Power Rangers Ninja Steel "The Royal Rival"

learned:

* spoilers: 7th Ranger

* or the royal AR-rival

* Levi: wait that means it's imbalanced. there won't be even couples.
Preston: i always thought you and i, cowboy...
Redbot: i saw him first! when he was a boy! we were locked in the ship boiler-room together.

* Sarah: you can eat any cookie you want. except mine.

* Victor: i never had a mom who got mad at me. i never had a mom. that's why i'm the school bully.
Monty: i'll be your mom, Victor.
Victor: i never had my mom's cookie.

* Victor: give me your lunch, Monty. without the money.
Monty: my mom made it.
Victor: don't rub it in. let's see how you do with fish, broocoli, and liver.
Monty: that's a dead fish.
Victor: that's what your cellmate's gonna call you in prison. we go to prison this episode.

* teacher: and where's YOUR business proposal?
Victor: if i'm good do i get an A?

* Cosmo: the Voltron Lion Galaxy!...sorry...

* monster crowd: is it Princess Diana?
Cosmo: no.
monster crowd: not interested.

* Princess Viera: i thought i would be wearing a flowing dress. you really can't tell what this show is just from reading the script.

* Sarah: carrot and chicken cookie?
girl: pregnant.

* Victor: how does this cow work? do i tickle its butt?
Monty: that's not how you make milk. i'm typing "milk" in the searchbox.
Victor: careful with some of those sites.
Victor gets doused with milk.
Victor: please tell me this is milk.
cop: nope. that's leftover cum from the porn we film on these same sets at night.

* Preston: i'll use my magic to cut the carrots faster.
Mick: lazy foreigner! you're not supposed to use your Ranger powers for evil.

* Drillion: I AM DRILLION!
Sarah: forget it, dude.

* Sarah: oh no! that person's falling. for five minutes.
after the commercial break
Sarah: good thing i had these bad CGI vines up my sleeve.

* whoa. Carmelo's got a shirt with LeBron James. Russell Brand, and Thom Yorke on it.

* Galvanax: look, Drillion, when Princess Foofoo here is done deliberating in a thoughtful measured way and opts for a non-violent response, it's time for a real leader to take command if you catch my drift.
Drillion: i hate politics.
Galvanax: perfect. more Trump, less Clinton.

* Sarah: you hot in street clothes. got that goth thing going on.
Viera: i'm not a lesbian but can i just say.................i mean the ass................your ass is alien.
Sarah: thanks for being my one billionth Instagram follower.

* why the thief have to be brown?...

* Viera: MIGHT IS RIGHT
Sarah: you a Whitehead, too?
Viera: i'm nothing like those racist monsters.
Sarah: no, T.H. White, The Once and Future King

* Billy: i had to drop out of school to feed my kid. my kid sis.
Sarah: here's my cookie cart.
Billy: so i don't have to go back to school?
Sarah: nah, school's a waste of time. just become a Power Ranger and you're set for life.

* Viera: keep fighting as long as you can, i have an idea. i stole the Voltron Torso after Princess Allura dumped me. we had a lot in common.

* Madame Odius: keep a lookout for Princess Viera. she's trying to steal my woman power on the show.

* Drillion: i'm like WAY stronger than anything you've ever faced! i better not be a one-shot! i better come back!

* Viera: there were always hushed rumors about Power Rangers just being a Voltron ripoff. now those rumors are confirmed!

* Viera: you can't destroy the Lion Ship.
Lion Ship crashes and explodes.

* Billy: i even reenrolled in school.
Sarah: why?
teacher: S&P said we had to for a kid's show. if Nickelodeon cancels us, we literally have nowhere else to go. this show is poison. security, get this brown kid off the school grounds!

* Law & Order: Victor & Monty
Victor: well hello Mariska Hargitay, why is your fine ass on this set?
Mariska: Dick Wolf's a dick. this is the only way we can continue with SVU. SVU has been going on for so long everyone hates it now. even me. the show is poison.

Justice League Action "Superman Red Vs. Superman Blue"

learned:

* spoilers: it's not just Superman.

* woman: he's stolen the pulse regulator!................i'm Lois Lane.

* Lex Luthor: this is just what i need! with this battery i can power up my shakeweight. that was Amber Tamblyn on the phone just now. she called off our date suddenly.

* so blue is the emo side and red is the loving side, right?

* Lex: i carried the 1. but i forgot to carry the 2.

* Blue Superman: wanna split a malted?
Red Superman: i only drink Tecate.
Blue Supes stops Red Supes from punching Lex for some reason.

* Lex: this show is so good it needs to be seen whilst eating popcorn. as in THIS show, Justice League Action.

* Lex: stand back, woman! i don't know what this emitter will do.....okay so this gun must be fired at you cos the plot demands we hint at some sort of foursome or something.

* Red Wonder Woman: i'm gonna kick your ass!
Blue Wonder Woman: do whatever you want to me, i won't fight back.
Lex: i don't need popcorn, i need lotion!

* Red Superman: let's take over the world.
Wonder Woman: finally i'm not embarrassed to date you.

* Blue Wonder Woman: allow us to escort you to your lovely prison cell.
Lex: as long as i can talk to Guard Green Arrow i'll be fine. he is quite the conversationalist.

* Blue Wonder Woman: you like turkey meatloaf?
Lex: only with ketchup.
Blue Superman: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, red.

* Green Arrow: what's with all the hip-hip-hooray cheering?
Blue Superman and Blue Wonder Woman: no we were chanting HIP HIP FOREPLAY. this is our sex ritual. this is our foreplay.

* Red Wonder Woman: i'll grind you into paste.
Green Arrow: in bed?
Red Wonder Woman: what?
Green Arrow: i like a bad woman.
Red Wonder Woman: Blue's the one with the sex ritual.

* Red Batman: truce?
Blue Batman: yes i am Bruce. so are you. wait..............ugh! you have to help me!
Red Batman: what is it?
Blue Batman: i'm trying to smile but my mouth won't let me.

* Red Batman: you're too small!
Red Wonder Woman: i'll kick your ass if you tell me i need to smile more.
Red Batman: we'll split...
Red Superman: i only drink Tecate.

* Batman: i was having the most wonderfullest dream. my name was Adam. and i was in Heaven.

* Blue Batman: i'm only gonna say this once: i forgive you. okay twice. i became Born-Again after my parents died.

* Red Lex Luthor: perhaps i can be of some assistance. i'm acting now.

* Green Arrow: you can't change me. there's already a Red Hood.

* M. Night: TWIST!
Lex: hey man, where'd you go?
M. Night: Avatar II was WAY over-budget.

* Green Arrow: you whacked the Blue Lex with a chair.
Red Lex: i always wanted to be a wrestling heel.
Superman: that's basically what your character is.

* Green Arrow: wait, a good Lex would be good for the world.
Lex: but not good for sales. look what's happened over at Marvel. people are stupid and simple-minded and don't want diversity. change is bad.

* Lex: i can't believe i betrayed myself! that's brilliant!
Wonder Woman: or sad.
James Woods: i haven't given up. i'll place a call to the studio. David Cross is bald, he'll play Lex Luthor in the movie. i'll come on set as a consultant...

Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "The Duke"

learned:

* Lost is back!...

* i really do love Jorge. so natural and a good human being in this land of internet filth and moral nihilism. but i have to wonder if he'd be the same Jorge if he lost weight. he wouldn't get the same kind of roles, would that change him as a person?

* Ray is Wise to work with these two jokers.

* Rhea Perlman is one of those women who's not supposed to be hot but still somehow is.

* Pamungo: racist

* oh, and the concept here is brilliant. lottery scratchers as casino games, that is something i'd come up with only on my very very very best day.

* 2 tickets, not fuck you.

* Rhea: did you brush your teeth today?
Jorge: what are you, my mother?

* Ray: Maureen is pretty, but Rhea is more exotic. one Potter's Gold for the lady.
Rhea: what's the difference?
Ray: the Illuminati symbol. see this? it's my lucky coin i wear around my neck.
Rhea: that's really dumb, you could choke on that.

* Jorge: i would not be shoveling lo mein in my mouth right now if i were skinnier.

* Tim & Eric: we are contracted to be in this episode here.
Tim: i'm working on my music here.

* Ray: you got an anime shirt on?
Jorge: don't make assumptions, i have a beard.

* Brian: i'm between jobs......................................okay, fine, Lost really really really needs to come back! not just for me, for tv! we need to kill the reality shows like we did the first time! the hobbit guy can get work, he's handsome! Heaven isn't the end! Heaven is just the beginning!

* the Duke: have some of daddy's famous spiked eggs. you said he'd eat the eggs, right?
Rhea: look at him, he'll eat anything.
Brian: you got some nice white chest hairs.

* the Duke: scratch it like a bug bite!
Brian: i don't think i've ever gotten a bug bite. if i did i never felt it.

* Brian: *slams photos* what's the meaning of this?
the Duke: you were cosplaying with your mom as your bride. isn't that what cosplayers do?

* the Duke: i'll admit, this comes as a shock...................i had no idea your wife would be such a good lay.
Brian: GET OUT
the Duke: wait. you'll get all the treats and toys you want. you'll never work another day in your life.
Brian: how's that?
the Duke: you'll turn into one of those gamer zombies that lives in the basement, right?

* the Duke: nice easy strokes...like shaving your legs...see behind the silver...you're a basement Michelangelo!

* the Duke: can we get a dust-off here!.....................no take that cocaine back, not now.

* Rhea: i think it's better this way, don't you?
Brian: it's just the right amount of weird.

* the Duke: we're all one big happy family! in a kind of malaise-y unspoken hazy arrangement.
Brian: which present is it?
the Duke: the grunge one.

* this episode was homey

Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "Baklava"

learned:

* Twilight Zone is back! we need it more than ever. Twilight Zone is the only thing that makes sense in this insane world.

* this may just be my favorite series in a long while.

* a keyboard-seller's, the perfect dripping-with-desperation setting for a Bedtime Story

* baklava: the baklava thing starts to get old after awhile. don't know what other confection could have been used tho. chocolate cake maybe?

* Eric: this woman in the hostage video is my real-life wife. it's not what you think.

* woman: luckily the Cowboys won that important first divisional game, good for tiebreakers later in the season...

* Eric: you're a real brass boy.
man: of course i had to have brass balls to raise you, son, you were a terror as a teenager.
Eric: why wasn't there music in the house, dad? not a marching band, not a clavinova.
man: you were into that shit music with the wolves wearing crowns.

* Barry: son? no way you have a son, Mr. Crown.
Mr. Crown: i talk like this cos i had to be the mother, too.

* Crown: baklava.
Barry: i had some lamb at that Middle Eastern restaurant and threw up.
Crown: you can't say that. baklava is good for my diabetic self.
Barry: how's that? why is honey less dangerous than sugar?

* Barry: there it is, the Big Board. seven more sales and i can get this ponytail removed.

* Barry: if i don't, millions of people will die.
Manny: but not me, right?

* *kicks balloons* Warren even sold Spaghett one!

* Manny: we have a problem. they were closed.
Crown: it was 3AM.
Manny: it's the only time you'll let me take my lunch.

* Crown: they took my B-B-B.
Barry: ?
Crown: my baklava, Big Barry. if i don't get some i'll kill myself.
Barry: it's just sex. no biggie. i'm a virgin and i still have my daughter Janie.
Crown: i'm gonna do it...multiple times.
Barry: i wonder if Frank has any managerial experience.

* Barry: what's the bleach for?
Crown: my voice.

* Barry: damn it Warren stop brown-nosing!
Warren: that's racist, i'm black, not brown.

* Crown: i especially like the nuttiness.

* Crown: dammit Warren look at these levels! the winds have died down considerably. this thing was a dud.

* Crown: go sell me some piano.
Warren: is that slang?
Crown: look it up in urbandictionary. on my anemometer.

* Barry: huh, this synehesizer produces a car-horn sound. don't know when you'd need that.

* Barry: you can't keep doing this to yourself, sir!
Crown: no this wasn't one of them. this is just a really old car.

* Barry: is there a concert pianist in the house?
woman: well i would have been if you weren't such a terror as a teenager.
Barry: hi, mom.

* Crown: before we begin this is like that Twilight Zone episode where the guy in the glass cuts his throat as the only way to remain silent. not trying to cut you off at the pass but there it is.

* Crown: why don't you have the insulin impant, Barry?
Barry: budget. we're an intimate, homey show.

* Crown: this won't be a minute. gotta go bleach my hair again. one more treatment. gotta look presentable for the suicide.

* woman: if you don't sell me this keyboard right now i'll tell your boss about the elephant ivory!

* Manny: *blank-eyed* I'M the one with the managerial experience!

Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Ace and the Race"

learned:

* Sarah: this episode was a bust.
Redbot: like Hurricane Irma, amirite?
Sarah: this episode was about busts. not my bust, trophy busts. this episode was a bust.
Hayley: like the US Open Final.

* mayor: say hello to Bubbles, the mascot!
Preston: hello, Bubbles.
mayor: that was rhetorical. Bubbles is a fish he don't care.

* Sarah: *sigh* so i gotta wear lycra now?

* Brody: who's Ace?
Calvin: he's like the New Zealand Fonzie!

* Hayley: awesome Ace.
Shoespike: i got a spike running through my shoe, that's why i talk funny.
Hayley: don't worry, you don't sound like Arnold. nobody knows what i sound like cos for some reason i never speak in interviews promoting this show, i'm the only Ranger who doesn't talk.

* the faces stuck on trophy poles, that's a little too nightmare-fuel for kids.

* Shoespike transforms into a human marathoner.
Cosmo: now that's scary!
human Shoespike: it's me, Chip Lynn! this is actually what i look like!

* Ace: wanna look at the goods?
Calvin: OH YEAH
Ace: the car, man, don't touch my woman.

* Ace: what's this black stuff?
Calvin: Symbiote black ooze.
Ace: thanks, man, i felt the no Spider-Man episode this week.

* Calvin: you want me to push this entire pony car myself?
Ace: it's just a prop.

* human Shoespike: wanna touch my douche nozzle?

* Monty: be honest, want do you want to look good the most?
Victor: fine. my nails.

* Preston: why do i have a leaf on my head?
Levi: cos you are Shogun of the Wind, the Leaf Ninja, of the Land of the Far East. i'm from the West hence my cowboy hat.

* human Shoespike: did you guys know you're on a reality show?
Rangers: were are all on a reality show. a reality show called life. that only God watches. well Zordon watches.

* Shoespike: i henceforth banish you to the fish tank!
Victor: i can't swim but this is literally my only chance at love.
Monty: you are literally drowning, my Victor, drowning in love.
Victor: yes i am literally drowning.

* Calvin: you're a fraud! you said you built this engine yourself.
Ace: i did. indirectly. i got it done at Pep Boys. why do you think the Boys are so Peppy all the time? i used my woman here to make sure they did a good job.

* Mick: why does my garage look like the junkyard on Transformers: Robots In Disguise?

* Victor: what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
javelin-thrower: you talking to me or the mermaid?

* Calvin: what's going on over here?
Sarah: typical male pissing contest.

* Brody: all right, ready to do the three-legged race?
Levi: this is how most people first learn about BDSM.

* Redbot: now i want to watch Chariots of Fire...................searching.................it's not on Netflix anymore...............Netfllix got stupid when it started wanting to win Emmys. the streaming is too complicated, go back to lists and discs!

* Cosmo: this was Shoespike's only loss!
Rocky Marciano: i will beat Floyd Mayweather's ass from beyond the grave.

* Calvin: do you forgive me?
Hayley: we all make mistakes. except me.
Calvin: i'm ditching you again.
Hayley: don't matter none. we'll always end up back together. have you seen the final script? we're in a sitcom.

* Victor: i'm president of my high school................somehow..................i somehow got elected even though everyone at my school hates me.......

* Redbot: there was only one film in the Netflix queue disc list: Monster in a Box. nice!

Justice League Action "Superman's Pal, Sid Sharp"

learned:

* i thought Sid Sharp was a legacy character, been around since the beginning...

* what came first, the voice or the character design?...

* cabbie: super-kerfuffle?
Sid: yeah the Super Bowl. i am Lovitz! and i'm loving me! since you're a cabbie i won't use the camel joke.
cabbie: can you believe i'm not Space Cabbie?

* cop: tape recorder?
Sid: i think this show's supposed to have a throwback feel. what's a mercantile bank?
cop: bank for midgets like you.
Sid: you know where the nearest donut shop is?
cop: racist.
Sid: no, for me, not you. the donuts are for me!

* Clark Kent: poaching? is that like milking? i was raised in a barn.
Sid: it came over the wire.
Clark: i don't watch porn.

* Sid: want a boot in your ass?
Clark: like i said, i don't watch porn.
Sid: check your hearing, pal.
Clark: you seem to be the one who can't hear.
Sid: check your eyesight, pal.
Clark: these glasses are useless you know. like eclipse glasses.

* Olsen: Superman and Clark are the same person so they're real good pals.
Sid: friendship is the only thing that matters in life, Olsen. i don't care what they say about you.
Olsen: ginger without a soul?
Sid: no, you broke Clark and Lois Lane up, that's why she's seen but not heard in this episode. really the exact opposite of her characterization. she can't bear to speak, still not over the pain. thanks, kid, Lois's snark sells the piece and you muted her.

* Perry White: great Caesar's ghost!
Sid: Julius?
Perry: no, you blockhead, Sid, Sid, it's named after you! why are you in your cosplay, Sharp? cosplay ruined the internet generation! now there is only the greatest generation, my generation, who fought real wars not video-game wars!
Sid: i am Super Scoop! why isn't it ridiculous when Superman wears this and it is when i wear it?
Perry: cos you ugly.

* Darkseid: robbing a bank, is that code for masturbation? i'm all-powerful and bored so that's all i do now.
Kalibak: you at least didn't do it that one time, right, Dad?

* Superman: are you gonna be long, Sid?
Sid: change takes time.

* parademon: honestly this isn't our fault. you gave us the description and it turns out the man didn't look like his profile. just like my last Grindr date.

* Granny Goodness: oatmeal...
Sid: how dare you!
Granny: no the oatmeal is for me, i'm old!
Darkseid: so Granny Goodness? is that an ironic name?
Granny: i was good until you ate my pie.
Darkseid: so, us, are we a thing?
Granny: you wish. i signed the divorce papers on our wedding night. i got complete custody of our boy.
Darkseid: thank you. that Kalibak is not right in the head.

* Sid: you got a little phlegm in your throat?
Darkseid: yes.
Sid: oh. now you're humouring me. get it? the humours? phlegmatic?
Darkseid: i keep it in cos it's a cool voice. without it i'd be a boring white guy. Darth Vader Syndrome.

* Batman: this Sid Sharp, friend of yours?
Superman: co-worker. no need to be jealous.

* Sid: Superman, you okay?
Superman: not really.
Sid: what do you need?
Superman: more time.
Sid: more slime coming up. i'll get you more slime.

* Sid: Hoody over here said this and that. never trust a coach with a hoodie, he dabbles in black magic and the dark arts.

* Darkseid: the last son of Krypton...............do you want to be my son?

* Sid: Man of Tomorrow? i need a man right now!

* Sid: man of steal. hey has Letterman unretired yet cos of Trump?, i'm available Monday.

* Kalibak: daddy hug?
Desaad: i'll hug Kalibak if you spare my life!
Granny: hey! keep our relationship on the down-low till i get the Maury money from Darkseid.

* Olsen: all the reporters at this desk are all the animators of this episode i'm sure.
Sid: Pulitzer!
Olsen: all i want is one of those Desk awards.

* Perry: Apokolips.
Clark: lips? that sounds pornish.
Sid: why can't you print my story?
Perry: this paper is owned by Trump.

* Clark and Sid: you like that spinning-newspaper effect, Jimmy?
Olsen: what's a newspaper?

Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Family Fusion"

learned:

* even by Power Rangers standards this was a bad episode..........until the end, it saved itself in the end.

* Ripcon: what exactly are you saying, Aiden?
Aiden: i'm a double agent! *laughs*
Ripcon: your acting is so bad i'm just not sure what you're saying.

* Calvin: i hear Preston's pulling a rabbit out of his hat, coming?
Levi: think i'll pass. for the past.

* Monty: no bull? that's bullshit!
Victor: didn't know you had it in ya, Monty.
Monty: this is just my day job. i do porn at night.

* Sarah and Hayley: oh oh oh
Preston: impressive magic trick of mine?
Sarah and Hayley: no, we were orgasming.

* Monty: you're a wizarding whiz!
Victor: you saying i'm a wheezing whizzer? i cough when i pee?
Monty: why does Preston have a poster of a naked David Copperfield on the back of his locker door?

* Monty: where are we, sir?
Victor: Hell, Monty, we are in Hell.
Monty: i can see that, that giant rabbit is the stuff of nightmares.
Victor: Monty, don't tell anyone this, but my greatest fear is not a bunnyrabbit but being alone.

* Rangers and Mick storm in.
Rangers and Mick: stop now!
Brody: monster?
Rangers and Mick: no, stop that playing and singing! that's not music!

* Aiden: what are you hiding, Levi?

Aiden: holy shit! my boy Levi can slide! i get it now, he was ashamed of being good at a boring sport like baseball. i'll tell Levi to give Koda a call on his burger phone.

* Ripcon: but i learned that move in kindergarten!
Brody: wait, you went to school?

* the Ninja Fusion Star hits Levi in the stomach and ruptures his spleen.

* Levi throws the Ninja Fusion Star into the sky.
Brody: why'd you do that, brother? now the star is forever lost.
Levi: sorry, man, still whoozy from my ruptured spleen.

* Levi: Aiden, what are you doing with that trophy?
Aiden: the Ninja Steel is mine!
Levi: don't care about the Ninja Steel. that's my baseball trophy! give it back! i won it fair and square!

* Levi: i don't want to have to fight you! especially if i have to use this grill to do it. i was gonna grill my Texas-famous grill dogs on this grill.
Aiden: i am no one's brother.
Levi: brother you got a bad cold, your voice is hoarse, have a breath mint.

* the Rangers destroy Aiden without hesitation.
Aiden: you're lucky i was just some dumb bot and not Lt. Cmdr. Data or something. every life is worth study.

* Levi: i'm sensing something...........................Spidey sense?

* Brody: i can't believe i hugged that thing! i truly thought it was my brother cos his acting was as robotic as mine.

* Calvin: i'm a California hiker. every night after acting practice i traverse the green Tolkien mountains of New Zealand.

* Cosmo: i'll even throw in some Skullgators. we live in a time when the entire Earth was flooded and all that is left is Florida.

* Preston: so all you guys have nothing better to do at night than see a magic show? i thought the Rangers were teenagers with troubled pasts.

* Monty: i am terrified of bunnies!
Victor: come on, Monty, women aren't that yucky.

* Levi: i'm turning green! i'm the Incredible Hulk? i wanted to be Spidey. no wait it's worse, i'm turning into the Rita from the movie!

* Levi and Brody look into each other's eyes longingly.
Sarah: KISS KISS KISS KISS!!!
Sarah: is it a bad time to bring up the fact that i'm you boys' mother?
Levi and Brody: that makes last night VERY awkward! *all three laugh*

* Redbot: hey you guys got any marshmallows for Redbot?

* Brody: why'd you name yourself Levi Weston? that is such a stupid name.

* Sarah: *singing* together we are family...
Redbot: *singing* together we are family...
Hayley: hey Redbot, shut the fuck up.