ago...by the Universe...
* kind boss. realizes it's not the employee's fault, he is literally an airhead.
* it's not the giant bore into your skull, it's the koala living inside you. this is the purpose of human existence, to provide homes for koalas. the Koalan Afterlife is just gonna be a bunch of trees and rivers of coconut milk. see? there is a use for the hard scratchy hairy husk shell of a peanut, to play bowling with the koala with to distract it. it's not all about peanut butter you know.
* a little dated with the ISIS drop-the-mic jokes, aren't they gone? you chopped off my head and made me more powerful than you could ever imagine! I AM NOW METROID!!! Vern's influence, the good doctor David Eagleman, looks like a stand-up comic. why is your religion based on hate? cos you hatin'. cos if it was based on love it would be based.
* so that's what goes on in those tv focus groups. they're all in there focusing on the Circle Game hand of the executive's son's pants.
* at the end of the day, your perfect ideal sex partner is yourself. that's why masturbation is so popular.
* the complaints that there should be no comedy here, just nervous nihilism, are interesting and acceptable on paper but see, this is what life is: life is never all dark or all light, it's always a combination of tragedy and comedy. it's always tragicomic and always a black comedy, both at the same time, forever intertwined, inextricably ineffable and stirringly saudade.
Doctor Who "The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos"
notes:
* last time: everyone wanted the blind girl to be Ashildr but she was busy gotta be preparing for that last GOT season...
* last timer: the Solitract wanted to become the Fourth Companion...
* Jodie: oh come on, Chibs! how do you expect anyone to remember the name of this finale? your job was to make this episode memorable.
Chibnall: do not use the C word with me, missy!
Jodie: if Missy were here the ratings would have spiked. and i'd have my lesbian love interest.
Chibnall: i don't do the titles, the BBC does! i could have given loads better titles. like "Jesus On The Cross", "The Rock", or "Tim Shaw Returns". see? i'm a good writer.
* female cleric: we are two. like Sith and Lord Master. remember Alien?
apprentice cleric: no.
female cleric: shame. you millennials don't know what good British sci-fi is.
apprentice: oh yeah, is that the one where the crew member turns out to be a robot?
female cleric: SPOILERS, BOY!!! dammit! i hadn't seen it yet, thanks a lot!
apprentice cleric: i don't like this desert world we've been confined to and lived on forever.
female cleric: it's fine.
apprentice: for you and your complexion maybe. it's like waking up every morning in a jail cell for me.
* cleric: remember, son, our job is NOT to know things. the universe is far too complex to try to search it and find multilayered answers to the meaning of life in it.
apprentice: yes, mom. how am i your son again?
cleric: long complicated story, son.
apprentice: oh my god, Jesus has returned to us!
cleric: i'm noticing His teeth, people don't notice Jesus's teeth, that's not the first thing they notice about Him.
* Ryan: this planet's atmosphere is altering my perception of reality.
Graham: no that's your drugs, son.
* Graham: wait you had these neurobalancer thingees the whole time?
The Doctor: they help stabilize my migraine headaches. traveling with you lot is a pain in my shapely ass and perfect head. without the neurobalancer i'm just an ordinary posh English girl named Jodie Whittaker, no superpowers whatsoever.
Ryan tries his on. Yas, too.
Yas: so this is a Universal Alien Translator or something aye?
Doctor: nope, still can't understand what Ryan is saying.
Graham: mine translates Alien fine.
* Doctor: Chibs, instead of the neurobalancers you should have had them be my ear cuffs. everyone would be wearing my ear cuffs like fezzes and it would be cool. they'd sell out in stores for Christmas.
Chibnall: not now, bitch, i've got bigger problems! Brexitian problems!
* Doctor: ny name is Jodie. this is Yas, Ryan, and Graham.
Graham: why do you always introduce me last?
* Paltraki: my name is Paltraki, that's all i remember.
Doctor: suspicious. how bout you put away the gun. what is it with Englishmen and guns?
Paltraki: i can't. i was on GOT i mean this is a Lazer Tag gun and as such is like my third arm, cannot be removed, nostalgia is all i've got left.
Doctor: who are you?
Paltraki: Paltraki. who are you?
Doctor: very funny, it's been 10 episodes, man, come on. that's two hands.
* Andinio: it's the future so of course there are holograms. but I am not a hologram.
Paltraki: your name sounds like an herbal-tea supplement. how long was i asleep?
Andinio: 3000 years give or take. we had a few Jesuses in that time.
Tim Shaw: i am Darth Shaw! oh sorry Chibs, well this is my mask anyway. i can't breathe with it on, can i take it off now? it's like Kylo's but even more sparse.
* Jan Le: hi, i'm Umsang. obviously the writers are big fans of tech cos my name is basically just Samsung. did you know Samsung does ships, too? the ships caught on fire, too, and burned away at sea. i served no purpose for this story at all, you could have explained this without ever casting me as a character. the fact that i'm Asian is of no consequence, i am neither lucky nor rich but i am crazy in love with Jodie!
Doctor: dammit. Series 2 uh Season 12, Series One Two i'm getting a boo. i want my own fam!
Jan Le: i coulda been a guy. Jan is either Jan or Jan. is it January yet and the final episode?
* Doctor: oh these holiday boxes are so cute! see? this is the Christmas theme we were reaching for in the writers' room.
Graham: they're not a package from the Kerblam Man, Doc. no more of that, toots.
Doctor: they're like those miniaturized planets against their will by an evil laser and locked in amber from Superman.
Chibnall: see the metaphor? you are a superwoman, Jodie, representing all the female ladies of the Earth in this century who have to struggle balancing careers and kids, both k sounds. two ks not three. fame and family.
Doctor: fam.
* Graham: can i take you aside? i'm not gonna try anything.
Doctor: what.
Graham: i'm gonna kill him. don't let my silly low manner and Eastside cockney assuredness fool ye, underneath this grandfatherly trenchcoat sweater i am Bruce Willis from Die Hard!
Doctor: we play Die Hard on a loop at BBC America at Christams cos of the Harry Potter wizard.
Doctor: if you do this, you will suffer the severest of consequences.
Graham: i know, i'll be no better than him, i'll be a convicted criminal, i'll serve out the term of my natural life at that prison planet the Rosa Parks villain comes from. good should rise to the top like pub beer froth.
Doctor: no, you won't be able to travel with me anymore, that's the most tragic thing that could ever happen to a human.
Graham: this is where the narrative picked up and got some real dramatic juice. there was potential at this point. for something new and different. it was halftime...kinda went all downhill form here...
* Ryan: you'd be dishonoring Nan if you killed Tim Shaw. like Jack Bauer and that redhead agent ginger superhotmama with the freckles white girl he fucked.
Graham: if you had the chance to kill Hitler as a baby, would you take that chance?
Ryan: i'd at least wait till he was a punk youth. i turned off your gun just in case, converted it into a video-game gun.
* Doctor: what's with women and guns?
Andinio: i voted for my race. the two of us ran against each other.
Doctor: there are only two of you who ever lived?
Andinio: no, two of us at a time. not ever.
Doctor: oh you're not that special then. there is only One of me. Ux?
Chibnall: User Experience. thank you. *takes a bow*
* Doctor: let me speak to your god on your tv-on-a-string around your neck, where do you get one of those things? i missed Black Friday, working, do they come in flatscreen?
Andinio: this is my crystal. used not for frivolous yogic activity on Instagram.
Andinio: how do you know our God?
Doctor: i used to be him. or her. we had a brief affair but he was a biter in bed so i ended it. the skin on my kneecaps got so sore. from his biting them.
* Tim Shaw: Doctor, we meet again! well? how do you like me now? do i make enough money for you now that you'll consider me again?
Doctor: you're an alright bloke, that's it.
Tim Shaw: i brushed my teeth for you! now i'm gonna attack your family.
Doctor: fam.
Tim Shaw: i'm like that Dalek Queen King but i don't have much of an army. still got my wires crossed tho.
* Ryan: i love you.
Graham: what? i'm hard of hearing, i'm old.
Ryan: okay just one kiss on the lips but that's it.
* Tim Shaw: go ahead weakling, make my day, shoot me in the face.
Graham: i bet that's what the Doctor told you to do to her. just answer me this, Tim Shaw, have you ever had dreams of running the 100-yard-dash in the Olympics?
Tim Shaw: yes i have.
Graham: that's all i wanted to hear...
* Tim Shaw: ow! hot foot hot foot!
Graham: you knew i wasn't really gonna do it. i was cop in a former life but i mostly did paperwork behind a desk. i'm not Rambo.
Ryan: I have the arms for Rambo. and the hands.
Tim Shaw: thank you, that shot cleared up my athlete's foot. no more messy powder.
* Graham: can we at least keep the Aquaman-looking guy in amber? remember Jurassic Park? what if these people are being used for experiments which will benefit all mankind? Ryan, we look so badass cool walking away in slomo from the explosion we caused!
Ryan: except there is no explosion and these guns are plastic.
* Graham: what do we do now?
Ryan: fist bump.
Graham: why do you want to punch me after all we've been through? where are the Doctor's bombs? use them on the doors.
Ryan: hey these are bath bombs!
Yas: how'd you know they were bath bombs, Ryan?
Doctor: hey give a girl a break. i'm still loving being a girl for the first time!
* Doctor: i'm sorry but your entire existence as a species is a lie. that's what i tell all the planets i travel to, that's my job, to bring them the Bad News. i'm like the Anti-Jesus.
Andinio and Delph: who's Jesus?
Doctor: me before the Regeneration. now get up on that Cross, Delph, like Jesus. like a Southern Baptist church along the Nawlins Delta.
Andinio: Delph, just pretend the universe is a big ball of dough and your sharp braids are the cookie-cutter.
* Doctor: nice. the Earth is blue and green again and Morgan Freeman is our President.
* Graham: as you rot in prison for eternity and your natural life sentence, remember the name...
Ryan: ...Nan.
Graham: ...Grace. or Nan, whatevs.
Tim Shaw: i will keep the name on my toothy lips. do even I deserve grace?
Graham: that's the sort of existential philosophical sticky wicket we won't delve into here, maybe in the New Year's Special.
Tim Shaw: i like hardened caramel so i'm golden here.
* Doctor: i'm proud of you, Graham.
Graham: i don't believe in capital punishment. so i didn't vote for Brexit.
* Delph: so, Ryan, i am obviously your dad and we need to talk...
Ryan: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………
* Doctor: you guys at home can finally read everything that's on the Police Box door. happy?
Andinio: so is there a God or what?
Doctor: the Universe is constantly changing so the answer always changes. God is here one moment but then the Universe changes again. by the time you see me again, i'll be a different person. probably go back to being a man. i'd ask you in but i used up all the custard last night...
* Jodie: what about the Timeless Child?
Chibnall: *looks at watch* no time! don't be a child! it will all be explained in the New Year's Special. which i'm writing right now. time's running out for me...
* last time: everyone wanted the blind girl to be Ashildr but she was busy gotta be preparing for that last GOT season...
* last timer: the Solitract wanted to become the Fourth Companion...
* Jodie: oh come on, Chibs! how do you expect anyone to remember the name of this finale? your job was to make this episode memorable.
Chibnall: do not use the C word with me, missy!
Jodie: if Missy were here the ratings would have spiked. and i'd have my lesbian love interest.
Chibnall: i don't do the titles, the BBC does! i could have given loads better titles. like "Jesus On The Cross", "The Rock", or "Tim Shaw Returns". see? i'm a good writer.
* female cleric: we are two. like Sith and Lord Master. remember Alien?
apprentice cleric: no.
female cleric: shame. you millennials don't know what good British sci-fi is.
apprentice: oh yeah, is that the one where the crew member turns out to be a robot?
female cleric: SPOILERS, BOY!!! dammit! i hadn't seen it yet, thanks a lot!
apprentice cleric: i don't like this desert world we've been confined to and lived on forever.
female cleric: it's fine.
apprentice: for you and your complexion maybe. it's like waking up every morning in a jail cell for me.
* cleric: remember, son, our job is NOT to know things. the universe is far too complex to try to search it and find multilayered answers to the meaning of life in it.
apprentice: yes, mom. how am i your son again?
cleric: long complicated story, son.
apprentice: oh my god, Jesus has returned to us!
cleric: i'm noticing His teeth, people don't notice Jesus's teeth, that's not the first thing they notice about Him.
* Ryan: this planet's atmosphere is altering my perception of reality.
Graham: no that's your drugs, son.
* Graham: wait you had these neurobalancer thingees the whole time?
The Doctor: they help stabilize my migraine headaches. traveling with you lot is a pain in my shapely ass and perfect head. without the neurobalancer i'm just an ordinary posh English girl named Jodie Whittaker, no superpowers whatsoever.
Ryan tries his on. Yas, too.
Yas: so this is a Universal Alien Translator or something aye?
Doctor: nope, still can't understand what Ryan is saying.
Graham: mine translates Alien fine.
* Doctor: Chibs, instead of the neurobalancers you should have had them be my ear cuffs. everyone would be wearing my ear cuffs like fezzes and it would be cool. they'd sell out in stores for Christmas.
Chibnall: not now, bitch, i've got bigger problems! Brexitian problems!
* Doctor: ny name is Jodie. this is Yas, Ryan, and Graham.
Graham: why do you always introduce me last?
* Paltraki: my name is Paltraki, that's all i remember.
Doctor: suspicious. how bout you put away the gun. what is it with Englishmen and guns?
Paltraki: i can't. i was on GOT i mean this is a Lazer Tag gun and as such is like my third arm, cannot be removed, nostalgia is all i've got left.
Doctor: who are you?
Paltraki: Paltraki. who are you?
Doctor: very funny, it's been 10 episodes, man, come on. that's two hands.
* Andinio: it's the future so of course there are holograms. but I am not a hologram.
Paltraki: your name sounds like an herbal-tea supplement. how long was i asleep?
Andinio: 3000 years give or take. we had a few Jesuses in that time.
Tim Shaw: i am Darth Shaw! oh sorry Chibs, well this is my mask anyway. i can't breathe with it on, can i take it off now? it's like Kylo's but even more sparse.
* Jan Le: hi, i'm Umsang. obviously the writers are big fans of tech cos my name is basically just Samsung. did you know Samsung does ships, too? the ships caught on fire, too, and burned away at sea. i served no purpose for this story at all, you could have explained this without ever casting me as a character. the fact that i'm Asian is of no consequence, i am neither lucky nor rich but i am crazy in love with Jodie!
Doctor: dammit. Series 2 uh Season 12, Series One Two i'm getting a boo. i want my own fam!
Jan Le: i coulda been a guy. Jan is either Jan or Jan. is it January yet and the final episode?
* Doctor: oh these holiday boxes are so cute! see? this is the Christmas theme we were reaching for in the writers' room.
Graham: they're not a package from the Kerblam Man, Doc. no more of that, toots.
Doctor: they're like those miniaturized planets against their will by an evil laser and locked in amber from Superman.
Chibnall: see the metaphor? you are a superwoman, Jodie, representing all the female ladies of the Earth in this century who have to struggle balancing careers and kids, both k sounds. two ks not three. fame and family.
Doctor: fam.
* Graham: can i take you aside? i'm not gonna try anything.
Doctor: what.
Graham: i'm gonna kill him. don't let my silly low manner and Eastside cockney assuredness fool ye, underneath this grandfatherly trenchcoat sweater i am Bruce Willis from Die Hard!
Doctor: we play Die Hard on a loop at BBC America at Christams cos of the Harry Potter wizard.
Doctor: if you do this, you will suffer the severest of consequences.
Graham: i know, i'll be no better than him, i'll be a convicted criminal, i'll serve out the term of my natural life at that prison planet the Rosa Parks villain comes from. good should rise to the top like pub beer froth.
Doctor: no, you won't be able to travel with me anymore, that's the most tragic thing that could ever happen to a human.
Graham: this is where the narrative picked up and got some real dramatic juice. there was potential at this point. for something new and different. it was halftime...kinda went all downhill form here...
* Ryan: you'd be dishonoring Nan if you killed Tim Shaw. like Jack Bauer and that redhead agent ginger superhotmama with the freckles white girl he fucked.
Graham: if you had the chance to kill Hitler as a baby, would you take that chance?
Ryan: i'd at least wait till he was a punk youth. i turned off your gun just in case, converted it into a video-game gun.
* Doctor: what's with women and guns?
Andinio: i voted for my race. the two of us ran against each other.
Doctor: there are only two of you who ever lived?
Andinio: no, two of us at a time. not ever.
Doctor: oh you're not that special then. there is only One of me. Ux?
Chibnall: User Experience. thank you. *takes a bow*
* Doctor: let me speak to your god on your tv-on-a-string around your neck, where do you get one of those things? i missed Black Friday, working, do they come in flatscreen?
Andinio: this is my crystal. used not for frivolous yogic activity on Instagram.
Andinio: how do you know our God?
Doctor: i used to be him. or her. we had a brief affair but he was a biter in bed so i ended it. the skin on my kneecaps got so sore. from his biting them.
* Tim Shaw: Doctor, we meet again! well? how do you like me now? do i make enough money for you now that you'll consider me again?
Doctor: you're an alright bloke, that's it.
Tim Shaw: i brushed my teeth for you! now i'm gonna attack your family.
Doctor: fam.
Tim Shaw: i'm like that Dalek Queen King but i don't have much of an army. still got my wires crossed tho.
* Ryan: i love you.
Graham: what? i'm hard of hearing, i'm old.
Ryan: okay just one kiss on the lips but that's it.
* Tim Shaw: go ahead weakling, make my day, shoot me in the face.
Graham: i bet that's what the Doctor told you to do to her. just answer me this, Tim Shaw, have you ever had dreams of running the 100-yard-dash in the Olympics?
Tim Shaw: yes i have.
Graham: that's all i wanted to hear...
* Tim Shaw: ow! hot foot hot foot!
Graham: you knew i wasn't really gonna do it. i was cop in a former life but i mostly did paperwork behind a desk. i'm not Rambo.
Ryan: I have the arms for Rambo. and the hands.
Tim Shaw: thank you, that shot cleared up my athlete's foot. no more messy powder.
* Graham: can we at least keep the Aquaman-looking guy in amber? remember Jurassic Park? what if these people are being used for experiments which will benefit all mankind? Ryan, we look so badass cool walking away in slomo from the explosion we caused!
Ryan: except there is no explosion and these guns are plastic.
* Graham: what do we do now?
Ryan: fist bump.
Graham: why do you want to punch me after all we've been through? where are the Doctor's bombs? use them on the doors.
Ryan: hey these are bath bombs!
Yas: how'd you know they were bath bombs, Ryan?
Doctor: hey give a girl a break. i'm still loving being a girl for the first time!
* Doctor: i'm sorry but your entire existence as a species is a lie. that's what i tell all the planets i travel to, that's my job, to bring them the Bad News. i'm like the Anti-Jesus.
Andinio and Delph: who's Jesus?
Doctor: me before the Regeneration. now get up on that Cross, Delph, like Jesus. like a Southern Baptist church along the Nawlins Delta.
Andinio: Delph, just pretend the universe is a big ball of dough and your sharp braids are the cookie-cutter.
* Doctor: nice. the Earth is blue and green again and Morgan Freeman is our President.
* Graham: as you rot in prison for eternity and your natural life sentence, remember the name...
Ryan: ...Nan.
Graham: ...Grace. or Nan, whatevs.
Tim Shaw: i will keep the name on my toothy lips. do even I deserve grace?
Graham: that's the sort of existential philosophical sticky wicket we won't delve into here, maybe in the New Year's Special.
Tim Shaw: i like hardened caramel so i'm golden here.
* Doctor: i'm proud of you, Graham.
Graham: i don't believe in capital punishment. so i didn't vote for Brexit.
* Delph: so, Ryan, i am obviously your dad and we need to talk...
Ryan: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………
* Doctor: you guys at home can finally read everything that's on the Police Box door. happy?
Andinio: so is there a God or what?
Doctor: the Universe is constantly changing so the answer always changes. God is here one moment but then the Universe changes again. by the time you see me again, i'll be a different person. probably go back to being a man. i'd ask you in but i used up all the custard last night...
* Jodie: what about the Timeless Child?
Chibnall: *looks at watch* no time! don't be a child! it will all be explained in the New Year's Special. which i'm writing right now. time's running out for me...
Monday, December 3, 2018
Doctor Who "It Takes You Away"
notes:
* last time: this is how Capaldi should have Regenerated into Jodie: have him become a woman for the first time right as she's being attached to the ducking cucking stool. talk about jumping right into it! the hard eduction of being a woman in this world!
* it takes you away: already a stilted title. but i'm not gonna make assumptions the way Ryan did this episode.
* i know i'm a stickler for titles but i just LOVE titles, i love titles of books more than the books. humble replacements: "The Fucking Fulfords in Fjords" "The Neverending Nuances of Norway Neversee" "Live-Action Hypnotoad" "Solitract Is Not The Name of a Fitbit" "Deadbeat Dad: Now That's A New Excuse!"
* The Doctor: i love eating strange berries.
Yas: don't i know it, you did a number on mine.
Ryan: those weren't berries, those were Slenderman's balls...
Doctor: i'm incapable of being poisoned. only by racist tweets.
Yas: cabin in the woods?
Doctor: please, we're gonna run the gamut before we're through.
Graham: fucking Log Cabin Brexiters.
* Doctor: the atmosphere is peak.
Ryan: Peak District.
Doctor: the fog is thick like peas, the lake shivering like the truth, it's always overcast even when it's daytime…
Graham: so it's Alaska after the Little Big One Quake?
Doctor: Northern Exposure really shook tv. why did they show only Palin's room's damage? she's not the only person who lives in Alaska. you know why they name them fjords?
Yas: cos
Doctor: cos they were bored. bored fjords. originally you weren't supposed to be able to escape from a fjord. like now. the trees here are so verdant and tall and dark brown and Twilight.
Graham: you know trees and dark German faerie-tale forests existed before Twilight.
Chibnall: millennial audience, Graham, remember? we're down to 5 million…
Doctor: i'm uncomfortable calling you Chibo now that i'm in a higher position than you.
* Doctor: yeah so this door has three locked padlocks so let's do this, let's break in!
Graham: oh, so THAT's what that sonic is for, it's a thief's tool! a sledgehammer, pick, do my backpocket, Doc, i dare ya. i thought it was some sex thing. and now this has become the Collyer Brothers...only i get that reference…
Doctor: this has become Wizard of Oz.
* Hanne: and her sisters. wish i had sisters. i'm of course an only child cos this is a horror story.
Doctor: trust us, i'm pretty, you're just gonna have to trust me on that.
Ryan: where's your dad? haha just kidding, i know your dad abandoned you. all dads eventually leave their families to hook up with their kid's teenage artschool teacher.
Hanne: fuck you! i do art! and my art is better than Banksy's!
Doctor: mine?
Graham: all art is better than Banksy's. Banksy is more of a concept than an artist.
* Ryan: you're good with people, i'm rubbish with them. must be my hand.
Yas: on-the-job training, as a cop i've nailed many many many people to the wall, you learn how to talk to them real quick. and one many may named Theresa. she didn't really get the job, right? she was just voted in. ha! you got scared when the jack-o-lantern sprung up!
Ryan: in Norway, dusty puppets are a lifestyle…
Chibnall: guys, we just got canceled!
Yas: seriously?
Chibnall: in Norway.
* Doctor: and now, this has become Ingmar Bergman's last unfinished film.
Graham: oh yeah, the Wind film. Ingmar Bergman once called Orson Welles fat and Orson rejoindered back by calling Ingmar skinny, they ate strawberries at Ingmar's island but no cream.
Doctor: WHY!? NO!! CAN'T BE!!! there cannot be a mirror in this universe or any other universe that's blank in which i cannot see the reflection of my beauty! i will solve this, Hanne, for YOU!
Graham: you're just gonna go right through the damn mirror? are you a nutter? you could die, you have NO idea what's out there!
Doctor: well i kinda do but yeah i'm reckless and fun like that. it's probably some other dimension or something like this has become The Twilight Zone.
* Hanne: why are you such a bastard to me?
Ryan: just explain it to me one more time: you're a brilliant actress who isn't really blind, right?
Doctor: Ryan, look at me...sorry, Hanne, that was insensitive. look at what i'm writing on the wood wall.
Graham: what is it with you and writing on walls? you love injuring property innit?
Doctor: the blueprints...
Hanne: you're lying to me, the lot o ya! those letters aren't blue!!! you're saying my dad is dead and throw me in an orphanage!
Ryan: see? you ARE acting! and you're acting like a little git.
* Ryan: why do you hate me so much?
Hanne: it's not a racial thing.
Ryan: what the fuck? why did your dad trap you and box you in from the world with speakers like this!?
Hanne: oh he REALLY likes Halloween. all of us in foggy misty Norway, it's like our national holiday, tailormade.
Ryan: he was just trying to protect you. you only have one dad.
Hanne: but he listens to Slayer backwards, backmasking it to see if Satan speaks to him.
Doctor: no more Satan this season, kay? can't take it.
Ryan: your dad should have gotten you wifi.
Hanne: but Norway is such a beautiful place with wonders of nature!
Ryan: trust me, going outside is overrated.
* Ribbons: i'm Ribbons, i'm always hungry for pussy, i have seven stomachs.
Graham: i like you, mate, you're a pre-MeToo villain.
Ribbons: i'm so disgusting to look at you forget the disgusting things i say.
Doctor: and now this episode has become Old Gregg.
Ribbons: yeah, when pee becomes wee, that's a dead giveaway.
Ryan: i'd give you my shoe for the Baileys but i need it for my hand. Baileys, like McDonalds, the s is not 's.
Ribbons: i live in the Antizone cos i'm antiauthoritarian, only place that'll have me.
Doctor: Flesh Moths?
Yas: we would have been scared of these big buggers but we had the Giant Spider episode before this one.
Graham: yeah, i like black honey.
Ryan: ew. preserve the memory of Nan. not your jelly preserves.
* Ribbons: i'm getting swarmed to death by these Flesh Moths, but it's pleasurable, they're "flesh" cos they're naked. i jack off to these moths every night in the cave and this finally is my real reward, i need no card. i'll be okay, death is no big deal. that's why my name was Ribbons, i was cut to ribbons, now you know retroactively.
Graham: mate you were a Star Trek: TNG reject. smile for the cameras, sunshine.
Ribbons: only (now) on BBC America!
Graham: i took you down! remember i used to be a cop. did a lot of running in caves. i'm a better cop than Yasmin will ever be!
* Doctor: oi mate! fooking slacker dad!
dad: hey i'm a musician, can't you tell from my scruffy beard?
Doctor: bitch you got mirror-married!!?
dad: no this is Trine, my dead wife and Hanne's dead mother.
Trine: i know i'm dead. but i am alive. i'm like the Julia Roberts of Norwegian soap operas aren't i. i'm huge here and unknown in the rest of the globe.
Ryan: you've got your priorities screwed, mate! you've already thought of your penis, that's how you made Hanne! you've got a daughter back home, she went blind when you masturbated!
* Doctor: and now this show is Black Mirror.
Graham: Grace, is that really you?
Grace: fuck this, even in the afterlife i still can't escape doing laundry! white sheets flowing in the wind on a line outside smelling like Tide Pods, this is so undignified.
Graham: how can this be? it must be a trick.
Doctor: life is one big trick. how do we know this reality we're living in now isn't some holographic trick? are we real simply because we THINK we're real? God is a bloody prankster!
Grace: dimension, death, all i know is that i'm real.
Chibnall: i can confirm this, the actress playing Grace is the same one we've used...
* Grace: i feel real. i touch real. i think real. isn't a life simply the collection of memories? i remember everything. i like turtles i mean frogs.
Graham: a-HA! Grace would NEVER look at youtube!
Grace: Frogger was my favorite arcade game.
Graham: i also quite liked the Frogger we played in the bedroom.
Grace: did you ever catch that guy who murdered me? Stenza or something?
Graham: um yeah, still working on that, he'll probably appear in the Christmas episode or the Children In Need Rednose Special some such shit. we're having too much fun with the other characters.
Grace: so i'm not a priority. even though i delivered Priority Mail.
Graham: i met Rosa Parks!
Grace: was she hotter than me?
* Hanne: you're not my mommy! you're just some tart who got her talons into my daddy's money!
dad: once again, i'm a musician, a reddit musician…
Doctor: that's where the blindness angle comes in, only super-sensitive blind girl can REALLY know the smell of her real mother.
Hanne: they said i'd be auditioning for SpiderGwen. another lie.
* Yas: you had a Nan Gran, too?
Chibnall: i decree that EVERY character has a nan. or gran, cos i had one.
Doctor: i had five grans. my parents were swingers in the '70s. so the Solitract…
Yas: i don't exercise, don't need to. can't you see my fit bum in these jeans?
* Doctor: let us go!
Solitract: we are an Alternate Sentient Universe, isn't that cool? we want attention, too! like the so-called "real world".
Doctor: so you're an Instagram-obsessed 12-year-old girl into MTV? see? we hate men and women equally on this show.
Solitract: we will fight you! with our palms! but not, like, karate chops. we'll push you but no shoving, it's like an all-air pump-action thing and you fall down on the other side of the mirror gently.
* Doctor: Hanne's dad, your marriage is hereby annulled by me cos your officiant was a frog!
dad: yes but isn't your officiant license from the internet, too?
Doctor: i'm God, bitch! God Themselves!
* Graham: this is the hardest decision i've ever had to make.
Doctor: leaving Grace?
Graham: no, doing this show. i should have done Coronation Street instead.
* Doctor: well here we are. just the two of us.
the frog starts singing "Torn Between Two Lovers..."
Doctor: wha? who's the other bitch you're cheating on me with!? i'm God so i don't get jealous but still i'm all-knowing so i'd like to know.
frog: The Third Doctor.
Doctor: i'm just the Third Doctor with my polarity reversed. why is Heaven always depicted with white clouds and a bare archway like this?
frog: this isn't Heaven, it's just another room. remember when you licked my bumpy forehead at the wrap party? thought it was a bag of crisps?
Doctor: i'm feeling like a fool. life is only a trip. this is a meditation on death. so there's no afterlife, it's all just another dimension. and when someone dies, it's like leaving an entire universe that will never be explored, a space with grand feelings and grand thoughts you'll never know, never learn about and from. cos that's the way the life/death thing works, you can never know while you're alive.
frog: did you say something? it got so boring so i stopped listening. you were dying on me, Doc. did you know i was Kermit The Frog's original design?
Doctor: i'll miss you. you're a metaphor for how i haven't found my prince, my man yet, haven't married yet. it sucks being a woman, so much societal pressure.
* dad: so i guess we'll go to Oslo. that's where they make Olympic gold medals under the table.
Hanne: wait, Ryan! don't go before i give you a big hug! wow, you're muscular, didn't notice before.
Ryan: give it five years, kid...
* Ryan: why you cryin', old man? you crying hard.
Graham: i lost her again. Nan.
Ryan: i've already forgotten about Nan, that's what the psychiatrists say to do, right? to heal?
Graham: there's one thing i never got a chance to do with Nan. so you're gonna have to fill in for her in her stead. kiss me, Ryan.
Ryan: bro i was about to call you Grandpa but not now! not ever! you lost your chance! next time i call you Gran it means you owe me a thou in pounds for the cover charge to the gaming tournament! video games were cheap in your day. i am Miles Morales the cop's son but you are no cop! my hands are in the perfect positions for thwipping web fluid.
Graham: i'm your Dirty Grandpa, son, give me your cheek.
Doctor: "Love Is Blind" is another one...
* last time: this is how Capaldi should have Regenerated into Jodie: have him become a woman for the first time right as she's being attached to the ducking cucking stool. talk about jumping right into it! the hard eduction of being a woman in this world!
* it takes you away: already a stilted title. but i'm not gonna make assumptions the way Ryan did this episode.
* i know i'm a stickler for titles but i just LOVE titles, i love titles of books more than the books. humble replacements: "The Fucking Fulfords in Fjords" "The Neverending Nuances of Norway Neversee" "Live-Action Hypnotoad" "Solitract Is Not The Name of a Fitbit" "Deadbeat Dad: Now That's A New Excuse!"
* The Doctor: i love eating strange berries.
Yas: don't i know it, you did a number on mine.
Ryan: those weren't berries, those were Slenderman's balls...
Doctor: i'm incapable of being poisoned. only by racist tweets.
Yas: cabin in the woods?
Doctor: please, we're gonna run the gamut before we're through.
Graham: fucking Log Cabin Brexiters.
* Doctor: the atmosphere is peak.
Ryan: Peak District.
Doctor: the fog is thick like peas, the lake shivering like the truth, it's always overcast even when it's daytime…
Graham: so it's Alaska after the Little Big One Quake?
Doctor: Northern Exposure really shook tv. why did they show only Palin's room's damage? she's not the only person who lives in Alaska. you know why they name them fjords?
Yas: cos
Doctor: cos they were bored. bored fjords. originally you weren't supposed to be able to escape from a fjord. like now. the trees here are so verdant and tall and dark brown and Twilight.
Graham: you know trees and dark German faerie-tale forests existed before Twilight.
Chibnall: millennial audience, Graham, remember? we're down to 5 million…
Doctor: i'm uncomfortable calling you Chibo now that i'm in a higher position than you.
* Doctor: yeah so this door has three locked padlocks so let's do this, let's break in!
Graham: oh, so THAT's what that sonic is for, it's a thief's tool! a sledgehammer, pick, do my backpocket, Doc, i dare ya. i thought it was some sex thing. and now this has become the Collyer Brothers...only i get that reference…
Doctor: this has become Wizard of Oz.
* Hanne: and her sisters. wish i had sisters. i'm of course an only child cos this is a horror story.
Doctor: trust us, i'm pretty, you're just gonna have to trust me on that.
Ryan: where's your dad? haha just kidding, i know your dad abandoned you. all dads eventually leave their families to hook up with their kid's teenage artschool teacher.
Hanne: fuck you! i do art! and my art is better than Banksy's!
Doctor: mine?
Graham: all art is better than Banksy's. Banksy is more of a concept than an artist.
* Ryan: you're good with people, i'm rubbish with them. must be my hand.
Yas: on-the-job training, as a cop i've nailed many many many people to the wall, you learn how to talk to them real quick. and one many may named Theresa. she didn't really get the job, right? she was just voted in. ha! you got scared when the jack-o-lantern sprung up!
Ryan: in Norway, dusty puppets are a lifestyle…
Chibnall: guys, we just got canceled!
Yas: seriously?
Chibnall: in Norway.
* Doctor: and now, this has become Ingmar Bergman's last unfinished film.
Graham: oh yeah, the Wind film. Ingmar Bergman once called Orson Welles fat and Orson rejoindered back by calling Ingmar skinny, they ate strawberries at Ingmar's island but no cream.
Doctor: WHY!? NO!! CAN'T BE!!! there cannot be a mirror in this universe or any other universe that's blank in which i cannot see the reflection of my beauty! i will solve this, Hanne, for YOU!
Graham: you're just gonna go right through the damn mirror? are you a nutter? you could die, you have NO idea what's out there!
Doctor: well i kinda do but yeah i'm reckless and fun like that. it's probably some other dimension or something like this has become The Twilight Zone.
* Hanne: why are you such a bastard to me?
Ryan: just explain it to me one more time: you're a brilliant actress who isn't really blind, right?
Doctor: Ryan, look at me...sorry, Hanne, that was insensitive. look at what i'm writing on the wood wall.
Graham: what is it with you and writing on walls? you love injuring property innit?
Doctor: the blueprints...
Hanne: you're lying to me, the lot o ya! those letters aren't blue!!! you're saying my dad is dead and throw me in an orphanage!
Ryan: see? you ARE acting! and you're acting like a little git.
* Ryan: why do you hate me so much?
Hanne: it's not a racial thing.
Ryan: what the fuck? why did your dad trap you and box you in from the world with speakers like this!?
Hanne: oh he REALLY likes Halloween. all of us in foggy misty Norway, it's like our national holiday, tailormade.
Ryan: he was just trying to protect you. you only have one dad.
Hanne: but he listens to Slayer backwards, backmasking it to see if Satan speaks to him.
Doctor: no more Satan this season, kay? can't take it.
Ryan: your dad should have gotten you wifi.
Hanne: but Norway is such a beautiful place with wonders of nature!
Ryan: trust me, going outside is overrated.
* Ribbons: i'm Ribbons, i'm always hungry for pussy, i have seven stomachs.
Graham: i like you, mate, you're a pre-MeToo villain.
Ribbons: i'm so disgusting to look at you forget the disgusting things i say.
Doctor: and now this episode has become Old Gregg.
Ribbons: yeah, when pee becomes wee, that's a dead giveaway.
Ryan: i'd give you my shoe for the Baileys but i need it for my hand. Baileys, like McDonalds, the s is not 's.
Ribbons: i live in the Antizone cos i'm antiauthoritarian, only place that'll have me.
Doctor: Flesh Moths?
Yas: we would have been scared of these big buggers but we had the Giant Spider episode before this one.
Graham: yeah, i like black honey.
Ryan: ew. preserve the memory of Nan. not your jelly preserves.
* Ribbons: i'm getting swarmed to death by these Flesh Moths, but it's pleasurable, they're "flesh" cos they're naked. i jack off to these moths every night in the cave and this finally is my real reward, i need no card. i'll be okay, death is no big deal. that's why my name was Ribbons, i was cut to ribbons, now you know retroactively.
Graham: mate you were a Star Trek: TNG reject. smile for the cameras, sunshine.
Ribbons: only (now) on BBC America!
Graham: i took you down! remember i used to be a cop. did a lot of running in caves. i'm a better cop than Yasmin will ever be!
* Doctor: oi mate! fooking slacker dad!
dad: hey i'm a musician, can't you tell from my scruffy beard?
Doctor: bitch you got mirror-married!!?
dad: no this is Trine, my dead wife and Hanne's dead mother.
Trine: i know i'm dead. but i am alive. i'm like the Julia Roberts of Norwegian soap operas aren't i. i'm huge here and unknown in the rest of the globe.
Ryan: you've got your priorities screwed, mate! you've already thought of your penis, that's how you made Hanne! you've got a daughter back home, she went blind when you masturbated!
* Doctor: and now this show is Black Mirror.
Graham: Grace, is that really you?
Grace: fuck this, even in the afterlife i still can't escape doing laundry! white sheets flowing in the wind on a line outside smelling like Tide Pods, this is so undignified.
Graham: how can this be? it must be a trick.
Doctor: life is one big trick. how do we know this reality we're living in now isn't some holographic trick? are we real simply because we THINK we're real? God is a bloody prankster!
Grace: dimension, death, all i know is that i'm real.
Chibnall: i can confirm this, the actress playing Grace is the same one we've used...
* Grace: i feel real. i touch real. i think real. isn't a life simply the collection of memories? i remember everything. i like turtles i mean frogs.
Graham: a-HA! Grace would NEVER look at youtube!
Grace: Frogger was my favorite arcade game.
Graham: i also quite liked the Frogger we played in the bedroom.
Grace: did you ever catch that guy who murdered me? Stenza or something?
Graham: um yeah, still working on that, he'll probably appear in the Christmas episode or the Children In Need Rednose Special some such shit. we're having too much fun with the other characters.
Grace: so i'm not a priority. even though i delivered Priority Mail.
Graham: i met Rosa Parks!
Grace: was she hotter than me?
* Hanne: you're not my mommy! you're just some tart who got her talons into my daddy's money!
dad: once again, i'm a musician, a reddit musician…
Doctor: that's where the blindness angle comes in, only super-sensitive blind girl can REALLY know the smell of her real mother.
Hanne: they said i'd be auditioning for SpiderGwen. another lie.
* Yas: you had a Nan Gran, too?
Chibnall: i decree that EVERY character has a nan. or gran, cos i had one.
Doctor: i had five grans. my parents were swingers in the '70s. so the Solitract…
Yas: i don't exercise, don't need to. can't you see my fit bum in these jeans?
* Doctor: let us go!
Solitract: we are an Alternate Sentient Universe, isn't that cool? we want attention, too! like the so-called "real world".
Doctor: so you're an Instagram-obsessed 12-year-old girl into MTV? see? we hate men and women equally on this show.
Solitract: we will fight you! with our palms! but not, like, karate chops. we'll push you but no shoving, it's like an all-air pump-action thing and you fall down on the other side of the mirror gently.
* Doctor: Hanne's dad, your marriage is hereby annulled by me cos your officiant was a frog!
dad: yes but isn't your officiant license from the internet, too?
Doctor: i'm God, bitch! God Themselves!
* Graham: this is the hardest decision i've ever had to make.
Doctor: leaving Grace?
Graham: no, doing this show. i should have done Coronation Street instead.
* Doctor: well here we are. just the two of us.
the frog starts singing "Torn Between Two Lovers..."
Doctor: wha? who's the other bitch you're cheating on me with!? i'm God so i don't get jealous but still i'm all-knowing so i'd like to know.
frog: The Third Doctor.
Doctor: i'm just the Third Doctor with my polarity reversed. why is Heaven always depicted with white clouds and a bare archway like this?
frog: this isn't Heaven, it's just another room. remember when you licked my bumpy forehead at the wrap party? thought it was a bag of crisps?
Doctor: i'm feeling like a fool. life is only a trip. this is a meditation on death. so there's no afterlife, it's all just another dimension. and when someone dies, it's like leaving an entire universe that will never be explored, a space with grand feelings and grand thoughts you'll never know, never learn about and from. cos that's the way the life/death thing works, you can never know while you're alive.
frog: did you say something? it got so boring so i stopped listening. you were dying on me, Doc. did you know i was Kermit The Frog's original design?
Doctor: i'll miss you. you're a metaphor for how i haven't found my prince, my man yet, haven't married yet. it sucks being a woman, so much societal pressure.
* dad: so i guess we'll go to Oslo. that's where they make Olympic gold medals under the table.
Hanne: wait, Ryan! don't go before i give you a big hug! wow, you're muscular, didn't notice before.
Ryan: give it five years, kid...
* Ryan: why you cryin', old man? you crying hard.
Graham: i lost her again. Nan.
Ryan: i've already forgotten about Nan, that's what the psychiatrists say to do, right? to heal?
Graham: there's one thing i never got a chance to do with Nan. so you're gonna have to fill in for her in her stead. kiss me, Ryan.
Ryan: bro i was about to call you Grandpa but not now! not ever! you lost your chance! next time i call you Gran it means you owe me a thou in pounds for the cover charge to the gaming tournament! video games were cheap in your day. i am Miles Morales the cop's son but you are no cop! my hands are in the perfect positions for thwipping web fluid.
Graham: i'm your Dirty Grandpa, son, give me your cheek.
Doctor: "Love Is Blind" is another one...
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