learned:
* do I have to keep doing these?
* no, seriously, I mean if I got paid that'd be one thing...AV Club TV Club, call me.
* Chris Pratt, Chris Pratt, whatcha think about that?
* Anna Faris lets us into their bedroom.
* Ariana Grande was not doing She-Ra, she was doing Cat Valentine. I can't hate on her second song, though, that groovy beat was grooving.
* MORE LESLIE JONES!
* I'd go down on a guy for eternal life in Heaven. (it's the reverse of selling your soul to Satan.)
* I usually think adding raunchy sex to something makes it better, but the He-Man skit and video-game-tester skit have proven me wrong.
* if Marvel owned Star Wars: Darth Hulk, Tony Stark rejects the Force cos he only believes in science, and Leia ditches the slave-girl bra for a more empowering tight black leather catsuit from Black Widow.
* no, no, no, Cecily Strong as the one and only Weekend Update anchor. replace Kenan with Che, and have Jost be the Cute Guy At The Party Who's Just There. that wasn't difficult, was it?
* goodnight, Magical Unique Voice Never To Be Duplicated Again.
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Monday, September 29, 2014
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Law & Order SVU "Girls Disappeared" Episode Discussion
learned:
* do i have to keep doing this?
* no, really, i mean what's the point? what's the point of this show continuing?
* Carisi: i'm the new kid on the block, you can tell from my heavy heavy New York accent.
Liv: i wanted an empath.
Carisi: i fucked Counselor Troi once, does that count?
Liv: why have you been fired 4 times?
Carisi: they were all jealous Star Trek nerds. and they couldn't understand me what with my heavy heavy New York accent.
* Carisi: listen, baby, you're a whore! we're trying to save your life here! it's either life---us---or death--- going back to your organizaton. it seems pretty black and white. choose. choose now!
girl: that's racist. i'm not a whore. i mean i am, but...
Liv: Carisi, what the fuck was that in there?
Carisi: don't worry, boss, i got this, i have a degree in psychology i printed up from the internet.
* Liv: where's my baby?
babysitter: i thought we'd get some fresh air outside. we're outside.
Liv: outside? are you crazy? from now on, my kid is to stay inside, playing video games forever.
* Amaro: so, we got a deal?
thug: sure, sure.
Amaro: let me have your pizza slice there to seal the deal........ew! this tastes like shit! did you spike this, you traitor?!
thug: no, it's just New York pizza, it tastes like cardboard.
* Liv: hey Carisi, back there when you were pretending to solicit the prostitute, you were scarily realistic wanting the rough sex.
Carisi: i wasn't acting back there, boss.
Liv: first thing when we get back, you're fired. and i'm placing a call to Counselor Troi.
* do i have to keep doing this?
* no, really, i mean what's the point? what's the point of this show continuing?
* Carisi: i'm the new kid on the block, you can tell from my heavy heavy New York accent.
Liv: i wanted an empath.
Carisi: i fucked Counselor Troi once, does that count?
Liv: why have you been fired 4 times?
Carisi: they were all jealous Star Trek nerds. and they couldn't understand me what with my heavy heavy New York accent.
* Carisi: listen, baby, you're a whore! we're trying to save your life here! it's either life---us---or death--- going back to your organizaton. it seems pretty black and white. choose. choose now!
girl: that's racist. i'm not a whore. i mean i am, but...
Liv: Carisi, what the fuck was that in there?
Carisi: don't worry, boss, i got this, i have a degree in psychology i printed up from the internet.
* Liv: where's my baby?
babysitter: i thought we'd get some fresh air outside. we're outside.
Liv: outside? are you crazy? from now on, my kid is to stay inside, playing video games forever.
* Amaro: so, we got a deal?
thug: sure, sure.
Amaro: let me have your pizza slice there to seal the deal........ew! this tastes like shit! did you spike this, you traitor?!
thug: no, it's just New York pizza, it tastes like cardboard.
* Liv: hey Carisi, back there when you were pretending to solicit the prostitute, you were scarily realistic wanting the rough sex.
Carisi: i wasn't acting back there, boss.
Liv: first thing when we get back, you're fired. and i'm placing a call to Counselor Troi.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Degrassi "Thunderstruck" Episode Discussion
learned:
* confession time: AC/DC were one of those bands I never got when I was young. all of my friends raved about them, so I finally listened to a sample tape, and......nothing. they've never done anything for me, they haven't stirred my soul and burst my heart the way Nirvana, NIN, and the Pumpkins do. I can appreciate that they are historic, but, y'know, that's about it. I mean, I like shorts and all.....well I did when I was younger, I only wear pants now.
* Chewy: so what, you're gay now? bi?
Miles: I'm just a dude having fun, riding a hedonistic wave of uncertain pleasure, puddle-jumping like Johnny Manziel, seeking my next high. Bieber is my BFF.
Chewy: that's the problem, man, you hurt everyone you love, and I thought I was your BFF.
Miles: hey Chewy, you're dead.
Miles shoots Chewy.
Miles: Degrassi just got real again, motherfuckers!
* Zoe: strip.
Maya: so you can ruin my life online again, you bitch?!
Zoe: no, so you won't catch cold. and honestly I want to compare boobs.
Maya: you stole my boyfriend, you bitch.
Zoe: um, no, you stole my boyfriend.
Maya: that's true. so, know any '80s theme songs?
Zoe: no, why would I?
* Eli: I promise, you breaking up with me freed me, I could walk the streets of New York alone, getting lonelier and lonelier.
Clare: but you fucked Lenore, right? I mean, her name is Lenore!
Eli: the goth side of me was tempted, but she was no Eclare. nothing will ever be as epic as Eclare: the Twilight of it, the hearse, the all-time opposites-attract of it, that one time I went crazy...
Clare: I'm not your soul mate, Eli, Paint Girl is.
Eli: I know, right? where the hell did she go? do you want to eat my hot dog?
Clare: what?
later, in Eli's dorm room:
Eli: don't worry, we'll sleep in the same bed but head-to-feet.
Clare: our body parts are aligned perfectly for coitus.
* Becky: did you fart?
Drew: depends, is this a comedy or a drama?
Becky: drama.
Drew: then no, it's deadly methane gas.
Drew breaks the wheel trying to turn it.
Drew: now it's a comedy.
* college-admissions lady: Clare, you are an IMPRESSIVE young woman. I can tell you have BIG plans. you're ready to get out there into the world and MILK it for all it's worth.
Clare: stop staring at my tits!
* Clare on the phone:
Clare: hello? this is she. am I okay? oh good, that's a relief.
Clare hangs up the phone.
* confession time: AC/DC were one of those bands I never got when I was young. all of my friends raved about them, so I finally listened to a sample tape, and......nothing. they've never done anything for me, they haven't stirred my soul and burst my heart the way Nirvana, NIN, and the Pumpkins do. I can appreciate that they are historic, but, y'know, that's about it. I mean, I like shorts and all.....well I did when I was younger, I only wear pants now.
* Chewy: so what, you're gay now? bi?
Miles: I'm just a dude having fun, riding a hedonistic wave of uncertain pleasure, puddle-jumping like Johnny Manziel, seeking my next high. Bieber is my BFF.
Chewy: that's the problem, man, you hurt everyone you love, and I thought I was your BFF.
Miles: hey Chewy, you're dead.
Miles shoots Chewy.
Miles: Degrassi just got real again, motherfuckers!
* Zoe: strip.
Maya: so you can ruin my life online again, you bitch?!
Zoe: no, so you won't catch cold. and honestly I want to compare boobs.
Maya: you stole my boyfriend, you bitch.
Zoe: um, no, you stole my boyfriend.
Maya: that's true. so, know any '80s theme songs?
Zoe: no, why would I?
* Eli: I promise, you breaking up with me freed me, I could walk the streets of New York alone, getting lonelier and lonelier.
Clare: but you fucked Lenore, right? I mean, her name is Lenore!
Eli: the goth side of me was tempted, but she was no Eclare. nothing will ever be as epic as Eclare: the Twilight of it, the hearse, the all-time opposites-attract of it, that one time I went crazy...
Clare: I'm not your soul mate, Eli, Paint Girl is.
Eli: I know, right? where the hell did she go? do you want to eat my hot dog?
Clare: what?
later, in Eli's dorm room:
Eli: don't worry, we'll sleep in the same bed but head-to-feet.
Clare: our body parts are aligned perfectly for coitus.
* Becky: did you fart?
Drew: depends, is this a comedy or a drama?
Becky: drama.
Drew: then no, it's deadly methane gas.
Drew breaks the wheel trying to turn it.
Drew: now it's a comedy.
* college-admissions lady: Clare, you are an IMPRESSIVE young woman. I can tell you have BIG plans. you're ready to get out there into the world and MILK it for all it's worth.
Clare: stop staring at my tits!
* Clare on the phone:
Clare: hello? this is she. am I okay? oh good, that's a relief.
Clare hangs up the phone.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Degrassi "Believe, Part 2" Episode Discussion
learned:
* personally, I don't believe in life after love.
* Becky: is that a bear? a woodsman? a witch?
Drew: I'm confused, which color bear do you lie down in front of?
Becky: Drew! save us and I'm yours.
Drew: right...shoot the woodsman, eat the witch's apple, pour honey all over your naked body, got it.
Becky: don't bears love honey?
Drew: that's only in cartoons.
Becky: oh look, it was just my mother.......
Becky runs away.
* Zoe starts to sing out loud in front of the class.
Perino: Zoe, this isn't the Buffy musical episode yet. wait for your Vegas special.
* Chewy: you want me to perjure myself on the stand?
Miles: I don't know what that word means, but you have to lie!
Chewy: why?
Miles: it's for young love, that's the most important thing in the world, parents just don't understand.
Chewy: that makes sense. prison doesn't seem so bad now. Will Smith has a way of putting things in perspective.
* Zoe: I'm going to kill myself.
Zig: but there's no coming back from that. it gets better. give me the pills.
Zoe: sweet.
Zig: I know I am.
Zoe: no, I meant the candy. these aren't pills, they're large white mints. and what I meant was that the mints are to die for.
Zig: we're gonna make a cute couple. what's our ship name?
Zoe: either Zivas or Zzig or Zzoe or Zovak.
Zig: how about just zzzzzzzzzzzzz?
Zoe: huh? did you say something? I was dozing off.
* Tristan: want me to tweet out this selfie of you alone in the courtroom?
Zoe: no. and I'm not alone, you're here. and it's not a selfie, you took it.
Tristan: it's already trending.
Zoe: I told you not to tweet it!
Tristan: you now have more followers than Gaga.
Zoe jumps up into the air.
Zoe: yeah, bitch! how does THAT taste, you Madonna wannabe?!
* personally, I don't believe in life after love.
* Becky: is that a bear? a woodsman? a witch?
Drew: I'm confused, which color bear do you lie down in front of?
Becky: Drew! save us and I'm yours.
Drew: right...shoot the woodsman, eat the witch's apple, pour honey all over your naked body, got it.
Becky: don't bears love honey?
Drew: that's only in cartoons.
Becky: oh look, it was just my mother.......
Becky runs away.
* Zoe starts to sing out loud in front of the class.
Perino: Zoe, this isn't the Buffy musical episode yet. wait for your Vegas special.
* Chewy: you want me to perjure myself on the stand?
Miles: I don't know what that word means, but you have to lie!
Chewy: why?
Miles: it's for young love, that's the most important thing in the world, parents just don't understand.
Chewy: that makes sense. prison doesn't seem so bad now. Will Smith has a way of putting things in perspective.
* Zoe: I'm going to kill myself.
Zig: but there's no coming back from that. it gets better. give me the pills.
Zoe: sweet.
Zig: I know I am.
Zoe: no, I meant the candy. these aren't pills, they're large white mints. and what I meant was that the mints are to die for.
Zig: we're gonna make a cute couple. what's our ship name?
Zoe: either Zivas or Zzig or Zzoe or Zovak.
Zig: how about just zzzzzzzzzzzzz?
Zoe: huh? did you say something? I was dozing off.
* Tristan: want me to tweet out this selfie of you alone in the courtroom?
Zoe: no. and I'm not alone, you're here. and it's not a selfie, you took it.
Tristan: it's already trending.
Zoe: I told you not to tweet it!
Tristan: you now have more followers than Gaga.
Zoe jumps up into the air.
Zoe: yeah, bitch! how does THAT taste, you Madonna wannabe?!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Degrassi "Believe, Part 1" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Becky: are you telling me to lie?
female lawyer: not if I want to be disbarred.
Becky: so I repeat, are you telling me to lie?
female lawyer: yes, lie. I hate being a lawyer, that was my mother's dream, I wanted to be an artist.
Becky's mom: yes, Becky, lie.
* Perino: can anyone tell me what this object is?
Becky: what about all the drama happening outside, Mr. Perino?
Perino: wrong answer, it's called a compass. drama won't get you into college.
Becky: didn't Saved By The Bell have College Years?
* Maya: Zig, I hate to admit it to myself, but somehow I still like Miles.
Zig: oh Maya, oh sweet sweet Maya, it is possible to resist you, you know.
Maya walks away...
Zig: but not dat ass, damn!
* Vince: time for you to continue doing jobs.
Zig: I don't sell anymore, fam, I cook.
Vince: meth?
Zig: what? no! onions and stuff.
Vince: you must have onions if you think it would be that easy to quit the life. you should have gone to Florida.
Zig: oh yeah? what's in Florida?
Vince: like bath salts and stuff.
* Becky: declination, ever heard of it?
Drew: actually no, I'm a dumb jock, my brother always said so.
Becky: great! I hadn't thought about Adam's tragic death in ages, thanks a lot!
Drew: I'm only on this show to hook up with literally every girl at Degrassi. you're next.
* Becky: are you telling me to lie?
female lawyer: not if I want to be disbarred.
Becky: so I repeat, are you telling me to lie?
female lawyer: yes, lie. I hate being a lawyer, that was my mother's dream, I wanted to be an artist.
Becky's mom: yes, Becky, lie.
* Perino: can anyone tell me what this object is?
Becky: what about all the drama happening outside, Mr. Perino?
Perino: wrong answer, it's called a compass. drama won't get you into college.
Becky: didn't Saved By The Bell have College Years?
* Maya: Zig, I hate to admit it to myself, but somehow I still like Miles.
Zig: oh Maya, oh sweet sweet Maya, it is possible to resist you, you know.
Maya walks away...
Zig: but not dat ass, damn!
* Vince: time for you to continue doing jobs.
Zig: I don't sell anymore, fam, I cook.
Vince: meth?
Zig: what? no! onions and stuff.
Vince: you must have onions if you think it would be that easy to quit the life. you should have gone to Florida.
Zig: oh yeah? what's in Florida?
Vince: like bath salts and stuff.
* Becky: declination, ever heard of it?
Drew: actually no, I'm a dumb jock, my brother always said so.
Becky: great! I hadn't thought about Adam's tragic death in ages, thanks a lot!
Drew: I'm only on this show to hook up with literally every girl at Degrassi. you're next.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Degrassi "Out of My Head" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Tristan: why is there a strange woman taking notes in the room with us?
Simpson: she's the director of this episode. did that creepy teacher touch you?
Tristan: yes. i liked it.
Simpson: did he make you do things? cum in mouth? anal?
Tristan: I'm not talking.
Simpson: spit roast? any form of sanchez?
* Tristan: why is your dress a whole bunch of tampons?
Zoe: Imogen said it'd be like that cool thing TLC did with condoms, but with tampons.
Tristan: what's TLC?
Zoe: a tv channel.
* Frankie: why'd you call me a monster, bitch?
Chewy: I didn't, bitch, I called you Frankenstein, it's a play on your name. what do you think of that, bitch?
Frankie: yeah? how'd you like it if I called you Chewbacca, bitch?
Chewy: I'd growl cos that is who I am in the sack, that's why I'm your bae.
Frankie: fuck, you pretty dangerous for a dork.
Chewy: I'm the dork with the ding-dong dick that's gonna wreck dat ass tonite.
* Jack: wait, this whole mess was cos you thought I meant "nice" to mean "not nice."
Imogen: yep.
Jack: nice.
Imogen: so what did you mean just there?
Jack: my sweet lesbian lover, have you ever heard of the classic sitcom misunderstanding?
Imogen shakes her head.
Jack: I'll lend you some of my Three's Company DVDs.
* Tristan: I hate you, you slut!
Maya: whoa, snitch I can understand, but slut?
Tristan: I can see your entire belly. the '80s called, they want that shirt back.
Maya: ah, the '80s, back when this show still mattered.
Tristan: you're dead to me.
Maya: you'll thank me later. and I'm not a slut. belly, yes, belly-button ring, not yet.
Tristan: what about Cam, Miles, Zig, and every other boy at this school?
Maya: I thought you weren't talking to me. anyway, I can't help it if they like me. it's a moot point, Drew is my future husband.
* Tristan: why is there a strange woman taking notes in the room with us?
Simpson: she's the director of this episode. did that creepy teacher touch you?
Tristan: yes. i liked it.
Simpson: did he make you do things? cum in mouth? anal?
Tristan: I'm not talking.
Simpson: spit roast? any form of sanchez?
* Tristan: why is your dress a whole bunch of tampons?
Zoe: Imogen said it'd be like that cool thing TLC did with condoms, but with tampons.
Tristan: what's TLC?
Zoe: a tv channel.
* Frankie: why'd you call me a monster, bitch?
Chewy: I didn't, bitch, I called you Frankenstein, it's a play on your name. what do you think of that, bitch?
Frankie: yeah? how'd you like it if I called you Chewbacca, bitch?
Chewy: I'd growl cos that is who I am in the sack, that's why I'm your bae.
Frankie: fuck, you pretty dangerous for a dork.
Chewy: I'm the dork with the ding-dong dick that's gonna wreck dat ass tonite.
* Jack: wait, this whole mess was cos you thought I meant "nice" to mean "not nice."
Imogen: yep.
Jack: nice.
Imogen: so what did you mean just there?
Jack: my sweet lesbian lover, have you ever heard of the classic sitcom misunderstanding?
Imogen shakes her head.
Jack: I'll lend you some of my Three's Company DVDs.
* Tristan: I hate you, you slut!
Maya: whoa, snitch I can understand, but slut?
Tristan: I can see your entire belly. the '80s called, they want that shirt back.
Maya: ah, the '80s, back when this show still mattered.
Tristan: you're dead to me.
Maya: you'll thank me later. and I'm not a slut. belly, yes, belly-button ring, not yet.
Tristan: what about Cam, Miles, Zig, and every other boy at this school?
Maya: I thought you weren't talking to me. anyway, I can't help it if they like me. it's a moot point, Drew is my future husband.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Degrassi "Hypnotize" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Frankie: Mom, I'm ugly.
Mom: no, honey, you're hot, and I'm not just saying that cos I'm your mom. take a look around our home and the Degrassi school and the city and its surrounding suburbs and our universe in general, have you noticed something? every single person you meet is a babe, there's not a scary-looking runt in the entire global litter. it's very unsettling.
* Tristan (lip-synching): we are Degrassi,
we go there.
well, we used to,
back in the '80s
and the first wave of this New Generation,
but now we're just a teen soap for girls,
by the way, when did this show become just for girls?
it was once a good high-school drama for all.
Degrassi, once great, how the mighty have fallen.
Skins UK, come back, every teenager is calling.
* Tristan: I'm mature, but this is still creepy.
Mr. Yates: would it help if I replaced the absinthe with orange juice?
* black girl: everyone wants to bed Jack, she's smoking! literally.
Imogen: pot is bad, but I want a girlfriend badder.
Jack: worse. you're cute and you're dressed as an indie Minnie Mouse so I'll let that one slide. was it worth it now that I'm yours?
Imogen: no. all I crave now are nachos. I hate nachos.
* Jack: open your mouth.
Imogen: you sound exactly like a guy I used to fuck.
Jack: I'm gonna fill your mouth with smoke. it's like the other stuff except less gross and less healthy.
* Frankie: Mom, I'm ugly.
Mom: no, honey, you're hot, and I'm not just saying that cos I'm your mom. take a look around our home and the Degrassi school and the city and its surrounding suburbs and our universe in general, have you noticed something? every single person you meet is a babe, there's not a scary-looking runt in the entire global litter. it's very unsettling.
* Tristan (lip-synching): we are Degrassi,
we go there.
well, we used to,
back in the '80s
and the first wave of this New Generation,
but now we're just a teen soap for girls,
by the way, when did this show become just for girls?
it was once a good high-school drama for all.
Degrassi, once great, how the mighty have fallen.
Skins UK, come back, every teenager is calling.
* Tristan: I'm mature, but this is still creepy.
Mr. Yates: would it help if I replaced the absinthe with orange juice?
* black girl: everyone wants to bed Jack, she's smoking! literally.
Imogen: pot is bad, but I want a girlfriend badder.
Jack: worse. you're cute and you're dressed as an indie Minnie Mouse so I'll let that one slide. was it worth it now that I'm yours?
Imogen: no. all I crave now are nachos. I hate nachos.
* Jack: open your mouth.
Imogen: you sound exactly like a guy I used to fuck.
Jack: I'm gonna fill your mouth with smoke. it's like the other stuff except less gross and less healthy.
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