The X-Files "My Struggle II"

learned:

* still nothing to do with Hitler. i think.

* and i thought LAST week was the strangest hour of television i had ever watched. not good strange, weird bad strange. not so much strange love as the strange.

* Scully: my name is Dana Scully. i wanted to be a doctor. i wanted to be a scientist. i wanted to be Neil deGrasse Tyson. then i got abducted by aliens. now i host my own show on Fox.

* Scully: OMG WHERE'S MULDER????!!!!
Skinner: relax he just went to lunch. i'm glad you aked, you forced Chris Carter to write me a line.
Scully: OMG THERE'S ALIEN POISON IN THOSE FASTFOOD CHEESEBURGERS!!!!

* Scully: the science here is very complicated but basically it comes down to alien DNA. we need as much alien as possible.
Tad O'Malley: so you're saying you're a Bernie supporter? that's the real global pandemic.

* Einstein: is it just me or is the dialogue in this episode off, wonky, and unnatural?
Scully: it is wonky. but you're still overacting.

* Reyes: how did you survive a missile to the face?
Cigarette Smoking Man: i survive worse to my face at the club on Saturday nights.
Reyes: who do you think you are? God?
CSM: i'm the most dangerous being who has ever lived. so yes, God. you're prettier than that other girl who smoked my cigarettes for me.
Reyes: the joke's on you, these are menthols.
CSM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* Scully: so you show up out of the blue after all these years to announce you're a coward?
Reyes: damn you, Chris Carter, i was told i was gonna be in the Darin Morgan episode.

*  Mulder takes off his shirt. the assailant takes off his shirt. the two engage in some rad kung-fu fighting in a log cabin.
assailant: you're pretty good. you got some nice moves. who trained you?
Mulder: Master Splinter.
assailant: yeah i'm just here waiting for this Gronk Boat thing to start.

* Scully: stop! do not loot! do not riot! do not smash iphone-store windows. wait, is that the new iphone? can you get me one of those? yeah, that one, thanks. i wanted to get mine fixed but i ended up having sex with a Lizard Man at the last iphone store i went to.

* Einstein and Scully engage in some hot one-on-one ginger-babe-on-ginger-babe action. even blood is exchanged.

* Miller tries to see where Mulder is headed by tapping into his computer.
Miller (takes a breath): prepare for the weirdest porn you've ever imagined...............wait, all i see are cat pics. and it says on his calendar that Mulder is regularly keeping his weekly appointments with his psychiatrist. it's worse than i thought!

* CSM: did you know that this year was the hottest year on record in all of human history?
Mulder: so that justifies killing everyone?
CSM: have you seen my face when i take off my skin? i chafe easily, this heat's no good for me. genocide is such a dirty word. i like to think of it as a little mass-murder to accelerate the process and get to the New Age quicker. think of it this way: we shudder at suicide but take someone dying of old age more easily. both are deaths, it's just a matter of time. death is death, no matter how long it takes.
Mulder: so you won't mind if i shoot you right here and now and waste no time?
CSM: please, Fox, that's so uncivilized. i'm your father btw. and your son is an alien.
Mulder: fine, i'll karate-chop you then. what alien told you of this grand apocalyptic prophecy?
CSM: it was all foretold by E.T.

* Miller: why did you form this cabal?
CSM: who the hell are you? anyway, i formed it to be close to Madonna. i'm an '80s child through and through.
Mulder: if i can't stop you, someone else will. someone else will save the planet.
Captain Planet flies into the log cabin and kicks CSM's ass.
CSM: see? told ya.

* Tad (on the webcast): folks, this is the end. the end of civilization. it's the end of the world as we know it and i don't feel fine. wait. i'm getting a text. from a doctor? no, it's from my baby mama asking for child support. as i was saying, the hot ginger doctor says we're all gonna be okay...

* the alien spaceship hovers above Scully.
aliens: we are known as the Deus Ex Machina.
Miller: Scully! get out from under that alien ship's beam! you're getting dangerously close to a cliffhanger!
Scully: it's okay, Agent Miller. i'm doing this for all of us. this ensures they will HAVE to make more episodes.
Mulder: our son William is driving that alien ship, huh?
Scully: don't be silly, Fox, William's too young to drive.

* oh, "My Struggle, Too". i just got that.

The X-Files "Babylon"

learned:

* do i have to? i'd rather do the Gravity Falls finale......................so Dipper and Wendy didn't have sex right there on a pile of autumn leaves? nevermind then.

* man this script was all over the place. this script's picture is in the dictionary for the word "mood whiplash". hey remember those huge bulky dictionaries with the occasional picture of some definition every 15 pages or so? ah, books. i miss their smell.

* American: now what you o'there babblin' about? some bomb in yo shorts o something?
Muslim: i'm speaking proper English, you're just a redneck.

* i actually thought this would be about those poor souls catching fire after their ziggurat blew up from the terrorist bomb. they would remain alive despite their bodies covered in flame as they became avenging angels, divinely trumpeted in the background...

* Scully: you don't believe in God, do you, Mulder?
Mulder: i've touched the face of God.
Mulder touches Scully's face.

* Einstein: yes, it's just a coincidence that i have red hair. and yes it's just a coincidence that my last name is Einstein.
Scully: i'd do a "gingers unite" chant but i'm not so sure.
Mulder: this begs the existential question: is it really The X-Files if it's not Mulder and Scully?
Doggett and Reyes: it isn't. trust us, it isn't.
Mulder: i trust no one.

* Miller: stop shouting!
Einstein: oh so if a man shouts, it's strong, but if a woman shouts, it's grating?
Miller: i'm not a sexist but there is such a thing as overacting y'know. i'm not a sexist but have you noticed that the believer is the calm one while the nonbeliever is the hysterical one? i'm not a sexist but it's a good thing you're cute.

* nurse who switches off the terrorist's life support: i'm a nurse but i'm a Murican first...

* Mulder trips on shrooms and sees the Lone Gunmen at the club.
Mulder: i'm on drugs but i can still discern that this is not the "appearance" of the Lone Gunmen the fans wanted.
Mulder: i'm trippin' on a hole in a paper heart. R.I.P. Scott Weiland. i'm not ON drugs, i AM drugs...

* Einstein: it was a placebo, Mulder. it was niacin.
Mulder: that explains it, i'm allergic to niacin *flushes* i'm also allergic to country music.

* terrorist's mother: my son would never do such a thing. he's a good boy.
the waves on his life support machine start wavering.
Scully: look! he's coming to.
terrorist's mother: no, my son is squirming cos he thinks Scully is hot. a mother knows.

* Mulder: i was in an alternate plane.
Scully: were you seated next to William Shatner? did you see a monster on the wings?
Mulder: i'm on a boat. but with hooded figures. on the River Styx. and there was the terrorist's mother holding her son like Mary holding Jesus.
Scully: maybe that's what Heaven is, one big trip.

* Mulder: i heard what the terrorist said. but it was in Arabic so i couldn't understand it. too bad. if only he spoke alien.

* Einstein: what a day. after everything that happened to us, this proves we make a pretty good team.
Miller: so when do you want to go out?
Einstein: i have a boyfriend.
Miller: what, seriously?!

* Scully: why is there so much hate in the world?
Mulder: i blame 4chan.

* Mulder: did you hear that?
Scully: trumpets?
Mulder: no, that was me. i farted. sorry.

The X-Files "Home Again"

learned:

* http://youtube.com/watch?v=pebJN-4qnLw

* this episode proves you can't go home again...

* did anyone else think this script was like the fourth draft when it needed to be the twentieth draft? i mean what's the point of filming if it's not at least the twentieth draft?

* the city hoses down its homeless.
Gaeta: hey, at least it's not gonna smell as bad around here anymore.

* i miss BSG.

* Gaeta: who are you? what are you doing?
Trashman: i'm the Trashman. i take out the trash. sorry.
Gaeta: what's with the bandage on your nose?
Trashman: PLEASE don't call me by my given name!

* Mulder: didn't even have the decency to put it in the right recycling bin.
FBI: Mulder, right? i thought you did the spooky cases. why are you joking around?
Mulder: have you not seen this show? we were around for a long time.
FBI: new viewer. you're gonna have to win me over. i won't fall for your nostalgia.

* Scully (on the phone): okay. i understand.
Mulder: is it your mother?
Scully: no, it's my motherfucking brother.

* Scully (by her mother's bedside): please don't go home again.
dying mother: but i love our house.
Scully: i mean to Heaven. we're religious scientists, remember?
dying mother: daughter i have a confession to make: i'm an alien.
Scully: that explains so much. Chris Carter thanks you.

* Mulder: i'm here. wanna play World of Warcraft? i'm a dark wizard.

* Scully: Mulder, i know you're the brooding big-question beefcake, but all i want right now are answers to the small questions.
Mulder: like what's your favorite color. what is your favorite color, Scully?
Scully: pepperoni.
Mulder: oh................i had some other questions for you but nevermind.

* Scully: why did you estrange yourself from the family?
estranged brother: i was the only human one. all you guys had been anally probed, i felt left out.

* art thief: yeah i'm gonna name this one Fart Collector, haha.
Trashman gorily kills the art thief.
art thief: Banksy, what happened to you? why so mad?
Trashman: i realized i was doing all this street art for free. i'm not me when i'm hungry.

* councilwoman: but why are you going after me? i was trying to help you folk. i just want my daughter to be safe.
Trashman: sorry but i really love "Downtown", hits me right in the nostalgia. art is pain.

* Scully falls cryingly into Mulder's chest.
Scully: i saw my mother being covered up with a tarp!
Mulder: it's okay, it wasn't your mother's corpse, it was mine *X-Files theme*

* Tim Armstrong: okay so it's my golem. in my defense, i'm a pretty good artist, right?
Mulder: i'm more Nirvana.
Tim Armstrong: that's a dirty word in our household. we say enlightenment.

* Scully: Trashman is your responsibility, he's your psychopath child.
Tim Armstrong: in my defense, the garbage trucks run on time.

* Mulder: this guy is a robotic murderer.
Tim Armstrong: in my defense, he's an avenging angel.
Mulder: yeah, i suppose. okay, i guess we'll drop it. file this under case closed. or something. i gotta go to the beach with my ginger lady.

* Scully: above all, Fox, i hope we didn't treat William like trash.
Mulder: not the right time i know, but would you mind doing a paternity test?

The X-Files "Mulder & Scully Meet the Were-Monster"

learned:

* don't know if laughing cos it's superbly silly or as a defense mechanism against the utter darkness.

* Scully: don't throw pencils at MY poster.
Mulder: this isn't your poster, i have a real poster of you i use i mean i have at my place.
Scully: you're looking dour, Fox. and you're sounding more and more like me. this isn't gonna work. well okay for 6 episodes maybe it can work.
Mulder: it's just that everything i thought were monsters turned out to be green glass. and i hate Perrier.

* Mulder: so we're looking for a were-lizard reptile humanoid with two eyes and human teeth.
Mulder breaks the fourth wall, looks directly at the camera and audience at home, and gives the Jenna Marbles Face.

* Kumail Nanjiani: what's wrong with your phone app? it keeps flashing.
Mulder: it's that Pokemon seizure thing all over again!
Kumail: Pokemon are the real monsters.

* Mulder: why is it that the only witnesses to these monsters are always potheads, crackheads, and...
motel clerk: peeping toms.
transgender woman: crackups like you, FBI man.
Scully: what's with all the animal masks? furry?
motel clerk: no, i just really love animals.

* psychologist: everything can be reduced to psychology. everything can be cured with a pill. everything is a delusion, the truth is eternal nothingness.
Mulder: what are you taking pills for there, doc?
psychologist: i'm under the delusion that everything i say is right.

* Mulder: the Lizard Man is either a lizard who became a human or a human who became a lizard.
Scully: what's the difference?
Mulder: one is evolution, one is just weird.

* drivethru woman: sir, you have to be in your car to use the drivethru. otherwise you must step inside.
Lizard Man: what if i pedal my bicycle inside?

* Lizard Man: i hated my job at the smartphone shoppe. i was just babbling nonsense to customers.
Mulder: so you were the Trump of the place.
Lizard Man: i really wanted it to be Hillary vs. Carly, those debates would have been a pleasure to watch alone in my motel room.

* Scully: there's something wrong with my phone, you haven't sent me your dick pics yet.
Lizard Man: so that's what a penis is for. and that's what the internet is for. i thought the penis was for urination. i thought the internet was for seeing the world and research.
Mulder: is that what Scully is really like? i wouldn't know, we have a platonic relationship. i sent that sperm donation to her out of pure love. i'm either asexual or a workaholic.

* Lizard Man: there's more in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophies.
Mulder: but i'm from Mars.

* Kumail Nanjiani: okay i'm the killer. but let me explain. i had a rough childhood.
Mulder: don't care.
Kumail: no wait! see i'm this intergalactic being named Prismo. turns out my boss is this guy named Finn who started the Mushroom War and created a giant gaping hole in the globe...