Doctor Who "Thin Ice"

learned:

* altogether this really wasn't that great. Dollard maybe should have killed Bill.

* why are there no more Frost Fairs? they looked like great fun in the no-sun! the Thames still has water, right? i was all ready to get my tickets online for Frost Fair 2018. but Pearl Jam blocked me.

* the Doctor: you don't steer the TARDIS, the TARDIS steers you.
Bill: cheeky

* Bill: i guess there are more black people here than i would think.
the Doctor: history is one big white-wash. history is written by the winners.
Bill: history was written by Charlie Sheen?

* the Doctor: if you step on a butterfly, nothing will happen.
Bill: all i care about is will the instagram blue butterfly emoji remain?

* the Doctor: you're a liar and a thief.
fair coin person: that's racist.

* alky lives matter

* wrestlers: we're not wrestlers, we love each other.

* the Doctor: where's the shitter?
Bill: the bloke who digs up the dung bricks from the sea creature's butt? over there.

* Bill: Doctor, these cute kids are getting away with your sonic screwdriver!
the Doctor: that thing is useless you know.

* Bill: i can't believe you let that kid drown in ice water!
the Doctor: my sonic screwdriver is more important.

* Bill: *wiping away tears* have you ever killed someone?
the Doctor: no, those were the other Doctors.

* the Doctor: i can't afford the luxury of moral outrage.
Bill: come see me when you've got a black Doctor. Black Bauer is kicking your arse.

* kids: are you a lesbian?
Bill: how?
the Doctor: kids have the best gaydar.

* CLICK HERE

* Sutcliffe: respect your betters, slave!
Bill: fuck you.
Sutcliffe: um, again? i already did this with Martha.

* Sutcliffe: why'd you hit me?
the Doctor: would you punch baby Trump?

* the Doctor: a society is enlightened by how it treats its least amongst it the same as its privileged.
Sutcliffe: i know already, i go to Sunday School. i won't fall prey to your florid vocabulary, i'm a science major. Pluto is a planet, dammit!

* Sutcliffe: i know i'm gonna die. from my first line i knew the monster would eat me.

* Sutcliffe: i'm gonna drop the mother of all bombs!
the Doctor: see?

* Bill: Doctor, you accidentally killed the underwater sea creature by transferring the bombs. you were supposed to blow up the chains, not the monster!
the Doctor: oh well. i think i'll pull a Kennedy and try to resign. anyone else want to be the Doctor? can i leave the set now?
Dollard: you still have a contract, Peter.
Capaldi: getting too old for this factory shit.

* Kitty: hey what happened to Perry?
the Doctor: Spider?
Kitty: no, the other boy.
the Doctor: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh there was no other boy. you were hallucinating from malnutrition. eat up, kids. eat some more.

* Nardole: dammit Doctor, you said i could be the Companion this time!

* Bill: why is there no mention of the monster in the papers?
the Doctor: fake news. all of this is fake, this is a tv show.

* Nardole: no i won't! i won't let you out!
Vault: *KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK* LET ME OUT. I AM THE MASTER.
Nardole: no, mother, you are tricking me again. you stay in there. i'm still not done having fun in your basement.

Justice League Action "Luthor in Paradise"

learned:

* quick question before we start: where would comics be without Greek mythology?

* did it live up to the hype? does anything besides LeBron James?

* amazon: thank you.
Hippolyta: for what?

* Lex Luthor: i am the man.
amazon: Diana warned us about this man. one-minute man.
Lex: no, wha, no, that's not true! i have a reputation with the ladies to uphold! i'll sue you for libel!
amazon: too late, the review of you is already up. on Amazon.

* Hippolyta: be gone from Themyscira!
Lex: you need mascara, honey.
Hippolyta: i went on a date with you, Lex, remember? my bad review of you has been added to your Amazon profile.

* Hippolyta: Circe, why are you working with this loathsome man?
Circe: i like bald guys.
Hippolyta: but...i mean...wait...look at this picture of Lupita Nyong'o? isn't she sexy?

* Lex: why do you really love me?
Circe: my name means pig. you're a pig. together we're bacon.

* Wonder Woman: Circe, get me out of this stone hand! i do not like being fisted!
Batman: should i take this one or...?
Superman: i think i better take this one...

* Hippolyta: you need my staff. your staffs are small.
Batman: tell me about it. it's just Alfred.

* Superman: what's the Fallen Realm?
Wonder Woman: google it with your oculus.
Superman: what's the Oculus of the Argo?
Wonder Woman: a thing you use to have virtual naked sex with Taylor Swift.

* Batman: Olympian Gods? i was home-schooled.

* Hippolyta: i am ashamed. Hera herself entrusted me with Zeus's power.
Superman: why didn't Zeus just give you His power Himself?
Hippolyta: they're in the middle of a messy divorce. it's Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Krypton.

* Wonder Woman: all men are untrustworthy.
come on, writers, don't clean it up cos it's a kid's show. the real world is brutal out there.

* Batman: slow down! i don't have any powers and i'm jumping over things like Mario upside-down! someone take care of this flying monster for me!
Wonder Woman: man you whine too much. that's why i dumped you.

* Lex: okay so the main thing about this circle thingy is that it's giving me hair! i look literally like Michelangelo's God!
Circe: the turtle? *shoots*
Lex: why are you shooting at me?
Circe: like i said, i like bald guys.

* Circe: i don't see a problem here. i'm growing trees. i'm good for the environment.

* Wonder Woman: the Lasso of Truth is around you. what do you really think of Circe?
Lex: please! i can't afford another bad review!

* Hippolyta: so despite all the female empowerment the men save the day? can we get some female writers? i'm not validating your parking. get these damn drones outta ma face!

* Hippolyta: you are banished! to Tartarus with you!
Circe: i'll go willingly if you promise never to smile again. i can see your tartar. queenie you need to brush yo teeth! you might need no man but you need toothpaste!

Doctor Who "Smile"

learned:

* knock-through. thank you.

* i am smiling. this is how i smile.

* YES! does this mean new House of Anubis?!!!

* Nardole: are you sure you don't me to say more lines? i don't have another project.
writer: no it's okay.

* Bill: how much did the TARDIS cost?
the Doctor: 1 bitcoin but it's complicated.

* the Doctor: past or future?
Bill: present.
the Doctor: oh.

* Bill: let me frolic in these wheatfields a bit more.
the Doctor: careful you'll lose your bow.
Bill: nah, tons of hairspray in this fro. it's a wig.

* the Doctor: you damn wet brain!
Bill: that's racist.

* Bill: so in the future, there is no language, only emojis.
the Doctor: you see there was this orange man who sped up the end of the world...

* Bill: i can't see my own emotion?
the Doctor: neither can i. it's like me on dates. i can't read you women. i ended up dating my own daughter.

* the Doctor: like a scale weighing itself...
Bill: i wonder how fat that girl i fed all the chips to is now...

* Bill: i hate jello.
the Doctor: not touching that one.

* Bill: hold up, you have two hearts? you must have horribly high blood pressure.
the Doctor: every time i regenerate, i have a heart attack. it's not funny.

* Bill: where is everybody?
the Doctor: NIN song or Twilight Zone episode?

* Bill: OMG Doctor, skulls! that stuff is farmer fertilizer! fertilizer made of farmers!
the Doctor: i know this is in poor taste but i still had to take a shower, i stunk. it was my soap and i'm sorry about that.

* Bill: EREHWON? what's that?
the Doctor: basically the UN.

* the Doctor: you'll be my map.
Bill: i don't do maps. i have automatic GPS on my phone, it does all the work.
the Doctor: fucking millennials.

* the Doctor: i forget, is it the red wire or the blue wire? i'm getting too old for this shit...

* the Doctor: how does it feel to be onboard a real spaceship?
Bill: it's no Enterprise but it's not nothing. where's Data the robot?
the Doctor: he's not a robot either. um...can we say that name?...BBC America still has the rights to TNG?

* Bill: Doctor, look at this. it's a poor woman as old as my gran.
the Doctor: that's you!
Bill: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
the Doctor: kidding.

* the Doctor: unhappiness is the enemy.
Bill: and Prozac is the cure.
the Doctor: consult your Doctor.

* Bill: sometimes i'm not happy and don't feel like smiling.
the Doctor: that's when you must smile the most.
Bill: that's depressing.

* the Doctor: wait, there are no more books in the future? it's just fucking blocks of shite touchscreens everywhere?!!! i hate my life.
Bill: now you're sounding like me.
the Doctor: fine, i hate my lives.

* the Doctor: you see, the entire building is made of bugs.
Bill: sounds like my first studio apartment in Oakland.
the Doctor: yeah i was there. i was your landlord.
Bill: never saw my landlord in those days. just slipped the rent envelope under the door. back to creepy-stalker Doctor again, eh?

* boy: hello. where am i? who am i? where's my mommy?!!!
Bill: you're supposed to say when am i?

* settler: he killed our people!
the Doctor: please, not the young Hitler analogy again. we did that episode extensively already.
settler: no the robot killed our people.
the Doctor: oh. sorry. i'm getting too old for this shit. my mind is wandering. i'm already thinking about my next project.

* the Doctor: what's the opposite of a massacre?
Bill: an orgy?
the Doctor: no, a lecture. i'm a professor, remember?
Bill: yeah well i'm a pro, too.

* the Doctor: on the subject of sex, look there isn't an easy way to tell you this, but i wanted the ginger for the Companion, not you.
Bill: she has a name you know.
the Doctor: what is it?
Bill: Heather, i looked it up.

* the Doctor: so you see the poor fisherman had to pay for his son's funeral who had come back in a pine box with the gold. he used his last wish to reset everything like it had never happened.
settler: it's like that X-Files episode.
the Doctor: ixnay on the referring to other sci-fi series on this show, it makes us look desperate.
Bill: i'd use the gold to buy instagram followers. of course i don't have a son.

* the Doctor: these sentient beings are the new planet natives. they are your new robot overlords.
Bill: i for one welcome them.
settler: so they're like those Indians who were at the top of the episode? treat them like the Indians?
the Doctor: y'know what forget i said anything.

* settlers: wait THAT's the price of rent around here? fuck that, we're moving to Oakland!!!

* Bill: Doctor, why is there an elephant on the frozen River Thames?
the Doctor: it's gonna strap on ice skates and do a couple of figure 8s. don't you watch cartoons?

Doctor Who "The Pilot"

learned:

* if Capaldi can quit why can't i?

* the pilot, Moffat wants to start over. or this is the quintessential pilot episode of the show if it was a new show in 2017, this is what it would look like. pretty good. i like the Doctor as a doctor of philosophy.

* before we begin i'm saying right now upfront before we start i'm not into this anymore. something changed through the years. it became more of a drag than fun, something i had to watch rather than needing to watch. for street cred.

* i'm sure this show will suck me back in after a long break as always.

* wait, Class? more Doctor Who? spinoff? hell no, that's too much, sorry.

* first impressions: i like Bill. i can't understand a word Bill is saying but i like Bill.

* Bill Potts just sounds like Harry Potter's dad.

* chips specialist, that is all-time

* so time doesn't exist. or time exists and we don't really exist.

* Bill is concerned for the fat. Bill will never get fat cos Bill has a high metabolism. Bill can eat all the chips she wants but that's besides the point.

* just bring back River. her picture is right there.

* why is the Doctor always shown as being a creepy stalker with a camera?

* there's something about this show and Christmas. it always comes back to Christmas. Christmas is the end of everything. there's always that same scene with the Christmas cracker and paper crowns.

* stepmom trolling for dates at a pub? this can't end well.

* gives new meaning to puddle-jumper

* water is terrifying cos it's the essence of all life

* see that's what Moffat and Hitchcock only knew. the scary part of the Psycho shower scene was the water, not the knife.

* lesbian, yes! okay, finally, the fanfiction shipping wars will be nice and calm.

* perpetuating the gingers with no souls thing

* the Doctor: meet me for office hours.
the Doctor: wow, we actually did work during office hours. i tutored you and there was no sex.
Bill: for the first time in history, Doctor, there will be absolutely no sexual tension between you and the Companion.
the Doctor: well there was Catherine Tate...........but i just found Catherine Tate to be repugnant in every way.

* can someone help me out? what does Bill say? kung fu? feng shui? it does look like a posh kitchen though. what came first, the Iron Chef set or this TARDIS?

* Bill: what does TARDIS mean in Martian?
the Doctor: Taco Bell And Running Deportment ICE Sucks...........i thought you said Mexican

* Nardole. why? think about it in terms of strict finance. why pay Nardole? you think the show could work without a Companion, just the Doctor going on adventures?.........probably not, you'd lose half the audience who aren't science nerds and merely use the show to fap for an hour. keep that stuff for the radio dramas.

* the Doctor: students are useless.
Bill: teachers are useless.
Nardole: i am useless.
Dalek: EXTERMINATE!
the Dalek exterminates Nardole.
the Doctor: thank you.
Bill: thank you.
Dalek: you're welcome.

* Bill: what are you boys fiddling with in the basement?
Nardole: um, nothing, we were just masturbating each other.
the Doctor: don't you know a sci-fi nerd's sanctuary is his basement? no girls allowed!

* Bill: why do you have a star for an iris?
ginger: cos i'm a fucking pop star, mate.

* Bill: my whole life i've been searching. for what i never knew. turns out she found me. i was searching for someone who was searching for me.
ginger: thank you that is so poetic. you're making me blush. it's hard to tell but i'm blushing.
Bill: no you aren't the one. my soul mate is someone else. you're hot, though, and will be my first firebush.

* Bill: i could have traveled the entire universe with my ginger girlfriend. sex amongst the stars. i was gonna call her Ginger Galaxy Girlfriend or Gal for short.
the Doctor: no. it's better to remain a rational nobody who will search for her long-lost mum and never find her and get fat off chips and eventually die.

* Bill: okay do your worst. but would you like to be wiped?
the Doctor: yes thank you, i haven't wiped my own ass in years.
Bill: no i mean have all your wonderful memories of all the fantastic otherworldly places you've been erased just like that? poof. you have to ask yourself: are you gonna be a tv-recapper all your life or are you finally gonna be an actor?

* Bill: what changed your mind?
the Doctor: i'm old. i'm REALLY fucking old now and i'm GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT

* yep. sucked. me in

Justice League Action "Hat Trick"

learned:

* Gotham Fashion can mean a lot of things.

* again?

* i still say that hat is tacky. it's better off.

* Faust is a bit weaker than i remember from the old German fable.

* red bunnies, but not flying bunnies

* The Sorcerer's Apprentice outtakes

* Zatanna: BPS. bunny positional system. comes in handy when my man strays.
Etrigan: who would stray from you, my true?
Batman: so, bitch positional system.

* Merlin's too old for this shit.

* Felix Faust: *dab*

* Zatanna: you caused all this destruction just for youth?
Felix Faust: no, the hair, the hair! the Trent Reznor hair!
Zatanna: yeah, back when he was skinny and on heroin and the music didn't suck.

* Felix Faust: wanna go out with me now that i look like Jack Tripper?
Zatanna: you're still old enough to be my father.........oh wait...

* Felix: where did you learn to speak backwards?
Zatanna: English as a Second Language. to a non-native speaker, English is crazy talk.

* Zatanna: how dare you mock David Blaine!!!

* Felix: has anyone ever told you you're cute when you're angry?
Zatanna: and i don't get wrinkles. magic.

* Felix: my kung fu is better than your kung fu.
Zatanna: i can't understand your mouth flaps.

* Zatanna: didn't think a girl could punch, huh?
Felix: you must be amazing in bed. you like it rough?
Zatanna: don't get any ideas with these chains. strictly professional.

* Etrigan: opening for a new Boy Wonder?
Batman: he calls himself Nightwing now. he'll come crawling back when he doesn't have someone there to wipe his ass for him.
Etrigan: they all gotta grow up sometime.
Batman: no, Robin literally doesn't know how to wipe his own ass. i always did it for him.

* Zatanna: all hat no cattle.
Ghast: thanks, i was missing the other Demons Two, that's all.

Justice League Action "Speed Demon"

learned:

* Zatanna: you stole my boyfriend! i'm gonna let you have it!
Harley: no, that's another iteration of me, where we're friends and i have no morals. this is the iteration of me where i'm still evil.

* Zatanna: FUCK YOU!
Harley: shouldn't it be KCUF UOY?

* Batman: you know you really do look silly wearing a magician's top hat and tails on the streets.
Zatanna: no tail, man. i'm married to the writer Paul Dini.
Batman: this looks like the fiendish work of that degenerate Brother Night.
Zatanna: i hear he's a dj now.
Batman: my point stands.

* monster guard: there's a lot of illegal activity going on inside this club.
other monster guard: i know. deep house is a crime. the future is V A P O R W A V E

* patron: do you resent having to wear that skimpy skin-tight dress?
waitress: it's not like when i'm naked at my other job.
patron: stripper?
waitress: no. i'm a monster. monsters don't wear clothes.

* Zatanna: you Evil-Lyn wannabe!
Ember: that's more insulting than insulting my breath.

* Brother Night: you could be an actual real bat.
Batman: i'm not gonna sugar-coat it. this costume is itchy as fuck.

* Zatanna: you Maleficent wannabe!
Ember: your words are more hurtful than words used to cast evil spells.

* Zatanna: need a tune-up?
Batman: you said you were married.
Zatanna: no, the demonic Batmobile.
Batman: i don't care about that hunkajunk, it's a rental.

* Brother Night: isn't it fun driving at night?
Batman: no! i can tolerate many things. but not speeding. anything but speeding!

* Batman: turn into Etrigan, Jason!
Jason Blood: you don't need Etrigan, you need a mechanic.
Batman: Mick Kanic of Power Rangers Ninja Steel is off this Saturday. and like for the next six months or something.
Jason Blood: no Power Rangers the whole summer?! these hiatuses are brutal.

* Batman: you're gonna rhyme the whole time?
Etrigan: i was denied having Dr. Seuss read to me as a child. this is how i cope as an adult.

* Etrigan: the lovely mage must not be fried...
Batman: forget it, buddy, she's married to some hotshot writer.

* Etrigan: hit a mailbox, letters flew everywhere. no matter. nobody writes letters anymore.

* man petting dog: Lady, do you want some ice cream?
dog: why do humans think we want your disgusting human food? i want Tramp. where's Tramp at? i want to fuck Tramp.

* Etrigan: turn that cop car into a pig.
Merlin turns Etrigan into a pig.
Merlin: not cool, man. i was MI-5 before becoming a wizard.

* Zatanna: thanks. get me out of this!
Batman: you don't like to be bound and gagged?
Zatanna: only when Paul Dini writes it.

* Etrigan: you scream, i definitely scream, we all scream...
Zatanna: oooh, sprinkles.
Etrigan: you like more than vanilla, lovely mage?
Batman: got any of those ice creams in the shape of a giant foot with a bubblegum as the big toe? i love licking those.
Zatanna: you're a foot freak?
Batman: i spend all of my time alone in a cave looking at a computer. now to fix this rental. it's filled with chocolate.
Etrigan: that's not chocolate. sorry.

Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Gold Rush"

learned:

* Becca Barnes: Chip, you HAVE to promise me we won't let Jordi Webber go! he can't just be a guest  star, he's too damn handsome, i need to look at his face daily!

* Levi Weston: i'm a country singer. my last name has "west" in it. my first album went Gold...

* Sarah: i'm first in line for the train...
Hayley: no, dammit, i'm first! i'm first! i've got to win something! if the writers won't give it to me i'll give it to myself!

* girl: i'm Levi Weston's biggest fan hence my fan costume.
Victor: dumb girl. stupid girl.
Monty: cut it out, Victor, that's the daughter of the president of Saban.

* Levi: thanks for saving me out there. i don't have friends who aren't hangers-on and just in it for the fame. i guess you could say i'm kinda like Justin Bieber.
Brody: yeah we already did the boy Ranger thing to varying success.

* lady: thanks for fixing my mode of transport.
Levi: cute kid you got in the seat there.
lady: it's yours, Levi.
Levi: i can't raise a kid, i'm the Gold Ranger.

* monster: where's the Gold Star?!
Levi Weston's manager: is this cos i'm black?
monster: no it's cos you're the Black Ranger...

* reporter: the Gold Ranger makes his triumphant appearance to the world!
Calvin: i'm the Yellow Ranger! me! the Gold Ranger's suit is more of a Mustard Yellow, he's the Mustard Yellow Ranger.

* Levi: i don't need a bodyguard anymore, i can fight this monster alone, for i am the Gold Ranger!
Brody: so you're not going to pay me?

* Brody: what happened?
Levi: Madame Odius kidnapped me. i let her cos she was cute. i'm into fucking rubber suits.

* flashback:
Madame Odius: come with me, Gold Ranger. i shall make you a pop idol.
Levi: but i don't know how to sing.
Madame Odius: hence you will be the perfect pop idol.

* Gold Ranger enters headquarters.
Redbot: watch yourself, that first step's a doozy. it's like a giant fan. it will slice you up into pieces. it did to me and i'm not human.

* Gold Ranger: hey what's my zord gonna be?
Mick: i was thinking either a cowboy hat or a guitar.
Redbot: or a bull cos you're full of bull.

* Sarah: it's good to have you on the team, Levi. dibs.
Hayley: dammit! i really hate you, Sarah!
Sarah: hey you decided to be in a relationship from the start. that really hampered your character development.
Hayley: *sigh*

* Victor: okay okay so now i'm the "Big Fan". where's my backstage pass? where the groupies at? where are the green M&Ms and the bubbles? hey Monty turn the fan off, i'm starting to fly away.
Monty: off button? there's no off button.
Victor: why the fuck wouldn't you include an off button?!
Monty: budget cuts. ratings. this show isn't doing as well as expected.

* lady: y'know i just realized that Levi didn't actually sing this episode.
Madame Odius: he can't sing.
lady: my child is a lie.
Madame Odius: tell me about it. it's getting harder and harder these days for us women to find someone worthy to jill off to.