Doctor Who "The Eaters of Light"

learned:

* bridge the gap, Rona!

* darn, i was gonna write a story about the Ninth Legion and what really happened to them...

* the Doctor: kaw is the name of the brave warrior girl, not the crows mucking about.
Bill: i still get paid if we don't do this episode. i signed a year-long contract.
Nardole: you are cruel, Doctor, you could at least warn us like your wife.
the Doctor: i'm from Scotland. i'm dreary and gloomy like Scotland. i'm a Time Lord, i already know everything.

* Bill: before we start, i'm gay.
Roman soldier: that's very limited. Claudius was considered strange for only liking women.
Bill: cheers.
Roman solider: we're all black as well.
Bill: i guess Roman times were more progressive.
Roman soldier: only if you weren't a Christian. you're obviously a lion.
Bill: what?
Roman soldier: your hair. it's a mane, right?

* Bill: so the TARDIS is like a universal translator, like Star Trek.
the Doctor: we still got the rights?

* Bill: light-eating locust?
Roman soldier: i know, that's racist. and orientationist.

* Nardole: i'll win them over with popcorn.
the Doctor: look at these boneless corpses.
Nardole: that's brilliant, Doctor! boneless wings, that's better!

* the Doctor: you know how Pictish stone were made?...................
Nardole: i haven't the faintest
the Doctor: crop circles.

* the Doctor: who are you?
Kar: Kar.
the Doctor: it should be Kaw. where is my Maisie?
Kar: filming the last dying dregs of Game of Thrones.

* the Doctor: the cairn is a wormhole. it's two days later.
Pict: we don't understand.
the Doctor: think Narnia and the closet.
Pict: we are all out of the closet.

* the Doctor: i love you more than the sun and the stars.
Kar: excuse me?
the Doctor: wouldn't you like to hear those words directed at you one day? from a man. or a woman. well you won't get the chance if the Eater of Light escapes.

* Bill: this is insane. kids killing kids.
Pict and Romans: does it get better in the future?
Bill: no. the only difference is the kids have more expensive toys.

* the Doctor: here's my plan for this episode. we use mirrors to reflect the daylight back at the monster.
Pict and Romans: mirrors? we don't have those. we don't care how we look. our appearance doesn't matter. we love one another.
the Doctor: how brave. i hate brave. well we need mirrors. and we need those that are willing to sacrifice their lives to guard the thing till the sun explodes. i'd nominate myself but Bill beat the shit out of me just now.
Pict and Romans: we'll go. we will make the ultimate sacrifice. as we've stated, we've already fucked each other. there's no one left to fuck in our groups, so our lives are complete. the orgy is done, and so are we.

* Missy: i can be good. *tearily lurches forward*
the Doctor: *pulling away* that's the thing with hope. it's intoxicating.
Missy: hold my hand, Doctor. let's fuck.
the Doctor: it's tempting, but i have to keep reminding myself you're really Simm. and i'm not Roman in that regard.

Justice League Action "Battle for the Bottled City"

learned:

* Brainiac: triangulation complete.............the Triangle Offense doesn't work anymore, Phil! all the charm of a Kryptonian condominium...............Jeff Goldblum helped me with my Krypt condo at apartments.com.

* Brainiac: *shocked emoji* SUPERMAN WAS A ROBOT ALL ALONG??!

* Cyborg: i know, i remember, i'm on this show now, i have to be competent.

* Superman: the Mall of Krypton...
Cyborg: come on, dude, that ain't no mall, that's a couple nail salons and a Sbarro.

* Superman: who are you?
Atom: just call me Blue Guy. it doesn't really matter.

* Atom: remember to bring back all the tissue samples i asked for.
Superman: i don't masturbate, i'm a Boy Scout.

* Chancellor: we finally meet.
Superman: how are you?
Chancellor: prolly shouldn't have given the Superman robots the same eye-clearance as you but oh well

* Cyborg: i thought this was a fortress!
Atom: it's a pillow fort.
Cyborg: this isn't Kandor, it's Cleveland..............and who the hell says they want to vacation in Cleveland?!

* Atom: i make it a policy to duck.
Cyborg: so you're one of those backwoods bearded Republicans on that duck show? i hate those guys.
Atom: uh, no.
Cyborg: i need time to reboot.
Atom: you can't have my booty.
Cyborg: no. man why is everyone so triggered these days?

* Brainiac: i'm not a hoarder, just a very detailed-oriented completionist collector. ask my cat.
cat: ..................

* S&P: can't show Superman without a head, it'll traumatize the kids forever.

* Chancellor: *folding arms* brrrr, why has it suddenly turned cold? for the record, if Brainiac is our god, you have permission to tip this bottle into your mouth and drink its inhabitants.

* Superman: i just realized i have the same strength and powers small as big. it might be more convenient for me to stay small.
Brainiac: pervert. i'm telling Lois and all her yoga moms at the YMCA changing room.

* Atom: i deserved that. after all i am the size of a flea. i deserved to get flicked like that.

* Superman: maybe i should try to embiggen Kandor instead of leaving them in a bottle and warming it up...
Cyborg: bigly

* Superman: you know what they say, if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes.
Chancellor: we are in prison in this bottle. five minutes might as well be five hundred years.
Cyborg: wasn't Mark Twain a robot?

Doctor Who "Empress of Mars"

learned:

* Gatiss don't fail me now!

* black woman: NASA does not understand this designation Queen. we have a King. in order to cope i do breathing exercises for people with brain injuries when i'm not acting here.

* we are Victorian British soldiers living on Mars..................it's not as fun as you'd think...

* Nardole: WAIT! why is the TARDIS leaving with me trapped inside?
TARDIS: vworp vworp
Nardole: what does that mean?
TARDIS: your check bounced. as bouncy as your bald head.
Nardole: Missy, miss, can you help me get back?
Missy: why? this show is dead. just wait for Simm like everyone else.

* Bill: what's an Ice Warrior?
the Doctor: yeah. i forgot, too.

* Friday: i hate being called Friday. Friday is when our week starts. TGIM. it's also when dissidents are fried in the underground volcano.

* Catchlove: Africa, the Dark Continent.
Bill: hey. your ancestors were from Africa.
Catchlove: i am handsome with this gnarly mustache.
Bill: i'd say devilishly handsome.
Catchlove: why thank you.
Bill: did the kids at the playground make fun of you cos your daddy was Gandhi?

* the Doctor: you're using these soldiers, not the other way around, huh.
Friday: it's a Smurfette situation. one babe for all of us.

* Godsacre: DO NOT UNEARTH THAT TOMB!!!
hapless soldier: why not?
Godsacre: IN THE NAME OF GOD'S ACRE!!!

* Iraxxa: how long has it been?
Friday: 5,000 years since i've fucked, my lordess. major dry spell.

* Iraxxa: you like my hissing?
the Doctor: reminds me of my wife River. in bed. we never had sex cos she would always say "spoilers" when we were about to start.

* the Doctor: have mercy.
Iraxxa: men are inferior.
the Doctor: but i'm not a man...............next Regeneration...

* rifle bullet glances off Iraxxa's helmet.
Iraxxa: see, kids? safety. always safety.

* Catchlove: i am in command now!
Godsacre: we talked about this. no nepotism on set.

* inside the tomb.
Bill: what smells?
the Doctor: sorry. is there a shower in this tomb? wow i am ripe. takes me back to my theatre days.

* the Doctor: don't make me use this thing! i will drill all of us to oblivion down below until i hit upon a natural sauna for my shower!

* Catchlove: don't try anything funny. no sudden moves or the dame gets it.
Iraxxa: he brought a knife to a gunfight. it's all over.

* Iraxxa: i will spare you if you pledge loyalty to me.
Godsacre: i can promise honesty, not loyalty.

* the Doctor: ALPHA CENTAURI! bless. how old are you, love?
Alpha Centauri: i was bi before it was cool. wait what year is this?
the Doctor whispers to Bill: just say 1974. it's easier that way. she'll never know the difference.

* Missy: how are you?
the Doctor: just three more of these bloody things to go!
Missy: and the Christmas special.
the Doctor: i'm Scottish. i don't celebrate Christmas. i play with my Druid stones.
Missy: can i rocks your Christmas stockings off?

Justice League Action "Double Cross"

learned:

* bless you, my sister, forever!

* Penguin: no one makes a pate out of Penguin!

* Deadshot: the name's Deadshot. cos i'm dead inside.

* Batman: do it!
Firestorm: i wouldn't feel right. Two-Face is obviously sick in the head.

* Plastic Man: it's not my fault. blame the animators. continuity is overrated.

* Plastic Man: if my dear ol doula could see me now
Batman: who's your doula?
Plastic Man: your wife of course, the ultimate cat lady.

* Firestorm: next time can we get a motel with cable? i want my Cinemax.

* Firestorm comes to.
Firestorm: what happened? i got hit by a chasing ambulance. carrying macaroni. time for me to get back to the studio, more Bolin to record.

* Plastic Man: can I have your autograph, Christian Slater!?
Deadshot: what's with the hole in your chest?
Plastic Man: smoking. you Hollyweirds know all about that.

* Deadshot: Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. with Jack Ruby.

* Plastic Man: see, Batman? i'm a better actor than you. i can be a gun. you only feign depression but deep down you care too much. i'm sorry if I brought back your parents.

* Firestorm: you're naked in front of me right now?
Plastic Man: yeah. aren't you gay? y'know the world would be a better place if we were all nudists.
Firestorm: I recognize this but i'm a kid. i'm still ashamed to masturbate cos the professor in my head has to see it.

Doctor Who "The Lie of the Land"

learned:

* Pearl Mackie is cool! i don't want her to go! i just realized Pearl is a cool name for a girl. Pearl Jam was named after Eddie's grandmother who was the Crystal Gem Pearl. Pearl was always salty and possessive of little Eddie. and Mackie is like "Return of the Mack", the song, not the Burger King Mac n' Cheetos thing.

* that promotional image was a little too realistic if you know what i mean

* wait, where's John Hurt? and that woman with the natural bush?

* it's not 1984 anymore, it's our real-life future...

* Bill narrates this episode cos Pearl Mackie is auditioning for her next job, voiceover work on guided meditation tapes.

* Monks: we have always been here.
the Doctor: feels like it. this is your, what, THIRD episode in a row?! enough already, we're sick of you.

* Bill: Mom, is that really you? i'm not crazy?
Mom: yes you are crazy. but the world is crazy so it evens out.

* Bill: Nardole?! where have you been all this time?!
Nardole: i told you, sleeping.

* aboard the prison hulk.
commando: PAPERS, PAPERS
Bill: everyone knows Voter I.D. is a fraud.

* the Doctor on the big screen: hello, citizens. keep calm and carry on. the terrorists are on our side. the Monks are benevolent dictators who are praying for us. they said i was too old and had to be called Big Father. that's ageism in Hollywood...

* the Monks thought Winston Churchill was arrogant...

* the Doctor: the Romans saved more people than they killed.
Nardole: not the lions tho. why didn't that empire work out anyway? free sex and all, seems like paradise.
the Doctor: they finally elected an insane ruler to office...

* Bill: i'm gonna shoot you now, Doctor.
the Doctor: please, remember the show bible, no guns.

* the Doctor: was the Regeneration too much?
Nardole: classic feint. who's gonna be the Thirteenth?
the Doctor: the show's been cancelled.
Nardole: still joking?

* Missy: i like when you smile, Doctor, and show your creepy teeth.
the Doctor: statues, the answer is statues!
Missy: very good. even the Michael Jordan statue.
the Doctor: oh no, that's where i draw the line! i don't care about Earth but i care about Michael Jordan. he plays sick like me.

* Missy: i pushed that little girl into the volcano.
the Doctor: terrible.
Missy: but i saved billions of lives for one life. it makes sense. you'll see my cold logic wins out over your emotion.
the Doctor: what you didn't foresee is that one of those billion lives you saved was John Simm...

* Bill: i must die to save the world.
the Doctor: you have a death wish or something?
Bill: nah, i just really hate my job.

* commando: no, not my Hooked on Phonics tape!!!

* Nardole: Vulcan death pinch.
the Doctor: we good? we still own TNG?

* the Doctor: ONE monk controls all the broadcasts?
Monk: hello, i am Brother Jobs. cos i provide the only reliable jobs in this world. tech jobs.

* the Doctor: this is all fake news.
Bill: yes but favoring which party?

* Nardole: i saw the Spice Girls i saw the Spice Girls!

* the Doctor: think of your mother, Bill, the Monks can't control personal memories.
Bill: it's not working.
the Doctor: i wonder why not.
Bill: the mother pictured up there is not my mother. i need Pearl Mackie's mother.
the Doctor: f***king Method actors.

* back on campus.
the Doctor: hey nobody college student, what is this statue?
student: Michael Jordan?
the Doctor: very good. see? university isn't a waste of time and money.
Bill: why do you do it, Doctor? why do you continue helping us lowly Earthlings?
the Doctor: cos in the morass of billions of nobodies, there's one worth saving.
Bill beams a wide grin.
the Doctor: i was referring to Michael Jordan.

* Bill: want some chips?
the Doctor: potato chips or french fries?

Justice League Action "The Trouble with Truth"

learned:

* yes! and i can't wait for June, the Month of Clarence!

* Wonder Woman: where's the location of the bomb?!
Batman: please, i have a painful history with bombs at docks.

* Batman: "cobalt" is code for crack, right?
Wonder Wonder: started in 1983...

* Green Arrow: is that a storm a-coming?
Wonder Woman: yes it's Archer's mother.

* speaking of Archer. and Athena instantly becomes my favorite character on this show.

* Wonder Woman: i will do anything you command, my goddess.
Athena: become the Goddess of Truth.
Wonder Woman: i cannot tell a lie, i am an atheist.

* Athena: zhush up your hair.
can we all just stand up and applaud the use of the word zhush on an action show?

* Athena: you like my owl?
Batman: again, the triggering of painful flashbacks.

* Superman: i guess i'll stay here with New Genesis.
Athena: you still haven't completed Old Genesis.

* Athena: you have no superpowers, Batman.
Batman: what are you, my mother?!
Athena: yes. i knew your mother. she was a loose woman of her time, a flapper on the can-can dance circuit...

* Green Arrow: you don't have to do what Athena says, Diana.
Wonder Woman: yes i do, i'm unemployed. i was nervous at my audition and lost the part to some hack named Gal Gadot. what kind of ridiculous name is Gal Gadot?

* H.I.V.E. Leader: i am the leader of H.I.V.E.! i am The Monarch!

* the H.I.V.E. Leader begins shooting honey.
Green Arrow: honey?
Batman: honey?
Athena: honey?
Wonder Woman: yeah seriously, honey?

* Wonder Woman: i will use the power of my good looks to convince you to deactivate the bomb yourself.
H.I.V.E. Leader: before i die please put on this all-pink suit and talk in a gravelly voice...

* H.I.V.E. Leader: OKAY okay, it's off. i don't want to die.
Wonder Woman: there was no bomb. this entire episode was a prank. see? there's a camera over there, and a camera over there...

* Athena: what were you thinking, man!? the greatest threat to our docks is not cobalt fusion bombs. it's underground boxing and betting on barges.

* Green Arrow: can i be the God of Love?
Athena: you have to wear a diaper.
Green Arrow: okay. i'll be God so there's no more embarrassment.

Justice League Action "Inside Job"

learned:

* Wonder Woman's ass, so there you go

* Lex Luthor: your weapons can't phase me.

Batman: they are weapons designed to phase into you. you're a ghost now, Luthor, you have no body.

Luthor: i don't have my corporation anymore?

Batman: no you aren't corporeal anymore.

Luthor: does this mean i can regrow my hair?

* Luthor: blow.

Superman: ew.

Luthor: no, blow in. it's not like that, trust me.

* Atom: i'm starting to see a trend here, you three seem to stick together...

* Atom to Batman: did anyone ever tell you you have a big head?

* Atom: let's just get this out of the way, this episode is not as good as Innerspace but definitely better than that Archer episode about this same subject.
Wonder Woman: what about the original shrinking submarine, Fantastic Voyage?
Atom: isn't that a Beatles thing?

* Atom: ew, we just ate Superman's booger!
Wonder Woman: i've eaten worse things of his...

* Atom: so you're dating Superman?
Wonder Woman: i can't say explicitly and make it canon or the show loses half the fanbase.
Atom: so how is he?
Wonder Woman: big. turns out we Amazons aren't so much lesbians as we are...
Atom: bi?
Wonder Woman: virgins.

* Luthor: hahaha! i defeated the Red Tornado!
Red Tornado: i'm just air, buddy, it's not that hard. you're literally punching air.

* Wonder Woman: you think the Queen will mind if i don't curtsey?
Batman: you need to wear your skirt for that.

* Superman: what'd i miss?
Wonder Woman: i was inside you.
Superman: hot.
Batman: so was i. and i took a dump.
Atom: here. for next time. blow your nose with this handkerchief. gesundheit.
Superman: you're a Nazi? i don't blow my nose. i eat my boogers.